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Chapter Quote:
"I'm not gonna fight you."
~Captain America in Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Chapter 11

Annabeth

For the first couple of days, I'd only been going into Bucky's room whenever I heard him yelling in his dreams. I'd stay with him until he fell back asleep and then I'd go back to my room. But the fourth day, I woke up in Bucky's bed. He was on my laptop next to me, reading all the material he could find about himself as Bucky Barnes.

"You fell asleep and I didn't want to wake you, so I just let you sleep in my bed," he admitted. "I hope you don't mind."

I smiled at him. "Not at all. Thank you."

"If it's easier for you, at night, when you come to my rescue in the middle of the night, you're welcome to stay in my bed if you're too tired to go back to yours. I know I wake you up multiple times. I'm not trying to hit on you, I promise."

"I trust you," I said. "I might take you up on that offer."

And I did. I ended up simply sleeping in his bed with him at night. We were careful to stay on our sides, but once in a while I'd wake up with his hand on my arm. It always made me smile. Whether it was coincidence or not, Bucky's dreams didn't appear as frequently. Compared to having six or seven screaming episodes a night, he only had two or three. He swore it was because of me, but I told him it was all him.

It was now Sunday night, and I realized I'd been with Bucky almost a whole month. I hoped Steve and Sam were doing okay. From what I'd heard, Steve had had to go deal with an 8-foot robot named Ultron or something. I wasn't sure. Neither Bucky nor I got out enough to actually learn about what was going on, and surprisingly, there wasn't much on the internet about current news.

I was currently reading a book I'd bought a couple days ago. It was a history book on the Civil War. About two hours into it, Bucky started muttering things in his sleep, Russian it sounded like. I ignored it. He would talk in his sleep a lot and be fine. This mumbling didn't worry me. I began reading my book when Bucky's hand pounded the bed, right next to my leg. If he'd had hit me, my leg would've been broken, there was no doubt about that in my mind. Setting the book down, I gently placed my hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly and asking him to wake up. I thought it was working until he took my wrist in a near bone-crushing grip.

"Bucky!" I shouted, panic rising in my chest. I'd never been afraid of him before, and I wasn't now. He was just dreaming; I could get him out of this. His eyes sprang open; they had wild, almost feral look in them. They flitted all over the place, taking in the surroundings before landing on me. I smiled sympathetically at him. "Hey, it was just a dream. That's all it was Bucky, I pro-"

Bucky's hand went for my throat. I barely avoided it by snapping backwards.

"Bucky, please," I began, trying to get out of the bed.

"Who the hell is Bucky?" he snarled. My pulse pounded through my body. He didn't remember who I was, and more importantly, who he was.

Realizing he still had my wrist in his grasp, he took advantage of it and used it to slam me into the wall. My head knocked into the dry wall so hard it actually made a hole. I groaned from the pain. At that moment, cold fingers wrapped themselves around my neck.

"Bucky!" I gasped, attempting to breathe. "Please, let me go."

"Shut up!" He practically screamed. "Stop saying that name!"

I struggled to stammer out a sentence. "My n-name is… Anna-Annabeth Dr-Drew. I'm… h-here to he-help you."

"You're HYDRA. No one in HYDRA's ever helped me, and you're just like them. You're no different. You just don't want me to kill you. Too bad."

His fingers started gripping tighter, my vision was starting to become spotted. Desperately, I told him, "Y-you won't kill… kill me, even w-when you h-had the chance las-last time."

"Oh yeah? And when was that?"

"Five years a-ago… J-July fourth."

Unless I was mistaken (which I very well might have been considering I could barely breathe), a flicker of remembrance flashed through his eyes. I stopped trying to pry his fingers off my throat and used my free hand to cup his face. The Winter Soldier stared at me, trying to figure out if what I was saying was true. I took the distraction to hit a specific spot on his metal arm, one that would make it malfunction slightly before making it immobilized, which would free me. I didn't want to lay any hand against Bucky, but I couldn't help him if I was dead.

