Disclaimer: That '70s Show copyright The Carsey-Werner Company, LLC and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC.

WELCOME TO HYDEVILLE

or

ONE DIFFERENCE:
HYDE DOESN'T TOSS JACKIE'S BAG

Part V

Hyde sat alone, high up in the bleachers of Viking Stadium. The last day of school meant the last-day-of-school rally. The cheer squad was out on the field. Each chick wore the school's colors, green and white. They shouted silly chants, shook glittering pom-poms, and tossed one another into the air.

Then Jackie was thrown into the air.

Her legs spread out in a wide V. She landed in the safety of the squad's arms, and Hyde finally understood Kelso's infatuation. Her athleticism and flexibility were impressive, but Hyde didn't find them intriguing. Other attributes, subtler, had begun to mesmerize him … to the point of aggravation.

He'd already slept with a fourth of the cheer squad, thanks to Kat Peterson's gossip. Hot, rich girls liked slumming it, as long as the screw was good. And as long as no actual slums were involved. Had he brought those cheerleaders to his old neighborhood, they would've bolted faster than they could chant, "Get me out of here! G-E-T me out of here!"

Not Jackie, though. She went along willingly, let him lead her into a snake pit. She'd stared a hungry cobra in the eyes, stayed by Hyde's side while he fought it, and had more respect for Hyde afterward than he did for himself.

Applause filled the stadium while trumpets played wobbly, not-quite-in-tune notes. The school band was marching onto the field, and the cheer squad continued to perform, keeping Jackie busy. Hyde could've sparked up a joint where he was, alone and out of sight. No one would be looking for him at this lame-as-hell rally.

His hand fumbled with his lighter, but he didn't take it from his pocket. He'd come here to celebrate summer his way, smoking out in the open. That was what he'd told himself, but the truth was pushing through his cracks, growing like dandelions in sidewalk seams. And the truth smelled like Jackie.

He'd kept his opinion of her in a tiny box, refusing to see beyond his first, second, and third impressions. But she defied pigeon-holing. With Kelso, she was bossy and condescending. But with Hyde her bossiness became determination. Her condescension, compassion. He'd been the condescending one, doing to her what he resented people doing to him.

The cheer squad's current routine ended with the squad shaking its pom-poms. Jackie took the lead on the next one, but with the band marching, the routine was hard to see. Hyde stood up on the bleachers for a better view, and that unwelcome buzz irritated his chest.

"Sign my yearbook?" The field vanished, replaced by a green-and-white yearbook cover. Forman. If the culprit had been anyone else, that yearbook would've been chucked behind the bleachers."And if you'd be so kind," Forman said, "tell me what the hell is going on with Jackie."

Hyde pushed the yearbook away and sat back down. "How the hell should I know what's goin' on with her?"

"Because she's in my math class, and—"

"She's in Precalc?"

"Yeah, and—"

"Fuck. She is a brain." Hyde's attention returned to the field, to what he could glimpse of Jackie. She was a sophomore in Precalculus; how'd he miss that little fact about her? Kelso had no clue how smart she was, so he never talked about it. Forman mainly complained about her in the circle, and those were usually incoherent rambles. Plus, one of Hyde's daily goals was to shut Jackie out. Any relevant information she might've shared, he wouldn't have absorbed.

Forman's thin fingers waved in front of Hyde's face. "Anyone ever tell ya your hands look like spiders?" Hyde said.

"No," Forman said, "but thank you for giving me another thing to be afraid of." He stared at his hands then shook his head. "Back to Jackie. She was all over me while Mr. Fletcher handed out our final exams. I got an A-minus, by the way—"

Hyde quirked up an eyebrow."All-over-you how?"

"Oh, God." Forman winced and stuck out his tongue. "Not like that. She was asking me—well, more like interrogating me—about you. 'What's Steven's favorite thing to do on the weekends?' 'Where does Steven usually bring girls on dates?' 'What does Steven buy himself with his paycheck?'

"Man, she's callin' me 'Steven' outside the circle now?" Hyde had hoped it was a fluke, borne of nerves.

"That's all you took from what I said? She's building a file on you! It's supposedly for a play she's writing. She'll be in English Honors next year and wants to get a 'head start'."

"What'd you tell her?"

"I tried not to tell her anything..." Forman's yearbook was on his lap, and he drummed his fingers on its hard cover, "but you know Jackie. She wouldn't leave me alone until I gave her what she wanted. So I said you like to drink beer, take girls up to the lake, and buy yourself beer."

Hyde leaned his head back. The sky was a clear blue, not a cloud in it, but clouds crowded his skull. "Great, Forman. So she thinks I'm an alcoholic."

