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Chapter 6: Whole Heart
Looking back, I don't clearly remember being tortured. Stretches of hazy, unimaginable pain, weaving in and out of consciousness. Screaming. I remember the light, too. Almost dying. Seeing Dawn and Daphne and Julie...and Draco.
"Can't you feel something? There has to be!" I heard a girl's shriek.
"Wait-wait-I think I feel something-her heartbeat's back!" Someone else roars.
My eyelids were crusted shut. My body was wracking with stabbing pain, echoes of the night of torture and soreness.
When my eyelids finally listen to my brain telling them to open, it scared me, and I wished I'd kept them closed.
Everything was hazy, and I was looking at all of these frantic people through eyes that wouldn't focus. I was in a hammock with little control over my body. I didn't understand anything. All those faces were crowding in, pressing on me. Everything was just a dull roar. No distinct sound, it was only the first sentence that had clarity.
I remembered that light-I pressed at my temples with fingers that felt heavier than they'd ever been, trying to block out all this chaos-I squeezed my eyes shut, then I cover them, wanting to see the light again. Even dying would be better than this.
Someone older, a lady in white robes is all I see then I open them again.
"Draco," I whimpered. "Draco!" I screamed, then I was screaming again, wanting to get back into the dream, or whatever it was-maybe screaming will trigger it-but I couldn't even hear my own voice. I reached my hands and pulled them through my hair, agitated, then pushed them away. I curled up into a ball, closing my eyes and willing darkness to come. But it didn't. That same lady was putting an icy hand on my forehead, forcing me to drink a cool liquid. I gagged and coughed, and then...
Finally, I was granted sleep.
I woke up sometime later, maybe days, I wouldn't know. I didn't open my eyes. I heard murmuring, and tried to figure out where I was.
Without consent from my mind, my eyes opened. I was finally, truly awake-instead of the half-asleep, pain-filled state I've been in for the past 2? 3? days. And the little sleep I had been granted then had been wracked with nightmares, even though I tried to scream and thrash my way out of them.
I saw an alert-looking Michael Corner in the hammock across from mine, where I was curled into a tight fetal position. No one has yet realized I was awake.
I peeked through the lock of hair that had fallen across my face, across the blanket that obscures a corner from my view.
There were maybe fifteen people walking around, talking, reading, practice-dueling...even Madame Pomfrey was here, bustling about in her white robes between Michael and I. I even saw Julie, Lucy, and Sarah talking to Seamus. And then I looked down to the side of my hammock, where Draco slept in a chair. His head was lolled to the side, eyes closed and hair flopping over his forehead, the platinum color matching his cotton white t-shirt. The sleeves were pushed up, but a white bandage covering his left forearm. It was not covering a wound. Then my eyes move up to his other arm-his hand was lying on my hammock, a few inches away from my own hand...he had been holding it while I was screaming, or sleeping, or shaking and crying...some unattractive state, I was sure.
I moved a bit, stretching out my legs. Even that hurt, but not as much as it had.
"Draco, I whispered, nudging him with my blanket covered foot, pushing hair out of my face. "Draco!" With no response, I nudge him again.
"What? Astoria!" He said in a hoarse voice. He took one of my hands in both of his, and brought them to his bowed forehead for a moment. I couldn't read his expression. Then he muttered something incomprehensible, and he was gone-the sudden coolness where his hands used to be made me gasp. In the next second, I just laid there, stunned, barely registering as Pomfrey came over.
I told her my symptoms, and when she retreated to the end of the room to brew a potion, my hammock was swamped with eager, chattering faces that retreat reluctantly when Pomfrey warned them I was still recovering.
Julie, Lucy, Sarah, Quinn, Ginny, Michael, and Neville were left and each had something to tell me.
I nodded and smiled weakly but couldn't really focus on what they're saying as the first four talked to me-the words "mentally shaky" thundered through my mind.
