Thank you so much to those of you that reviewed these last two chapters, it means a lot! XO
Okay so I couldn't really leave Amanda & Fin there it seems, spilled over in to this chapter (I just love writing them so much) Rollaro fans have to be patient a while longer ;)
There's a bit of trigger warning in this chapter since its revealed what happened in the alley when Patton's thugs attacked her. Be kind to yourself as you should always be :)

Chapter 9

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." – Mary Anne Radmacher

Fin ended up staying the night. Amanda fell asleep on the couch next to him only to wake up with a gasp and a jolt a few hours later. The sudden motion made Fin jump as well and he could tell she was worked up whatever it was that had woken her up that abruptly. She didn't want to tell him what was going on so he suggested taking Frannie for a walk instead. Amanda willingly accepted and Frannie left her bone behind after a bit of coaxing.

Fin crossed the street and told the officers sitting outside they could take a break, maybe even get some food and he promised to give them a call as they headed back. They took a long walk, Fin wasn't one for walking much but right now he would follow her anywhere just to keep her safe. They talked a little during the walk, not about what was going on currently but hopes for the upcoming baseball season, Fin's latest high score on GTA and the fact Carisi's pornstache now seemed to have jumped to another squad room detective's upper lip. Fin enjoyed seeing and hearing Amanda laugh. He wouldn't get to experience that for a while, had he known he might've soaked it up even more.

She tried to tell him he could leave when they came back to the apartment but he could see she was anxious and he really didn't want to leave her. She didn't put up much of a fight when he said he would stay put so he figured part of her didn't mind him sticking around. She became restless though, couldn't really sit still on the couch to watch more TV. He wasn't sure if it was the prospect of having to go to sleep soon, maybe she had nightmares, or maybe it was the call she'd received from Liv during their walk letting her know she would have to sit down with Dodds tomorrow and go over her statement one more time.

She excused herself after a while and he soon heard the shower get turned on. He could tell her tension spread to her canine and he called Frannie up on the couch so he could at least try and calm her a little. She came out in a new loose outfit carrying sheets and a pillow. She offered him the bed but he wouldn't hear of it. She asked him if he needed anything like a toothbrush or a towel, he could just grab anyone in the bathroom though. He said he would be fine.

She said she would head to bed. Since you could only reach her bathroom through the bedroom she said she would leave the door open but he said he would just use the can now so she could close it. Once he was done she was tucked down in her bed with Frannie on top of the cover right next to her.

"Night girls," he smiled.
"Night Fin," she smiled back.
"Just wake me if you need anything," he said as he reached for the door.
"I'll be fine," she hurried to say.
"I know but if you feel like company you know I'm up for it. Night," he said and closed the door behind him.

He put the sheet on the couch and lay down. He ended up watching some reruns of Seinfeld but fell asleep almost immediately. He woke up a little later from Amanda tiptoeing back to her bedroom.

"You okay?" he mumbled rubbing his face a little.
"Just got some water," she said holding up the glass she was carrying.

Had he not been so sleepy he might have picked up on the fact she was wide awake and dressed in a third outfit for the night but now he bought what she was saying without any doubt and fell right back asleep.

A while later he woke up from something cold poking at his arm. As he was finally able to pop his eyes open he spotted Frannie resting her head against his arm. He rubbed her head a little as he yawned and looked around to see if Amanda was around too. The door to Amanda's room was open just enough for a canine to sneak through and the light seemed on inside.

"What's wrong girl? Time to get up?" he asked with a hoarse voice as he tried to look around to find out what time it was. He finally just reached out to grab his phone of the table. 3:17.
"What the…" he mumbled and fell back on the couch with a heavy sigh.

It made Frannie start to whimper though. When he tried to pet her she took a few steps backwards and when he still didn't move she took a spin only to come back staring straight at him.

"What?" he asked. She took a few steps towards the bedroom and almost seemed to gesture with her head as to get him to come with her.
"Are you Lassie reborn?" he asked as he got his feet down on the floor. It seemed to please Frannie as her tail started wagging and she moved closer to the bedroom door while still keeping her eyes on him.

"Is she awake?" he asked even though he knew he couldn't get an answer. He felt nervous walking in to her bedroom, he wasn't sure he was allowed to enter or if he should at this time. Frannie helped him open the door wider though and he quickly established she wasn't in or anywhere near her bed. Instead a large pile of clothes were stacked on her bed.

He said her name quietly as he took a step inside. He couldn't see her anywhere but the room looked nothing like when he'd passed through it earlier. Her wardrobe was opened and it looked as she'd pulled every item out and piled them either on the bed or put them in stacks on the floor. The drawers in her dresser were open too but he couldn't see if she'd emptied it as well. On the other side of the bed, where he was at, she'd stacked books that he hadn't seen before. He rubbed his head a little and pulled a deep breath. He heard something from the bathroom and guessed that's where she was at. Since the door was open he dared to peek inside and he found her on her knees, scrubbing away at the floor next to the toilet.

He cleared his throat a little to try and make his presence known without startling her. She looked up, the slight embarrassment for getting caught in such a position masked by the fact her cheeks were already flustered.

"What are you doing?" he asked casually with a slight smile on his face as he leaned against the doorframe.
"Ehhh," she started, wiping a few lose strands that had escaped her ponytail back by using her arm since her hand was covered with a glove and held a sponge.
"I was… ehh… picking out clothes for… tomorrow," she said a little vaguely. He threw a look over his shoulder at the stack of clothes by her bed.
"Okay," he just said as he turned back.

"And the…" he gestured to her hand with the sponge. She gave it a look as though she was a little surprised herself to find it in her hand.
"Oh I just… saw this stain and… decided to… fix it," she said but adverted her eyes from his when he gave her a doubtful look.
"Amanda your bathroom is spotless," he stated.

He could tell she just hadn't cleaned beside the toilet. He saw a wet line around the shower as well. Her mirror had shined even earlier but it sparkled now.

"There was a stain," she mumbled.
"Well is it gone now?" he asked and she nodded.
"Okay then get up," he told her and she struggled a little to get on her feet. He helped her take her gloves off and he put them on her sink.

"Let's take care of your clothes," he suggested and walked back out. He handed her one of the stacks and she seemed rather sure where to put it. They worked under silence until her floor was done. When he reached for the pile on the bed though she objected.

"No, I think… I'll give that away, like Goodwill or something," she tried to explain.
"Okay," Fin said, "Well do you have a garbage bag or something?"

She nodded and headed out. He started folding some of the clothes that were just tossed in the pile.

"Are you sure about this one?" he asked when she came back. He held up a top of hers.
"I like it on you," he said honestly.
"Well I… just had it for a long time…" she pondered as she got the big black garbage bag open.

"These all old clothes?" he asked as he kept folding. She nodded as she started putting down the folded clothes in the sack.
"Like Atlanta old," he suggested more than asked. She just gave him a look, he guessed the answer was yes and he didn't blame her. Maybe even thought it was a good thing, a shrink might call it cleansing. They got the clothes down in the bag and Fin tied the ends.

"So you gonna need me to play the girlfriend now and go with you to get some new clothes," he teased as he moved the bag to the nearest corner.
"I think I have enough gangsta' wear thank you very much," she teased right back.

She went around the bed and kneeled down by her books. He walked up to the bed on the other side and watched her bowed down head. What was going on inside that head of hers?

"You got any good books there?" he asked just to say something.
"Not sure they're really your taste," she mumbled as she kept sorting them.
"Not that gangsta," he teased and she looked up with a bright smile over her face.
"Toss me your favorite one," he said and put a knee down on her bed before he sat down. She seemed reluctant but then he realized she was just searching for that one book and when she found it she did toss it over to him.

