Chapter 29 A Yellow Nursery
Oh, if you're hearing this, I must have made it through...when the clouds are burned, open up my window, I see the sky's still blue -Andrew Belle "Sky's Still Blue"
Six Months Later
James and I had been married for six beautiful months. They were honestly the happiest of my life-Voldemort didn't even seem to exist. Most of the time. We only thought about him when we had to, which meant during Order of the Phoenix meetings, and fighting Death Eaters. So, other than that, and the death of my aunt Odette to cancer (I now had absolutely no blood relatives besides my immediate family, a disturbing thing)-completely joyful.
Except, for Merlin's sake, we could not, for the life of us, get the stupid little indicator on the muggle pregnancy tester to turn from a disappointing little negative sign to a plus!
"Nothing," I sighed, referring to the tester (which was now broken in half and in the garbage can, thank you very much) coming out of the bathroom and throwing myself down on the bed. Both James and I were in auror training, and our payroll together could maybe pay for the bathroom of the place we were living in now. We were living off of the gold James's parents had left him, and although that was supposed to be for after they died, you couldn't really get a better opportunity to use the gold than this. So we currently resided in a small house in the countryside, outside of London.
"Don't worry," James said reassuringly, putting his arms around me tenderly and kissing my cheek. "We'll keep trying, darling." And we had been-and maybe it didn't seem like that big of a deal, but it was just so-discouraging. And it was me, not James. I had even been warned. "Should we do the chanting ritual again tonight?" He said, half-serious.
"I don't think that worked," I laughed, remembering the crazy dancing around we did, chanting completely nonsense with some sort of potion smeared all around the room-"It took weeks to get the potion off the walls," I complained. We had every book on planning a pregnancy from some sort of ritualistic chanting to scientific "planning with your cycle." They both worked like crap.
"Gave us a laugh afterwords, though," James grinned. "At least we're making memories to tell the grandkids." I let out a hearty laugh-
"What would I do without you?" I sighed, shaking my head and kissing him again.
"Probably go insane," he said, eyes twinkling behind his glasses.
"Oh, don't sound so smug, you'd do the same," I teased, batting his arm. "Up, up, up! We've got to go to Marlene's and borrow that book she found-remember the one she said her third cousin's half-sister's aunt used? She said it worked!" I told him excitedly.
"Run that past me one more time?" He said as I pulled him up with both hands.
"Third cousin's half sister's aunt. Obviously," I rolled my eyes playfully.
"Don't make me come after you for that," James said, grabbing me around the waist and spinning me.
"I wouldn't be scared of that threat even if you could catch me," I said airily, twirling and dancing out of his grasp. He growled and lunged after me, laughing and chasing me throughout the house. I threw his invisibility cloak over me, grabbing it from the peg behind the door-he ran right past me and stopped.
"Lily?" He called, looking around and right through me. "Where'd you go?"
"Right here!" I yelled, jumping out and putting my hands on his shoulders.
"AHHH!" He yelped, jumping out of his skin.
"Ah-you should have seen your face!" I cried, jumping up and wrapping my legs around his torso, resting my forehead on his as we twirled.
"Hilarious, I bet," he grinned, kissing me quickly.
"Just picture the time when...let's see..." I paused and thought for a second. "Picture the time how my face looked when you brought home that ridiculous middle-age magic book-which was written by muggles, by the way-to help us get pregnant," I laughed, remembering the thought.
"Ouch," James winced.
"What?" I cried. "It wasn't that bad! And, come on-we've got to go!" I jumped down and we ran through the kitchen, hands entwined. I stopped before grabbing a handful of floo powder and kissed James, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"We're going to have a baby one of these days," I said quietly. "It's going to work."
"This isn't your fault, you know," he promised softly.
"It is, though," I whispered. "Remember what my mum said?"
"So? That doesn't mean it's hereditary. Lily, I would love you if you had antlers, honestly. Besides, we could always adopt," he said, tucking a stand of hair behind my ear before kissing me again.
"Well you do have antlers some of the time," I giggled, reminding him.
"Ouch, ooof-Hello!"