When Quinn talked to me he looked pale and slightly withdrawn, and it didn't seem like it was just because I had just been tortured-but I knew he wouldn't bring up what was bothering him now, not when a bit of my mind was still buzzing, puzzled, as if it was still infused with the unbearably strained feeling of being tortured almost to the point of breaking. He was formal and only said a few words, then Neville took the chair by my bed and leaned in close like he was about to tell me something important. He told me how they broke Michael and I out of the clutches of Amycus and Alecto after hours of being tortured, both of us unconscious, although I had gotten the worst of it. Michael was almost totally better, but I had been in a potion induced sleep for almost the past week, waking regularly to scream and thrash. Once my heart had stopped. But I already knew that.
"You know, I know two...family members-distant family members," Neville added quickly. "That were...tortured into insanity. For a while there, I thought you'd be going the same way." I felt the blood drain out of my face and felt like crying as I leaned forward to hug Neville. My body was wracked with a shudder and Neville quickly insisted that I lay back down. Not before he whispered in my ear-
"You were screaming for Draco a lot," he murmured. "That's why Quinn's acting like he is. Don't blame yourself." Then, he left me alone with Michael, which was good, because he was the only one who really got the state I was in.
"Do you remember it?" I asked him.
"Vividly. Every detail," he winced, and his eyes took on the shattered look that I knew mine had held ever since I'd opened them. But I was convinced it would go away. We wouldn't look like someone had sucked the life right out of us, shattered it, and then tried to re-inject it-we wouldn't look like that forever, would we?
We'd be all, completely better...but even as I thought that, I knew it wasn't true. All of it was emblazoned in me now, another murky shadow in my mind that I knew would make itself known in nightmares and flashbacks.
"I don't. Not really," I whispered.
"Maybe because they were harder on you," he suggested, and we both gladly accept Pomfrey's potion offered to ease the pain.
"Do you know why?" I asked hoarsely.
"I dunno, exactly. They were yelling something about...about you being a disgrace to your family, and how you had been nothing but trouble since the year began...I think it was just because they hated you worse," he said. "they were yelling over each other, and..the screaming...I couldn't hear very well." I nodded.
"It's almost Halloween, isn't it?" I asked suddenly.
He nodded, a bit surprised.
"Good. We could all use a holiday."
My eyes fluttered open, blinking against the sudden harsh light as they took in the only other occupant in the room of requirement. I didn't think he saw me, or even realized I was there, deciding to stay hidden in the room one more day because I wimped out. I'd go back on Halloween, however, which was tomorrow. There were no classes to fill the day anyway.
I continued to watch Draco as he stumbled under hammocks and over rugs, where he plopped down tiredly on the couch in front of the fire, rubbing his temples. I stayed still, unable to move, but also unable to stop watching him.
I pulled the blanket up over the bottom half of my face, my hair still wet from the much-needed shower I'd taken last night. It was curled around my neck in a wild ponytail. I wondered if Draco would turn around then to the left slightly, eyes falling on me. And then I wondered about Quinn-we hadn't really talked for a while, hadn't really spend time together since before I was tortured. I remembered seeing Draco's face in my near death experience, his eyes as he released me from the dungeon before that...and before it all, us. How he looked when he was about to kiss me, how I felt when I was with him. And what I felt when he wasn't with me.
I stepped silently out of the hammock and walked up behind the couch.
"When did you come in?" He turned around, starting a bit.
"Hello to you too. Mind if I sit?"
"Not at all."
"I never left, to answer your question. I wasn't quite ready to go back yet," I said softly, drawing my knees up to my chest and staring, entranced at the spark-belching fire from the opposite side of the couch as Draco.
"Just out of curiosity, do you remember what you were dreaming about the first week when you were recovering?" I froze, knowing exactly why he had been asking. Because of all the times I yelled for him in the midst of the worst flashbacks, screaming for him to come take the pain away.
"I-flashbacks," I whispered, meeting his eyes. "And I was yelling for people to come rescue me. Yours wasn't the only name I yelled," I said stubbornly.
He snorted. "Hm...if I remember correctly, I do believe it was," he gave me a devilish grin and I moved forward to whack him in the shoulder. Now that I'd moved a bit closer to him, I didn't bother scooting back.
"And you were listening?" I teased back noting the flames reflecting in his eyes-all of the small things you notice when you're so close to someone.