"To kill a mockingbird?" he snorted trying to muffle a chuckle.
"Hey don't mock my mockingbird," she said as she pushed her books back in underneath the bed. She stood up and sat down on the other side of the bed.

"It really is your favorite," he said as he got a look at the worn out cover. She nodded.
"How many times have you read it?" he asked having a look inside. She shrugged.
"Lost count," she admitted as she moved further up on the bed and leaned against the headboard.

"Have you ever read it?" she asked once she'd watched him for a while. He shook his head.
"Take it, give it a try," she suggested.
"Do I look like the reading type?" he chuckled.
"Oh c'mon I've played your stupid videogames plenty of times, humor me," she coaxed. He gave her a look and then moved up to lean against the headboard just like her but slightly turned towards her.

"It's a book about a six year old white girl," he grumbled.
"In Alabama," he added as he had a look at the back cover again.
"That's not all it's about," she said.
"What's it about then," he said quizzing arching an eyebrow at her. She looked down on her hands that were fiddling slightly down on her belly.
"I guess… in the end it's about that prejudice and… hatred… shouldn't make you lose faith in human goodness."

He watched her as she kept fiddling, picking at her top. When her eyes came up to meet his she managed a weak smile at him. She looked tired though. She looked away, a little bothered by his intense stare.

"It's 3:30 am Amanda," he finally said, "Have you slept at all?"

He watched her shrug slightly. She refused to look at him and sighed heavily as he just kept looking at her.

"What can I do?" he asked.
"You can read the damn book," she muttered but bit down on her lip as she realized how childish she sounded.
"If I tried to read it now I would fall asleep," he just said though having much tolerance for however she felt or acted right now.
"Well then at least you would stop talking…" she moaned but couldn't keep a straight face as she glanced his way and caught his amused face.

"Sassy," he mused and looked back down at the book in his hand to let her smile if she felt like it. He opened the book up and had a look at the first page. He could feel her eyes on him. He really was tired but he plumped the pillow up behind his back and started reading. He would do his best to not fall asleep, at least not before her. He got a few lines before he recognized a familiar name.

"Ah Boo Radley, now that's a dude I've heard of," he said quietly. He heard Amanda let out a muted short chuckle. She scooted down a little on the bed, head almost on her pillow now. He tried to not make it too obvious he was keeping an eye on her out of the corner of his eye. The room was completely lit but it didn't seem to bother her and after trying to fight sleep for a while her eyes flickered shut and stayed that way. He dared to finally turn his head completely towards her. Her neck was in a bit of an awkward angle and he wished he could rearrange her a little but he didn't dare to right now as she would surely wake up then so he just let her be and continued reading. So far this book actually didn't suck.

Hours later as the sun started to rise outside the window competing with the light already in the room three bodies were still sound asleep on Amanda's bed. Fin was on his side, turned towards Amanda and with his hand still extended towards her from the last time he'd gently rubbed her back as she'd started stirring in her sleep again, making small distressful noises. Amanda had turned several laps since then, clothes tangled and ponytail pulled off center, and was now curled up on her side in to a ball further up on the bed. Frannie had followed her up and was curled up by her legs, the remains of the marrow bone left behind at the feet of the bed.

It would take another couple of hours before they'd gotten themselves together well enough to leave her apartment. Neither one's phone having woken them up as Liv had turned them off from her end, making it so no outsiders could get in touch with them. She'd received a text from Fin last night that he was spending the night so she knew Amanda was taken care off and didn't mind either one of them coming in a little late.

Fin could tell how awkward and reluctant Amanda felt about going in to the station but of course she wouldn't say it out loud, her entire body language signaled it and it only got worse as they got closer to the station. They'd taken his car and he'd taken the wheel seeing just how much her hands were twitching. He wasn't sure what he could say to calm her down, fearing she would get ticked if he pointed out the fact he could see how nervous she was. So instead he just tried keeping as cool as possible and just staying by her side.

Walking in to the station Fin made a mental note to never play poker with either Nick or Carisi. Either one of them could keep a straight face as Amanda walked in by Fin's side. Nick looked nervous as hell and Carisi's eyes were just darting all over the place making it even more obvious he was looking at Amanda.

"Hi," Nick said awkwardly getting up out of his chair almost squirming out of his suit.
"Hi," Fin said while Amanda just hummed something as she kept hiding slightly behind her partner's right shoulder.

Carisi had gotten up as well and came around their desks also squirming awkwardly. He knew he had a bad habit of saying inappropriate things when he got nervous or stressed, his grandma always told him to think before he talked, and literally bit down on his tongue right now.

"She's down at the courthouse," he said though as he caught Amanda throwing anxious looks in to Liv's empty office.
"Prehearing Pat…" he started but caught Nick's dilated eyes staring at him and he bit down the scumbag's name, "I mean with Barba and Dodds."

It wasn't the best save but it was some sort of save at least Carisi thought to himself as he turned back around with his head down low to sit back down.

"She left like two hours ago," Nick let Fin and Amanda know.
"Okay well then let's just get some work done partner," Fin said trying to keep it casual. He started to walk over to his desk, leaving Amanda a couple of steps behind him.

"Hey, are you…" Nick started, extending his hand a little towards her. He wanted to know how she was holding up, if her pale face and dark circles under her eyes meant she hadn't slept last night and if there was something he could do to help out but of course he couldn't ask all that without making it obvious he had more than a friendly interest here.

He hadn't slept well either, his thoughts going constantly to her as he finally put his head down on the pillow. He'd looked at his phone more times last night than he did during an average day, wanted to call her but not sure what he would say if she would pick up and what he would read in to it if she didn't pick up. He wanted to ask if she was okay but that was just such a stupid question at this point, of course she wasn't okay, she'd been…, he realized he'd been quiet too long and he caught the brief nod she gave him before she walked away.

When he was finally able to tear his eyes from her back and sit back down he caught Carisi's nosey eyes and he gave him one of those extended chins that he'd given kids that stared at him at the playground when he was just a kid. A kid. That's how he felt. Insecure, inept, insufficient, and without that control of your emotions that came with adulthood. He felt like a kid again. But unlike a kid he didn't have that magical thinking, he knew there was nothing he could do right now to change reality.

Down at the courthouse Liv had sat down around a round table with Barba, Dodds, Patton and his lawyer Buchanan. It had been a chilly greeting, Patton doing his pompous act but Liv had long ago seen through the façade. She couldn't wait to smack Amanda's charges in his smug face. They had deliberately kept the pretenses of the gathering a little obscure but Patton and Buchanan quickly realized it was more an interrogation than anything else. The tape recorder on the table and Dodds' formality was a dead give-away.

Liv and Dodds asked Patton a few questions that rather quickly got him to realize they were talking about the time Amanda had been under his supervision.

"What lies has that conniving bitch spread now?" Patton said with an angry sigh as he leaned back in his chair. Buchanan put a warning hand on his client's arm.
"Detective Rollins has given us the truth about your wretched way of running your department," Liv hissed back and didn't get Dodds' warning hand on her arm but rather his glare etched in to the side of her face.
"Let's just take a deep breath," Dodds suggested but then slightly mischievous handed Buchanan the paper with the added charges to Patton's case.

"Oh please," Patton said with a disgruntled sigh as he read the added sentences to his charge.
"That bitch says I raped her?" he spat out over the table, "We slept together, she was all over me. Threw herself at me, I'm just a guy… how could I say no to that ass?" Patton extended his hands in the air with a shrug turning from Liv to Dodds as he gave Amanda's ass a "compliment".

Liv growled but now Dodds hand did brush up against her arm.

