I know now that nothing will ever be the same again. I have tarnished everything in my path and now here I am, finally paying for all the shit I've committed. I was so close to death. SO CLOSE, that I could taste the blood in my throat, hear my fucked up breath just faintly in my own two ears, only to be woken up and see familiar lazy grey eyes, dirty blonde hair and a soft smile on the face of non-other than detective Urahara Kiskue. He's been watching me the whole time since I first came to.
The first thing I want to know is how am I even alive? What happened to Grimmjow? But I don't ask the questions regarding my health or current situation, instead asking something that nobody will know.
"Where's Grimmjow?" I mutter stupidly, feeling thrashed. My muscles ache from soreness and I feel nothing but sick and weak.
I swear I was done for. But then I remember calling Rukia. Did Rukia come when I called her asking for help? Did she call the ambulance to take me to the hospital? Shit. Just thinking about what she may have thought or done after seeing my dad's car and me unconscious in it would be traumatising enough. I take a good look around me. Looks like I'm in the post operation ward. The room is neat with flowers in a vase off to the corner. I'm guessing they took me right into the operating room once they found me. It would make sense since I remember having glass lodged into me. I relise I've been looking at those fresh flowers like there's nowhere else to look. I don't even know who brought them in, but right now my frown could make those fresh flowers welt to death. My eyes slide to Urahara.
He remains quiet, not answering my question. I think he knows that I have no choice left but to confess everything now. And he's smiling at me for it. Immediately, Uryu's corpse being buried is a reminder in my mind. Like a film, Renji's dying before my eyes, the look of pure rage on Grimmjow's light blue eyes and the anti-climax, where I flip my dad's car and almost kill myself in an attempt to get away. What a good screenplay. If I had an option to live it, or watch it on the big screen, I'd choose the latter.
Now that I'm 'brought back to life,' I look to my side to see a heart monitor, beeping to signify my pathetic life and that yes, I'm still unfortunately alive. My pulse remains at a steady pace, though looking at the detective; I know it'll probably not stay that way for long. When I look down to my arm, there's a drip connected to me which feels cold while the liquid runs through me.
"It's nice to have you finally join us," Urahara says brightly. I immediately notice the dark skinned woman with dark hair and cat like eyes beside him. Unlike her partner, she doesn't smile but only watches me and I don't like it. It's like she can read me without even speaking with me.
"How are you feeling?" He asks, trying to get me talking.
"Like death," I mutter and smirk at his change of expression.
"Like two of your friends?" Urahara says, waiting for me to answer. So he finally knows. Or maybe he knew this whole time? This is just his way to finalise it, to finally arrest me. The moment of truth has arrived. I no longer have to lie, but since Urahara knows that they're both dead, I mine as well not even speak with him. My mood has turned sour and I don't bother with being polite.
I roll my eyes, "I don't want to talk with you."
The woman beside Urahara grows impatient, her arms crossed across her chest, she practically barks at me. "Where are the bodies, Kurosaki?"
Urahara laughs and scratches his head like it's going to lighten the mood. I glare at the woman before giving Urahara the same treatment.
"Ah, looks like I forgot to introduce you two. Ichigo, I'd like you to meet homicide detective Yoruichi Shihoin. And of course, she already knows who you are."
"Yeah, no shit," I continue with the harsh glare.
I really don't give a fuck anymore. And I'm not in the best state of mind to be dealing with this shit.
I look back down at the thin clear tube connected to my arm. Dark red blood starts to push its way up – and I can't help but start to panic at the sight because it only makes me remember how much blood was coming out of me when I had flipped my dad's car.
"I'm going to have to ask you some questions, Kurosaki." She starts, oblivious to my unrest, or purposely ignoring it. I lean over, repeatedly pressing the button to call the nurse. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, by the way my throat is tightening and my head hurts and I'm trembling uncontrollably. I'm sick of Urahara bothering me, sick of this woman already and over hearing the thoughts in my mind, chewing my brain away! Urahara silently watches me during my internal struggle the whole time.
I need something to numb me, something to take away the pain and miserable thoughts of my life and situation. Why did it have to pan out like this? Why did it all happen to me?
