Broken

Chapter 20- Feeling Like A Fool For Trying

A/N: I know, I suck. I promised no long waits, and I honestly didn't think it would be this long. I am so sorry. But I am the Event Chair of a Relay For Life event, and every time I logged onto my computer to type this, I had emails bombarding me with questions about the event, so that took priority. But, I'm back with a vengeance. I hope you all like this chapter. It's VERY angsty.

Rachel tentatively knocked on Finn's apartment door, worrying her lip while she waited for him to answer. They hadn't left things on the best of terms two months ago and she was nervous to see her brother for the first time since the fight he had with Puck. Thankfully though, Puck hadn't kicked Finn out of the apartment, yet; but Rachel always felt that it was right around the corner and Finn would do something to piss Puck off enough that he decided that Finn needed to find his own place.

"I'll be with Evans for a few hours at the gym while you talk with Finn, but if you need me to come get you sooner, just let me know. I promise I'll be here as fast as I can, okay?" Puck looked at Rachel while they were waiting for Finn to answer the door.

"Yes Noah," Rachel sighed in exasperation, "You've only told me at least ten times during the ride over here."

"I just want to make sure you know that you don't have to stay here any longer than you have to," Puck reminded her gently.

"He's my brother Noah. I have to make up with him at some point. And with the way Jesse's been quiet these past few months, I get the feeling he's planning something and I would like to make up with Finn sooner rather than later."

…***...***...***

Finn and Rachel sat on the couch laughing at some random movie on TV, eating popcorn and drinking soda like they were kids again. "I've missed this," Rachel admitted quietly.

Finn nodded absentmindedly, paying more attention to The Hangover than what his sister was saying. "Mhm Rach. Me too."

Rachel huffed in annoyance at her brother and turned the TV off before whacking him upside the head. "Finn Archibald Berry, I am trying to have a conversation with you, and you're more interested in some asinine movie about a bunch of Neanderthals in Las Vegas for a bachelor party. Why did I even come over today? I could have just stayed at home when Noah was at the gym, but no I decided to come over here to spend time with you and make up with you. You're my brother and it hurts that we haven't talked at all in four or five months it seems like. You haven't asked how I've been, how I've been coping, what's been going on with Jesse, nothing! You've just been sitting on this couch like its nothing watching barbaric things on TV that you know I don't like. Ugh, you frustrate me so much sometimes Finn. I can't take it. When will you just be my brother again?

"I want so badly for you to just be my brother again and not this stranger that you've somehow turned into over the past few years. Not weeks or months Finn, but years. Since everything happened, you haven't been the same. I get that you feel guilty because he was your best friend. But have you ever thought of how sad and hurt it makes me that you pulled away from me when I needed you most. I needed my brother, and you weren't there for me. No one was really ever there for me. Sure, Quinn was around, but she never really liked me, and Kurt was more concerned with his boyfriend, and that was perfectly fine. But the person who was supposed to protect me, comfort me, be there for me; he just up and left one day and never looked back."

Finn stared at Rachel for a few moments, dumbfounded before he responded, "It's not like you've tried any better Rachel. You moved here, kept yourself secluded and then when you finally managed to open up it was to Puck. He is the only one you've let in, and if you ask me, he's the reason that our relationship is so strained right now. Don't you see how he's controlling what you do? He decided that the two of you were going to get your own place. He decided that the two of you were going to Connecticut. He decided that you needed a cell phone so he could call you when he wanted to check up on you. He was the one who wanted you to go to Thanksgiving at his parents' house. He was the one to take you to that stupid party in Westerly. Do you remember that Rachel? Because I do, and I remember you saying that you hated him. Do you remember any of this, or am I just making everything up? None of us thought that you getting involved with him was a good idea. How does that make you feel? No one in your life supported the idea of your relationship before it started. Now, Dad and Daddy only like him because he has the means to make Jesse go away. You need your number changed; Puck can do that for you. You need someone to get Jesse put away again, Puck can pay for any lawyer that money could buy. God, you're being so stupid Rachel, and I don't get it. He's changing you so much. Sure, you might think you're making all the decisions, but are you really, or are you just going along with the ideas that he has planted in your head?"

Not saying a single word, Rachel stalked across the room bringing her hand up and swinging. A resounding smack was heard around the room. "How dare you?!" Rachel was still trying to process everything Finn had said, "I cannot believe those words came out of your mouth, if Noah is so controlling then what do you call what Jesse was, because last time I checked Noah never told me what I could and couldn't eat. Noah doesn't tell me I can't talk to my friends or my parents. Noah doesn't tell me when we're going out and what to wear. You know who did do those things, Finn? Jesse did all those things, and more. He did so many things to me that I don't want you to know about because I know what would happen if you did know. I wouldn't be coming to visit you at your apartment; I'd be visiting you in jail. There is not one doubt in my mind that you would murder Jesse if you knew half of the things he said to me, not to mention all of the things he did to me over our relationship.