"So now you're saying you had consensual relations with another subordinate of yours?" Dodds asked curiously. Patton's eyes narrowed.
"It was just one time," he said watching his word.
"Does that one time coordinate with the date mentioned in the indictment?" Dodds asked. Buchanan slid the paper closer to Patton so he could have a look.
"Looks about right," Patton said.

"Okay but when we asked your earlier you said Reese Taymor was an exception, that she was the only subordinate you'd ever slept with. Are you now withdrawing that statement?"
"I didn't want to embarrass your detective, are you going to punish me for that?" Patton grunted.
"No, we're punishing you for the rape of our detective," Dodds said decidedly and casually sat back in his chair. Liv couldn't help but grin smugly. Times like these she really liked Dodds.

Patton held his own though, withholding he had consensual sexual relations with Amanda at one time. He zealously disputed ever being in her apartment and dared them to find anyone who could say otherwise. By the smug look on his face Liv knew he had covered his tracks, not even Amanda could give witness to that rape unfortunately but he had made a mistake by disclosing it during the second assault. When Liv questioned him about it though he just said that Amanda had asked him to say those things.

He made it sound like Amanda had some kinky side and that she'd for some obscure reason asked him to talk like he'd violated her in the past, that she got off on him holding her down, being rough with her. He never used the phrase raped, kept to describing it as violated. And he also added that he had felt bad about the things she'd made him do and that's why it had all ended after that one time.

Both Liv and Barba despised having to listen to his lies about her and they both realized just how ugly this trial could become for Amanda. At several points the questioning led to Liv and Patton more or less shouting at each other. Dodds and Buchanan acting like the mediators in each corner while Barba mostly sat there and longed for the chance to rip this creep, disguised as some sort of man, to pieces in his courtroom.

Buchanan finally decided the interrogation was finished, adding that if they couldn't treat his client with the respect and homage he deserved there was just no other place than in court they could settle this. Dodds sat back in his chair with a heavy sigh once the door had closed behind the two. Liv and Barba just waited for him to say something and they didn't have to wait long.

"Your detective better hold up or I'm going for both your badges," he hissed as he stood up. Liv rolled his eyes at him. So easy to like someone, so easy for them to slip right back down on the scale.

"Detective Rollins will hold up alright," Barba said as he felt a need to come to Amanda's defense. Dodds stopped mid-step and turned back around.
"And I'll rip that snake's lies in to pieces," Barba added when he had the man's eyes on him.
"Well that would be good," Dodds said a little impressed.

His demeanor crumbling slightly as he shoved his hands in his pant pockets. He took a few breaths, planting his feet next to each other, while Liv and Barba stayed seated.

"So counselor," Dodds finally said, "you want to join us at the station to talk to detective Rollins?"

Barba looked a little surprised by the extended hand but he certainly didn't mind being there as Amanda's advocate so he nodded quickly.

"Well then don't dawdle, we don't have time for that, c'mon," Dodds said going for his coat on the hanger. Liv and Barba quickly got on their feet.

Back at the station everyone were trying to do a good job but all doing a very poor job of it. Carisi was busy throwing probing looks at either Amanda or Nick, who kept looking over Amanda's way every other second. Amanda could feel the looks and couldn't focus on the paper work because of it and also by the fact she was both tired and nervous about having to face off with Dodds sometime during the day. Fin on the other hand was mostly tired right now and when his eyes weren't drifting shut he tried to keep them at the paper work at hand.

When Liv, Dodds and Barba walked in both Nick and Carisi spontaneously jumped to their feet and then were left standing awkwardly by their desks as the newly arrived company aimed at Fin's and Amanda's desks.

"He's fighting the charges," Liv said seeing the question in both Amanda's and Fin's eyes.
"Can we take it inside?" Dodds suggested and then moved with Liv in to her office.

Barba was polite enough to wait behind slightly for Amanda who moved only after Fin had made it obvious he was coming with her as well. Liv and Dodds had hung their jackets and taken a stance by her desk by the time the other's made their way in there. Amanda felt like crawling out of her own skin, if there was just one way she could invisibly make an exit right now she would jump at the chance but right now jumping out the window was the only thing that sprung to mind and that would just not go over well, that much she could figure out even with the jumble state her brain was at.

"Maybe we should just have a seat in there," Dodds suggested and gestured next door to the interrogation room. Right now jumping out the window seemed like a very good idea but all but Dodds, who had already entered the other room, seemed to wait for her to follow him in there. And somehow she made her feet move that way.

"I'll be right here," Fin said after her. He still didn't have the full picture of what had gone down between her and Patton and he knew being in the same room as her when he did would not go over well. Liv gave him a nod before she followed Amanda inside. Barba came in right behind her.

"You can leave sergeant," Dodds said though when Liv entered. Liv looked confounded. She threw Amanda a look but she kept her eyes away but Liv could tell she felt intimidated, like she had to really focus to not fall apart.

"I really want…" Liv started but Dodds put his hand up in the air between them.
"She won't have you there to hold her hand on the stand, let's go," Dodds said gesturing her out of the room. Liv hated to be dealt with like a kid but right now it was more about not being able to stand by Amanda like she'd made a promise to do.

"I promise I'm not going to chew her up," Dodds said sensing Liv's reluctance to leave her detective's side. She reluctantly moved towards the door. She figured at least Barba would be in there and she trusted Barba.

"I'll be right outside though, in case… someone needs anything," she said before she closed the door behind her. She hoped Amanda knew that the 'someone' was aimed at her and her alone. Fin was still waiting around in her office, standing a few steps away from the window. He gave her a look knowing how bad she felt about having to leave the room. Liv crossed her arms in front of her chest and stepped up to the window to look inside. Fin came up by her side.

Dodds asked Amanda to have a seat on the other side of the glass. Liv liked that Barba sat down by Amanda's side instead of by Dodds'. Amanda still looked very uncomfortable, pulled at her sleeves a little and just didn't seem able to find a good spot on the chair.

"Oh," Liv complained, heart aching for Amanda and she rubbed her forehead with great concern, "she just looks so… frail."

Liv wouldn't have said it out loud if it was anyone else than Fin by her side.

"She's tough," Fin said though, needing to reassure himself as much as Liv.

Liv threw him a glance but then her eyes went back inside as Dodds started talking. His tone was calm and not judgmental at all and Liv felt a little relieved by that at least.

"Should we call someone?" she blurted out. Fin threw her a glance.
"Like I mean… she looks so lonely. And with the trial coming up. It looks as though we might be able to track down her sister but I can't really see her as being such good support, quite the opposite actually," Liv sighed, "What about her mom?"
"What about her mom?" Fin asked with both eyebrows raised.
"Should we give her a call? Ask her to come up here to support her daughter?"
"From what little I know about her mom she might bring a shovel instead of support so I'll vote no to that," Fin said without looking back at Liv when she glanced at him.

"But she needs support Fin," Liv complained when she looked back at the squirming blonde little being surrounded by two suits in the other room.
"She has support," Fin said calmly, "She has us."

Fin hadn't planned to listen in, he still wasn't sure if he was ready to hear the whole ugly truth but he stayed put by Liv's side. Amanda obviously looked, and probably felt, like she wanted to be anywhere than in that room right now but Dodds did take it gently. He wasn't pushy and didn't raise his voice as he'd done when Liv had filled him in on Amanda disclosing the truth. Barba sat by her side and had her back, correcting Dodds when needed and at times informed them of his plan of defense to certain matters or issues Patton's lawyer might try and poke at.

Thankfully Dodds just mostly stuck to his own questions and listened to Amanda and didn't disclose what Patton has rebutted with. Liv was planning on breaking that to Amanda as gently as possibly. Liv had to give Dodds some cred, he was handling Amanda as well as could be expected, showing both concern and understanding for the situation she was in. And Liv felt proud of Amanda for sitting there and telling her story over again even though it was obviously not that comfortable for her.