The nurse walks in quickly, her dark hair tied back and a smile on her face. She sees the drip tube connected to my arm and proceeds to change it. I wince at the feeling. It makes me feel queasy but I try to ignore it. The nurse turns to the two detectives after she's done.
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave," she says kindly.
The woman detective is first to leave after giving me a brief, unsatisfied look at me. Before exiting, Urahara waves at me while I struggle to even breathe properly. But the look on his face tells me everything I need to know. It tells me that my little game is up, that I can no longer continue this fucked up situation I've so miserably planted myself into.
The next day is quiet during the morning. Sleeping does me good since it stops me from thinking about what's going to happen to me once I'm out. Urahara doesn't come in for a while. I think it's mostly because the nurses and doctors say I've got to stay hospitalized until my wound is healed enough for me to be able to function decently. And although it's a relief that I don't have to face him for a while, the thought of the time coming still lingers and doesn't leave my head. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and before I fall asleep.
Dad came by. He works in the hospital so it was as simple as walking down my ward to just see me. He wasn't happy about the car obviously, and I knew he wanted to lecture me about being an idiot. Though he didn't really yell, the expression on his face told me he was upset with what I'd put myself through. He was confused too, demanding to know why I took off with his car without his consent in the first place. I can't wait for him to know just exactly the type of mess I've been in for a while. There's so much I have to answer to. So many people I have lied to. It just doesn't feel right –no, it's never felt right in the first place. I just can't believe I let it go on for so long. And for what? I'm going to arrested anyway. People are going to find out the truth whether I like it or not.
The food is disgusting and the soreness in my body has seemed to double. The nurse tells me it'll go away soon though. It's not until afternoon that I get a soft knock at the door. I'm alone in the hospital bed. For a moment I think it's the detectives back to pester me. I'm relieved to see its Rukia.
"Hey,"
"Hey," I say watching her place a bouquet of flowers inside an empty vase. She looks at me quietly for a moment before coming around to my side. She cups her hand over my face and we just look at each other silently. Then she pulls away and sits on the chair beside the bed, sighing.
"Sorry," I say quickly, not sure what to say. If I'm going to start apologising I should start now, especially to Rukia since I got her involved. I know there's probably a lot she wants to tell me –to ask.
"I thought you were dead," She says watching me carefully.
"Here I am."
"Yeah."
"Where's Grimmjow?" I ask, hoping she'll know.
Instead Rukia shrugs. "I have no idea. When I arrived he wasn't there, Ichigo."
I shake my head. Shit. Is he okay? What the hell, that sounds so contradictory to me when I think about my attempted murder by stabbing him. Of course he wouldn't be okay, I fucked him up. But I can't help but wonder where he is even after what has happened. And I can't help another thought from creeping into my mind.
Is he…dead?
Rukia must see the worry in my face because she is quick to pull me out of my thoughts with her voice. "I'm just glad you're doing okay."
"Okay?" I want to laugh. I'm feeling anything but okay. I want to laugh and cry and scream. I feel like I'm still dying. The pain killers help but when they start to wear down I feel sick like I'm about to throw up. And though I know it will pass, that my body will heal, I don't think my mind ever will.
I draw up the loose cotton shirt I'm wearing to look at the wound. I'm all clean and bandaged up. I haven't seen the actual wound yet though. I can imagine the scar that will come out of this. Now there's a story behind that scar, one that I'm not so sure I want to share. I've had enough.
I pull the shirt down.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," I tell her. But I don't mean the bandaged up me. I mean the me that had glass stuck in my body, bleeding all over, dying.
"Don't worry about it," She tells me before asking, "What will you do now?"
It's a question I've been asking myself the whole time. And I've thought about it too, I really have. Even though I didn't want to and spent most time sleeping just so I wouldn't have to think about it.
I take a good breath in before speaking. "I've been thinking about it. Urahara knows that they're both dead. He just to wants me to confess and know where the bodies are." I have to stop to gather my thoughts. I can feel the frown I'm displaying. I'll be liable for manslaughter. I'm a witness to Grimmjow murdering Renji and attempted murder by stabbing Grimmjow myself.