"I think everyone did, Astoria," he rolled his eyes. "There may have been a few people in America who didn't hear you." His smile dropped. "It was...painful...hearing you scream like that. Especially after they wouldn't let me come rescue you. They wouldn't let me in, even though I was pounding, so I put a spell to make it sound I like I was still there, and ran off to get the DA.
"Draco! You almost gave yourself away!" I gasped. Secretly, I was thankful-if he wouldn't have gotten anyone, Merlin knows how much longer Michael and I would have been there.
"That's what they told me," he said bitterly, referring to the DA, I guessed. He turned back to look at me, leaning forward slightly. "To be honest, I didn't care then what it would give away."
I stayed silent, looking in his eyes. I didn't need to say thank you, my look said it all. I was certain he knew. And silences were not at all awkward, not between us.
"I do have a question," he gave a little grin, one he sometimes wore when he was trying to suppress a laugh.
"Uh oh," I groaned, suppressing an unexpected laugh of my own.
"You remember last year, before Christmas break?"
"Yes," I said slowly, trying to grasp what he was getting at.
"Well, we were in the library and I was returning that book to you, and you turned around looking happy-really happy. And when I said here's the book, you snapped at me to keep the bloody book."
"And?" I nonchalantly picked at a thread on the couch (funny how it appeared just as I needed it) and tried to pretend I didn't remember the details when in reality they were burned into my mind.
"It's been bothering me ever since! I've never gotten the chance to ask you! Why'd you do that?" His frustrated tone didn't help the blush that had begun to spread all over my cheeks.
"If I tell you, will you answer one of my questions?"
"Depends."
"I don't take that, Malfoy. Promise."
"Okay, but only because you look so sick, Tori. Seriously. Eat something and sleep."
"Stop it. You're avoiding the question."
"Fine, fine. I promise," he grumbled.
"Okay...so the answer to your question first..." I paused, blushing even harder. He was going to laugh. "Ugh, no, it's stupid!" I groaned, covering my face with my hands.
"Stop, you've got to ask, you've got me curious!" He gently pulled my hands away from my face.
"You're going to laugh."
"Probably."
"Draco Malfoy, if you laugh, I'll-"
"Kidding, kidding!"
"Alright. When you called my name..." I exhaled and closed my eyes to his own, which were intently examining my face. "I thought you were going to apologize-" and kiss me- "for the Pansy ordeal back there, and maybe say something about the fight we'd gotten in, but then you said "you left your book", and I guess I'd gotten my hopes up because I sort of slightly lost my temper."
"Slightly?"
"Yeah, slightly," I gave him a look, daring to contradict me.
"See, I didn't laugh."
"You were seriously considering it."
"If I was going to laugh, I would have done so," he promised.
"Touché," I agreed. "Probably." I was suddenly aware of his leg pressed against mine, and how close we had gotten, unconsciously moving toward each other. "Right. Now my question."
"Bloody hell."
"You promised!" I protested.
"I guess I did."
"You know you did. Okay, here's the question. Do you love Pansy?" The words were tumbling out of my mouth before I had a chance to tell them not to.
"No. Now it's my turn-"
"Wait-do you like her as a girlfriend?" I suddenly had an unsatisfiable need for answers, to ask Draco everything that I had been wondering. But there was one thing I knew I couldn't ask.
"That's two questions-not fair!" He turned his head to look at me. Our faces were inches apart. "Two interesting questions, I might add."
I didn't respond, but stare, entranced by his eyes. A feeling of happiness ran through me, familiarity and security-and I would only admit this in my innermost thoughts-maybe a tiny smidgen of love.
He was so close to me, and we were both leaning in slowly, cautiously, and he put his hand under my jaw, tilting my head up toward his-my eyes were closing and it was like I was being drawn toward him by an invisible force, my heart fluttering faster than a hummingbird's wings.
He leaned forward-but I knew I had to do something now before our lips met, because when they did, my stubborn mind would finally accept that I still loved him.
"I have a boyfriend!" I rushed out in a single breath, jumping away like someone had suddenly coated the couch in acid. I turned away, massaging my temples.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, and I saw his mask come down as he stared with hard eyes into the fire, face emotionless.