"Oh crap, bastard, wretch," Fin muttered bowing his head down.

Liv put a hand on his arm without looking at him. They hadn't even gotten to the really bad parts yet so she wasn't sure how he would hold up but they would all just have to elbow through this best they could because Amanda had no away around it which meant they had to as well. Liv's phone suddenly buzzed though and she saw IAB detective Sawyer's name in the display. She stepped away from the window a bit as she answered.

"Sawyer?" she answered.

Fin kept watching Amanda for a bit but glanced over his shoulder at Liv as her tone of voice raised a few octaves as she apparently was told something interesting.

"He didn't," she close to gasped. Next she sat down at her desk and got her computer on.
"To my mail? Yeah I'll listen to it right now. Why not?"

Fin got a little interested as to what was going on.

"I got it. I'll call you later," she said and ended the call.
"You won't believe it," Liv said hitting the keys on her computer to log in.
"What?" he said and left the window to walk up next to her.
"We got the guys in the alley, the ones that attacked Amanda," Liv let him know.
"Really," Fin said delighted, "And they snitched on Patton?"

"Patton actually led us to them," Liv said a bit delighted, "Sawyer picked up a recording, illegally so we can't use it but they traced it. Picked up the two in Brooklyn just now."
"Get out," Fin said, "Patton's really that stupid."
"He used a disposable phone but Sawyer somehow picked up a trace, I won't ask him how," Liv said as she got in her mailbox.

Right then there was a soft knock on her door and when she looked up she saw Nick outside. She waved him in. He had his phone pushed against his chest.

"I got Kim Rollins on the line," he said quietly.
"Oh," Liv gasped a little stunned.

Nick looked a little at loss at her when she didn't say anything.

"You think she'll talk to me?" Liv asked keeping her voice low. Nick nodded like it had been obvious from the start. Liv extended her hand towards him. He walked up and handed her his phone.

"Hi. Kim? This is Sergeant Olivia Benson, we met briefly a couple of years ago," Liv started.
"Okay hi," Kim said a bit cagey.
"Thank you so much for talking to me," Liv said as she leaned back in her chair trying her best to sound casual and not desperate at all, "You do have some time to talk to me or is this a bad time?"

"Yeah, I mean no I can talk," Kim said still seeming on alert but easing slightly.
"Good thank you so very much Kim," Liv said and smiled hoping it would be audible in her voice.

Nick was still standing by Liv's desk but couldn't help but throw a few glances in to the other room as he spotted Amanda on the other side of the glass. She looked really uncomfortable but either Barba or Dodds seemed offensive by the looks of it. He could hear their voices in the background but not really grip what was being discussed. He thought he knew though but he was dying to know details. This was just too bizarre to get his head around.

The woman he'd slept with on numerous occasions, the one who was very eager in bed but also, he realized, very much in need of control even in the steamiest situations had been raped by her superior officer. Suddenly he saw signs that he hadn't picked up on before, that argument at the bar about Paula Martin not wanting to be a victim suddenly made sense. She'd transferred emotions and what had he done? Walked away and never called back.

The not liking having her hands pinned down on the bed, the preference of being on top and the slight dislike of intimacy made him nervous it was all related to the rape. Rapes. It had happened twice. He wanted to talk to her about it. He worried he'd made something worse for her, that perhaps what they had, still had?, was somehow hurtful for her. He was a cop after all. He didn't want any part in anything that could be destructive for her but he really hoped that wasn't the case. It had been mostly about sex yes but he did care for her. Because they were partners he didn't really dare to think of it as anything more than sex but surely it had been. He'd never taken that lightly and from what he knew now he was pretty sure it wasn't lightly for her either. Maybe even the opposite. Maybe it was huge for her. His thoughts were disturbed by Liv's voice.

"Okay that sound good Kim, look I need to ask you something," Liv said leaning in over her desk again after having learnt a little what Kim had been up to lately. She wasn't really interested but it built a bit of connection between the two which Liv hoped would help now that she would need to ask Kim for help.

"I need to ask you about something you might've seen back in Atlanta years ago."
"Okay, what? How long ago?" Kim asked. Liv gave her the date.
"Gosh, that's like four years ago," Kim sighed, "I have trouble remembering what happen last week."

She chuckled slightly but piped down quickly as Liv didn't seem as amused.

"Maybe if I help you along, it is important Kim," Liv tried, "You were staying at your sister's place. You were on probation, check fraud, possession…"
"I was innocent, I did not…" Kim started immediately.
"I don't care about that Kim," Liv hurried to say, "You were innocent I believe you but you do remember? You remember staying at your sister's during all that?"
"Aha," Kim said, again sounding a little guarded.
"Good, do you remember one morning, you walked in to her bathroom and you caught her, you saw her back, her collarbone…" Liv tried to focus ahead and not take in the troubled looks on both Fin's and Nick's faces.

"You mean the bruises?" Kim asked.
"Yeah, can you tell me what you remember of that morning, from when you walked in on her?"
"Well I was just going to ask if I could take her car I think, or maybe it was her bike, I wanted to go see a friend across town that's all. But she just fucking told me to get out, shoved me out. Mental," Kim sighed.

"Okay but what did you see, the bruises can you tell me about them?"
"Well I dunno but her back was bruised, like down the spine, I remember it was really like purple reddish, I know how those sorts of bruises can hurt," Kim said seriously.
"Okay, and what else did you see?"
"Her wrists had bruises like all the way around, and she had what looked like a bite mark on her collarbone."

"Okay and what did you think had happen to her?"
"Like maybe… very kinky sex or something," Kim pondered. Liv tried to hide her sigh, it wasn't really what she wanted to hear as it collaborated Patton's version more than Amanda's.
"Do you know your sister to have kinky sex?" Liv tried.
"Well no…"
"But you thought her injuries looked like she had rough sex?"
"I guess, I dunno she kicked me out of there."

"And did you think to ask her what had happened?"
"Hello? I told you she kicked me out, slammed the fucking door in my face, how could I have asked her anything?" Kim spat getting worked up.
"Okay, okay, it's just that something did happen to your sister and we're just trying to help her by gathering as much information as possible and you have really helped Kim," Liv tried.
"What happen to her?" Kim asked.
"You have to ask your sister about that okay?" Liv said as kindly as possible.
"We… don't really talk…" Kim said, voice frail and shaky instantly.
"Well hopefully you'll get a chance to clear that up with her," Liv said.

There was a silent pause. Liv scribbled down something on a piece of paper and held it up towards Nick. It read; Do we have her #? Nick shook his head.

"Kim?" Liv tried, not sure where Kim's head was at, "If I need to talk to you again is there a number I can reach you at?"
"You want my number?" Kim asked cautiously.
"Yes it would be really helpful for me as well as your sister," Liv said.
"But you're a cop," Kim said.
"Look Kim, the number is just for me so I can get in contact with you if I need to. Maybe I can give it to Amanda as well, maybe she wants to get in touch with you too," Liv said and felt a little bad for lying.

She had no idea if Amanda had any interest in rekindle any contact with her sister, Liv couldn't really see a reason she would want to do that but she needed Kim's contact info.

"What about the arrest warrant?" Kim asked and made it obvious she still thought most and foremost about her own safety.
"I will not give your number to Tucker. I have talked to him though, asked him if he would wave the warrant if I needed you to come here to testify."
"Testify?" Kim blurted out, "What's really going on here?"
"Your sister will probably be taking the stand in court very soon and Kim, if we need you to testify, and if Tucker waves the warrant of course, will you be willing to come to New York then? Stand up for your sister?" Liv waited but Kim kept quiet.