"I will confess. I know they're going to arrest me even if I don't confess. I mine as well tell the truth this one last time. Urahara's already got all the information and evidence he needs. All he wants now is to hear it in my words."
Rukia nods. She understands my decision but there's worry in her face, not just for my sake –but for her own. It was my decision to get Rukia involved. I just wish she never asked about what happened in the first place. So it's my decision to keep her out of it from now on. I don't want her getting into trouble because she wanted to help me.
"Don't worry," I assure her, "I won't tell them you knew. If they ask why you knew about the crash I'll just tell them I called you to help me." But that is truth, even though some of it is a lie.
Rukia nods again and thanks me. She sits with me for a bit, probably to keep me company. But sooner or later she leaves, telling me to take it easy and she respects my decision.
"They want to see him again." My eyes are closed while I roused from my uncomfortable slumber.
I open my eyes to find it morning again. After Rukia left the day before I spent the rest of the day thinking about how I'll confess. Now the pain in my body seems to fade slightly. I'm feeling okay now. The room is empty but I see two figures just outside the door.
"Who? The detectives? I'm familiar with the deeper voice that speaks with the female nurse. I hear my dad sigh as the nurse speaks, "They called wanting to interview…"
"Look, he's getting discharged today. I don't think they should come in."
There is silence between them. I decide to close my eyes, still tired, wishing I could shut everything out. It's been a week. My time is already up. I hear the door open slowly and both of them walk into the room. I feel something touch my arm. When I open my eyes, I see the nurse removing the IV drip from my arm. She smiles at me, "Good morning, Ichigo. How are we today?"
"Yeah, good," I put on a smile –which is gone quick to be replaced by a resting face.
"You're going home today." Dad tells me, checking the chart with my information on it above the bed. I look up at him not sure how he's feeling. He didn't sound very happy when I heard him speaking with the nurse earlier. Is he annoyed that Urahara wants to come in again? A bad feeling in my stomach tells me he's not coming for an interview. He's coming in to take me away for good.
"Okay," I mumble back trying not to think about Urahara but the thought doesn't leave me. I feel so conflicted with myself. I still don't know what the hell even happened to Grimmjow. I don't know if I'll make it home in time before Urahara comes by, but I feel like my choice to tell Urahara is final.
I'll tell that homicide detective where the bodies are too. At least that way the corpses of my friends will be handled better. The thought makes my insides hurt. But no matter how anxious the thought of speaking with these detectives again makes me, it's time to tell them the truth rather than lies. It's best to end this once and for all.
"Do you think I'm innocent?" I ask voice low once the nurse had left the room and dad was still here with me. He looks at me seriously for a moment before he nods his head. "Yes."
"But that day…" I stop to calm myself down, thinking about that day when I got the message from Rukia and I told my dad that I didn't mean to do anything wrong on purpose. I make myself continue even though I just want to shut up about it.
"I ran off on you like that. I'm sorry."
"It's nothing, son." He sighs, rubbing the back of his head. "Those detectives want to come in again. I don't think you're ready to see them. For a matter of fact, they're really getting on my nerves."
"Dad," I stop him from talking. I swallow the lump in my throat. "I want to see them."
He stares at me. I don't say anything more but I can't stop my eyes from screaming the truth. It's my fault. Everything is my fault. I can't do this anymore.
The knock on the door startles us both. Dad turns to face whoever has just come in and my eyes follow suit. The female nurse walks in quietly with a nervous look on her face while Urahara and the female homicide detective Yuroichi follows behind her.
They look at us. We look at them.
Then Urahara gives us a short small smile. His demeanor goes to serious almost immediately as he introduces himself to my father. "Dr. Kurosaki, it's nice to see you again. I'm sure you're familiar with Ichigo's situation better now?" he extends his arm out to shake hands but my dad appears reluctant. He shakes hands anyway, looking at me briefly before eyes going back to Urahara.
It's silent for a few seconds but not long before Urahara tells us just exactly why he is here.
