I was feeling all these dreadful emotions at the same time. The fear, the anxiety, and the constant worry was driving me insane. But most of all I was terrified so much; I couldn't stop myself from shaking. I didn't want Rukia to see me like this, at my most vulnerable state. But not just her, I was hoping no one would fucking see me like this! In this broken heap, this mess!
"What are you doin' here?" I ask without thinking, trying to hide the blood on my hands from the broken glass.
She laughs my question off, but all too quickly her expression turns serious.
"You're hardly at school, Ichigo." She states rather flatly and I groan in irritation.
"Is that all?" On instinct I look around myself and to the surroundings of my house.
Renji's bloodied face keeps attacking my mind, images of him dead, images of Uryu dead in the boot of the car, all of this is going to drive me crazy.
"Not just that," she catches my attention again. "You don't look so good, Ichigo. I think it's better we talk about this inside."
Dread. I'm getting full of it.
The only light that illuminates my bedroom is the yellow lamp in the corner.
Yellow makes me anxious.
"I know that you, Grimmjow and Renji have something to do with the disappearance of Uryu…" Rukia looks into my eyes the whole time she started talking. She sits on my bed and watches me tremble.
What she says next makes me break down.
"He's dead, isn't he?"
I can't take it anymore.
I grab her by the shoulders and push her into the wall. I know that what I'm about to tell her will either destroy me, or make me feel a little bit better that I won't go through this alone.
"They're both dead! Uryu and Renji, okay? They're fucking dead!"
Rukia stares at me wide eyed, her mouth slightly open. When the sudden jolt of realization to what I have just done hit's me, I know there's no going back. Rukia knows that Uryu's dead, yet I have no idea if she knows because she really thought about it or if someone told her. If Renji told her anything, I can't be sure because he's not here for me to ask!
"Fuck!" I yell and let her go; only to start walking around the room and hitting the palm of my hand against my forehead like a psychotic baboon. Rukia's small hands grab at me as she attempts to stop me from hitting myself. I manage to start pulling at my hair as I walk away from her and sit on the corner of my bed.
The voice inside my head laughs and says 'you're done now.'
"You shouldn't have said anything. You shouldn't have…" I keep saying it to myself.
Rukia probably thinks I've gone crazy. I feel like I have.
I feel her hand on my back.
"You better not have said anything to anyone else!" I look at her again.
"I'm not telling anyone. I'll shut up about it."
You better… The voice in my head sneers while I sit quietly beside her.
"Who told you?" I ask, looking into her big eyes. She looks away nervously.
Instead of saying anything more I just wait for her. I don't sit still. I sigh in agitation, not sure what will happen now or how things will pan out now that I confessed to Rukia.
She looks at me before speaking.
"That day at school when you blew me off, Grimmjow caught up with me and asked me what we talked about. But I knew something was up. I told him that someone will confess..."
"Grimmjow thought Renji would fess up..." I say more to myself.
Rukia nods. So it was a misunderstanding. Rukia told Grimmjow that Renji was going to fess up. That's why things got out of hand and Grimmjow killed Renij.
Rukia continues, "Renji told me that you three had something to do with Uryu, but nothing else." I stare at her. She goes on, "I figured he was...dead."
We don't speak much after. Rukia leaves. I don't tell her about Renji.
I decided to stop going to school for good now.
The last time I attempted going, everything was different. My friends hardly spoke to me; they were ignoring me so much that it was as though I had already vanished completely. It was like I was the plague. No one got too close, scared that if they were seen talking to me or standing near me, or even had anything to do with me, they would be a suspect too. I wasn't sure if Rukia said anything to them; I didn't see her at all, which worried me a lot. I don't think Grimmjow would care much. He's like that, cold. And sometimes it's like he's hollow inside, a psychopath with no conscious.
Dad taps on the open door to my bedroom. He smiles sadly, watching me sit on my bed feeling completely like shit. Here's the moment he asks me how I did it, how I killed Uryu, how Renji died. I imagine it playing out in my head, and I imagine him casting me out wanting nothing to do with me.
"You okay, son?" He asks me instead.
I nod my head automatically, like my brain has been programmed to bullshit my way through everything.
He sighs loudly, looking around my room. It's messy and dark. My blinds are pulled down tightly shut in the middle of the day, and my yellow light is turned on. He flicks it off at the switch, walks into my room and yanks my blinds open. His sudden move makes me jump. Daylight floods into my room and I cringe at the sudden glare.
"You haven't had your blinds down in the middle of the day since your mother died."
I sit, frozen. I stare at him because he got me by surprise. Maybe my dad can already tell what's going on. He's a doctor in surgery- not psychology. So how can he know by just looking at me, or into my room? It's because I'm paranoid. I haven't slept properly in weeks and I've already cracked, telling Rukia everything. I guess I've given myself away by the sheer sight of my room, and the behavior I've been presenting.
My phone buzzes on the bed beside me, making me jump again. Dad is still watching me.
When I look at the bright screen, Rukia's name glares back at me.
"I'm fine," I tell dad looking at him in the eyes. If there's something I've learnt in this whole ordeal, its two things. One, I can lie so much that my nose hasn't overgrown my face like Pinocchio. And two, is to never ever prank a person again.