Just like I predicted, his metal hand spasmed off of my throat. I dropped to the ground in a heap, having a massive coughing fit when all the air found its way back to my lungs. I looked up to see Bucky holding his metal arm. His chest rose and fell rapidly. He made eye contact with me, and they weren't the cold, merciless eyes of the Winter Soldier anymore.

"A-Annabeth?" Bucky stammered.

"Hey soldier," I whispered, trying to get up. However, between the lack of oxygen and the shock my body was going through, the movement was too much for me to handle and I passed out on the floor.

Bucky

I stood rooted to the spot, staring at an unconscious Annabeth. It took me a few seconds to move because I was in so much shock over what I'd just done to her. I pulled her up into my arms, cradling her gently, pleading with her to wake up. I placed my head next to her heart, to make sure it was still beating. It was there, faint, but still there. If I had killed her… I would never forgive myself. It took a lot of convincing from her to help me not feel guilty about all the assassinations I'd done, particularly Howard Stark's. I'd just now forgiven myself for those because I hadn't known what I was doing. But with Annabeth… no. There was nothing that could help me forgive myself.

I gingerly stood up and brought her to my bed. After covering her up, I went and sat on the opposite side of the room so I was far enough away that there was no possible way for me to hurt her while I was awake.

Speaking of being awake, there was no way I'd be falling asleep any time soon. Hurting Annabeth was a worse nightmare for me than any dream of my past, because at least with my past, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't remember it. But strangling Annabeth? I remembered the entire episode, even though I know I didn't know who I was when it was happening. My brain… short-circuited or something. How many times would it do that before it stopped? Would it even stop? Or would I always have these mind switches where I would turn into the Winter Soldier with no recollection of anyone, who was a ruthless killer, who didn't care who he killed?

"Bucky?" Annabeth murmured. My head snapped up. Her eyes were still have shut but she was looking at me worriedly. "Are you okay?"

"Am I okay?" I started to splutter a little. "Annabeth… I just tried- I nearly- I almost… how can you ask if I'm okay?"

"Because you looked worried," she replied, rolling onto her side.

"I almost killed you. I'm not worried. I'm mortified. Who's to say I won't suddenly turn on you again?"

"We don't, but I'm not worried. I was able to stop it."

"But what if you can't next time? Annabeth, I remember what I did just now. I remember my fingers around your throat. I remember enjoying the thought of killing you."

"You thought I was HYDRA. You hated them, but you couldn't do anything to them before because they had enough men to overpower you. But I was the only one in the room. One good hit to my head and you could kill me. I was an easy target. That's all. You want revenge on HYDRA for doing what they did, and since you thought I was with them, you thought to start with me."

Annabeth swung her legs over the bed. I could tell she was still out of it, and that the simplest movements exhausted her. She began walking towards me, but I ordered, "Stop."

She did. "What?"

"Don't… come any closer."

Annabeth sat down on the floor, legs stretched out. She leaned back on her arms and stared at me. "Okay, I won't come closer."

My eyes traveled down to her neck. Black and purple bruises were forming a ring. I cringed outwardly.

"It doesn't hurt," she commented. "Feels weird, but it doesn't hurt."

"You shouldn't feel anything. I shouldn't have done that."

"You didn't know," she said, shifting her position to make it more comfortable.

"Maybe you should stop coming to check on me when I have the nightmares…"

"When hell freezes over."

"That wasn't a request Annabeth."

"I'm not going to force myself on you, but I am going to strongly suggest that you let me continue to wake you up from your nightmares."

"No, I'm not taking it back. I'm not going to risk hurting you again. I came too close to killing you this time. Please."

She let out a sigh as she stood up. "I wish you would trust yourself as much as I trust you. I'll go make something for us to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"All right, well then I'll put some in a container for you in case you get hungry later." Annabeth began to leave, but I said, "Promise me something."