"Ahhh!" I screamed and James yelled-we jumped apart furiously as Sirius stumbled and fell to his knees.
"Ah, bloody hell-I thought you two were going to put a pad there!" Sirius jumped to his feet.
"Sirius, mate," James growled. "Lily and I were having a moment!"
"Oh-my bad," Sirius grinned devilishly.
"You're impossible," I rolled my eyes. "But we've really got to go, Marlene's third cousin's half sister's aunt says she might have something that will work with the pregnancy."
"I'll tell you what," Sirius said. "If I ever have a kid, you and James have got him or her, alright? I don't think I'd be cut out for that sort of thing."
"No offense Padfoot, but really, what's the chance you're going to have a kid?" James asked doubtfully, drawing me to his side. Sirius opened his mouth in protest, but stopped himself and nodded, shrugging.
"Not true!" I lifted a finger. "Sirius, as much as you don't want to admit it or whatever, if you think it's not "macho" enough," I put finger quotes around the word. "You're actually pretty bloody good with kids. Did you see him dancing with Donna and Cooper at the same time at the wedding? Seriously Sirius, it was adorable. I think poor Donna's in love," I said, recalling the little girl's big grin.
Sirius snorted. "She's cute, but she's six. Maybe in ten years or so-"
"Oi!" James punched his arm. "That's my cousin! True, distant cousin, but..."
"Anyway, Sirius, what did you need?" I wondered.
"What?" He looked at me oddly.
"You came here-did you need something?" I asked slowly, raising my eyebrow.
"I was bored," Sirius admitted. "So I cleaned up half of the upstairs and then I collapsed from exhaustion, then came here."
"Get a girlfriend, mate," James clapped him on the back. "Lily and I have got to go pick up a book on pregnancy."
"Good luck," Sirius said, stepping back into the fireplace. "Tell Marlene hi for me."
"Hey, Lily!" Marlene grinned as I caught myself just before falling headfirst into her floor. "Here's the book, I know it looks wonky, but-"
"Whoa, Marlene," James said, stepping over my shoulder and looking at the book. "Stone age Rituliastic Conception? Marlene, what the bloody-"
"And this thing actually worked?" I said, flipping through it and crinkling my nose.
"Hey!" Marlene protested, putting her hands up. "How desperate are you?" She pointed out, walking back and leading us to the apartment of our kitchen.
"Very, but-but why do we need to have the chicken corpses in the room?" James pointed out as we flipped through. "What would that do, anyway?"
"How am I supposed to know?" Marlene shrugged. "Magic."
Four Weeks Later-April, 1979
I closed my eyes, and peeked out at the pregnancy test-I couldn't see anything but eyelashes, so I cracked them open another millimeter.
And I practically dropped the joyous little stick back into the toilet.
"James-James!" I screamed before remembering that he was re-taking a test for his auror training. My hands began to shake-it was a plus. It was a plus-I stopped myself, taking a deep breath. I couldn't let this get out of hand. What if it was a fluke?
So of course I had to test myself seven more times-every single one of the eight ones bore the same sign-a plus. I ran, all the while feeling my stomach, even though I knew it was too early, and floo'd into the Ministry in my pyjamas.
"Erm-good morning, Lily," Frank said, nodding to me. "What are you doing?"
"Frank-Frank, where's James?" I asked, breathless.
"He's up on-wait, Lily, are you alright? Is everything okay?"
"I'm pregnant!" I shrieked, causing several passing witches and wizards to look oddly at me. Flying paper memos littered the air, and I flung my arms around Frank in exuberance.
"That's great!" He shouted, setting me back down and looking a bit scared. "Are you craving anything? Have you been throwing up? Are you feeling emotional?"
"Well I-I threw up this morning. Don't worry, Frank, it's been only about a week. I thought it was a stomach bug at first. Will you show me where James is?"
"Yes, yes-follow me!" Frank shouted, looking around and practically pushing everyone out of my way.
"You know I'm not going into labor, right?"
