Chapter 10

"They were ready for us," Voldemort said in a deadly calm voice. For him, that was worse than screaming. I leaned back against the wall, trying to catch my breath. All of the Death Eaters that had gone on the mission were, in various states of injury, surrounding Voldemort.

Icy cold fear gripped my heart as he turned, deliberately and slowly, toward Macnair and me.

"Crucio," he said softly, just as if introducing himself.

Macnair crumpled to the ground, screaming horribly. His back arched up, all his muscles taut, the scream being drawn out of him forcefully. It was impossible to watch this scene of agony, yet I couldn't tear my gaze away. I just stared, wide-eyed, unable to help, joints frozen into place.

Voldemort finally relented, and I realized with a start all of my own muscles were clenched, my jaw shut tight to hold in a scream of my own.

I was next.

"Now, Legimens," Voldemort continued. No Death Eater made a move to help their own. To do so would be death.

He held eye contact with Macnair, whose breathing was shallow and rapid. Blood was trickling down his nose, maybe from falling so fast to the floor. Maybe from the intense pain.

"Not you," he stroked his wand possessively. "For your own sake, Susanna Lazaraith, I hope it was not you, as well," his thick, black waves were slightly askew.

"CRUCIO!" Searing flames were engulfing my body, burning slowly, unrelenting-tears were squeezing themselves through my eyes, and I was curling into myself, trying to get away from the crushing, gripping, pain, of which there was no refuge.

And it stopped I found myself looking up at the ceiling and wondering how I had gotten on the floor. Breathing hurt.

Voldemort's mouth moved, but no sound came out. I had been staring down at his wand, but now my gaze was moving irrevocably up to his eyes, some unseen force was pulling them up-maybe it was the aftereffects of the Cruciatus Curse, but they looked pure red. Everything was moving slowly, what my eyes were processing was only waves of color. I was underwater.

In my mind's eye, I saw myself. I dissaparated, and the images blurred forward, together, until Macnair and I entered the forest.

I was seeing what Voldemort was seeing. He was reading my mind.

I was barely conscious enough to hope with all my might that Dumbledore's mind protection extended to cover up what I had done with the patronus. I knew if Voldemort saw it, I was in no state to fight back. With one flick of the wand I'd be dead and tossed out.

Unless he decided to torture me first.

But the memory of my doe patronus was neatly skipped over. Instead, I was seen simply standing behind Macnair, looking back every few seconds and yawning once. Completely innocent. Dumbledore's protection was extremely potent. I owed him my life many times over.

"I must say, Susanna, I am pleasantly surprised," Voldemort announced in a tinny voice, sounding like it was coming from far away, down a tunnel. Maybe it was still just my disoriented senses. "I had high hopes for you joining the ranks of Death Eaters."

He swept away, completely casual, as if he hadn't just tortured two human beings.

I looked over to Macnair who was laying towards me, several feet away.

I didn't know if there was any sort of friendship or alliance here, in the most evil of places; maybe the look that we shared was nothing but the acknowledgement of shared pain. But our eyes met, and for a moment I didn't see him as my enemy.

Sleep came in fragmented bits that night, and my dreams were restless. I was pulled into the lull of unconsciousness when it came, unable to wake, though I tossed and turned insistently. And when I woke, the dreams continued. I'm sure I screamed more than once, but no one came.

"James, what are you doing in here?"

The first dream was the most painful. James was standing at the door, looking at me sadly, wearing the same clothes he had been in last time I had seen him.

"I'm here to get you out, Lily!" He said excitedly in a hushed whisper.

"I can't," I stayed in place. "I have to do my duty. Besides, this is a dream."

"It's a dream, so you can come, then. You'll still be in the same place in the morning," James assured me, stretching out his hand. "Look at yourself."

I stood on trembling legs, my body feeling oddly familiar, like I had stepped out of a pair of new, uncomfortable shoes and into my softest pair of socks.

I walked slowly to the mirror, my red hair the first thing registering in the dark room-it was me! I was me again! I stepped closer, and closer, until my nose was almost touching the glass. I opened my eyes wide, taking in the greenness and my freckles. I was me again, if only in a dream.