"Hmm?" she asked.

"That if I have another episode, that you run away from me. That you will not stay in the same room as me. Hell, call Steve if you feel like you need to, but don't stay near me during my next episode. Get as far away from me as you can. And if I somehow trap you before you can escape, hurt me. I don't care. Do whatever you have to do to get away. Promise me, Annabeth."

She hesitated before responding. "I refuse to hurt you, but I promise."

Knowing that was the best I was going to get, I let her leave.

Annabeth

Three days passed with Bucky completely avoiding me. It hurt, because I felt not only did he not trust himself, but that he didn't trust me. However, I also understood where he was coming from and I respected that. These conflicting emotions were making me touchy, so I went and did something that I knew would calm me down: knife throwing.

I'd gotten pretty good at it. I was able to hit the target dead center most of the time, but I had to focus completely if I wanted that to happen. I practiced for hours, not just throwing, but holding and fighting with it too. Bucky had taught me more maneuvers (with the exception of the past three days). It was entertaining to do, particularly throwing the knife in the air, doing some cool judo move, and catching the knife again.

About two hours into practice, I heard Bucky start yelling in his dreams. My hand gripped around the knife tightly as I forced myself, for the ninth time in the past few days, not to run up to him. This was out of respect to his wishes more than anything else. If he hadn't made me promise not to run to him, I would already be up there with him.

The shouting continued, and I couldn't focus on the knife practice anymore. I sank against a pole to the floor and placed my head in my hands, repeating to myself: "Don't go up there Annabeth. You promised. Don't go up there."

That changed when I heard him cry out for me. Repeatedly. I should've thought he was still asleep, but the shock that he was calling for me overruled my better judgment as I ran up to him. I threw open his door to find him thrashing in the sheets. He was still muttering my name and I figured if he was remembering my name in his dreams, if I woke him up, then he'd still remember me if I woke him up.

Dashing to his side, I placed my hands on his flailing arms, telling him to wake up. He did, panic evident in his eyes. Like last time, they instantly landed on me.

"Wh- Annabeth?" he said.

"Hey," I whispered.

"I- I thought I told you not to wake me up," he chastised.

"You were calling out for me."

"I was?"

"Yes."

"And you ran and woke me up?"

"Yes."

"Even after what I did to you last time?"

"Yes."

"Annabeth, you promised you wouldn't wake me up!"

"I thought you were up because you were calling my name," I defended. "I didn't think you'd actually dream about me, let alone call my name out."

"It's dangerous for you to do it. Don't get yourself killed trying to help me."

Finally, I was done with this whole situation. "Bucky, enough. If I get myself killed trying to help you, then that's my choice, my fault, not yours. And you are not the only person in this world who's tried to kill me so if you think that one incident is going to scare me off? Think again. You want to know the reason I trust you? The reason I believe with complete certainty that you will never kill me? Because when you were the Winter Soldier, Pierce gave you the option to kill me or let me live. Never, not once in that career of yours, did you let a victim get away. In all honesty, I thought you would kill me that night. But you didn't, obviously, because I'm here now. Did I mention you'd been brainwashed before being sent to kill me? You had absolutely no memory of who I was and yet you still let me live. For some reason Bucky, no matter what, you always let me live. So no, I'm not afraid of you, I never have been, and I never will be. Stop pushing me away from you, please. And if you're pushing me away because I'm getting annoying or because you want to be alone, then tell me. I don't care, it won't hurt my feelings. But don't use the 'I-don't-want-to-hurt-you' card because it won't work on me. You'll have to come up with something better than that."

Bucky stared at me as I got up. I didn't want to stay in the house any longer. I needed to get out and get some fresh air.

"Where are you going?" Bucky asked from behind me. When I told him, he said, "Let me go with you."

"No, I'd prefer to walk by myself."

"Please?"