"Has it ever occurred to you once, that I haven't opened up to you, or talked to you about things because I am trying to protect you as much as you always tried to protect me? You're my brother Finn, and I love you. I don't want you to have to know about the hell that I lived, because you will blame yourself even though you did nothing wrong. Do you really think that I would let myself be put into that situation again? I'm not excusing all of the things that Noah has done in the past, and he knows that he's made mistakes, but those mistakes are nothing compared to everything that Jesse put me through." Rachel roughly wiped the tears that were falling down her face, before stalking over to the front door. "By the way, I just want you to know that I'm going to Westerly again, the reading of Noah's Nana's will is in a few days. And by the way, it was my choice." With that, Rachel wretched opened the door, and was startled at who was standing on the other side.

"Wanna tell me what's going on in there, Rach," Sam asked, looking down at the petite brunette who had tear stains on her face.

"Sam," Rachel said softly, shocked to see him and not Noah, even though she was secretly relieved, "What are you doing here?"

"Puck wanted to go let Pixie out, so he sent me to get you. Now, why don't you answer my question? What was going on with Finn?" Sam crossed his arms and glared over Rachel's head at his friend.

Before Rachel could open her mouth to reply, Finn spoke up, "Nothing, Evans. Rachel and I were just talking. Isn't that right, Rach?"

"Ye-yeah," Rachel stuttered out timidly, "We were just talking," she said quietly, hanging her head and refusing to make eye contact with Sam or Finn.

Sam sighed, knowing that wasn't the full story, but that he'd get the truth out of Rachel once they were out of Finn's presence. "Okay, well, we should probably get going, Rachel. Puck wants to go over a couple of things with you."

…***...***...***

Jesse POV

Three months I've been out of jail. Three months of freedom after two years in jail thanks to that little bitch, Jesse thought as he stood in a crowd across the street from where Finn lived, watching as Rachel left with some blond guy, Sam, he thought was the guys name. Lighting up another cigarette, he took a long drag before flicking the ashes on the ground, ignoring the ashtray that was on top of the garbage bin right next to him. He had been laying low for the past few weeks, letting Rachel get adjusted to her new life. He wanted her to be comfortable, and not be looking over her shoulder every five seconds before he decided to attack. Don't worry princess, you won't even know what hit you until it's too late, he laughed to himself before following Rachel and Sam down the road towards her new apartment. It was a nice place, large, spacious, and very easy to get into with the fire escape and lack of security at the front door. As Jesse stealthily followed Rachel, he thought back to his time right out of jail, and how easy he found it to get a hold of Rachel's new phone number. Jesse had knocked on a door that he never thought he would in his entire life. As he waited for the door to open, he plastered on his best smile, and smoothed out his shirt. If he wanted the information on Rachel he needed, he would have to make Quinn Fabray believe that he had changed his ways. Once Quinn opened the door and quickly masked her look of shock with a polite smile, he knew that it was go time. "Quinn Fabray, aren't you looking lovelier than ever. I know what I did to Rachel was horrible and wrong, and you have no reason to hear me out, but I would really like to apologize to her. Would you be willing to give me her cell phone number? It was that simple, a little bit of smiling and charming the captain of the Cheerio's, and he had everything he needed to know about Rachel. Jesse had her phone number, the name of her boyfriend, the knowledge that her and Finn were not on good terms right now, and he even knew what Rachel's plans were for the next few months…

…***...***...***

Rachel POV

"So, Rachel, do you want to tell me what really happened with Finn. I heard you yelling at him," Sam asked gently, looking down at the brunette next to him who had somehow become one of his best friends.

Rachel shook her head slightly, "Nothing happened Sam. Like Finn said, we were just talking. That's all. He actually brought up some pretty good points about Noah and my relationship with him. He does make a lot of suggestions as to when we should go visit his family, and it was his idea to get me a cell phone that way he can get in touch with me. I don't use the thing for much else besides talking to him. Really, since Noah and I started dating, things with Finn have been strained and I haven't talked to my father's since that awful couple of days in Lima. Maybe Finn's right. I'm letting myself get sucked back into the same things as before. This is how it started with Jesse. It seemed innocent enough at first, and then before I knew it, I was isolated from everything and everyone I loved. I mean, I've already moved in with Noah, and now I'm getting ready to go back to Westerly with him for the reading of a will belonging to someone I only met once? Is this all going too fast, am I crazy? Oh god, Finn was right. I'm being naive and silly. I let a few kind gestures totally blind me to what was right in front of me.