"Right, right-into the elevator, now, floor-hey! Watch it now, she's pregant!" Frank shouted at a man whose back was turned to us; he had grizzled sandy hair-"Oh, oh, sorry Moody sir, my apologies-"
"Pregnant, you say?" He asked gruffly, his blue eye whirling around in his head, behind him and to the sides as the elevator began to move downward, a cool female voice announcing which floor we would be ascending to.
"Yes, I just found out this morning!" I said excitedly-suddenly I began to feel queasy-"Oh, no-someone, I need a bag-"
I bent over at my waist and retched all over the elevator floor, looking up, ashamed, at Moody and Frank, glad no one else was around.
"Come on, up you go," Moody said gruffly, cleaning the mess with a flick of his wand, and summoning me a cup of water. We stepped out of the elevator and I took the drink with shaky hands.
"Th-thanks," I said, stomach still feeling unsettled. "Sorry about that." I downed the glass in in small swallows, and it disappeared into thin air.
"Lily?" James shouted, jogging toward us when he caught side. "Are you alright? What's happened?"
"James-we're going to have a baby!" I shrieked, jumping into his arms and laughing.
"What?" He cried, wrapping his arms around my waist. "Are you sure?"
"Sure I'm sure!" I grinned. "I tested it eight times!" I heard Moody and Frank give a great snort of laughter behind me, and James threw back his head and laughed as well.
"Of course you did. Oh, Lily, this is incredible!" James yelled much to the dismay of the people around us. "Oi, Arthur!" He yelled to a redheaded man several years older than us. "We're pregnant!"
"Congratulations, both of you!" He broke into a huge grin, shaking both of our hands. "I'm Arthur by the way, Arthur Weasley-"
"I'm Lily Potter," I grinned. "Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too-say, both of you, why don't you come over for dinner tonight? I'll just owl Molly..."
"Are you sure it's not too much trouble?" James asked.
"Absolutely not! I'll go tell her right now-James, you know where the Burrow is-seven, then? The kids are out with their grandparents today."
"Sounds great-see you later!"
Arthur nodded and walked off.
"Did he go to Hogwarts with us?" I wondered.
"No, he graduated before we went into first year. Oh Lily, we're going to be parents!" He laughed, swinging me around.
"I know!"
Several days later, James and I had already started on the nursery-we both agreed we wanted the gender of the baby to be a surprise, so the nursery was light yellow and pastel green with soft-carpeted floors. We painted until the walls were covered, along with our clothes in the process-we hung pictures of lambs, horses, puppies, hippogriffs, kittens, dragons, letter blocks-we went absolutely all out. We had replaced all of the books for before conception with ones with titles similar to "What to Expect When You're Expecting." We were keeping it quiet so far, just in case anything happened. Also, on the night we had gone to Arthur and Molly Weasley's, they'd given us a cat, of which we named Blackjack, because he was, obviously, completely black.
"Are you excited to be a father?" I asked quietly as we curled up on the armchair, probably getting it covered with paint in the process. I rested my head on his shoulder, hands folded over my stomach.
"I really am. Daddy James and Mummy Lily," he chuckled quietly, holding me tight. I had written a letter to tell Petunia-actually, I had written many letters since James's and my wedding, but she had responded to nothing. "Are you?"
"I am," I said solemnly. "You don't think we need an ultrasound yet, do we?"
"No, not yet-it's only been a week and half. Right?"
"You're right, probably. I doubt they would even be able to detect anything. Sometimes they can get a heartbeat around the one and half month point, though!" I said eagerly. "And, I'm not going to be one of those forever angry pregnant women who swear about their husbands and stuff, alright James? Smack me if I do."
"What?" James cried, outraged. "Lily, I would never smack you!"
"You have my permission if I call you a bloody b-"
"No," he said firmly, taking my hands and entwining them with his, folding them over my stomach. "We are going to be the best parents ever," he said giddily, kissing my hair. We were sitting right in a patch of sunlight coming from the window, our miniscule vegetable garden just visible outside. "We should take a break-should you be painting? Maybe you shouldn't be standing so long. Should we get some vegetables? Lily, c'mon, let's go get some vegetables."
