It had been five months since I disappears and four since I died. Julia had come back to the house the month before and mom was trying very hard to keep everything together for her sake. She decorated for Christmas just like every other year, every Friday they would put a Christmas movie in the VHS player, and she still went Christmas shopping. The difference? They couldn't watch my favorite Christmas movie; Rudolph, I wasn't there to help make our snowman and tree shaped cookies, and while shopping there was one less person whose gifts she would get. Every morning she would wake-up, take a deep breath, and say a silent prayer in hopes that she would get through one more day just for Julia.

They were keeping a lot of information from Julia at this time in part because she was too young and it's too hard to explain to someone her age and also because if they said it out loud it was harder than keeping it in. That's the thing about parents they would rather feel like they are about to explode than make you carry that burden. Of course she heard things at school that the other kids would whisper but she carried on every day, did well in school, and well we'll get to all the later on.

Once it came out that I had been raped they began to dig a little deeper wondering if I was the only girl or if there was a connection. What they found out answered a lot of my questions. I was not the only girl, five other girls were raped that night, and they were able to expose and catch the guys responsible. On every major newspaper "University of California Rape Scandal" plastered in bold print on the front page. It turns out there was a group, around twenty guys, that had this planned. They wrote up all the different characteristics of the girls they liked and that was how they picked. I was screwed from the beginning. I had the right color hair, eyes, and dress. Kate got very lucky that night that it didn't happen to her which I'm grateful for.

They would soon find out that I being raped was just an odd, unfortunate chain of events. Another list of suspects crossed off the list and they were back to Ethan and a dead end. But interviewing him was coming up with nothing and no new information had come along. My lab results had not come in yet so there was going to something new soon that would shake things up but until then they were sitting around re-reading everything and re-tracing their steps.

Right before the fifth month of my death my grandmother came by to see my mom to check on her.

"How are you doing sweetie?" My grandmother asked while observing that my mother's hands shook while pouring a cup of tea for her.

"I'm trying as hard as I can mother. I don't want Julia to see how upset I am and this completely ruining her childhood."

"I know darling. But you have to take some time for you maybe you should talk to a professional."

"I don't have the time for that. I have to keep everything together in the house, make sure Julia is doing well in school, and help the detectives as much as I can."

"You are going to have a nervous breakdown Carla."

And she did, right there in the kitchen over her cup of tea. Luckily my grandmother was there and helped her pull the pieces back together again. My mom promised to consider seeing someone to talk to, maybe get some nerve and anxiety medication. At the end of the night while Jeff took care of Julia she took a hot bath and broke again. Sometimes tears make things a little better.

Jeff was holding everything in. Things he didn't even share with my mom. Things he wouldn't dare to share with my mother. You see I knew things about Jeff that he couldn't help but worry about coming out. His every thought at this point in time was to make sure that his tracks were covered. And they were for the time being but eventually the truth always comes out.

December seventeenth, nineteen-ninety eight my family and friends woke up to snow. Kate and Christian couldn't help but think it was odd how it snowed on the fifth month exactly considering how much I hated snow. I didn't really have anything to do with it because I hadn't quite figured out how to do things like that yet but I was getting close to accidently finding out. Eight inches of snow by six a.m. and a foot by noon. Julia and Jeff went out to play in the snow while my mother sat curled up on the couch with a cup of coffee. She watched through the large window in our front room while they made a snowman and couldn't help but think back to the year before. Julia begged me to go out with her and play I finally gave in. I regretted it as soon as I stepped out into the white hell. I fell on concrete after slipping on a nearly invisible piece of ice. I obviously had wonderful luck.

School was closed and by the time the snow cleared it was Christmas break. Mom never let on that she was upset in front of Julia and on Christmas she woke up to more gifts than she'd ever had before. This was because my mom had gone crazy while shopping taking her sadness out on her wallet. Julia was so happy that for that day and the next few she completely forgot what happen to me. My grandmother came over for the day to be with mom and Julia and by the end of the night my mom was beyond tired.

That was the first night I was able to be in her dreams. I didn't know exactly how I did it. All day I was so jealous and sad that I couldn't be with her and the family and then all of a sudden there we were. Sitting at a little table by a carousel we use to go to when I was little. There were kids on the little animals, spinning around in circles while my mother sat at just stared at me.

"I haven't seen you. In five months not in a single dream." The tears began to form in her eyes.

"Don't cry mom. We don't have very long."

She nodded, "Your right. I'm just so happy to see you, it's been so long. It feels like forever."

"You have to focus mom. Listen to me, things are about to come out; about me, our family, and decisions that I've made."

"What do you mean sweetie?" She placed her hand on mine like she always did when she was worried.

"There is going to be new information when my results come back from the lab. You can't listen to all the detectives' theories. You can't. You're going to figure this out mom even if I have to try as hard as I can to help you."