"Kim, isn't it about time you stood up for your sister for a change?" Liv decided to push, hoping it wouldn't backfire.
"This is Mike's phone, he's my boyfriend, you can reach me on it but you can have my number as well," Kim said very quietly.
"Thank you Kim," Liv said heartedly and scribbled down the digits Kim gave her. Liv thanked her again and promised to give Amanda her number as well when Kim asked her to. She hung up and took a deep breath as she handed Nick his phone back. Both men looked at her with invasive eyes.

"I don't think she'll be a good witness for Amanda," she said a bit disappointed as she shook her head slightly.
"Not credible?" Nick guessed.
"With her past and her record I guess not but if she says on the stand what she just told me it may sway the jury Patton's way and not Amanda's."

Liv caught their puzzled looks and realized they didn't have the full story.

"He now says they had rough sex at one point, that she asked for it," Liv said as gently as possible.
"That pig," Fin hissed.
"But that won't fly in court right?" Nick said feeling even more shocked with this part of the puzzle.
"It's going to be a he said, she said situation but at least they are two women with collaborating stories. And he did change his story as we served him with Amanda's allegations, Barba will use that against him as he rips him on the stand."

She tried to give them a reassuring look before she sat up. She remembered she had a recording waiting for her in her mailbox.

"They caught the guys that roughed her up in the alley," Fin let Nick know.
"No?" Nick said stumped. Fin nodded.
"And they got some recording of them talking to Patton," Fin added and Nick looked even more surprised.
"Can I listen in?" Nick asked once he realized what Liv was up to.

She nodded without looking at him as she was busy trying to find a program to open the file with. Nick hung in over the desk to get closer as Liv turned up the volume right after she'd hit play. There was a ring tone, some static on the line but then someone picked up.

"Hey," someone said.
"Patton?" male #2 asked and got a positive response. Liv rolled her eyes at Patton's stupidity.

"You done?" Patton asked.
"Yeah," the other male answered.
"Smoothly?"
"We got interrupted."
"What? You didn't get to her?" Patton asked, voice raised.
"No we did but we didn't get to finish the job."
"Someone see you?"
"No, we were faster than him."
"Him? Big somewhat blackish guy, black leather jacket?" Patton asked eagerly.

Liv shot Fin a look, he had a big crease between his eyes, eyes fixed on the computer.

"Yeah."
"Son of a bitch. I told you to make sure he wasn't around," Patton said angrily.
"She left alone, we were alone going down the street, he showed up out of nowhere," the other male tried to explain.
"Okay but you're sure he didn't see you?"
"He only saw our backs boss."

The fact he called Patton boss hinted that they might've done business before.

"Okay and what about her? Did you… do it as I told you?"
"Yeah."
"Tell me," Patton demanded and Liv started to get a creepy feeling in her gut.
"Eh… well we grabbed her, roughed her up just a little as you told us."
"Did she fight back?"
"She tried to."

Patton was heard snickering on the recording.

"Told you she was a fire cracker, didn't I tell you?"
"You told us boss," the other male said but didn't sound as amused as Patton.
"But when you… touched her… she froze right?" Patton started to sound very pervy and the people listening in squirmed uncomfortably.
"Yeah… I guess."
"Tell me," Patton demanded.
"About what…"
"How you touched her," Patton said angrily.
"Well I held her, held her arms back, Holt grabbed her… or at her breasts."
"And she froze?"
"Well not really, I mean she still tried to kick me, him, head butt me."
"Even when he grabbed her tits?" Patton snickered.

Fin clinched his fist listening to the creep. He should've known his partner didn't disclose the full extent of the assault in the alley the other night.

"I guess," again the other male sounded a little weirded out.
"And then what? He touched her down there as well?"
"Aha, like you said."
"Tell me," Patton demanded. The other guy cleared his throat a little.
"We told her what you told us to tell her, to shut her trap or she was asking for a rerun. That we would get her when she least expected it, ram her the way she liked it. Holt even said he was hoping she wouldn't shut her trap so he would get the pleasure to do her."

Patton snickered, static getting louder as he seemed to get too close to the receiver.

"He said that? Brilliant," Patton scoffed, "Tell me how he touched her."
"How he touched her?" the other guy asked and Patton reaffirmed that's what he said. The other guy sounded a little uncomfortable as he told Patton just how his fellow hooligan had touched Amanda. Above the jeans at first and then started to pull up her top, her jacket already been torn.

"Yeah, yeah," Patton breathed, "And then what?"
"Well then that guy showed up."
"Damn, so he never really touched her."
"I think he got to her enough boss, she wasn't struggling at that point."
"Okay, good, good," Patton breathed, "So Holt wouldn't mind doing her?"
"Eh no?"
"Okay you stay put, I might need you again," Patton said, the smirk on his face evident in his voice.

"Son of a bitch," Liv whispered.

Patton asked the other male if they had enough money to which he answered yes and then Patton said to stay off the radar and that he would be in touch. The call ended and so did the recording. Liv leaned back in her chair, again feeling a little drained, this case was inevitably getting to her.

"That was just heinous," Nick said trying to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth, "but that will incriminate him big time."

Fin gave him a disgruntled look though.

"We can't use it," he muttered. Nick looked baffled over to Liv as Fin had stepped away right after he dropped it.
"I think it was obtained illegally," Liv said but hurried to add as she saw Nick's eyes cloud over again, "but they caught the guys thanks to it. We'll be able to interrogate them later today. We'll get them to give Patton up, we have to."

The door to the interrogation room opened up suddenly and drew everyone's attention. Dodds popped his head out.

"Can we get some water in here?" he asked and seemed to expect someone to jump on it. Nick reacted the quickest and hurried out.
"How's it going?" Liv asked.
"As good as can be expected," Dodds said lowering his voice a little, "She seems credible."

Liv's eyes narrowed but she kept quiet and hoped Fin would be able to as well but she wouldn't hold it against him if he said anything. He didn't though. Nick came back in carrying three bottles of water and handed them to Dodds who then quickly disappeared inside again closing the door behind him.

Liv caught both Fin and Nick turning to look inside.

"Okay guys," she said trying to pull their attention but didn't really succeed.
"Guys," she said a little higher and finally got them to turn their heads around.
"Let's leave her be for now okay?" she said softly.

She turned to look at her screen and the email Sawyer had sent her.

"Holt Brennan and Ross Davis. Both from Atlanta," she read out loud and then turned to look at them again, "Let's dig up everything we can on them and their connection to Patton. If we can nail these two and get them to rat out Patton it will be very beneficial to this case. To Amanda."

Both Fin and Nick nodded and then walked out. Liv took a deep breath once they'd stepped out. She heard Amanda's frail voice from the room next door and she walked up to the window. She just caught Dodds asking something as she got to the window and then Amanda's brittle voice;

"Cause he told me the second time."

Liv felt a slight chill down her spine. She knew exactly where they were at in Amanda's statement and it pained Liv to have to listen to it again. But she was Amanda's boss and this was one time she could really be on Amanda's side. She wasn't sure what other related issues Amanda would let her help with. She'd spent the night thinking about the aftermath of this and what Amanda had been through and would have to go through. She didn't doubt Amanda could function as a detective again, she wanted Amanda back on the squad, but she would have to seek treatment. She needed counseling. Liv would push on it.

She knew Cragen had sent her to see doctor Olivet after the shooting of her sister's boyfriend. She would look in to if Olivet still worked for the department and if so, if Amanda would be willing to see her. Liv already knew she would bring this up the next time she saw doctor Lindstrom, maybe he would have some good advice for her. Liv feared Amanda would just want to stick her head in the sand but this time she wouldn't be able to, the entire NYPD would know once the trial was over, whatever the ruling would be.