"That wasn't a request," I retorted, stalking out the front door. If he was following me, I couldn't hear him, but I doubted he was.

I walked briskly through the brush, wanting to get away from the house. The farther away I got, the more upset I became with myself. I shouldn't have snapped at him like that. He didn't know, he was trying to protect me in the only way he knew how, even though I didn't need protecting. Maybe I was just so sleep deprived that my brain wasn't functioning well enough to remind me not to yell at Bucky, because that wouldn't help the trust issues we were currently having.

I plopped down in front of a small pond. It was a quiet area, allowing me to collect my thoughts, and my wits, again. I was really starting to beat myself up over my outburst. He hadn't deserved it. I'd nearly come too close to telling him something else but I'd managed to refrain.

The cracking of twigs behind me made me turn around. I assumed it'd be Bucky; after all, we were in the middle of nowhere practically. But I was wrong. Two burly men appeared. They gave off a bad aura. They were dangerous. One even had a rifle in his hands. I began to move away, hoping they wouldn't see me, but unfortunately, they did.

The taller of the two whistled appreciatively. "Hello pretty lady."

"What's a pretty girl like you doing all out here by your lonesome sweetheart?" the other one asked.

"Leaving," I said shortly.

"Stay a while baby. My name is Jesse. This here is Kyle. What's yours?" The first guy said.

"I'm not your 'baby' and I'm not telling you my name. I'm leaving." I started to back up, but they followed.

"You're staying with us for a bit," Kyle warned, holding his rifle up towards me, sneering. My mind raced in an effort to try to get out of this situation. First I needed to get that rifle out of my face, then I needed to get out of there.

So I did what I do best. I improvised. I looked between them and pretended to act surprised and relieved. "Bucky, thank god you're here."

Predictably, Jesse and Kyle turned around. I took the opportunity to kick the rifle out of the latter's hands. The action stunned the two of them enough to give me ample time to escape. I darted into the trees. I heard them screeching angrily behind me along with crashing. They were coming after me. I could always stand and fight them, but compared to them, I was tiny. No matter how much of a fighter I was, there was no way I could take on both of them. Maybe one at a time… if I could separate them…

I slid to a stop and hid behind a tree. Kyle and Jesse came into view a few seconds later; I could see them. They couldn't see me.

"Where'd she go?" Kyle demanded.

"No idea. You go that way. I'll keep headin' this way," Jesse ordered. The boys separated. I thanked God for giving me the guy without the rifle. I could handle him by myself. Jesse walked straight past my hiding spot without realizing I was there. I tiptoed behind him, preparing to execute a defensive move Bucky taught me when someone slammed something into my head, knocking me to the ground. I rolled over, gasping from pain, to see Kyle grinning maliciously over me. Jesse tried to sit on top of me but I was going to have none of that. I slammed my foot into his crotch. The pain immobilized him. He collapsed to the ground in a whimpering pile.

"All right bitch, if you behave, we might let you live," Kyle warned.

I growled, "And by behave, you mean let you have your way with me? Yeah, not happening bucko."

I swiped his feet from underneath him. He lost his balance but stayed upright. It gave me enough time to get up myself though. He lunged at me. I dodged out of the way and kicked him literally in the ass, sending him sprawling onto the ground. The rifle flew out of his hands; I snatched it up before he could. Jesse had gotten back up, but I hadn't noticed he had until he had his arm wrapped around my neck. I struggled violently against him, but he was strong.

I screamed, loud, long, and sharp.

Kyle covered his ears; he slapped me good and hard when I was done. I felt his ring cut my cheek. It stung. He grabbed my hair and yanked my head back. "Little spitfire aren't you? You think screaming is going to help? We're in the middle of nowhere baby. No one is coming to your rescue you."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," I said.

"Oh, I would." At that moment, someone tapped Kyle on the shoulder. I saw the hesitation flash in his eyes before turning around.