I blinked hard, and my eyes opened-I was back in my bed, sheets twisted furiously around my legs and waist as if they held me captive. I had broken out in a cold sweat, and my heart was pounding furiously. At first, I didn't recall my dream.

"Oh!" I blurted, then clamping my hands over my mouth. Susanna's hands. I remembered the dream now-I clamped my eyelids over my eyes, determined to get back to sleep-to see James's face. My body was sore and pained like I had spent all day being churned in a barrel full of nails. Pins and needles wracked my hands and feet, more effects from the torture curse, but they faded once my eyes stayed closed of their own accord.

"See, Flower?" James was by the mirror with me now, grinning in the background. "You're you again."

"Come on Potter, we haven't got much time, we've got to go!" I grabbed his arm, leaving the room in a burst of excitement. We tore down the hall, the house oddly empty.

"Where is everyone else?" I asked in a hushed whisper. I don't remember my reaching for James's hand, but suddenly he held it in a tight grip. I felt safer now.

"Sirius and Marlene have taken care of them," he offered me a humorous smile. "They're all tied up on the roof, and so is Voldemort, they've put him in a dress," he announced with a grin, and we roared with laughter. "I've missed you, Lily."

"I miss you too, James," I whispered, so caught up in the incredible detail of the pain-induced dream that I didn't use the correct tense. His brow furrowed, but only for a moment.

We walked right out of the house into the night, the air cool and fresh. The house behind us was completely black, the windows gaping holes like the closed eyes of a monster.

"Lily!" A pair of arms grabbed me from behind, and Marlene crushed me in a suffocating hug.

"Can't-breathe!" I gasped, laughing at the same time, and hugging her back. She pulled away, eyes twinkling, and opening the front door, revealing four broomsticks eagerly levitating, awaiting our flight.

"Evans!" Sirius bellowed, throwing his arms around me, picking me up off the ground, and swinging my legs from side to side.

"Missed you too, Sirius," I laughed, remembering to use the past tense this time. Dreams were real while you were in them.

"Alright, let's get on now-haven't forgotten how to ride now, have you Lily?" James teased, jumping on his own broom.

"I don't believe so," I rolled my eyes.

"Remus is waiting back in Greece, and so are your parents and Petunia. They all wanted to come and see you again," Marlene told me excitedly as we kicked off, the cool air of the night blowing through my hair and clothes as we rose. I turned back, glimpsing many dark huddled figures together on the roof of the safe house, one in a frilly pink dress standing out the most. I turned away, laughing, and not looking back.

"Whooo!" I whooped with joy, closing my eyes and grinning into the wind. I dipped into a front spiral, holding on with only my legs, something I never would have attempted in real life.

"Nice one, Lily!" Sirius sped by, flying upside down, legs and arms wrapped around the top of the broom.

I woke up once more, the pillow damp with tears of longing. I was Susanna again. And I would be, indefinitely. I strained to get out of Susanna's body, longing to return to my own life. But it was like trying to catch something that had already fallen.

Or grasping for something that was already gone.

The room was darker than it had been in my dream. I looked at my hands, still the too thin, bony fingers and wrists of Susanna. I would never grow used to them.

Six Months Later-January

"Susanna, welcome," Voldemort beckoned me into the room. The table full of Death Eaters looked at me, some smiling slightly-I started to panic. Not a good sign.

A giant python of Voldemort's slithered right in front of my feet. But I had grown used to his scaly beasts, and merely stepped over it, Death Eater robes brushing his slimy back. As of late, I had begun to be invited to the Death Eater's meetings. They were highly unpleasant, but I had become talented at restraining my tears.

All of these meetings, and not one mention, not one rumor had been whispered about attacking Hogwarts and the surrounding area. And I was a Death Eater, officially. But my inner left forearm was bare. Something I was glad of. But as always, I didn't appreciate the blank paleness of the skin until it was gone.

"Thank you, my lord," I spoke confidently, channeling the power of Susanna's voice. My eyes skipped over the other inhabitants of the table, going straight to Voldemort.

"I suppose you are wondering by now why you were invited late to this meeting," he prodded, sweeping his hand to a vacant chair at his left which I unwillingly took. I did a double take when I grew closer to him-his features looked-waxy, almost, and blurred in the slightest. And his eyes had taken on a permanent red tint, although they weren't completely red unless he was angry.