But not before I saw the look of hurt flash across his face, and it hurt me as well. He got up and began to leave-and I couldn't do anything about it.
I didn't understand why I couldn't just go jump into his arms, because every cell in my body wanted to.
And he was gone.
The only thought in my head containing Quinn is that we had to end. Now. A guy like him didn't deserve to have some confused girl that could only give him a half love. A girl that would never be able to give him her whole heart.
But by mid-November I still hadn't ended it-I hadn't the nerve.
"We have heard more than whispers, and have seen more than signs that Dumbledore's Army is regrouping. Should any of you...come forward...with information, you will be richly rewarded," Snape's exact speech could be quoted down to the word, now. It was more of a routine than a source of anxiety, and even a source of comfort, because it meant they still hadn't managed to catch on. "And anyone found involved with the-"
"Guilty party will be punished with the same severity as those directly involved," I finished quickly for him in one breath into Julie's ear. It was becoming a game-see how much we could get out before he did.
Julie and I sniggered softly. Between studying for NEWTS, DA stunts, and evading Death Eaters, laughter was scarce.
"And secondly," Snape's voice held a note of triumph in it, but I didn't think much of it. Even though this was not normal. It was very effective in stilling rippling whispers. "A trio of students had been found breaking into my office, attempting to steal the sword of Gryffindor. Their reason is unknown-however, I assure you. They have been dealt with severely."
My heart skipped a beat-Luna. Ginny. Neville. I hadn't seen the three of them all day-standing "They have all been sent out with the caretaker, Hagrid, to assist him with work in the Forbidden Forest."
Loud gasps echoed around the room, but my fear dissipated and I struggled not to laugh aloud. Hagrid was like an uncle to all of them-he'd sooner throw his beloved boar hound in the way of danger than let so much as break a fingernail. I bet they were having a good laugh down there just now. My only worry was that they would choke on some of Hagrid's rock-hard cakes.
I almost gasped aloud when I remembered something-just now, something made sense in my head. Just a month ago, Ginny was muttering in her sleep about a sword. And now she had attempted to steal it.
"Quinn, wait!" I hurried to catch him, dodging between bodies as the entire school filed out of the Great Hall.
"Hey Tori, what's up?" He gave me a half-smile, and all the resolve I had possessed beforehand fled.
"I...just...wanted to say...oh, never mind," I ducked my head, embarrassed and ashamed that I just couldn't muster up the courage.
"Astoria, what is it?" He grabbed my arm and we navigate to the side, moving out of the thick of moving students. "Is something wrong? You've seemed...distant lately."
"No, nothing's...well, yes. Quinn, why don't you have a single mean bone in your body?" I asked, frustrated. "It would make this so much easier!"
"Make...what easier?"
"Quinn...this had to end. I love you as a brother, as a friend, but not more than that. I'm so sorry, Quinn," and I was, but I didn't feel remorse, and I didn't feel like I wished I could take back what I'd said. I responded to his last hug when he wrapped his arms around me silently, than walked away without a word.
Argh...by choosing Quinn by not kissing Draco, I hurt the one I truly loved and made the wrong choice...all in one blow. And now I had just hurt Quinn for the one I couldn't have.
I walked back to my common room with my mind working as I turned through the empty hallways. Empty, that was, but for Draco Malfoy, whose shadow-hidden form I didn't see until I walked past.
I backtracked several steps when I detected movement in the shadows-
"Malfoy!" I hissed angrily, catching sight of his identity as he moved into the light. He was in the perfect spot to have eavesdropped.
"Greengrass. Now have we covered names, or-"
"Were you listening to that?" I demanded, my voice rising.
"I may have caught a snippet or two," he shoved his hands into his pockets, adopting a cocky stance.
"Ugh, you little-ugh! Why do you make me so mad?!" I shoved him backwards but he was prepared, and didn't budge.
"It's what I do," he shrugged, faking modesty.
"Well, stop doing it them!" I snapped, turning before he had the chance to say another word. I groaned loudly as I heard him laugh at my retreating back.
Death Eaters conducting search tonight. Stay in room.
The warning spelled out across the coin, three words at a time, taking the place of the serial code. I stopped in the middle of the courtyard and warmed my icy hands with the still hot coin, watching my breath puff as it meets the cool December air.
