"You should get some rest Sir. They said it will be hours. They have your number. Why don't you go home?"

"I can't," he said painfully then qualified it by adding, "I don't want to rattle around there by myself."

"Do you want to stay here then? They have a waiting lounge. I'll stay with you."

"No, you need to sleep. I don't suppose I could..." His voice trailed off uncertainly. Tommy did not want to impose.

"Yeah, of course."

Barbara had driven to the hospital and was parked at the far end of the carpark. The evening was cool and he considered pulling on his jacket but could not really be bothered. Lynley was much more tired than he had thought. As he squeezed into her car and maneuvered his feet around the discarded papers and food wrappings in her foot well he was grateful for his unkempt friend and her casual ease. "Thank you for tonight. You were excellent with Mother."

"You're welcome Sir. Are you hungry?"

The mention of food reminded him of that appalling venison. "No, just tired. But Barbara can I ask a favour?"

"Of course, anything."

"Please call me Tommy," he begged. As he said it he could hear the pitiful desperation of a child trying to make a friend. She looked across at him and frowned. At first he thought she was going to berate him but she seemed to weigh up all the issues associated with the request. She had resisted every previous attempt and he could see she was trying to find a way to gently refuse again. "I don't know why Barbara but tonight especially it would mean the world to me."

He watched her take a slow and deliberate breath. "I'll try...Tommy."

Hearing her call him by name and not rank was far more soothing than he had ever thought but he understood from the way she said it that his elation came at the price of her security. Despite everything else she had said and done for him over the years this carried an intimacy that exposed her. It was one of the few moments when she had let down all her barriers so that they could connect as true equals. He had asked her to give away a piece of herself that she guarded scrupulously and yet she had willingly done it to make him feel better. He was humbled that she cared more for his needs than her own. If he spoke he would say something mortifyingly mawkish and he could sense Barbara had reached her limit on sentimentality tonight so he simply turned towards her in his seat and smiled. She smiled back shyly and Tommy felt safe enough to say, "thank you."

Her flat was as untidy as her car and perversely it helped Tommy relax. Barbara's flat exuded homeliness. Perhaps the historic old pile that he grew up in, trying hard never to bump the priceless antiques, followed by the rigidity of boarding school had coupled with his fastidious personality to create a need for order. This compulsive tidiness came at the cost of never feeling anywhere was home. Tommy sighed and threw his jacket over the back of her chair before he collapsed into it. To his amusement Barbara appeared with a coat-hanger and hung his jacket with great reverence.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked.

"Nightcap." They looked at each other and smiled. Barbara still had the same bottle of whiskey in her cupboard and poured him a drink. It transported him back to the night two years ago when he had arrived on her doorstep and the conversation had started the same way. Barbara had thought he had been too honourable to sleep with Christine Miller but it was not honour that stopped him; it had been his guilt about how Barbara would feel if he had. He had been intellectually and probably physically attracted to Christine but he could never have loved her. After wandering aimlessly, unable to understand himself, he had ended up at Barbara's flat. She was the only one who knew him well enough to understand his confusion about Christine and his marriage. They had talked and for a moment, when they had looked at each other with an intensity that still warmed his heart, they both acknowledged they had gone well past being good friends. They gave each other purpose.

He wished now that he had taken it further but he had been scared she would lose respect for him. How could he ever have convinced her that he needed her in a way that at the time he could not articulate but that Christine or Helen could never satisfy? With his arrest the moment passed and sadly, with the stress of the hearing and his guilt about so many things, he had allowed himself to be fooled into resuming his respectable marriage. Perhaps if he had risked it that night everything would be different. Helen would probably still be alive, happily divorced and pursuing her interests and he may not have endured two years of agonising emotional turmoil. Now it was too late. Tommy knew he loved Barbara. He wanted to be with her but in a companionable, spiritual way. He was not after cheap gratification but she would always believe that was exactly what he wanted. He wished he could turn back time to that night but they had moved on to a new understanding; a friendship that could endure, not to be risked by ill-conceived passion.

He accepted the drink with a smile. "I promise, no great outpourings of my life's failures tonight Barbara."

"I don't mind...Tommy. We all need someone to confide in at times. You've helped me often enough. I was pleased it was me you reached out to tonight."

Tommy felt a lump develop in his throat. He leant forward and took her hand and looked directly in her eyes. "On balance I take far more than I give. There's no one else I would ever want to turn to but you. You're the only one who's ever really tried to understand me; the only one who's never wanted me to be anything but who I am."

