Broken
Chapter 13- F***ing Perfect
A/N: I feel bad, I'm sorry, don't hate me! Here is the long waited...Rachel's side of the story! My inspiration came to me after I wrote the first two paragraphs, I couldn't find a way to get Rachel's story out, but I listened to F***ing Perfect (Guy's version) and it all just clicked. At the bottom I'll give the link so just in case you haven't heard the song, it'll be there. I own nothing, just this plot you all seem to love! OH! By the way, over the weekend I hit my 200th review and it was anonymous, so I couldn't go all out on the person, so here's the shout out to Kristi who was my 200th reviewer! Thank you so much! Okay, I'm done!
When Rachel felt Puck pull away, even if it was only to look in her eyes, Rachel thought otherwise. She knew this was coming. Once it was out, he was going to leave her, she just knew it. "Please...please don't leave me, I-I p-promise to be better, I do." Rachel pleaded, holding on to Puck just a little bit tighter.
Puck could see how serious she was being at the moment; she thought he had it in him to leave her, to walk away. He didn't, no matter what happened, no matter what was said, he could never just walk away from her. "Rachel, I love you, I'll never be the one to leave. I don't think I'm strong enough to leave you." Puck kissed the top of her head, "I love you baby, so much."
Rachel snuggled deeper into his chest, "I love you too." Sighing heavily, Rachel played with the hem of Puck's t-shirt, "I-I guess I should start," she mumbled.
"Whenever you're ready babe," Puck rested the top his cheek on the top of her head. He wasn't really sure he wanted to know the whole story. To hear how she managed to be so broken to the point where she inflicted injury to herself.
Rachel tried to remember how much Puck knew about life before New York, and all she could come up with was he knew she had a boyfriend named Jesse, Jesse had made her turn her back on family and friends. And that she was attacked. "Noah, r-remember Jesse?" At Pucks nod she pushed herself through, "I-he...he used to...hit me, talk down to me. I thought I really loved him but only a few weeks into our relationship the insults started to come. Noé wouldn't talk to me if Jesse was around, or over my house. Just a few months in Jesse started to hit me when I wouldn't listen. Constantly pressured me to have sex with him, but never did he touch me, he would just get up and walk away for a few and then come back cooled off.
"That night," Rachel sniffled, burying her head into Puck's chest for a few minutes, letting him just hold her, whispering a few words of comfort. Puck rubbed her back until she slowly sat back up, "I walked myself to dance; Dad and Daddy were out of town, Finn had a dinner to attend with Quinn, and Kurt was with his boyfriend, which I all understood. Jesse and I had a fight earlier over why we weren't having sex-it seemed then that's what all our fights were about-he told me to fuck off, he'd find it somewhere else. I of course broke down thinking of Jesse finding someone else, someone better than me, prettier than me to have sex with. I told him I never wanted to see him again and he told me I didn't make that call, he did, and we weren't over.
"I didn't have any friends in dance so, after I had to walk myself home, it was dark and cold, and if I remember, it was raining or it just ended. But I do remember the ground being cold and wet. That's when I was attacked, in the alley next to the dance studio... Jesse came out of nowhere, he was drunk... Told me I was nothing but a dirty whore and they don't get second chances..." Rachel finally let out a loud sob, one that was filled with only pain.
Puck tried to process everything, she had been abused-mentally and physically-she was attacked by her own boyfriend, if you could even call him that. His Rachel was broken and still trying to heal; she had no one to turn to then, no friends... "Rachel, shh, it's oka-..." Puck tried to soothe her.
"No! Noah, let me finish!" She gasped, trying to control the sobs running through her body. "As he raped me-Noah, he raped me-he beat me, called me names that I would never, could never repeat. Thank god I blacked out; I had never felt so dirty. He left me for dead, if it wasn't for the dance instructor seeing him stumble out of the alley, and her gut instinct saying to check, I probably would have died. Some days I wish I had. I wouldn't be here dealing with all this. Before I moved to New York, I had vivid nightmares, flashbacks, hallucinations, you name it, and I went through it.
"Finn felt guilty, Jesse was his friend, and he was why we started dating. Jesse was over the house all the time, always had his eyes on me... So, Finn pulled away, Quinn followed his lead, all though she tried the hardest to comfort me. Sure my dad's were there, but they didn't really understand. Kurt didn't know how to react around me, so he left for the most part. Noé..." Rachel laughed humorlessly, shaking her head. "Some best friend he was, yes I pulled away from him but he never, not once, called to see how I was doing, came to see me. No text or e-mail, I thought he was one I could count on.