"What theories do you mean?"

"All this oh "you killed her because this and that" don't listen to it. You need to see through all of that. I promise when you do you'll start piecing everything together."

Things began to get blurry, fading away, and then we were somewhere else. Another memory but this time one of mom's favorites. We were seated on a cliff looking over the beach, a cloudy day, and the waves a dark blue. To the right of us is a young couple and a little girl with long blonde curls. That little girl was me. I remember sitting there staring at myself thinking how crazy it is that I use to think the whole world was open for me but instead I found a locked door and windows nailed shut. This was one of the few times that my dad was actually around. I was probably three maybe four. They had decided to try again to see if it could work it out. It didn't just like all the other times.

"Are you, in-"

"Heaven?" I interrupted her.

"Yes." Her eyes had the tears building back up.

"Yeah mom, I am. But that's not why I'm here. And I don't really know how I got here or how to get back so you have to listen to me."

"I am sweetie I promis-"Her voice cut short and then things were getting blurry again. This time something thing was waking her up.

I found myself back in that damned place. My mom woke up with an odd feeling of relief. While I on the other hand cried for the first time since I'd passed. I had now been ripped from my mother for the second time and the wall I had worked hard to build finally broke. I sat and poured my heart out to Casey, telling her everything about everyone in my life. And in a way it did help. Casey in turn sat and listened to every word and sob.

Christmas turned into New Years and that turned into Valentine's Day. It was a few days before when some new breaking information would come. The detectives had been asking Kate if she knew anything else. She'd told them everything she knew or so she thought. While in school one day something new hit her and she asked to go to the detectives.

"Katie what's so important?"

"I remembered something. Something Ana had told me months before all this happen. I hadn't really thought about it but today it hit me. And I thought well if that's what happen it would make so much since."

"What Katie?"

"Months before Ana disappeared she told me she'd found out that Jeff was having an affair."

The detective's eyes grew four times bigger, "How did she know this?"

"She told me that a few days before she'd come home, she'd been feeling sick, and the nurse told her to go home a rest. Well when she got home she said there was a black SUV in the drive way and Jeff's car. She knew her mom had to drive up to her grandmothers because she was sick and was confused who was at the house. But she wanted to lay down so she went on inside. When she got in she said there were two jackets hanging on the coat rack and some shoes. She left her book bag at the door and went to go upstairs, when she got to the top of the stairs she said she could hear, um moaning."

"So he's was, possibly is, having an affair?"

"Yes." Kate began to tense up, her jaw locking, she was worried about my mom. I was too.

"Did she ever find out the woman's name?"

"Elena Lincoln. She lives in Seattle Ana told me she was thinking about going and finding her. Confronting her."

And so began the hunt for Elena Lincoln which led to the same loft I'd come to in March to confront her about being a home wrecker.

"Mrs. Lincoln we're investigating the murder of Ana Steele." The detectives said after knocking on the front door and her inviting them in.

"How does that have to do with me?"

"We know about your affair with Mr. Steele. And so did Ana. We heard she was planning on coming to your house to confront you and well now she's dead. Doesn't look to good."

Elena goes into her kitchen and fixes a tall glass of wine, her usual, "Obviously I was having an affair, yes Ana knew, and she did come to my house. Sometime in March maybe earlier April. Nearly knocked down my door and when I opened it? Wouldn't even let me talk, kept talking about how much of a whore I am and a home wrecker. I tried to talk to her, explain, something but she wasn't having it. After she'd gotten everything off her chest she turned around and left. I broke things off with Jeff after that."

"So her coming changed your mind?"

"In a way. When Jeff and I began seeing each other I had no idea that he was married, he never had a ring, never spoke of a wife or kids until months later. I'm in a very unhappy marriage and I thought nothing of another man and neither did my husband with his multitude of other women. A whore I may be but I wouldn't have killed that girl. I called Jeff so upset after she left and broke it off wanted nothing to do with him again."

"How did Jeff take that?"

"He was mad, pissed, complained for a while, and said that his step-daughter shouldn't matter. But I knew of the little girl too, because of Ana, and having another man to sit and lie to me wasn't in the books. Haven't talked to him since."

"Did you see Ana on the news? Missing girl then a dead girl. Has gotten a lot of coverage here lately."

She took a gulp of wine before she could speak, "Yes, and I wanted to call but I didn't think our affair had a difference. I didn't want to put even more strain on that poor woman. Now I'm not so sure."

"Thank you Mrs. Lincoln."

They left her apartment and started back to my little town. In the police station was a manila envelope stuffed full. My autopsy results sitting in the middle of the detectives makeshift desk. Right before my dead eyes what remained of my life was becoming a giant soap opera that I couldn't change the channel. I was forced to watch every curve ball that my unknowingly dramatic life had to throw at the detectives.