"Are you feeling alright?" I wondered, putting a hand to his forehead. "But yes, let's get some vegetables. And I'm not touching chocolate or wine, and I think we should read to the baby, that's what one of the books said," I said as we walked into the kitchen.
"Good idea-smash!" The glass slipped out of my hands and crashed onto the counters. I stared at it for a moment, tears welling up into my eyes. I sniffled once, then burst out crying-
"J-James, I'm so sorry!" I wailed, covering my face, shoulders shaking.
"Lily, what-Lily, it's just a glass! I can fix it in about three seconds!" James said, looking startled as he wrapped his arms around me.
"I-I-but what if I drop the baby like that?" I gasped, sobbing. "Oh, my-James, I think the hormones are starting," I smiled a watery smile, looking in James's eyes.
"I think so too," he chuckled softly. "But I still love you."
"I love you too," I sobbed again. "I'll take some of those tomatoes now."
"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. So the little engine that co-"
"Lily dearest, what are you doing?" James walked into the nursery and knelt beside the chair I was sitting on, my feet propped up as I read to my still-flat stomach.
"I'm reading to little Harry," I said stubbornly. "James, isn't there supposed to be a baby bump by now?" I asked softly, concern evident in my voice. I was two months along, and there was nothing. Neither of our parents knew yet-but Sirius and Marlene had floo'd in just when we were talking about it, but they'd promised not to tell anyone. "What if something's wrong? James, we went in for an ultrasound a few weeks ago and they didn't hear anything. I know what they said, that it's too early to tell, really, but what if-"
"Lily, you just proved it yourself. Remember what the doctor said, it's only about fifty percent of the time you can hear a heartbeat this early. I'm sure it's fine," James said firmly, taking my hands and kissing them. Tears welled up in my eyes.
"But in some of the books, some began to show at two months," I said. "What if I'm going to have a miscarriage?"
"Two months is the extremely early end. Besides, if you do, we'll try again," he whispered, kissing me until I stopped crying.
"When are we going to tell our parents?" He wondered.
"As soon as we can get you a bulletproof vest," I laughed, trying to forget about my concerns.
But by that night, I knew something was wrong. It started with the cramps at dinner, and they didn't go away.
"James," I whispered at midnight-I hadn't fallen asleep yet, just lain awake solemnly. Something was wrong. I could feel it. My cramps had intensified, turning into shooting abdominal pains.
"Mmh?" He mumbled from the other side of the bed, turning over and looking at me with half opened eyes.
"James, I'm in pain," I whispered, and he shot up.
"What hu-" He looked down to his side-it was speckled with blood. My blood. There was a small stain of blood blossoming out from where I was sitting-it wasn't much, but-
"Oh, James, I knew something was wrong," I cried, and James held me.
"We've got-got to get to the healers," he said, taking my hand and picking me up.
"You're in your boxers," I sniffled, resting my head on his chest, feeling oddly cold and disconnected.
"It may not be a miscarriage," he whispered. "But if it is, we'll try again, Lily, I promise. I love you so, so much," he said, squeezing me tight.
"I love you too," I sniffled. "But I know what this is. It's a miscarriage, James, I know it."
Getting to the hospital was a blur-I lay awake in my bed, some sort of levitating heart monitor beeping. James held my hand tight. It was a miscarriage.
"James, what if this was my fault?" I whispered, turning to him in the dark room. My eyes were puffy and red, and I was dazed, not really comprehending was had just happened.
"Lily, it wasn't, don't say that," he whispered fiercely, taking my other hand and looking into my eyes. "Don't even think it, Lily Katherine Potter. We will try again."
Tears welled up into my eyes for the second time in the past thirty seconds, and a fresh wave spilled down my cheeks as I sobbed, James holding me tight.
Marlene
"We got here as soon as we could," Sirius and Marlene burst into the room not five minutes after the calls they had received, both of them still in nightclothes. Marlene's eyes welled up just as the sight of her best friend just lying there, staring at the ceiling. She hadn't even acknowledged that they had come in. James was holding her hands, and he whispered something to her gently. She turned her head to Sirius and Marlene.
"Hey, Lils," Sirius said softly, going to the hospital bed.