Barbara held his gaze in a long, poignant stare that echoed that night before she broke the spell with her subtle humour. "No, I've wanted to change you alright and I think in some ways I have. You're not an insufferable ponce any more for starters."

Tommy smiled and laughed lightly. "I'm not so sure, I tried earlier tonight."

"Yeah but now you don't really mean it. Anyway you've changed me too. I'm more tolerant and forgiving."

"Marginally."

Barbara grinned at him. "Probably more than you think. It's late. You can sleep in my bed this time. You need a decent sleep."

Tommy looked up shocked and wondered if Barbara had also wanted that night two years ago to end differently. Barbara looked at him for a long time. "I'll stay out here," she said slowly, "you look beat and the next few days are going to be tiring. Stop being the gentleman for once and just do as you're told."

"Thank you."

"And stop thanking me all the time. We're friends right?" Tommy nodded. "It's what friends do. Now scoot."

Tommy stripped off his to his underwear and gratefully climbed under the covers. As he warmed it the bed smelled of Barbara. It was strange but comforting to be surrounded by her but he wished he had had the courage to ask her to stay with him. He would like to feel her arms around him, to feel her caress his head and lull him to sleep. He wanted to hold her to his chest and never let go.

Tommy had deliberately not closed her door. Maybe it had been an unconscious invitation but it had been a conscious way of trying to stay connected as she slept outside. As he drifted off to sleep he imagined she was there, sitting on the edge of the bed watching over him. He dreamt that she had said everything would be okay. She would be here for him no matter what happened. "Let me help you Sir. Don't do that thing where you drift off and think no one but your Scotch bottle loves you."

He could almost feel a soft kiss on his forehead before little feet padded away. "Barbara?" The feet stopped suddenly. He raised his head and looked up. She was silhouetted in the door frame. Tommy extended his hand. "Stay with me." The shadow remained still. "Please stay Barbara."

The shadow moved. At first he thought it had left him until he felt the covers lift and Barbara snuggled in beside him. He was on his side and she turned to face the same way. Tommy slipped his arm around her waist and held her. Her body curved into his as if it had been made for him. She held his hand and clamped it firmly in place. He smiled softly wondering if she was only doing that to ensure it did not wander north or south. Her warmth spread through him and Tommy felt calm, almost tranquil. His eyes felt heavy and he started to fall asleep. "Thank you," he mumbled almost incoherently, "I love you Barbara."

"Me too," she replied almost inaudibly. He sighed contentedly and sleep overtook him.

The staccato bleep of his alarm woke him only three hours later. His head was heavy and he just wanted to sleep. He fumbled on the overcrowded bedside table and found his phone. A swift swipe to the right and the annoying noise ceased. Barbara was awake and moved away. Her face had been nestled into his chest and her hand had been draped over him holding him tightly. His arm was numb but still under her and he pulled her back to him and wrapped his other arm around her. She did not hug him back but he did not mind. "I don't deserve you," he said before he planted a kiss on her head and released her.

Barbara wordlessly disappeared to the bathroom. He heard the shower and ten minutes later with wet hair and a change of clothes she was bustling around in the kitchen. He climbed back into his stale suit then followed the scent of coffee. "Good morning. Thanks for letting me stay." He sensed her discomfort. What made sense in the dark was awkward in the light.

"You're welcome. Have you rung the hospital?"

"No, I was avoiding it," he answered honestly. For the first time that morning she looked at him directly. "I'll ring now."

"Well?' she asked anxiously when he hung up.

"Two emergency caesareans and a heart patient pushed her down the schedule. She's in theatre now. It will be another two hours at least before she is in the ward."

"Time for breakfast then and to take you home to get showered and changed. Then I'll drop you at the hospital."

"Thank you. Will you come in with me?"

"If you want me to." Barbara came over and stood in front of him. "How are you?"

He smiled at her. "Better thanks. I slept peacefully."

"I'm glad. Well tonight you'll have a bit more room at home." Her tone was not in any way harsh but it was firm and Tommy understood that last night was not going to be repeated. He was sad but not surprised. It had been too intimate for Barbara. He nodded and saw her relief.

"You're a good friend Barbara." Tommy went to touch her arm but she moved away.

"Exactly. Don't mistake that for something else." She put down her cup and searched in her bag for her keys. "Come on, time to go."