"I had all this pain and sadness and no one would listen or just hold me, so I turned to cutting. I researched it and made sure I knew what I was doing first. It helped me, an emotional release." Rachel sounded distant and Puck didn't know what to do. "Dad caught me, told me that was it, I needed help. So they brought to a therapist who had no idea what she was talking about. She didn't know how I felt! She didn't go through half of what I went through! I refused to go after that. They got me Pixie to try to help me cope. But I still never felt safe. When they suggested I move to New York with Finn, I almost laughed. I had nothing to lose; I packed my bags and headed there." Rachel looked up at Puck, feeling like a million pounds had been lifted off her shoulders. She met his eyes, seeing unshed tears, ones for her, out of the love he felt for her. "Then I met you, when you first took me in your arms, I finally felt safe, I knew deep down you would never let anything happen to me. You would keep me safe. I let you hold me because I felt safe. I let you sleep in my bed because I felt safe in your arms. But I was also scared; you were the first that I was letting into my life. I pushed you away because of that. You were relentless though, never let me forget you were there. And Pixie likes you..." Rachel trialed off, biting her lip gently, thinking of the past few months. "You brought me back to life, and I love you for it, I love you because you make me feel safe. I love you because you're always here for me, you hold me when I need to be held, sing to me when I need it. I love you Noah," Rachel snuggled into his chest, feeling his arms wrap around her tightly. And she indeed did feel safe. Puck dropped a kiss to the top of her head, and before she could give him a chance to speak, Rachel spoke again. "Sing to me Noah."
"Of course Rach, I love you baby." Puck kissed her once more before thinking of a song to sing to her.
I know how you feel inside
You're in love and so am I
But you're with some other guy
I should be the one by your side
He cheated made you feel no good
I, told you that he would
I, knew he'd make you cry
You're broken
Let me make it better
Glue you back together
Just give me a try
Puck squeezed Rachel's shoulder, feeling a fresh wave of sobs coming on. He knew he story changed nothing; he loved her more because of what she had to deal on her own.
Oooh,
Pretty, Pretty Please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
If you get with me
I won't ever make you feel
Any less than
Fucking perfect
(You'll see)
At his house you found her clothes
Tried to play you and say who's are those?
He's so stupid.
Here's how I know
What kind of genius would let perfection go
Puck felt Rachel let out a small chuckle, and gripped him a little tighter, kissing his chest lightly. He could even feel her lips move, feeling 'I love you,'
He's conceited
Only bout himself
He loves nobody else
He ain't even fly
You're broken
Let me make it better
Glue you back together
Just give me a try
Ooh
Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Any less than
Fucking perfect
If you get with me
I won't ever make you feel
Any less than
Fucking perfect
(You'll see)
It's gonna take time to heal that hole (he left)
Exactly how long I don't know but
You got pain and I know a remedy
You gotta start kickin' with someone like me
Now you're over- analyzing all your thoughts
Start thinking it was all your fault
But baby girl don't you go and blame yourself
Cause he's just a douchebag
he's just a douchebag
Puck was able to get another chuckle from Rachel, which in turn made him smile. Rachel thought this song seemed almost perfect, besides it being a little different from her situation, she still found endearing.
Oooh woah
Yeah
I was hoping
You'd let me replace him
I would straight erase him
Right out of your mind
Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking Perfect
If you get with me
I won't ever make you feel
Any less than
Fucking perfect
Pretty Pretty Please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking Perfect
If you get with me
I won't ever make you feel
Any less than
Fucking Perfect
Puck ended the song, giving her a simple kiss to her temple. "Nothing changes Rachel; I love you more than ever and will do whatever it takes to make you better. I promise you Rachel, whatever it takes. You will always be perfect in my eyes, never forget that. Whatever he said in the past means nothing Rach, you are beautiful, you are strong, you are kind, I will never treat you like that, you are fucking perfect and I fucking love you Rach."
…***...***
When they finally arrived back in New York, Puck was pacing back and forth in the living room waiting for his parents to finish their drive from Rhode Island. He missed his damn dog. Okay, so it's only been a few days since he last saw Pixie, but it was too long, he really loved the little dog.
"Noah, stop." Rachel stood in front of him, placing her hands on his chest. "I'm starting to feel like you're with me for my dog." Rachel wrapped her arms around his waist, holding him close. She knew that was most certainly not the case, Puck did love her, even after everything she's been through, how broken she really is, he still wants her. But don't blame her for having a second thought. It's not normal for a boyfriend to worry so much of your dog.
Puck sighed, running a hand over his head. "I love you Rachel, and I'm not with you because of the dog, I'm with you because you're funny, smart, beautiful, kind, sweet..."
"Okay! I got it, I love you too."
"But I did grow attached to Pixie, she's just too damn cute!" Puck smiled, wrapping his arms around Rachel's shoulders.
Rachel smiled when she felt his arms around her, relaxing against him. "Should I give you two alone time when she gets back?" She joked, laughing to herself.
"Awww babe, you know me so well." Puck kissed the top of Rachel's head, smiling against her hair. Just as he was going to open his mouth to speak again, the door opened and Pixie came running in, straight at Puck. "Pixie! My babygirl! I've missed you!" He removed his arms from Rachel's shoulders and picked up the small dog, cradling her like a baby. Pixie barked excitedly and started licking his face. "Did you miss daddy as much as he missed you? I'll bet you did, huh girl?"