"We have been discussing security measures for tonight, we are going to be attacked," he said softly, and a murmur of consent rippled around the table. Something about this whole setup seemed-different. It was strange. Starting from the smiles I received when I walked in-something was different. Why would they be hiding smiles if we were going to be attacked?

"By whom, my Lord?" I rested my back against the back of the chair, holding my head high.

"You shall see, Susanna. Would you like to join in now, as we discuss the plan?" he asked politely. But he wasn't asking. He was actually saying, you will stay and discuss, or I will kill you. That's how it was.

"Yes, my Lord."

I struggled not to strangle him.

That night I had difficulty falling asleep. If I were back in my muggle home, I would have listened to music, primarily. I missed music. I hadn't heard a note in months. I wanted to hear Elvis crooning, he was my favorite. I began to hum "Jailhouse Rock" under my breath, voice cracking as I tried not to cry.

I was becoming depressed, no matter how hard I tried to keep my mental health up and my spirits high. I couldn't function in this level of darkness for prolonged periods of times, and I was losing myself.

But there was something off about Voldemort's meeting. More precisely, the way the Death Eaters had been behaving at the meeting. They had not seemed very concerned for a group of people whose hiding place was about to be revealed, though Voldemort remained impassive as always.

I turned to face the wall as I grew uncomfortable facing the center of my room, the darkness boring into my eyes. I had the oddest feeling that someone was watching me.

I didn't remember falling asleep.

But consciousness finally lost its grip on me, and suddenly, Dumbledore was right before my eyes-sitting in his desk. I was looking across at him just like I was sitting in the chair on the other side.

"Hello," I beamed at him, happy to have another dream where I could see people that I need to know.

"Hello, Lily. You are doing extremely well. Voldemort trusts you, and you have not made enemies among the Death Eaters. And you have held onto your sanity very nicely," Dumbledore smiled at me over his glasses.

"This is a very realistic dream," I commented, standing up and realizing-I was myself again. Lily. I did a little spin, holding my hair up so I could see it, looking down at my body, my hands, with delight. "I'm almost eighteen," I murmured suddenly. It was true. Two more weeks until January 30th.

"What you are experiencing is realistic because of one simple fact. Would you like to know what that is, Lily?"

"Yes, sir," I smiled again, wanting to hold onto the dream as long as possible.

"This is real."

"Wha-" I stopped my spinning. "What do you mean, this is real?"

"Oh, you may keep spinning, Miss Evans," Dumbledore's bright blue eyes twinkled at me. "I find it very satisfying that you are still able to feel happiness after all these months of darkness...although you are not done yet."

I didn't want to contradict him. If he believed I could still feel happiness, fine. I would let him think that. My heart still felt heavier than a rock and I doubted I would ever be the person I once was.

Unless you forgot, a tiny voice whispered in my head. And Dumbledore said you would…"But this...this is in my head, isn't it?" I furrowed my brow.

"Of course it is in your head! But why on earth would that make it any less real?" Dumbledore said cryptically.

"So...I'm really in your office, then?"

"A figment of your mind is. That is why you appear as yourself. If anyone were to enter your room at this time, they would see a sleeping Susanna. Nothing more. But, there is a reason I have called you here, Lily."

"What is that, sir?"

"You are about to be initiated into Voldemort's inner circle, entrusted with his confidence. In other words...you are quickly approaching the date in which you will receive the Dark Mark."

"I-oh," I said simply.

"And you need to prepare."

"Prepare? For the pain?" I asked. I knew it would hurt-it would be, after all, burning the symbol into my inner arm-but I had been tortured before. Why would Dumbledore bring me here to prepare me for pain?

"The most powerful wizards," Dumbledore began, looking at me intently. His auburn hair seemed to have frosted over a bit more since the last time I'd seen him. "Can produce stunningly detailed illusions of the mind. Voldemort possesses this ability, Miss Evans. Can you think of how this pertains to you?"

I thought. It must have something to do with the initiation. "That's how he's going to test me."

"That is correct. You will have an advantage, because you and Susanna are not the same-you did not have the same past, and you do not care for the same people. But still, it will be almost impossible to tell the beginning of the illusion. But let me tell you what to expect."

"Alright, sir."

