Hey everyone I am back… for the time being anyway. So I am officially a college graduate! I am super psyched about that. I've also been super busy with my day job, my modeling job, and my application for graduate school at USC in California (I got in if you were wondering!). So to say I haven't had a free second would be an understatement. I've hardly had time to sleep since I posted that last chapter. Though I am mortified by how long it took me to finish this. Seriously, I was beyond shocked when I looked at the dates.
Also I had probably the worse case of writers block on this chapter any one has probably ever had. I have written probably half of every chapter of this story but every time I got to this one I came up blank. I was able to force myself past it but I really hope the chapter didn't suffer because of it. Let me know.
Disclaimer: There was a time when I owned the rights to Victorious along with all of the characters, but then I regained consciousness.
Sunday
August 11, 2013
Tick … Tock … Tick …Tock … Tick … Tock
One second, everything was perfect and then the next…
Tick … Tock … Tick … Tock … Tick … Tock
The air is thick, filling with the sounds of screaming, metal grinding, glass shattering. The pain is intense, then everything just stops. Silence...
Tick … Tock … Tick … Tock … Tick … Tock
No more screaming, no more grinding, no more screeching tires. Just… silence...
Tick … Tock … Tick … Tock … Tick … Tock
Pain; that's the last thing I remember before my mind focused on the ticking of a clock that must have been nearby. Opening my eyes the first thing I see is the offending object; black and white perched up at the top of a wall painted a nauseating shade of egg shell white. Looking away from the clock and taking in the empty room I am currently in I realize its the hospital. Though that revelation wasn't at all surprising. I remember the accident, I know what happened. So it would only be logical that I would be in the hospital now... unless I was dead that is.
Slowly a sense of fear fills me as I sit in the room alone. Does anyone know I am here? As I think about the circumstances surrounding my being here, the clock on the wall to my left continues to tick, filling me with a sense of comfort. Usually the incessant noise would be annoying, but it's comforting now. Filling the silence, helping to make me feel... not so alone. I rest my head on the pillow looking back to the clock, watching as the seconds hand ticks by.
Tick … Tock … Tick … Tock … Tick … Tock
I am brought out of my thoughts when the door opens revealing a devilish Cat. She looks up at me as if she's surprised that I am here, yet I cant guess why. Seeing her was like a jolt of electricity, bringing be out of my mind and reminding me of things more important then the continuous ticking of the wall clock. "Is Tori okay? Where is she?" I ask in a rush.
The look of surprise dropped from the redheads face before it was replaced with one of relief. "Oh my god your awake!" She sighed deeply. "I am so sorry you had to wake up all alone Jadey, Nona called and I didn't want to disturb you so I went into the hall." She quickly explained. I was happy that she was there and that I really wasn't alone. Though the rhythmic ticking of the clock kept me company, it was nice to know that someone really did care about be.
"Its alright Cat, I understand. But where's Tori?" I asked, trying my best to stay calm. I just wanted to see her as soon as possible to make sure she was doing alright. I just needed to know that she was okay. Cat walked further into the room stopping at the foot of my bed "So how are you feeling?" She asks. Okay? What the hell is wrong with her, I know she heard me ask her a question. Why is she not answering me?
"I am fine Cat" I reply short, giving her a look that tells her I know exactly what she's doing, and her avoiding my questions hadn't gone unnoticed. I was about to call her out on it but she got a jump on me and started taking first. "Be very careful Jadey, you broke your arm an…" "Owww" I groaned, after an attempt to sit higher up in the bed. "… and five ribs! Please just stop moving kay? What do you need, I'll get it for you." Cat attempted desperately.
I know that she was trying to be helpful but there was only one thing that I wanted right now, and she was doing everything in her power not to give it to me. "I want Tori, can you get me her?" I asked becoming increasingly agitated. I had yet to receive any kind of information on what happened to her and I was starting to get desperate. She was in the car with me so I know that she had to be here somewhere. And if she was okay then why wouldn't Cat just say that?
"Are you thirsty? Or do you want anything to eat? Or maybe some coffee? Oh! I can go down to JetBrew and get you some coffee! I am ganna…" She's giving me a headache, "Cat shut the hell up!" I really didn't mean to yell but I couldn't take it anymore. She was obviously stalling and I wanted to know why. "Cat I know your stalling, tell me where Tori is or so help me god!" I screamed, tears threatening to fall.
The look in my eyes must have told her that I wasn't kidding. She took a deep breath before sitting in a chair by the side of my bed. "Where's Tori?" I ask again, unable to keep the fear and desperation out of my voice. "She's here" Cat responded; "She just got out of surgery, but she's in a coma." She finished in a whisper.