"Well, you kind of are. Have you looked under your cot lately? I think the empty beer cans you stashed there have formed a society."

Hyde glowered at him, but Jackie's voice rang through his mind: "Hyde, no offense, but with an alcoholic mom and an absent dad, you were bound to end up in jail sooner or later." She'd said it to him last year, on Halloween, and his self-delusion about the empty beer cans fell apart.

He shoved his palms against his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. Caring what Jackie thought of him … this was new. She didn't know Bud was an alcoholic, too. That Hyde had two strikes against him and was slowly painting a third X over his life. "Actually, that's good, Forman," he said. "You did good."

"I did?"

"Yeah." He patted Forman's shoulder then pushed off it. He was on his feet and headed for the stadium stairs. His attempts at scaring Jackie away had been unsuccessful, but maybe success was still within reach.

"Hyde, you have to protect me!" Fez said. He'd accosted Hyde on his way out of the stadium, clutching his arm.

"From who?" Hyde glanced at the field, where members of the football team were showing off their touchdown dances. "The jocks?"

"No, from Jackie!"

Fez got behind him and tried to hide under Hyde's shirt. Hyde jumped away and checked over the shirt's hem. "Man, had this since the eighth grade. Better not have stretched it out."

"Fine, if you won't let Led Zeppelin conceal me, then I will tell Jackie everything she wants to know."

"You tell me everything I wanna know, and I'll get you outta here." Hyde gestured down the stadium stairs. An exit was nearby, but so were enthusiastic rally attendees. Guys roared their support for the Vikings while girls offered high-pitched screams. "What's Jackie after?"

"You," Fez said. "She—she asked me what you and I talk about when we're alone. What kinds of movies we go to. I think she thinks you and I are dating."

Hyde exhaled loudly. Jackie was working hard to come up with a perfect date for them, but the perfect date would be no date at all. "Yeah, she doesn't think that," he said. "So what'd you say?"

"Uh..." Fez's eyes flicked away from him. "I said we talk about..."

"Don't say bleachers."

"Bleachers."

Hyde grasped the sides of Fez's face and forced Fez to look at him. "What did you actually say?"

"I told her we talk about masturbation," Fez said between Hyde's hands. "Like how much is too much, how to keep it interesting—"

Hyde released Fez's cheeks with a little shove. "I never tell you 'how to keep it interesting'."

"Ai … I know, but I panicked. I told her what I ask you about. You should've seen her eyes, Hyde. I've never felt so violated."

"Okay."

"It was like—it was like she was trying to peel back the layers of my brain."

Hyde understood the look. He'd experienced it himself last night. "Let's get outta here," he said and took the lead toward the exit.

"Yes, but—but I also told her you like action movies with car chases and explosions."

"Super."

They entered the exit's dark tunnel, but Fez tapped Hyde's back. "And that you read political history books."

"Uh-huh."

"And Playboy."

"Who doesn't?" Hyde said, but the idea of Jackie knowing about that soured his stomach.

"And that you prefer the pictures of blonds with big boobs."

Hyde stopped walking, and Fez bumped into back. "How do you know that?" Hyde said.

"You dog-eared the pages."

"So you sneak into my room and read my nudie mags?"

"Who doesn't?" Fez said, and Hyde resumed walking, faster this time. He had to get out of this tunnel, out of this stadium. His proximity to Jackie was altering his brain waves. Blonds with giant racks were his type, the chicks he usually ended up fucking. They tended to blend into one another—not much to say, eager to screw—and they rarely got attached. Not that all blonds fit the mold, but the ones he chose did.

And Jackie didn't fit the mold at all.

Fez sped up his pace, almost to a run. "She wants to know more, Hyde. She said she's writing a paper on foster children, but I don't understand why she doesn't ask me questions about me."

"Maybe 'cause you already tell her everything about yourself."

"Yes, but I'm a foreign-exchange student from a distant land. That's a more fascinating topic than foster children, isn't it?"

"Sure." Hyde tried to stay annoyed, but a few chuckles escaped him. Jackie had played her sources of information expertly. She must've told Fez the paper was for her English Honors, too.

They reached the end of the tunnel, and sunlight hit Hyde's eyes. He squinted as his amusement faded. He was dealing with someone who was more than smart. She was devious, and that made her more dangerous.

Kelso slammed his yearbook onto the spool table. The basement seemed to rattle with the force, and he pointed to the open page. "Look at how many phone numbers I got at the rally!"

Hyde angled his neck slightly but didn't move from his chair. "So?"

"So? It means I'm gonna do it with hot chicks all summer!"

"What about Laurie?"

"And Laurie."

Hyde propped his leg on the spool table, on top of Kelso's yearbook. "What about Jackie?"