"Your son has been a part of an ongoing investigation for a few months now. Ichigo has had many instances where his suspicions have risen much higher than the other suspects."
My eyes go from my dad to Urahara. My dad's face changes and he shakes his head at the next few words. My mouth has stopped working. Instead I open and close it like a fish out of water, as if I'm going to say something even though my mind has ceased to think properly and I listen carefully to every word that leaves Urahara's mouth.
"Your son along with another student, eh- Grimmjow Jaegerjaques, has their DNA over a crime scene."
My mouth falls open. Wait…don't tell me.
They found the warehouse?
Urahara looks at me this time when he speaks. "Ichigo, I know you may not want to but I advise you come with me to an interrogation."
"Do I have a choice?" I ask numbly.
Urahara lets out a breath and shakes his head no. "If you say no, we will arrest you regardless. So mine as well agree to something before you get all hot headed on me."
Hot headed… Grimmjow?
"Did you speak with Grimmjow?" I ask quickly.
Urahara watches me while I'm eager to know where he is or what happened to him.
"Grimmjow was here, admitted to a room close to yours, actually."
I feel cold by the thought of him being so close, yet I didn't even know.
"You really did a number on him."
I feel myself frowning. So he saw Grimmjow too. He must have already arrested him and had him taken away. And now Urahara was here, about to arrest me.
"You should get yourself ready," he tells me.
"He did nothing wrong. Ichigo should be going home rather than be arrested!"
I'm caught off guard by my dad's voice.
"Dr. Kurosaki, please…" the nurse tries to calm him but my dad is angry –it's plain to see. He glares at Urahara Kiskue who just stands there silently for a moment. But dad knows nothing. I'm not a good person. I did do something wrong –very wrong. I attempted to kill my best friend. I watched him kill Renji. And I agreed to keep quiet about everything when we killed Uryu by accident. I don't feel like a human being that deserves to get away with this. I've become a monster, with something dark inside my soul. And I'm scared. Very scared about what will happen. But I'll tell everything because I have nothing left to lose. If my father doesn't believe it – he really is clueless.
"I'm sorry. But there is evidence that your son is involved in a murder."
My dad looks at me incredulously. His mouth falls open but he doesn't say anything. I stare back at him until his face changes. Then I see something that I've dreaded ever since we first killed Uryu: Disappointment, confusion, sadness. I can't look at my dad anymore. Looking at the nurse is just as bad. Before she was smiling at me tending to my needs, now she was looking at me like I am dangerous enough to kill her in this very room any minute. I turn my head to look at the detectives instead because they already know what I have done. The looks on their faces doesn't hurt me so much.
I was given time to gather my things, get dressed into proper clothing, and have my name discharged from the hospital. Then instead of going to the comfort of my own home, I was getting arrested and taken to an awaiting interrogation room with a mixture of wild emotions that ravaged through me. The fear in me remained, even though it wasn't strongly present in my actions. But the nerves and anxiousness to what was to come of me threatened to spill tears and make me break down. I was feeling so much and at the same time I felt like I didn't want to feel anymore, to care anymore. I had enough of the guilt I carried with me for so long, with all the lying. Now all I wanted to do was push it all away, forget about it like it was some type of nightmare. I feel different. Not the same as who I thought I was. What's wrong with me? Why do I suddenly feel so much…indifference?
This is not something I can wake up from. This is a nightmare I am living. The truth is things can't go back to normal. It won't. The students, teachers and detectives all know better. I wish I had died in that crash, but even though my mind says that, I can still feel in my chest that it's not true. I wanted to survive. Grimmjow could have killed me, but here I am. And it's not as good as I thought it would be. Karma has laughed right in my face when it gave me a taste of death, to make me feel the pain that Uryu and Renji may have felt. But it didn't let me slip into it, because that would have only be too easy –an escape where I would no longer feel a thing. Except I wouldn't get out of this like that.
I'm alive now because I have to suffer. That's it. I am a monster. I have to feel more pain, right? That's the only reason I survived.
A/N: Next chapter will be the interrogation. Thank you for reading and reviewing!