"What'r you lookin' at there, girl? Get to class!" I jumped, terrified, as a male voice roars across the courtyard to me.
Without bothering to turn around, I all but ran to my next class, shoving the coin in my pocket. I wasn't so bold to Death Eaters when I was alone-months now of seeing and experiencing them carry out their pain regime and punishment...not to mention, I was still more shaken up than I'd like to admit over my torture scene. They had burned the Quidditch field, and cancelled all Hogsmeade trips. And now if they were too lazy to preform wandwork, they'd taken to punching, hitting, and kicking students who got mouthy. Neville was already sporting two black eyes, and Seamus was worse. The Death Eaters had seemed to figure out the two of them were behind a lot of the DA stunts, and they seemed to enjoy beating on them the most. But between all of this, I still hadn't rid my mind of the idea that Ginny and I should try to find Harry.
The only question would be getting Ginny to hear me out. I had over two weeks to convince her. I was going to put them to use. No one could say I wasn't prepared-I already had an arsenal of Polyjuice Potion-six vials, to be precise, and each could be used more than once, if we were to go looking for Harry and the other two.
I had mainly random muggles, but I had also managed to get Amycus, and-I had a feeling I wouldn't be using this one-Fenrir. I wasn't entirely sure it would work-he wasn't human. But he had been when the hair had been taken-
"Come on Ginny, you've got to admit that even just a bit of contact with Harry, or Ron or Hermione, will do wonders for this revolution. Besides, they might be needing our help!" I got out in a hushed whisper. Ginny and I weren't alone in the crowded DA room the day after the Death Eaters' search, but I couldn't wait much longer to tell her.
She seemed to think about it. "You'll go even if I don't come with you, won't you"
"Most likely," I give a sheepish grin, and knew it was true.
"Well...I suppose I'd better come too. Just to make sure you don't get your arse anywhere you can't get it out," she joked.
"Yes! Thanks so much, Gin! I've already got it all planned out and you don't need to worry about a thing!" I flung my arms around her in excitement.
I whirled around quickly, about to dash off to my room to more thoroughly plan for how Ginny and I would be spending the holiday-
Smack!
"Watch it, Greengrass!" Draco hissed, glaring.
"Don't stand so close behind me, and you won't have to worry about it," I snapped, dodging around behind him. But not even a moody Draco could bring down my excitement.
"Bye, I'll see you in a few weeks!" I hugged my three best friends goodbye, yelling to be heard over the noise of the crowd and train whistling of King's Cross Station. I weaved through moving bodies toward the general direction of the Weasleys last where I had left them when I had to get in one last good-bye.
I waved to Seamus, Neville, Padma and Parvati, and Luna as I passed them, and accidentally locking eyes with Draco.
He was too far away to tell if he was looking at me or just generally at the crowd, but I still blushed at the shiver I felt under his gaze. I started to walk once more, faster, toward the Weasleys, taking my mind off Draco. And it worked, because soon Ginny and my plan would start and I needed to keep on my toes.
"Hello, Astoria!" I shook Mr. Weasley's hand as Ginny hugged her mother. "And Happy Christmas!" I noticed his eyes were wandering to the sides of the room, the dark corners-scouting for Death Eaters. I had done the same thing. They had left us paranoid from their first, and only, thankfully, appearance at King's Cross Station. Next I was engulfed in a hug from Mrs. Weasley, and I was hit by a sudden wave of loneliness for my own mother.
But I shook it away, keeping my mind on other things as we dissaparated to the Burrow with our things.
"So how is Hogwarts? Both of your letters were so vague, you had your father and I worried!" Ginny and I glanced at each other, wide eyed, from across the dunner table, and we passed a silent agreement.
"Oh, it's...different, now that Dumbledore's gone, and of course there are maybe a few Death Eaters...how are Bill and Fleur, Mum?"
Fred and George, who had come to visit the Burrow, looked at each other, holding in a laugh, picking up that Ginny's answer had been carefully watered down and planned in advance as had several other questions by the both of us.