"If Jackie were into it, yeah, but she's not that kind of girl." Kelso slapped Hyde's boot, but Hyde didn't move it. "Man, I wish she were. Then she never woulda broken up with me." Kelso tugged on the yearbook, trying to dislodge it with no success. "Come on, Hyde."

Hyde kept his boot where it was. "How're you gonna feel, man, when she starts datin' other guys?"

"Oh, she's not gonna date other guys."

"Okay, when she starts datin' other chicks."

Kelso laughed then stopped, as if his mind had processed Hyde's meaning. "Naw, she's not gonna date anybody."

"Ever?"

"Ever."

"Why's that?"

"Because I don't want her to." Kelso gave his yearbook a yank. It came free of Hyde's boot but not without a sacrifice. One of the pages ripped off. "Damn it! Look at what you did!"

"Hey, I'm just sitting here."

Kelso said nothing and tucked the yearbook under his arm. Then he went to the shelves beneath the basement stairs. "Eric's gotta have some tape here somewhere—got it." He brought a roll of Scotch tape back with him, but the torn-off page was still trapped under Hyde's boot. "Hyde?"

"So as long as Jackie lives," Hyde said, "she can't date anyone."

"Nope. It's in the rules."

"What rules?"

"The Breakup Rules. God." Kelso slapped Hyde's boot again, achieving the same non-result. "Fine." His hand slipped into the cuff of Hyde's jeans. He was going for the boot laces, and Hyde finally withdrew his leg. "Thank you."

Kelso placed the torn page in the yearbook. "Look, you've never had a real girlfriend," he said and broke off a short piece of tape, "so you don't how it is. But, trust me, you wouldn't want your ex-girlfriend going out with anyone either. That's why the rule exists."

Hyde did his best to stay calm. His arms were crossed over his chest, and his fingers dug into his biceps. But he wanted nothing more than to smash his fist into Kelso's arm. "So you can fuck whoever you want, and Jackie's gotta become a nun."

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Good to know."

"Anytime, buddy." Kelso pulled a longer piece of tape from the roll, maybe too long because it stuck to itself. "Damn." He tried breaking it off, but then it stuck to the side of his hand, too.

"Use your teeth," Hyde said.

"Right." Kelso did as Hyde suggested and severed the tape from the roll.

"Okay, see what you just did?"

"What about it?"

"Jackie's done that to you."

Kelso stared at Hyde dumbly. "Huh?"

"She's gonna date who she wants, when she wants."

"N'uh-uh. I won't let her."

Hyde uncrossed his arms and leaned forward in the chair. "How're you gonna do that?"

"I'll—I'll—" Kelso managed to get another piece of tape stuck to him, this time to his wrist. He pulled it off. "I'll spy on her dates. Sabotage them."

"Won't leave much time for you to nail those other girls."

"Yeah, but Jackie can't date anyone else. She's mine."

Hyde clutched his knees. A speech on women's rights mushroomed in his throat, something Donna would be proud of, but he used language Kelso could understand. "And you're not hers, right? 'Cause that's 'how it works'. Got news for ya, man: that ain't how it works."

Kelso was halfway through reattaching the yearbook page. He smoothed another piece of tape over it and said, "Of course it does."

"Nope." Hyde got off the chair. He sat next to Kelso on the couch, and his arm slipped around Kelso's shoulders. "'Cause whenever she does start goin' out with other people—whether it's a jock from the football team, a nerd in her honors classes, or even Fez—I'll make sure you're not around to interfere."

"Y—you will?"

"Consider me her force field."

Kelso's eyes widened, and he squirmed beneath Hyde's arm. "Why? What're you getting out of it? You hate Jackie."

"I hate hypocrites more." To emphasize his point, Hyde squeezed Kelso's shoulders. "And you, man, are a big fat one."

"I am not fat!"

Hyde released him and stood up. "You had your chance, made your choice. You could've been a man and broken up with her, but you strung her along while screwin' Laurie on the side—"

"And a girl from Sacred Heart." Kelso was smiling, and Hyde slammed his fist into Kelso's arm. "Ow!"

"Don't expect you to get it," Hyde said, "but you are gonna start respectin' her. Enough to stay outta her way."

"If she respects me enough not to date other guys, sure!" Kelso rubbed his arm. "She owes me that for all the sweet loving I gave her."

Jackie owed Kelso shit, but Hyde saved his breath. Beloved Moron and Hypocrite would probably adorn Kelso's tombstone. He'd keep the Kelso-family tradition going as long as he lived, but their conversation hadn't been a total waste. Kelso's attitude had turned Hyde's ambivalence into certainty. He'd go out with Jackie tomorrow with a semblance of enthusiasm, if only to teach Kelso a lesson.