Dorothy was brought back to the ward about ten minutes after they arrived. She was pale and tired but happy to see them. She had a tube draining her stomach from her nose and an air line supplementing her oxygen. Both were taped across her face reminding Tommy of Voldermort. Canulas in her arms provided fluids and a catheter drained them. White bags were wrapped around her legs and randomly inflated and deflated to squeeze her legs and keep blood circulating freely. Tommy had not realised that this was a major operation.

The surgeon came down and examined her. "Everything looks fine. We removed the twist and put in some stitches to prevent it happening again. We didn't have to resect the bowel so all being well she should be out in about five days."

Tommy shook his hand and thanked him. He was relieved that his mother would be fine. Conversation with her was stilted. Dorothy was still groggy and kept repeating herself. She asked repeatedly for Peter and sometimes confused Tommy with his father. Tommy noticed Barbara had been uncomfortable when his mother asked her why she had not brought her grandchildren to visit. The nurses shooed them out after ten minutes and he promised his mother they would return for afternoon visiting. As they walked down the corridor Barbara said, "I'll drop you home Sir so you can get some more sleep."

"What happened to Tommy? You must be tired too."

She shrugged indifferently. "Today's today. I don't think I should make a habit of it. I'm okay, I think I'll head into the office for a while."

"I think it's the only thing you should ever call me." Tommy could sense her withdrawal from him had something to do with last night. He was unsure whether to discuss it. "I know I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't but do we need to talk about what happened last night?"

"No!" Barbara physically recoiled from him. She then visibly composed herself. "Nothing happened last night. We were tired, you were forlorn and I felt sorry for you. I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

Tommy was bemused by her reaction but also concerned that it might affect their friendship. As they continued to walk to the carpark he thought about what might follow if he pressed. It was time to find out what she really thought about their relationship. "What idea would that be?"

"That I...well...wanted something else to happen."

"I didn't have that impression at all. Last night was exactly what I needed from the moment you turned up to support me at the hospital to the moment I fell asleep with you in my arms. You made me feel safe and connected. You made me feel wanted and loved when I was feeling lost and alone. The thought of anything sexual never entered my head."

Barbara blushed. "No, of course not. I didn't want you to think I thought that...or that I thought that either. It's just a word after all."

"Barbara, that makes no sense! What word?"

"Last night, when you were almost asleep you said something you didn't mean."

Tommy remembered exactly and he had meant it. He stopped walking and turned to her. "I said I loved you and you said 'me too'. I meant it then and I mean it now. Do you?"

"That's not fair! You can say it so easily."

"Because it's true. Maybe it's an inadequate word but you understand me like no one else, you are always there for me, I'm happier and calmer when you are around and miserable and lonely when you're not. I respect you more than anyone else, I trust you with my life and my sanity. You're my inspiration and the person who keeps me going. So yes, I would say that I love you."

"That's not fair Tommy. They're all noble things and I feel the same but..."

"But?"

"Last night, lying with you, it was...too easy, I enjoyed it far too much."

Barbara could not look at him and Tommy wished they were not standing in the middle of a hospital carpark. He wanted to embrace her but worried that it would embarrass her further. He reached out and took her hand. "I'd like to sleep with you in my arms every night like that for the rest of my life."

Barbara looked up at him with cloudy eyes. "It won't work though will it? To want to be friends. Last night brought back all sorts of feelings I've tried hard for years to ignore. I can't lie with you and not want...more."

Tommy reacted before he thought about the consequences. He kissed her; softly at first and with great tenderness before she responded with a ferociousness that shocked him. "Barbara!"

She pulled away and ran through the car park towards her car. He caught up to her halfway. She glared at him. "See, now I've said it and ruined it. You work on some highfaluting intellectual plane where everything is soft and fluffy and perfect. Me, when you kiss me like that I want to rip your clothes off and shag you senseless. Not exactly a match made in heaven is it?"

"I think that's exactly what it is Barbara. I've thought of the word that better describes how I feel. You're my soulmate Barbara. We're like two pieces of a multi-sided puzzle. Bits sort of fitted but we've had to find just the right orientation and now it clicks together perfectly."

She frowned and tilted her head. "What are you trying to say?"

"We can't keep pretending we are only good friends Barbara. I want to share my life with you. I want you to be mum to my children. I'm in love with you. I don't understand why that is so hard to believe."

"Because you and I are not supposed to be together."

Tommy grinned broadly then kissed her so passionately the world began to spin. Her arms came around him and she melted into him. Tommy wondered how they would manage to get home. "Oh I think we are," he panted breathlessly, "and I'll prove it when I take you home and, as requested, 'shag you senseless'!"