"Do I like I was born yesterday, Ginevra?" Mys. Weasley suddenly snapped, and even Mr. Weasley, too, had obviously detected the lie. "This is a very serious matter, and your father and I have been seriously considering taking you both out of Hogwarts!"
"But Mrs. Weasley! We're both leaders of Dumbledore's army, we can't just-"
"Mum, you can't do that! Just because Dumbledore's gone, and we've still got McGonagall-"
Ginny and I talked over each other.
"Girls, we don't want you subject to the Cruciatus Curse, or any of this dark magic at all, really. Though Astoria, you are of age...we really can't force you, but..."
"I suppose now is a really bad time to mention-"
"Ginny and Tori won't be spending Christmas with us," Fred completes George's sentence.
I stomped on their feet under the table and regreted telling either of them anything. By the way Ginny's eyes were flashing, I would tell she was thinking the same thing.
"Whatever do you mean?" Hands on hips, Mrs. Weasley rose to her feet. Not a good sign. The twins' eyes were flickering back and forth between their parents and us.
"Mum, Astoria and I are going to look for Harry and Ron and Hermione. You can't tell us not to-think rationally. If you knew how bad things were at the school then you'd know how much of a positive impact it will have on the resistance if Tori and I have proof that the three of them haven't dropped off the face of the earth!"
"I've got it all planned out, Mrs. Weasley, and we'll be completely safe and totally cautious. Besides, wouldn't you like to have a word about your son? Of Harry and Hermione?"
For the first time a flicker of uncertainty sparked in her eyes as she looked up at her husband, who had come to stand behind her. For the first time, I thought we might be able to fin her over.
"We could even update you regularly," I added.
"So...what, exactly...will you be doing? Where will you be going?" Mr. Weasley puts his hands on the shoulders of his wife.
"Well, we'd be approaching any place Harry'd be likely to be. Excepting Grimmauld Place, yes," Ginny added quickly, foreseeing what Mrs. Weasley was about to protest as her mouth opened. Grimmauld Place wasn't secure, she knew.
"Such as Godric's Hallow," I began. "I've already made and have ready six varieties of Polyjuice potions for disguise, and I have undetectable extension charms-got the idea from Hermione-on a bag I have. We're all set and ready, and we feel like this could work."
To my surprise, Mrs. Weasley started tearing up.
"All of my children-leaving-growing up! And now two of them, along with Harry, Hermione, and Astoria, have left or will be leaving-i-indefinitely!" Mr. Weasley hugged his sobbing wife, patting her shoulder awkwardly like he wasn't really sure what to make of the situation.
"We'll be back soon, mum," Ginny promised gently, going over to hug her mother. "We'll be back before holiday break is over."
"You're not going," Mrs. Weasley dabbed her eyes with her apron. "Or I'm grounding both of you until you're thirty, wether you're my blood daughter or not."
And with that, Ginny and my decided journey was not mentioned once the rest of the night. We were leaving anyway-tomorrow morning.
The next morning, we were caught just as we had been leaving the house-it took Mr. Weasley an hour to finally convince his wife to let us go.
"Whew, I though Mum would never let us leave," Ginny said as we walked out of the Burrow the next day into the cold morning air. Both Ginny and I had packed everything we could possibly need, and it was all rattling around in our bags, both of which had extension charms.
"Well, we can be assured that Fred and George tell their listeners on Potterwatch about this-people's prayers will be with us," I said as we began to hike up the hill, turning around for one last glimpse of the Burrow before we were on the opposite side of the protective fields. "I just hope it will be enough."
"It will be," Ginny reassured me. "We'll find him." She said it with such relish that it almost erased all doubt from my mind.
"Ready?" We stepped outside the protective charms, and it seemed we were in a different world, one with no Burrow behind us.
"Ready." She clutched my arm, and we turn on the spot, disapparating.
And with a resounding crack, we were taken to a place far, far away from the winter-frozen field we'd just left.
A\N-Like I said before, don't get your knot in a twist-I'm not going to make it so entirely AU that they'll end up searching with H, R and H. Hope you enjoyed, thanks to everyone who left a review last chapter! I got more than usual...so happy:) Seriously, thank you guys soooo much. You're what keeps me going.