"He has broken his promise to me on so many occasions about not drinking anymore, and he took me to that god awful party even though he knew I didn't want to go," Rachel roughly wiped the tears off of her face and looked up at Sam, "Why did we stop?"

Sam frowned at Rachel and gently pulled her into his arms, "I am going to kill your brother," he growled, "For putting the idiotic thoughts in your head in the first place. Obviously Puck isn't perfect, but he's trying, Rach. You should have heard him today, he was feeling so guilty because he knows that since you two got together you and Finn haven't been that close, and he hates that you haven't talked to your parents. He even asked me if bringing you to Westerly was a good idea, he thought that you might want some more time with Finn to work things out. Puck loves you Rachel, and every time he does something that makes you upset he just about beats himself up over it. All he wants is for you to be happy."

Rachel sniffled a little bit and nodded her head against Sam's chest, "You're right. I know you're right. I just can't help but feel a little bit…" Rachel trailed off, trying to find the word she was looking for, "Overwhelmed. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I went from having no contact with men besides my father's for two years, to moving in with my brother and dating his roommate in the matter of a few months. This is all just making my head spin, and I feel like I'm not in control of anything anymore."

"Then you need to tell Puck that."

"He'll be mad at me," Rachel mumbled, pushing away from Sam.

"Rachel Berry, he will not be mad at you. I promise." Sam gently grabbed her wrist and tugged her in the direction of her apartment. "And if he does get mad at you, just let me know, and I'll knock some sense into him for you."

…***...***...***

"Noah," Rachel called, walking into the apartment and tossing her keys on the side table, "I'm home. I need to talk to you about a few things, and I know you wanted to talk to me." Not hearing a response, she moved briskly to the bedroom, where Puck was packing, with headphones in his ears. "Noah," Rachel said a little louder, tapping on his shoulder when he didn't respond.

Puck jumped up in surprise and whirled around at someone touching him. "Oh, hey babe," he pulled the headphones out of his ears and smiled at Rachel, "What's up? Did you have a good time with Finn today?"

Rachel looked down at the floor and scuffed her shoe on the throw rug before shaking her head minutely, "No, not really," she said in a small, quiet voice, trying to hold back tears, "We got into a fight."

"About what," Puck asked gently, even though he already knew the answer.

"You." Rachel sat on the bed at stared at her hands. "He-he was try-trying to tell me all the reasons you weren't right for me. He pointed out similarities to Je-"

Puck shook his head and stared at Rachel, still standing, "If he compared me to that low-life scumbag," he ground out, cutting Rachel off.

Rachel nodded her head, refusing to meet Puck's eyes. "He did. I told him he was wrong, but I don't know Noah, he brought up some good points. There are a lot of things we need to talk about and honestly I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by everything right now."

"Babe," Puck said gently, kneeling in front of Rachel and taking her hands in his, "You and me, we're in this together. You can talk to me about anything, no matter what."

Rachel looked up tentatively meeting Puck's eyes. "Promise you won't get mad at me?"

Puck nodded, "Promise. Nothing you could ever say to me would make me mad at you."

Rachel took a deep breath and steeled herself for what she was about to say, "I'm really afraid that I'm not making enough of my own choices. I love you, and I love that we're living together, but I didn't really have a say in it, just like I didn't have a say in going to Connecticut, or getting a cell phone. I haven't ever been allowed to make decisions concerning my life, and I know you're not doing it on purpose, and part of it is probably my fault anyways for not telling you how I was feeling earlier, but I'm scared, Noah. I'm not scared of you, I don't think I ever really could be, but I think with your concern of trying to make me happy has others worried about me which is making me unhappy."

Puck stared at Rachel, taking in her words, "I never wanted that to happen. Ever. If you don't want to come with me to Westerly, and stay here, that's fine. I never want you, or anyone else, to think I'm taking choices away from you. And if you think I ever do that, please tell me. You're the most important person in my life. I know I don't say it as much as I should, but I love you, Rachel, and I always will." He crushed her to his chest and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you too, Noah. Thank you for always listening to me and actually hearing what I say. You're perfect."

A/N: And…exhale. The title comes from "Wasting All These Tears" by Casadee Pope, and of course I had to listen to "Fix You" by Coldplay as well as "The Scientist" by Coldplay and "Mean To Me" by Brett Eldridge was the song I was listening to during Puck's little speech. If you haven't heard it, go listen. It's perfect. Please let me know what you think. Next chapter you get to go back to Westerly and there may be a surprise in there…