Everyone would know what she'd been through and even though probably most of them wouldn't say anything there would be looks, whispers behind her back, silence as she entered a room. Liv knew this from personal experience. People usually meant good but they had a very strange way of showing it sometimes. It was something Amanda would have to get used to if she would survive working here when this was over. And Liv hoped desperately she would want to.

She wanted a chance to make it right, the poor introduction they had, the failed attempts to form some sort of bond, which Liv could clearly see her part in now, and then that whole Declan Murphy debacle. Damn she wished she would've dug or pushed more that time Amanda mentioned something happening to her on the job, the something not worth pursuing. Had she known it was this worth pursuing she would've fought. She should've fought. But she would have to not dwell on that right now and she took a deep breath. Right now she had to focus on getting Amanda and her squad through this and hopefully – hopefully – see Patton get thrown in jail.

Later that day Patton's goons Holt Brennan and Ross Davis were brought in. Amanda picked them out of a line-up conducted by unbiased officials and with Barba still present. Liv wanted everything done right and for Patton not to be able to say they played fences. After the line-up she'd insisted that Amanda head home, she'd been through enough for today. Reluctant and sullen Amanda packed herself out of there. Liv had asked Fin to stay though, she needed him for the interrogations.

Liv let Fin and Nick take Ross, the one they've heard on the recording, while Liv and Carisi took Holt, the guy that according to the recording had done most of the groping during the assault.

They had the game plan set, no mention of the recording but they could act as though they had eyes on that alley and what had taken place in there. The aim was to get them to admit Patton was behind it. The goal was to take down Patton. These sleaze balls could get immunity if they gave up Patton. Hopefully they would get what was coming to them somewhere down the line.

Barba stayed around to be able to draw up papers immediately in case they spilled. Liv let him have one of the backrooms to be able to do some work as they waited around for the men to be brought it but he was right there out in the hallway as the detectives divided to conquer.

Holt would turn out to be a tough nut to crack but he wasn't all that bright and Liv and Carisi trapped him to the scene of the crime at least. He refused to give up Patton though. Liv had a pretty good idea why. Patton turned up in Holt's juvie record and had probably been in Holt's life for a long time, getting him off charges in exchange for some side jobs that a police officer shouldn't conduct himself in.

But Liv wasn't so disappointed at them failing to get Holt to rat Patton out as she learnt Ross had caved. She was a little afraid Fin and Nick had used foul methods but she'd asked Barba to watch their interrogation and as he seemed pleased she had to figure not too much deviation had gone on. Ross Davis had befriended Holt Brennan about six years ago and soon learnt the benefits of having a friend in the police department. It came with a price though, he'd persuaded witnesses, pressured guys for money and beat people up on orders from Patton. He gave Holt up as well.

They'd been at that bar two nights ago, following Amanda from the station. Their orders had been to rough her up, scare her out of taking the stand in a trail he had no idea what it was about. They did know she was a cop though. The orders had included some specific elements. They were to sexually assault her in some way they saw fit but not take it too far. The goal was to scare her to silence.

Liv couldn't help but sneer at the fact Patton's plan had totally backfired, it might have been what made Amanda finally open up about what had really happened.

They gave Holt a chance to change his testimony but he called Ross a fucking liar. It was not the best situation as Patton's defense might call Holt to dispute what Ross was saying but Barba was pretty sure he could pick Holt to pieces if it came to that.

Another few days passed with everyone preparing for the upcoming trial. Fin spent the nights on Amanda's couch, at times on the other side of her bed. She had severe trouble sleeping. Mostly it was getting to bed, Fin found her doing almost anything to just not have to lie down. She didn't want to say it but he was rather sure it had to do with nightmares that plagued her sleep and judging by her reluctance to go to bed he figured she had some pretty bad ones as of late.

Laying an arm length away he could easily poke her or rub her back slightly as she got agitated in her sleep. Since he wasn't used to sleeping next to anyone he usually woke up the moment her turmoil started and could pull her out before it got too bad. It wasn't a solution that would work for the rest of their lives but it worked for now. He didn't mind being her alarm system and he did his best to not make her feel embarrassed for needing him.

She did her best to work but everyone could tell this was taking a toll on her. Liv had decided to keep her inside since there was still a threat assessment. Amanda wasn't happy with desk duty but Liv didn't budge and would just have to pucker through Amanda's sullenness. Liv cut Fin some slack as well, she knew he was looking out for his partner and that it was the reason to why he came in some mornings looking completely spent. She didn't mind him dodging off to the bunks to catch some shut eye.

Liv was very involved with the Patton case which meant Nick and Carisi carried a lot of weight with other cases coming in. Dodds was aware though and redirected some cases to other special victim's units so that Patton's case got prioritized and so the Manhattan SVU wasn't swamped.

Since Liv knew what it was like being the center of everyone's attention she had a talk with the guys in private about Amanda. She knew Fin probably didn't need to hear it but she still wanted to include him as he might have something to add. She mostly just told them to try and act as normal as possible. Amanda had expressed she didn't want special treatment as the desk duty got relevant, Liv had pushed though but now she relayed that to the guys and added some personal reflections from her Lewis ordeal.

It didn't help much though. Carisi found himself nervous whenever around Amanda and as usual blurting out all sorts of odd things when he got like that. He tried to not make that a reason to avoid her though. Nick got nervous around her too but that just made him quiet and at times not even able to look at her. He felt really shitty over his own behavior, he felt like he was failing her. But he worried that all the unresolved things and issues between them added to her troubled state and the last thing he wanted was to add to her discomfort.

As days passed though and the trial was coming up he found himself not able to catch her alone ever and finally he spent a night trying to get a hold of her over the phone. She wasn't picking up though. Since he'd made up his mind though he kept trying and by the fifth call she finally answered. Only it wasn't her picking up.

"Hey Nick, it's Fin," Fin answered having seen Nick's name in the display twice since Amanda disappeared in to the shower. He'd seen her acting nervous around the phone earlier as it buzzed a few times and then caught her with a lie as she said it was just a text but he'd seen Nick's name in the display.

"...hi," Nick said feeling a little busted.
"Look, she can't get to the phone right now," Fin said not sure how to break it to him any easier.
"Oh okay," Nick said.

There was a silent pause during which Nick fingered one of Zara's drawings on his fridge that he'd found Amanda studying one night as she was taking off. She had said it was pretty and he'd told Zara that as she visited a following weekend. Maybe he'd hoped Zara would've asked why his partner Amanda had been at their house but of course the eight year old didn't really ponder over it but was just happy to hear someone liked her art work.

"You okay?" Fin asked when Nick had stayed quiet a rather long time.
"Me? Yeah," Nick answered a little startled, "How's Amanda doing?"

Fin looked to the bedroom, hearing the shower run in the background as it had done for almost an hour now.

"She's hanging in there, probably just wants this trial over and done with," Fin said keeping it simple as he didn't want to betray Amanda's trust.
"Yeah I can understand that," Nick said nodding.
"Can I... Can I do something? For her I mean," Nick dared to ask after a bit of hesitation.
"Just be around, I think that's what she needs, just knowing we're here for her," Fin said, "But don't..."
"Don't what?" Nick asked when Fin went quiet.
"Just don't push okay?" Fin said a little unsure if he had the right to meddle or not.

He wasn't sure exactly what the two had going on but as far as he knew it had mostly caused his partner more distress to an already tumultuous life. And more distress was the last thing she needed right now. He tried to have her best interests in mind. She'd made some unwise decisions over the years which surely stemmed from her experience in Atlanta. Maybe Nick was what she needed or that would be good for her in the long run but it wasn't a decision she should make right now.