What? I couldn't understand what she ways telling me. I was practically fine and Tori was in a coma? It makes no sense! I was scared for her, confused about the situation, and furious with myself for allowing this to happen to her. "Take me to her, to Tori… I need to see her Cat!" I cried. She looked back at me, conflicted, "Jade, I don't think that's a goo…" Like the switch of a light sadness turned to anger. "No! I don't give a shit what you think Cat, tell me where she is!" The redhead looked down, fresh tears falling down her cheeks. The sight made me feel bad, but not bad enough for me to back down. I stood up as slowly as possible, as to not irritate my ribs. It didn't really matter how slow I went, their was still shooting pain radiating up and down the entire left side of my body.
I hiss sharply gasping in pain as I am finally able to stand up straight. I look down at Cat who was still sitting in the chair next to me. "Take me to her" I said with a tone of resolve and determination. She knew that nothing she could say would keep me from finding Tori so she sighed quietly and nodded in agreement.
As she stood up she walked over to the wall opposite the door, coming back a second later with a wheelchair. "I'll take you to her, but you have to use the chair kay? Your hurt and I don't want you making it any worse. I know your in pain." I simply nodded in agreement, not wanting to admit that the chair was actually a good idea. She came around the bed and held it behind me while I slowly sank down. The pain was enough to make me want to scream but I held it back only letting out a small whimper instead.
"Are you ready?" Cat asked from behind me. "Yea, lets go" I replied. The anger that had seemed to consume me earlier was still their but it paled in comparison to the fear tightening in my chest. As Cat pushed we slowly made our way through a maze of corridors. Reading the plaques with the room numbers seemed to be the only thing that could keep me calm.
I didn't know where we where going so I just kept reading the numbers until there where no more. '358, 359, 360, 361, 362, 363, 364, 365, 366, 367…. 367? "Cat?" I asked looking back at her. She took her eyes from the door, looking down at me before answering my silent question. "This is it." I nodded looking back to the door waiting for Cat to open it. She walked around me and reached out placing her hand on the door handle before hesitating.
"Jade" Cat sighed, "Just…uhh!… just don't expect to much okay? She's really hurt so I want you to be prepared." I nod in understanding. She just wants to make sure that I am prepared for whatever I may see on the other side of the door, and I can't be mad at her for that. She looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to speak my answer. "Okay Cat I understand, now can you open the door?" She still looked a bit hesitant. "Please?" I add softly.
She nods and pushes the door open, before moving behind me to guide the chair in. I immediately look to my right and that's when I see her. My Tori, only this Tori isn't my Tori. This Tori is broken and bruised, barley hanging on. One foot in reality and one somewhere faraway from here.
The top of her head was wrapped tightly in crimson stained bandages, her beautiful face distorted and disfigured from swelling. The tubes in her mouth, breathing for her seemed to be the only thing keeping her grounded. Her right arm and leg resting above the thin blanket were encased in casts. And the tanned skin that used to be so flawless was now stained a sickly purple. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. "Tori? No!" I cried, struggling to get closer.
"Cat!" The scream was defining. The raw feeling in the back of my through the only indication that it had come from me. "What? Ho-how? Cat whats wrong with her?" I wanted to touch her, I needed to touch her but I was scared. I closed my eyes, unable to look at her any longer. The tears falling fast, faster then I can ever remember. What have I done? This is all my fault. Ignoring the pain in my side my head sunk into my lap, hands covering my face as I screamed. Screamed for my pain, for Tori's. Screamed for the guilt and the sorrow that I now carried with me. Screamed for the life we had planned, the one we may never get to live now because of me.
It all happened so fast, my breathing was rapid though I could hardly catch my breath. It felt like I was on a roller coaster, and everything around me was whisking and weaving by. Then the crippling pain was gone replaced with a dulling numbness. This must be what it feels like to die on the inside.
…Flashback…
I was just about to leave and head to Tori's house when I was stopping in the hall by my mother. She looked as if she'd been crying, but I could really care less about her and her problems right now. The one person I did care about however was currently waiting for me. "What do you want Jocelyn? I've got a date." The words were harsh on my tongue, but she didn't deserve any less.
Paying me no mind she continued, "Jade it's your grandmother, she had a heart attack and passed away this evening." What is wrong with this women? I just spoke to my grandma, she was asking me about Tori and all of the things I had planned for out big date tonight. I looked at her in disgust, "Why would you say something like that? I just spoke to her this morning and she was fine. Why do you always have to be such a fuckin…" "Jadelyn!" she yelled.