Rachel looked at her dog and boyfriend, smiling sadly. She knew that Puck loved her, but when he acted like that with a dog, she couldn't help but feel insecure. She slowly walked into her room and lay down on the bed, thinking. So many things had changed, but yet everything was the same. She was still a scared little girl when it was the end of the day, and she didn't know how anyone could love her.
…***...***
After an hour of playing with Pixie, Puck realized that Rachel wasn't in the living room anymore. He walked to her room quietly and upon seeing the door open, slowly walked inside. The sight he saw made him smile. Rachel was curled up asleep in the middle of her bed holding one of his sweatshirts with a small peaceful smile on her face. He sat next to her, just watching her sleep for a few minutes before she began to stir and he was afraid he woke her up. He held his breath for a moment and when she only rolled over, getting more comfortable, smiled wider. Puck pulled her polka-dotted throw blanket over her and set Pixie down by her side before stroking her hair softly.
…***...***
Rachel hadn't meant to fall asleep at all. She just wanted to rest her eyes for a few minutes, but when she woke up and it was dark outside, she had expected Puck to be next to her, as he so often was when she fell asleep on accident. Looking around her room, she frowned, only finding Pixie. She stood up and stretched, worried that he had left, for good. "Noah?" She called quietly, walking into the hall. "Noah? Are you here?" She walked around the apartment, wrapping her arms around herself. The whole apartment was dark, and she couldn't hear him breathing in his room. She was alone. Completely alone. Since she moved in here, she was never by herself. There was always someone here. Walking into the kitchen, she turned on the light hoping to see a note or something from him, saying where he had gone and that he'd be back soon.
She didn't find anything, not even a little sticky note saying "I love you." on it. Rachel sighed, figuring he had thought about what they talked about before coming home and decided that he couldn't handle it. That she had too much emotional baggage to deal with, and he didn't know how to break it to her. Moving around the apartment blindly, her tears blurring her vision, she went to Pucks room and opened the door, staring at the bed, large and inviting. But for some reason, she didn't feel welcome.
The big apartment was so cold and uninviting to her now. She tried to think of where he could be at eleven o'clock at night, and the only place she could think of scared her. He was out, getting drunk, trying to forget about her. She heard noises outside and started panicking. Running into Pucks room without thinking, she hid under the covers, crying herself to sleep.
…***...***
Puck hadn't meant to be out so late. He called Sam while Rachel was sleeping to meet him at a jewelry store. He wanted to get Rachel something nice, and he knew Sam had a twin sister, so Puck figured Sam could help him. What he wasn't expecting was getting invited by Sam to go watch a football game at one of the local bars that didn't card. By the time Puck walked out of the stuffy building, it was ten thirty in the evening. Wait, ten thirty? Shit! Rachel! Puck thought, trying to get back to her as quick as possible.
He felt like a lunatic, running through the streets of New York City, but he didn't care. He had to get home to her. He walked into the apartment at eleven fifteen. Sighing, he went to Rachel's room to check on her, but stopped when he heard quiet sobs coming from his room. Quietly, he opened the door, frowning at what he saw. The top of Rachel's head was sticking out from under his covers, and he could see her body shaking with sobs. "Rachel?" He asked quietly, sitting next to her. She just cried louder, making him frown. "Rach? Baby, it's me. What's wrong? Are you hurt? Please talk to me. Look, I'm sorry that I was gone but I had to go do something. I love you."
"Please leave," Rachel sniffled, even though she moved closer to him. Puck slid down next to her, pulling the covers over his head as well.
"Rach, what's wrong? Please tell me what I did."
"You left...I woke up and you weren't here. I was all alone. It's scary here at night. You always leave a note if you go somewhere when I'm asleep. You left me," Rachel said quietly, tears streaming down her face, "I know you probably realized that I'm not good enough for you, and I have a lot of extra baggage, but if you are going to leave me, I would appreciate a little warning first.
"I mean, I know I'm kind of crazy and I'm not the easiest to get along with, but you could at least have the decency to not leave me here alone before you break my heart into a million pieces Noah." Rachel was sobbing hysterically, trying to catch her breath.
"Shhh, Rach, I'm not leaving you. I'm never leaving you baby," Puck said softly, pulling her to his chest, rocking her back and forth. "I'm sorry I scared you. I didn't mean to be gone long, I love you." He hated that he made her feel that way, that she felt she wasn't good enough for him. "Don't ever think you're not good enough for me. You're perfect." He kissed the top of her head, holding her closer until she stopped crying and looked at him with tired, bloodshot eyes.
"I love you Noah." She yawned, falling asleep in his arms.
"Love you too Rach." Even though he was exhausted, Puck couldn't sleep. He stayed up, watching Rachel and holding her the rest of the night.
A/N: There it is :) Once again, soooooooo sorry it took so long to get out. The inspiration for when they are back in NYC is "The Background" by Third Eye Blind. I highly suggest you listen to it. Until next time.