"Voldemort will make you see the people you-or, more accurately, Susanna, cares about. He will make it appear as though these people are attacking himself. And you must kill them before they get to your master, no matter what."

"That-that's terrible!" I cried out. "Even if it's not real!"

"Yes, it is. And as Susanna never made it past the stages of infancy, as you know, her entire past has been illustrated by me. As you also know. As have the people in her past. You will likely see what I have created to be her dead husband, her dead parents, her best friends-it will make no difference that they are dead. You are merely shutting down holograms."

"But will I know it's an illusion?" Horror grew on me. I was actually going to have to…I wasn't sure I could handle this. It might push me over the edge completely, killing people…even though it wasn't really murder, and the people hadn't really ever existed. But still.

I couldn't wrap my brain around the thought, I couldn't process the depth of what I was being asked to do.

"You will, because I have prepared you, and because you know the people that you see will not actually be real. This is your advantage. You must kill the illusions, thus proving yourself to Voldemort. You must not falter," Dumbledore said solemnly.

"I won't," I promised. How realistic could it possibly be? "Is this how all Death Eaters are tested?" I asked.

"No, he has tests that vary," Dumbledore answered vaguely. "And now," he continued, steepling his fingers. "How is your emotional state holding up? I regret that I cannot offer you physical protection against the painful things that this world brings to you," his eyes turned sad, and I realized that he knew I had been tortured. I lowered my eyes.

"That's alright. It's worth it to save so many lives. If you hadn't protected my mind when he used Legimency, and when he asked me questions, I would have met a much more terrible fate."

"Wisely spoken."

"Thank you. And to answer your question...I've been holding up well, I guess. Kind of. I've been doing menial things, organizational things to keep my mind of the darkness, like-like keeping track of the moon phases, looking at it every night. And imagining what my friends and family would say if they were there with me," I admitted.

"Very clever," he nodded his head. "Continuing with the small tasks that graft you to your old life can keep a soul from slipping away," he said a bit sadly. "Do you regret your decision, Lily?"

I stopped myself from answering right away. I was miserable, yes. I missed everyone I loved terribly, I missed my old life, my old body-I truly didn't know what I had until my role was reversed. But did I regret it? "No," I said truthfully. "I don't. I just imagine the people I'm saving...and it's alright."

"Well spoken, Miss Evans."

"Professor..." I stopped myself, suddenly shy.

"Yes?" he smiled slightly, like he knew I was about to make in impossible request.

"Is there-is there any way I...could...you know, see my friends, or anything...like that?" I finished awkwardly, returning to my chair and crossing my legs firmly.

"I'm afraid not, Lily. I would like nothing more. But to do so would mean going through the process of re-adjusting to the darkness of Susanna's life all over again. It would be like ripping off a very much-needed callus," he said sadly. "The only reason I called you to my office was because it was absolutely necessary, and even with this one visit, I'm sure you'll find yourself wondering if you will see me again every night before you fall asleep," he said apologetically. "And for that, I am deeply sorry. Stay strong, Lily," he stood up.

"I have one more question," I blurted quickly.

"What is that, Miss Evans?"

"If I stop the Death Eaters once...who's to say they won't try again?" Dumbledore shook his head.

"That is not how the Death Eaters think. If Voldemort is humiliated into a defeat once-because, for him, that is the most horrible thing to experience-defeat. And especially by someone he trusted. He will not try again. Nor will the Death Eaters want to. At least, not for many, many years, if at all." I nodded silently.

"Do I have to go now?" I stalled.

"I'm afraid so," he nodded.

"Goodbye, Professor," I said sadly.

"Goodbye, Lily. We shall meet again someday, and not just like this," he gestured around us. "Keep hold of memories. Stay strong," he advised.

I nodded, taking a deep breath. The office began to blur, fading from my sight until it was nothing but a smudge on the back of my eyelids when I opened my eyes again, settling into the sight of my dark room once more.

I pulled my left arm from under the thin quilt, running my thumb over the unmarked skin of my inner forearm.

Wondering what it would look like with a Dark Mark.

Kind of a dark chapter. But there is light at the end of the tunnel! Not in the death sense though, but in the sense that there are lighter days ahead. :D

Review please? :D My birthday is coming up!

-C