"Okay," Nick answered trying to not let his disappointment spill over in to his voice.
"She's going to need time," Fin said quickly as he felt he might be overstepping.
"Of course, and I don't mean to... make it worse for her," Nick said not able to leave his emotions out of his voice now.
"Of course not," Fin hurried to say.
"I'm just... struggling a little I guess with how to... act around her," Nick was a little worried he spilled too much to the wrong person.
"I don't want her to think I'm avoiding her that's all," he added hastily as Fin stayed quiet on the other side.
"I'll tell her you called," Fin said not sure what else he could say.
"Thanks," Nick said.

They hung up after short 'bye's, Nick still with the same unresolved gnawing feeling in his gut as when he first picked up the phone and Fin worrying he might be trying to help his partner out but doing it the wrong way.

Sam Reynolds got back to Liv to let her know Tim Fellner, the guy that had run in to Amanda as she fled the station that second time, would testify but that he'd also said he wasn't sure all these years later what he'd seen exactly. He wouldn't say that she could've fled from a rape cause she didn't look that messed up. It was a little discouraging but then Sam told her that with some digging he'd learnt that someone did go up after Amanda when she hadn't returned with the cups and Liv's attention picked up.

His name was Eric Bevan, now a former detective since he'd been shot while on duty about a year ago and then not been able to come back in full capacity. Sam had kept in contact with him and looked him up at his current work as a stocker at his brother-in-law's hardware store. After a bit of persuasion Eric had admitted he had in fact gone up to fetch both Amanda and the cups. He'd found the cups in a stack outside the former recreation room but there was no sign of Amanda.

He'd heard noises from inside Patton's office though and approached to investigate a little further. A bit guilt-ridden Eric admitted that he'd heard what sounded like a female in distress from behind the closed door. He'd tried the handle but found the door locked and as he heard Patton's enraged voice inside he'd stepped away without doing anything. Eric admitted that he still felt bad for not doing anything but Amanda had seemed fine the week after, no one had said anything and he just figured whatever it was that had been going on in there was none of his business.

Sam hadn't discussed with Eric about taking the stand but Liv said she would certainly bring this up with AD Barba and there was a good chance Eric would be called. Liv asked Sam to please try and make sure both Tim and Eric weren't pressed by Patton to change their statements before the trial. Sam promised he would do whatever he could to keep them honest.

They were only two days away from the trial now and Barba had asked to see Amanda in his office to go over the defense's witness list. There were a few names on there that he didn't recognize and needed more information about to know what he was up against if the defense decided to call them.

"How are you holding up?" Barba asked as Amanda took a seat in the chair opposite his desk while he sat down behind it. He'd given her a choice of the round table or the desk and she'd gestured at his desk so he figured she needed the distance and the professionalism the desk would give them.

"Good, I guess," Amanda answered a bit evasive. She did her best to keep her hands still where they rested on her thighs but she could already feel the twitches starting in them.

"No more threats from what Olivia's told me?" he asked and she shook her head.
"That's something," he muttered as he flipped his notebook up. He grabbed his pen and got the witness list up.

"You know they've put your mom on the list right?" he said looking up at her. She nodded as she readjusted her jacket nervously.
"Do you know what she could say that would speak against your credibility or character?"

Amanda took a shivering deep breath and tried to sit up a little in her chair. She found it hard to gather her thoughts. How the hell was she supposed to know what shenanigans her mom was up to now?

"You know they might not even call her, it could just be a tactic to through you off your game," Barba tried to make her feel a little better.
"Well it's working," Amanda mumbled.
"What she would say?" Amanda repeated just to get her head in to the game, "She'll probably say I'm too ambitious. I've heard that since… junior high, or even earlier."

Amanda shook her head a little but it was more to try and get her mother's voice out of her head than anything else.

"But I dunno, I mean she could make up all sorts of lies I guess but all I've ever done was to try and protect her… and my sister. Only time you'll find me in the records are linked to my mom's name. You've seen her record right?"

Barba nodded. He had plenty to use in case Amanda's mom came after her. He knew he could easily shred her credibility but he'd rather not subject Amanda to the ordeal that would mean.

"Does your mother know Patton?" Barba asked. Amanda shrugged slightly.
"She's met him. In arraignment court, maybe around the station once or twice. She knows Vivienne though."
"Patton's wife," Barba said and Amanda nodded, "How?"

Amanda squirmed a little.

"Vivienne… she does charity, for the church and… my mom, well she might not be proud of it but she wasn't shy of accepting things that were free."
"So your mother and Vivienne know each other?"
"They don't run in the same circles but they know of each other."
"Could Vivienne have gotten to your mother?"
"Maybe," Amanda admitted with a sigh, "if the price was right."

Barba scribbled down a quick note by Amanda's mother's name and left it at that, he hoped even more now that he wouldn't have to see the mother on the stand.

"Terrence Bolden," Barba said next and caught the frown on Amanda's face.
"He's a… former boyfriend of my moms," Amanda admitted through gritted teeth. Barba wasn't sure how to ask the question but he didn't have to as Amanda continued once she'd rearranged herself on her chair a little.

"I broke a bottle over his head," she said without any sign of remorse, "I was eight and my mom was on the floor with a black eye and a split lip."

Barba tried to sit absolutely still. His pen made a black stain on his note pad as he pressed it hard against the surface.

"Did he need emergency help?" Barba finally asked. Amanda looked hesitant.
"I don't think so," she said quietly.
"Did the police arrive?"

Amanda shrugged.

"I dunno, I didn't stay at the scene."

Barba watched her for a few seconds, he wasn't sure exactly where he had her at the moment.

"Will there be hospital records of your mother's injuries?"

Amanda took a deep breath.

"No," she sighed, "I mean I don't think so."
"So it was you, Mr Bolden and your mother?" Barba asked and Amanda nodded.
"Did something else happen between you and this Mr Bolden?"

Amanda tried to think back, she'd spent many years trying to forget the brute.

"Not that I can recall. They dated for a few months, he didn't like kids so they didn't spend much time around our place. She started to come home with bruises and then… he attacked her in our living room and… I used one of the bottles they'd emptied."

Amanda shrugged like it was nothing.

"Did he ever lay a hand on you or your sister?"
"No," she answered simply. Barba scribbled a note by the man's name.
"Mr Bolden has a voluminous record, they would be fools to call him," Barba said.

Amanda was a little relieved. Terrence had been far from one of the worst boyfriends of her mom's but he'd scared her, something about the blunt dislike in his eyes the few times he'd actually looked her way. And the rage right before he'd crashed to the floor, blood oozing from the head wounds and then the fear as her mom had yelled for her to, to run as far away as she could. She still could remember running as fast as her feet would carry her and hiding out in the tree hut behind the school all through the night. She could do without meeting another set of hateful eyes in the courtroom.

"Geoffrey Dodson," Barba said and carefully looked for Amanda's reaction. He only caught the absence of a reaction though. She just folded her eyes down to her lap.

Amanda watched her own nail scratch against the rough fabric of her black jeans. She scratched so hard she started to feel it in her skin underneath and it felt good.

"Amanda," Barba called for her attention, "Geoffrey Dodson, who is he?" he asked once he had her eyes.
"Another boyfriend of hers," she said quickly and then startled him as she got up out of her chair.

She started pacing a little behind his two visitor's chairs, a nervous twitch in her neck that didn't seem to want to ease.

"What happen with him detective Rollins?" Barba asked.
"Why would they…" Amanda mumbled, stroking back her hair even though it lay flat already. Why would they call these jerks? Her mom must've talked. No one else had their names right? Was her mom working with Patton? For Patton? Fuck. She rubbed the back of her neck hard.

