Defeated

Certainty was what he hoped to find at that time. He found it increasingly difficult to control his feelings for her. When they were in the fade to face the nightmare demon, he told the others that Fear is one of the oldest spirits, second only to Desire.

Despite everything he knew, it was these two feelings that tormented him day by day .

Every time he saw her he wanted to pull her just into his arms, to kiss her and at the same time to lose himself in the joy he would feel. Simultaneously he was afraid to finally lose her.

But there was no common future for them.

Soon she would probably hate him for what he would do. The desire for this private conversation was his last desperate try to admit his feelings for Ellana as a simple crush. To hope that everything he saw in her and loved, only by the changes which the anchor must have applied existed.

* It was so stupid to believe, I could control my feelings. This evening on the balcony would have been the moment to stop it before it really began. But I was too weak... * Sadness and bitterness filled Solas by these thoughts.

She went with him on the balcony. * Vhenan * He suddenly wished that he would not just watch, rather that he could once again get the feeling to hold her in his arms, like he did it on this evening.

" What where you like before the anchor? " he asked, Ellana looked on her hand with the mark.

" Has it affected you? Changed you in any way? Your mind, your moral, your...spirit? " You could almost see that he was trying to find something about her that only exist because of the anchor.

„ I don't believe so. " she answered. He sighed, disappointment was marked on his face.

It was not the answer he was hoping for, Ellana looked at him with concern.

„ Why do you ask? " Solas couldn't watch into her face too much was his head buzzing.

„ You show a wisdom i have not seen since...since my deepest journeys into the ancient memories of the fade. You are not what i expected. " He looked at her.

„ What have i done thats so surprising? " She did not understand what he was getting on with his questions and the concerns, which was written on his face, did not help either. „ You have shown subtlety in your actions. A wisdom goes against everything i expected. If the Dalish could raise someone with a spirit like yours, could I have misjudged them? "

He was certain of nothing more, except with one fact...it didn't was a simple crush he felt for her, she has been always like this, even before the anchor. Would he have met her before all of this began, it wouldn't be different, but it might have taken a different ending. He should not let go, do not give in, do not desire her. Her voice brought him back to the now.

„ Most of the Dalish care more about impressing other hunters with a shot or talking about how awful humans are. There are only a few who seem to care about the old ways. " Something sad was in her voice.

„ Perhaps that is it. I suppose it must be. Must people act with a so little unterstanding of the world, but not you." „ So what does this mean Solas? " Ellana wanted to know where this conversation should lead to.

„ It mean that i have not forgotten the kiss. "

„ Good. " She came closer to him, her hands behind her back. She looked up at him, expecting a response from him.

Solas struggled with himself. He would only need to pull her into his arms. She stood full of expectation in front of him, the light of the setting sun enveloped her. He nearly become weak, she was so close to him. But he shook his head and turned away from her. He had to get away from her before it was too late.

Ellana grabbed his arm when he wanted to go, he felt her hand on his arm.

„ Don't go. " she asked him...

„ It would be kinder in the long run. " One last try to be strong, but he failed.

„ But losing you would... " when talk Solas turned, grabbed her hips and pulled her to him and kissed her. He held her, pressed her so closely he could, but he loosened his arms around her and withdrew from her lips.

"Ar lath ma, Vhenan " Solas turned away and went inside.

Oh yes he loved her. She was his heart. She was everything he had ever wished for as a woman.

She was his punishment. In his long life he had never felt a love for someone, like for her.

He loved, admired and desired her. At the same time he saw in her after such a long time, an elf as he remembered them and how he wanted the rest of their people too be.

But he was to blame for everything that had happened to her after the conclave. If she would find out it sometime, she would hate him. He knew for sure. Pain reflected on his face as he walked away from her. It wasn't right to go after he had given her so a confession. But would he yet stay he would,at least for this night, not get away from her.

Ellana leaned with a smile on her balcony door, looked after him. When she realized that he did not just only went inside, but wanted to leave her chamber, she could not help. She ran to him and hugged his waist from behind.

* Wait, what is this? She has not stopped me at that time! I left and tried unsuccessfully to sleep... *

he did not understand what was going on there. Again he heard the whisper * ...remember... * was all he could understand. * Remember? At what? That's never happened! * a sharp pain ran through his head. Never had such a thing happened in his dreams. When the pain stops he saw himself still standing in her chamber and be hugged from her.

„ Solas, it is not fair to go on, without giving me a chance to reply. " She buried her head in the fabric of his robe. He was frozen. He never would have expected that she would stop him, even if he had wished for it deep inside.

„ Vhenan, you don't need to feel compelled to reply something. I just wanted you to know how important you are to me. " His self control was crumbling. Not much was missing and he would tear her back into his arms. Only this time he could not withdraw from her again.

Hope, yes, he could only hope, that she would let him go to think about his words.

„ I love you, Solas. Look at me. Don't go away, please. " Another mistake. When she told, he looked at her. When she asked him not to leave he already saw her in the eyes...His resistance was crumbling more and more.

She did not wait for an answer, but wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing herself against him and kissed him. For Solas it was as he would get struck by a lighting. The last resistance was gone.

This kiss was different. The kiss gave him a promise of love, joy, passion and desire.

He was willing to respond to it because he loved her and he wanted her. And at that moment it was all that was important to him.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter, i try to post a new one every week. When my work allow it. xD

And thanks to blackkitsue, demisses and jessica jean for putting the story on to your favorite list. :)