"Actually, she would be right," Bucky snarled. I'd never seen the Winter Soldier fight in person, let alone even hit someone else, just through video, so I had no idea exactly how strong he was until he punched Kyle square in the face with his metal arm; the jerk went flying back at least fifteen feet. He would've gone farther had a tree not blocked his path. Jesse released my neck but now that it was just him, I whirled around and whacked him in the head with the rifle. Bucky lifted Jesse up by the neck, walked over to Kyle, picked him up by the neck too, and slammed them into trees, pinning them there.

"If I ever catch you harassing her again. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm going to kill you. Understand?" Bucky admonished harshly. He dropped Jesse and Kyle to the ground and turned to me. "Are you okay?"

I walked up to the two men and kicked them as hard as I could in the crotch. They hollered out in pain. Turning around to face Bucky, I said, "Now I'm okay."

He grabbed my hand and the two of us trekked back to the house in silence. I wondered what was going through his mind. He seemed angry and I wondered if it was at me or Kyle and Jesse or all three of us. When we got to the house, Bucky asked, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, just a small cut on the cheek." His nostrils flared but he remained silent. "I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier. I don't have an excuse for it; I shouldn't have done it."

"You were frustrated, and you made some good points. I understand." He walked into the kitchen. I followed.

"Just because I was frustrated doesn't give me a good excuse. I'm promised you I would help you and if that means letting you scream in your sleep and doing nothing about it, then so be it. I'm sorry Bucky."

"Don't be. You were right. I shouldn't have used the 'I-don't-want-to-hurt-you' card. It wasn't the reason I was pushing you away."

"So why were you?"

"Because you were scaring me. You have a good habit of that actually. Especially when you went for that walk. I thought you weren't coming back… and then I heard you scream and don't even get me started about how panicked I became."

"I… scare you? Uh, how do I scare you? I mean, I'm tall, but I'm not muscular, I'm not a kickass assassin either. How does a person like me scare a person like you?"

"Because you're not scared of me when I scare myself. Damn it Anna, even Steve was scared of me at some point, but you, disregarding the first time you met me, were never scared. I think you were scared of what I could do, but not of me personally. And you should be. I'm a time-bomb. God only knows when I'm going to snap back into my Winter Soldier mentality and try and kill you again. Like you said, one good hit to the head and I could kill you, and still you somehow see good in me. Somehow, for some reason, you think I'm this wonderful person when in reality I'm nothing but a monster!"

"James Buchanan Barnes, I've never given you an order in my life, but I'm about to. Listen to me and listen to me carefully: you are not a monster and you never have been. You've been scary as hell, sure, and you're right, it does scare me what you can do, what you do, but not you yourself. You were a soldier trained to do whatever his superiors wanted. And you probably enjoyed the thrill of the chase, but that doesn't make you a monster; that makes you human. What makes humans monsters is when they kill someone of their own volition, not because they're on orders. If you're on orders, then it is your job. The job might seem monstrous to some people, but does that make the person monstrous? No, it doesn't. At least not always. In your situation, it is far from making you a monster. You're a man who's been beaten, tortured, and brainwashed into submission. You didn't know any better than to carry out what you were told. And these nightmares you're having? They torment you day and night. If you were a monster like you claim you are, you wouldn't care. They wouldn't cause you any pain. And what about those two men you just saved me from? A monster would've killed them without second thought. But you let them live."

"I did want to kill them though," Bucky admitted.

"But you didn't. What you're going through is not easy, and there'll be times when you think it's hopeless, but it won't be. Your life will never be the same. You will never be the James Buchanan Barnes from World War II, but you'll never not be him either. Do you understand me? Promise me you'll never call yourself a monster again."

Bucky pulled me into a hug, one hand wrapped around my waist, the other cradling my head close to his chest. "I promise if you promise never to leave me like that again."

I smiled. "Promise."

Do you think Bucky will have another episode? Or was this a one-time thing? Review :)