Author´s Notes: Hi, sorry I took a long time to write, again! This chapter is inspired on the song Say Something by A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera
CHAPTER 18
Sam is running toward the black building he had been thrown off earlier by the Winter Soldier. He is holding what is left of his wings in his hands. He is all wet from the rain that is still pouring down on this cold night in Saint Petersburg. When he turns the corner to where the fire escape stairs is, he meets Natasha. She just finished climbing down the stairs. He immediately looks up to see if Steve is coming down too, but she is alone. Sam asks in a worried tone: "Natasha! What´s happened? Where is Steve?"
Natasha has a blank expression on her face, her eyes are void of emotions and without looking to Sam, she replies coldly: "Steve left a few minutes ago, after I shot the Winter Soldier." She tenses her jaws for a moment and then meets Sam´s eyes, noticing the quizzical look on his face she elaborates her answer: "He was crushing Steve´s throat with his metal hand, he was going to kill Steve, so I shot the Winter Soldier…and when I shoot, I shoot to kill…so…he´s dead. Bucky is dead." She bits her lower lips nervously and looks away when she feels tears starting to form on her eyes. Natasha holds back her tears and then abruptly starts walking, brushing her shoulder on Sam as she quickly passes by him.
Sam didn´t know Natasha that well but he can tell that she is hiding behind a mask. This mission had gone terribly wrong and Natasha´s actions had cost her greatly. Sam knows that now because he was able to read the spy, a task almost impossible to do. He turns around and follows Natasha in silence.
When they get to their car, Steve is already inside on the driver´s seat.
Natasha opens the back door and seats in silence on the back as Sam gets in the passenger's seat and turns the heat on because he is wet and cold. He looks at Steve and sees that his cut on his eyebrow has already stopped bleeding and it makes him wonder if his Super Soldier abilities makes him more resistant to the cold too or if he just don´t care about it right now because he looks beaten to Sam.
Steve´s blonde hair is damp and clinging to his forehead and his blue eyes are lost. His body is cold but his senses are numb, so he didn´t even remember to turn on the heat of the car. He just keeps staring out the windshield, gazing at the rain drops that are falling against it.
Sam notices that his friends is far away and asks in concern: "Are you okay, man?"
After a brief silence Steve comes back to reality. He keeps staring forward as he replies harshly: "Let´s just get the hell out of this place." He starts the car and makes his way to the airport.
Sam glances at Natasha on the back and notices that she has that same weird blank expression that she had before, he knows she is holding something back, so he thinks: "Damn! Natasha is failing to hide her emotions and Steve is cursing, this is really bad…" but he decides to remain in silence until he can speak to Steve alone and try to find out from his friend what is going on.
Once on the airport, they go to the bathroom to get changed into their ordinary and dry clothes so that they can make their way to their private jet.
Sam tries to talk to Steve while they are finishing changing in the bathroom: "So, you´re obviously mad at Natasha for shooting The Winter Soldier, but you have to see her side, man. He almost killed you twice tonight! I don´t think there was anything else you could do to save him."
Steve has his back to Sam and is putting his jacket on, he freezes his movement for a moment at his friends remark and then he doesn´t even turn around as he reply coldly: "I don´t want to talk about it Sam. I just want to go home." He finishes fixing his jacket and leaves the bathroom in an angry stride that makes Sam decides that is better not to push him on the matter. So Sam just shakes his head in defeat and goes out after Steve.
Inside the jet, Steve tries to keep the distance from Natasha. So, since she sat on the back of the jet, he goes for the front seat.
Sam stays in the middle seat, trying to decide if he should say something, because the events from tonight´s mission had obviously set them apart, but after Steve´s replies in the bathroom he decides to let it go for now. So when the plane takes off, Sam closes his eyes to take a nap.
After some time flying, Steve tries to do same and closes his eyes, but when he does that, flashes of tonight´s encounter with Bucky insists on occupy his mind. He opens his eyes and rubs his fingers on his temple, letting out a breath of frustration. Steve starts taping his fingers against his armrest and thinks: "This is going to be a long flight". He starts to wonder why the world seems to be against him. When everything starts to finally get better on his life, it all comes crashing down: Bucky, Peggy, S.H.I.E.L.D and now Natasha. Disappointment is everywhere and there is nothing he can do about it. He thinks that maybe he should have stayed in the ice and saved himself from all the suffering that he had been through since he got out.