"I don't need any of you attitude right now, I just though you would like to know about your grandmother…. I know how close the two of you were." She finished softly. I didn't need to sit around and listen to this. I brushed past her and headed back to my room, slamming the door as I entered. I couldn't help the pounding of my heart in my chest. I know my mother was a bitch but would she really? No… but it just doesn't make any sense. I needed to know for myself so I took out my phone calling one of the two numbers that made me smile.
I listened to the dial tone over and over before the answering machine picked up. "What?" I whispered. She said she would be home today, so why isn't she answering? I called again, and again, and again, and again.
The next couple of hours are a blur and the next thing I know the sun has set and there's a light knocking on my door. I ignore it instead opting to pull the blanket up tighter to my neck, taking a generous drink of my emergency bottle of Jack I kept hidden in the back of my closet. I hear the door open and someone come in before it closes softly
I continue looking out at the sky from my seat in the reading nook. Listening as the unknown intruder comes closer sitting at the other end by my feet. I finally look over as I feel the other end of the blanket lift, watching as Tori slips under and covers herself. "I waited, but you never showed up for our date. I even called but you weren't answering your phone." She spoke quietly. Taking in her appearance I suddenly felt even worse. I can see the top of what looked to be a really beautiful green dress, one I'd never seen before.
Her hair was wavy and wild, though I can tell that at some point they were neat curls that had become a victim of her running her fingers through them constantly. Her makeup was still perfect, light and simple accentuating her natural beauty, with a pop of color in the way of blood red lipstick.
God she looked so beautiful, and I didn't even have the decency to call her and cancel. "I am so sorry Tori" I spoke, voice rough from misuse and the hours of uncontrollable crying. She just looked into her lap, shaking her head. "It's alright" She started. "I have to admit I was a little upset at first, but then I realized that you would never do something like that to me without a really good reason." How could she be so understanding? I mean I stood her up, and here she is being as caring and understanding as ever. Sure I had a good reason, but she didn't know that. "Still Tori, I am sorry. I should have at least called you, or something." I finished. "Really Jade it's okay, just please tell me why you're crying." She asked.
My eyes were raw but the tears still flowed. "She's gone" I whispered. Tori looked on, equal parts confused and concerned. "Who's gone baby?" She pushed, leaning forward taking my face in her hands. Attempting and failing at cleaning my face of the smeared makeup and tears that stained my cheeks. "My grandma, she's gone. She died Tori" I hadn't said the words out loud since I'd heard, and doing so now only made it that much more real. "Oh no" She gasped
I sobbed loudly, releasing the bottle as Tori took it, recapping it and sitting it on the floor beside her. She came back to me and held me tight to her chest. She knew of the relationship I'd had with my grandmother, so she know how badly this had broken me. She stayed silent, rocking me back and forth and running her fingers through my hair in an attempt to calm me. In the way you would a young child who's skinned their knee, kissing it to make it better. Only a kiss wouldn't make this pain better.
Growing up in this house had been hard. My parents never cared, and were never there for me. If it hadn't been for my grandmother, I am sure my life would have turned out so much worse. She was always there for me whether I wanted he to be or not. No matter what I had going on she always showed up, cheering me on like her life depended on it. She was actually the first person I'd come out to, and when I told her she just smiled and told me how proud of me she was. How proud of the well rounded and mature young women I had become.
Then, when my parents had reacted badly to the news she was the one to swoop in and save me from their hateful words. She'd talked some sense into them, and though I am sure they still didn't agree with my lifestyle they let it go. They no longer harasses me about it and things essentially went back to normal. Then when I'd started realizing my feelings for Tori it was her who pushed me to pursue them.
Even though I was scared Tori would just laugh in my face, my grandma told me to be my true self around her, then when I was comfortable enough, to tell her how I felt. And if she turned me down then she was the one who didn't deserve me. She had been the only good thing in my life for so long, that I had never though of a day where she would no longer be here.
"What am I ganna do?" I spoke more to myself. Tori's hold on me loosened, just enough to look down at me. "What do you mean?" She asked. "What am I supposed to do now Tori? She's gone. The one person who ever loved me is gone, and now I have no one." I cried. She took my face, looking deeply into my eyes before speaking. "That's not true." Looking up at her I replied "How can you say that? You've s…" "That's not true Jade, because I love you." She interrupted. "And no matter what, I will always love you. But you have to see that it's not only me. It's Andre, its Cat, its Beck, its Robbie, its Sikowitz, and even my parents. I need you to understand that Jade because there are so many people out there that care about you."
"I know you may not see it, but you are loved…."
JadeLyn