"Amanda," Barba said softly as he sat up in his chair and leaned his elbows on his desk. She stopped pacing but squirmed slightly where she ended up standing.
"Whoever they call I'll take care of them on the stand okay? Do you trust me?" Barba asked calmly. Amanda had to think about it but then she nodded slightly.

"Tell me about Geoffrey Dodson?" he asked just as calmly.
"I took a baseball bat to his car. I wrecked it good," she said, her southern drawl very prominent.
"How old were you?" Barba asked watching her closely as her eyes had gone down to her shoes.
"Twelve," she said quietly.
"I'm sorry," Barba answered.
"Don't be," she said looking back up, "I could handle myself… and a bat."

He couldn't help but smile slightly and he was rewarded a shy one back but he had to sober up quickly.

"Was he also abusive to your mother?" Barba asked and after just a slight hesitation Amanda nodded, her eyes back down on her feet again.
"To you?" he asked, had to wait a while longer but then another nod.
"Mr Dodson has a record but it's not extensive, none of domestic abuse or assaults so if he is called I'm going to need a fuller account of exactly what happened okay?"

Amanda nodded while inhaling roughly, she still didn't look at him.

"Joshua Jemison," Barba said next, "Another boyfriend of your mom's?"

Amanda shook her head.

"Of mine," she said and started pacing again. Barba's eyes narrowed a little as he had another look at the birthdate of this male.
"When?" he asked.
"Eh… high school," Amanda said finding herself biting her nail and immediately pushed both hands down her jeans pockets to restrain herself from doing it.

Barba tried to do the math in his head.

"He was quite a lot older," he said carefully.
"I was 16," she said glancing his way.
"And he was old enough to be your mother's boyfriend," Barba pointed out. It earned him another displeased look from her.
"Did it end badly?" Barba tried. Amanda shook her head though.

"You had a sexual relationship I take it," Barba asked carefully. Amanda looked humiliated but then nodded clenching her jaw.
"Anything I should know…" Barba didn't want to ask it but he had to and hoped she would help him out.

Amanda couldn't believe this was happening and shook her head in disbelief. At any other time she would've liked to see Josh, after their break-up she'd been devastated but now she could look back to those years with a good feeling in her gut. What they had was a good thing, she would hate to see that destroyed as well by Patton.

"Look he was my first okay," Amanda said, embarrassment burning her cheeks and she couldn't look at him.
"He was older yeah but he was a good guy, we dated for almost two years. None of my high school friends had relationships that lasted that long. Did you?" She finally faced him.
"Okay," Barba said calmly as he could tell she was getting worked up. He gave her a few moments to gather herself.

"Nate Davis is on the list as well…" he said carefully.

Amanda started shaking her head in disbelief. She'd already seen the list so she knew but it was all sinking in how absurd this was. She was… she didn't even want to think it but she was the victim and here she was feeling like the one getting prosecuted. And for what? For having a mom that had the skill to pick out the bad seeds out of the harvest? For having a sister who managed to get herself in trouble when just crossing a bloody street? For being weak and not standing up to Patton? Why was this happening?

"Is there anything I should know about your sexual history?" Barba asked pulling her from her thoughts.
"Oh my God," Amanda blurted out looking up at the ceiling but grabbed her hair quickly with both hands and pulled her head back down.

"I'm sorry but I have to ask these…" Barba started but Amanda cut him off as she turned to him, some strands pulled from her ponytail now and hands clutching at the back of one of the visitor's chairs.

"I don't deserve this," she said fighting hard to keep her voice unbroken, "I don't deserve slutshaming for what he did to me…"

She had to collect herself for a few seconds, trying to get air down all the way to her lungs, and it dawn on her this was just like every other rape victim felt. This wasn't new, this wasn't any different from any other rape case. It was injustice, wrong on so many levels but this was the way it worked. She took one more deep breath and faced Barba again. Her voice was still worked up and fragile at the same time but she didn't care;

"Josh was my high school sweetheart. The first guy I slept with, the only one I slept with all through high school. I thought he would whisk me away, take me away from that hellhole that was my home. When he broke up with me I was heartbroken for a long time. I slept with two guys in college, none of them one night stands but guys I was in a relationship with. Another two boyfriends in Atlanta before…" she wanted to say Patton but she couldn't make herself say his name right now, "…and two since I came to New York. I don't think that's a lot, do you?"

Barba shook his head calmly.

"And there's nothing… shameful in there. No whips, no cuffs, I've never done drugs with any of them, or with friends or alone.., or with my sister. I shouldn't have to feel ashamed for any of it. I'm not… a slut."

"I know that," Barba said seriously but then got a softer tone as he continued, "We all know that but Amanda… you have to be ready, to prepare yourself because Patton… his lawyer will go there. It's the only defense he has and he will come after you. You have to prepare yourself for this."

There would be close to another hour with more pacing, eye rolls and heavy sighs from Amanda's end and concerned looks, rubbing of the chin and readjusting suspenders from Barba's end before she was able to leave his office. She'd driven herself there from the station, of course with the police escort tailing her and one of them had even walked her up to the courthouse like she was some fucking kid. She tried to brace herself to see him waiting outside. But instead she found Fin sitting on a bench across from Barba's office.

She knew he was just being a good partner, trying to back her up, make sure she was okay. And she did appreciate it but seeing him right now stirred up all those emotions from the meeting she'd just sat through, or paced through, with Barba. From the turmoil of these past few weeks, from all those years ago back in Atlanta, and from the childhood traumas that she much rather had kept buried but that the scumbag deputy chief Patton now made resurface along with all the other crap.

"Fuck Fin," she complained, got over the initial shock of seeing him there and started walking again.
"You don't have to babysit me," she hissed over her shoulder.

She could feel tears burning behind her eyes and she tried blinking to get rid of them.

"What happened?" she heard him ask behind her, his footsteps catching up to her.

Fin knew better than to take her anger personally and figured it had been a tough meeting with Barba.

"What are you doing here?" she spat over her shoulder.
"I just… wanted to make sure you got back to the station alright," Fin said a bit hesitant.

He wasn't really sure why he was there, he had the time so he figured why not.

"You don't think I can drive my own ass back to the station? What? Would I not find my way? There's no hill to drive off either. Maybe a bridge though."

Her voice had gotten higher, more agitated and it echoed in the grand hallways of the courthouse. Fin could feel the looks from people around them but Amanda didn't seem bothered and his focus was on her and no one else.

The fact he didn't answer or say anything aggravated her even more and she suddenly stopped and charged him to the point he even backed up a little.

"What are you doing here Fin? What do you want from me?" she yelled.

He kept his cool even though he wasn't sure what to do to reverse a situation that had gotten out of control faster than he could get his head around it.

"What do you want?" she yelled even louder in to his face. She looked ready to jump him, her fists in the air between them and her breath shallow and erratic.

Fin could see two guards approaching and he just knew that two beefy men grabbing her or even just coming close to her right now would not end this situation well so he got his hands calmly up on each side of him.

"I just want to make sure no more harm comes to you," he said as composed as possible. Her face crumbled slightly but her body language was still signaling danger. But she started to get aware of their surroundings. People were looking at them, staring at them, at her and her erratic behavior. She was losing it.

"It's too late," she whispered as she caved quickly under the glares.

She looked left and then right, getting intimidated by the looks. Over Fin's shoulder she spotted Barba further down the hall, drawn out from his office by the shouting. What was she thinking? Why did she have to open up her stupid trap? For years she'd kept quiet, why hadn't she left it buried?

"Amanda," Fin said carefully seeing the last color leave her face. Her fists had dropped, her eyes two vacant cavities as they came back to his again.

"I can't do this," she whispered.