Natasha doesn´t even try to get some sleep because she knows her nightmares will definitely haunt her, so she is staring out the small widow, at the dark cloudy sky, but her mind is also far away in thoughts. She is thinking that the silence treatment that Steve is giving her is the worse torture ever. She can handle physical and mind tortures very well, but when it comes to her heart, that´s her weak spot. That is why she never let anyone in, because she knows it would make her weak and she can´t have weaknesses, not in her line of work. She is trying to figure out what she could say or do to make things right again between them, but nothing comes to her mind. As hard as it is for her to accept, she thinks that maybe this is the end of everything: their relationship, their friendship and their partnership. Natasha doesn´t regret shooting Bucky because she saved Steve´s life, her only regret right now is that she wasn´t able to keep her feelings for Steve to herself. She knew that beginning something more with Steve was a mistake because now what she feared has happened, she lost everything.
When they finally land on New York, as soon as the jet comes to a stop, Steve impatiently gets up. Natasha watches as Steve passes by her again without a single glance and walks out of the jet, but this time she can´t take it and quickly gets off the jet too and runs after him shouting: "Steve, wait!"
Steve just keeps walking toward the car that is waiting for them right ahead, ignoring Natasha´s plead, but when he feels her small hand grabs his arm he stops and turns around abruptly. He looks at Natasha with an angry expression on his face and let his rage out on his voice as he speaks out: "I´ve been looking for Bucky all this time and when I find him, your first instinct is to kill him! It´s not your call to make!"
Natasha is taken aback a little but she thinks that is better that Steve is yelling at her then saying nothing at all. Trying to recompose herself from Steve´s outbreak, she replies in a firm voice: "I saved your life! I´m sorry Steve, I wanted to believe that Bucky would get his memory back and be your friend again, but in the end of the day, the simplest explanation is the right one!"
Sam is also out of the jet, but he stopped half-way and is standing in the back, listening to his friends.
Steve just stares at Natasha and sees the suffering in her green eyes, but it will never hide the truth, that she killed Bucky, that she still has an assassin´s nature. He lowers his voice as he says in a bitter tone: "We are defined by the decisions we make. I was willing to die for Bucky and you were willing to kill him."
Now Natasha is annoyed because Steve has touched a nerve, so she raises her voice: "So, I was supposed to let him kill you? This is bullshit! The world needs its heroes, not more broken assassins walking around! If Bucky came back after killing you, how do you think he would feel? Do you honestly think he would forgive himself and have a normal life? That would leave a scar forever! And you know that I know what I´m talking about!"
Steve hisses in frustration. Deciding there is nothing left to say on the matter, he turns around saying in a discouraged tone: "I can´t do this. Goodbye Natasha." He walks away to the opposite direction of the car that is waiting to take them to the Avengers Tower.
Natasha takes a few steps toward Steve´s direction and shouts to his back: "Even if you hate me, I´m glad you´re alive!" She watches Steve´s form walking away and it all sink in. It´s over, she has done too much damage. It is hard for Natasha, but she has to let him go. As Steve disappears into the airport lobby, a few tears escape from her eyes and roll down her cheek.
Sam approaches Natasha from behind and says softly: "Natasha, let´s go. Steve just needs some time to think. He´ll come around." He gently puts a hand on her shoulder.
Natasha wipes her tears away and then turns around to look at Sam.
The sad look on Natasha´s face breaks Sam´s heart. He gestures for her to follow him to the car and she does that with a very glum walk.
Once inside the car, Sam tries to comfort her: "For what is worth, if I was in your place on the top of that black building, I would have done the same thing."
Natasha looks at Sam who is seating beside her and replies with a weak smile: "Thanks, Sam."
When they stop in front of the Avengers Tower, Natasha gets off the car and just contemplates the modern and tall building. Her own words echoes in her mind: "The world needs its heroes, not more broken assassins walking around!"
Tony Stark said once in an interview: "The Avengers Tower is the place for the world´s mightiest heroes!", but she doesn't feel like that, she never has actually. And right now she feels a lot worse than that, she feels like a demon trying to get inside of a holy place. She fears that she might burst up in flames once she steps inside.
Sam in now holding the front door open for Natasha and notices how lost she looks. He asks: "Natasha? Are you coming?"
Natasha blinks a few times, her mind is stunned at the moment, so when she absent-mindedly looks at Sam, she simply answers: "I need a drink" and before Sam can say anything, she turns around and starts walking down the street.
Meanwhile, in another part of the city, Steve is standing by the East River, looking at the Brooklyn Bridge. He recalls his happy childhood times with his mother and Bucky. But they are just bittersweet memories now. He feels like he has nothing left to lose. He lost all his loved ones and now he is also losing his faith on people and his will to carry Captain America´s shield. He decides that he needs to talk to someone or his mind is going to drive him crazy and there is only person that he can talk to right now, Peggy Carter. He needs to see Peggy.