"You're not acting fine. Nothing is fine." He crosses his arms over his chest. He's onto me. He won't let this go easily, not when I'm acting like this.
"Ichigo, you've been interviewed. You've been acting very differently. Your grades have dropped a lot. And two of your friends are now missing. " He walks towards me.
I push my phone behind me as he comes and sits onto the bed beside me.
"Tell me what's going on."
My face hurts with how hard I'm frowning. I straighten myself up and ease the muscles in my face enough to feel slight comfort in my face. If I tell him, I might feel better. I might be relieved and I could figure out what's going to happen to me. But I can't. I thought I was stronger than this, I never thought this would ever happen to me, but it has. I've already told Rukia, and it's one of the biggest mistakes I could have ever done. I regret it and I'm scared. And now I can't tell my father because then I have said too much. I am a coward. I hate myself for it.
"I'm just- I'm so…overwhelmed, dad. I swear to you, I haven't done anything wrong on purpose."
He raises his brow, "purpose?"
I stiffen up. Stare at him with my mouth left open ajar. It feels like my hearts stopped beating. I take a breath. I have to go.
"It was an accident," I whisper, grabbing my phone from the bed, snatching my hoodie from the floor and fleeing out the door.
I hear dad yelling after me, telling me to come back.
I don't listen. I just keep going and going until I'm out of the house and down the street.
We need to talk. Meet me at my house asap.
The message from Rukia is short, but I don't waste any time to go there. Her house is close and I can make it there without anyone I know seeing me. When I turn up to the front, she opens the front door quickly and ushers me in.
"What's up?" I ask, watching her nervously. It feels like I haven't seen her in ages since I told her that night, though it's only been a few days.
She leads me to her lounge room and sits down on a leather couch. I sit beside her, noticing how the house is quiet. No one else it here, it's just us. Good.
"Grimmjow came here."
I feel my eyes widen at that, looking at Rukia incredulously.
"But Grimmjow and you… but you two never really…talk?"
"I know. He told me that you were avoiding him," she flicks her dark hair before continuing.
"But he wasn't happy, Ichigo. I told him I knew nothing of you, with what you were doing. I told him to leave me alone and not come here again. He left, and I think he believed me."
"I hope he believed you," I admit. I can't have Rukia in trouble because of me. Grimmjow is ruthless and his actions are unpredictable. That's why he scares me so much. Why he didn't come to my house instead is a wonder to me because he was never close enough to go to Rukia's. But then again, if Grimmjow did come to my house when I wasn't there and my dad didn't mention it- it would make sense for him to go to Rukia's next in search of me.
I fidget with my fingers continuously, a long silence stretching out between us. When I finally look up again, I see Rukia has been watching me. He eyes are filled with worry, which stresses me out more.
"Grimmjow is suspicious of you," Rukia says softly, looking into my eyes.
The bastard said he would kill me too.
"I know," I tell her. "But Rukia you have to help me." I look at her closely.
"You can't tell anyone. Just act like you don't know anything. Don't tell anyone about Grimmjow."
"But Renji's missing too," she whispers.
I take a breath before telling her. "Grimmjow…. Grimmjow killed him." My voice cracks. I breathe to calm myself before continuing. "Promise me! Promise me, Rukia."
"I promise," she says quickly, her bottom lip quivering. She looks like she's about ready to cry but doesn't. "I want to help you, Ichigo. I don't care about Grimmjow. I won't tell anyone anything."
I shake my head in agreement. "I should go," I tell Rukia as I stand up. I hurry to the front door while she follows quickly behind me.
"Ichigo!" Rukia calls out; I turn my head to look at her, the door handle already in my grip.
"Where are you going?"
"I need to see Grimmjow." I don't hesitate to tell her.
Rukia remains silent but her face tells me she doesn't like the idea. I open the door to let myself out.
She quickly yells out one last time before I scamper out of her view.
"Be careful."
Be careful. I remind myself that with Rukia's words.
I look for Grimmjow but I can't find him. I call him, he doesn't pick up. I text him telling him we need to meet but there's no reply to that either. I don't go over to his house. For all the time I knew Grimmjow, he seemed to not like it when we would go over his place. I decide to go to the warehouse, making sure no one sees or follows. When I'm certain no one has seen me, I look around the lot but don't enter. The warehouse is padlocked and Grimmjow has the key. It's like he has control over this fucked up mess. He wasn't there either.
So I go home before it gets too late. I spend most of the night in my room. It's past midnight. Yuzu and Karin are asleep and I'm sure dad's still awake in the living room watching late night television. I lie on my bed listening to the rain pelting down outside. I get up to look outside my window after what sounds like little rocks hitting my window. I pull the blinds to the side and peep outside. First I see my own reflection. It startles me because my face looks so… different, dark. I look past my own eerie reflection to the face outside my window. He wears a black hoodie, covering his hair and only having his eyes and lips visible to me but I know who it is.
I slide the window open and move aside as I let Grimmjow crawl in through my bedroom window.
:) Reviews are appreciated.