"Hey, Sirius. Hey Marls," she said with red eyes. James greeted them both with a completely solemn face-this was the first time Marlene had seen James and Lily look so solemn together, and it scared her.
"She thinks its her fault," James muttered under his breath to both of them.
"Lily," Marlene said, kneeling and taking her best friend's hand as Sirius and James conversed in low voices in the corner. Lily looked so-broken. Lifeless, almost. "Lily, look at me. Look at me." She turned her eyes on Marlene but didn't smile. "It was a miscarriage, alright? I know it's horrible and devastating, but think about it-it's better now than after you got to know him or her." Lily stifled a sob, and for a moment Marlene worried that she'd said the wrong thing.
"Thanks, Marls. But I did know him or her," she whispered in a shaky voice. "At least our parents didn't know yet that we were pregnant. They would have been devastated. James and I are going to try again in a few months."
"That's good, dear. And you know...you're going to be an amazing mother, Lils. It was by no fault of your own," Marlene promised. "Alright? Understand? Wake up, Lily. James can't have his wife depressed."
"I'm-I'm not," Lily took a shuddering breath, but the familiar stubborn look Marlene had grown used to resurfaced in her eyes. "It's not going to be a miscarriage next time, Marlene."
"I know," Marlene said firmly. "I know."
One Month Later
"Giants?" James exploded, standing up abruptly and pushing his chair back.
"Those are the rumors," Dumbledore said darkly, looking at him from across the table. We were in what had turned into our regular meeting room-Frank and Alice's basement.
I reached up and pulled him down by his sleeve. "And most likely, they are true. As you know, Voldemort already has his hand with the Dementors-although their loyalty lies with those who give them the most free reign, the most-rewards, shall I say. Namely, souls."
"I hate dementors," James muttered in my ear, and I nodded fervently in agreement.
"I'm sure you are all wondering why I called you all here-it certainly was not to discuss things we already know. No...the fact remains, however...two of our very own members, Remus Lupin and Emmaline Vance, are currently surrounded. Voldemort wishes to torture them for information."
"What?" Alice and Frank stood, and conversations flared like lit matches thrown on patches of gasoline.
"We need a rescue squad of our best-you will certainly encounter dementors, possibly giants. No Death Eaters are there yet, and if we can get them out before Voldemort finds them, that would be ideal."
Mad-Eye Moody rapped his walking stick on the floor of our current safe house loudly. "Quiet!" He raised his voice, and we all sat back down reluctantly. "Raise your hand if you can produce a corporeal patronus!"
Slowly, hands raised. James and I joined them.
"Excellent," Dumbledore said, standing up and whispering something to Moody.
"You ten with me, then," he said gruffly, beckoning to us.
"And the rest with me. Reinforcements, on the outer boundaries, to warn of any impending reinforcements of their own," he elaborated, and we divided into two groups. "The apparation boundaries are now open, and will remain so until the last of us return."
Alright now, the plan," Moody said gruffly, his magical blue eye whirling to the back of his head, leaving the white to peak out unabashedly. "This place is enchanted like a spider's web. You can apparate in, you can't disapparate out. So you've got to run-quite a ways until you can get out. We'll be split up, there's no question. And it'll be dark. If you get Remus and Emmaline, send up a shot of red sparks. Got it?"
We all nodded.
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" He barked, and we jumped back slightly. "One of your comrades in need of assistance, you get them the hell out. Understand?" He bellowed. "We are all in this-none of this every man for himself bull-"
"That's enough, Alastor," Dumbledore chastised him, and he nodded, looking slightly ashamed.
"Well anyway-don't leave your friends behind. Now lets go-everyone grab on to my arm."
And we apparated into the dark night-as soon as we appeared, anxiety was replaced with pure despair. What hope did we have? How could we possibly beat such dark creatures? We may as well give up. We'll never make it. I started remembering horrible things-the worst fights with Petunia and I, and suddenly, clear as day, I heard Snape shout out Mudblood! And I flinched. My grandpa's funeral,-
James took my hand, and a flair of warmth shot through me. I remembered my wand. We were facing a run down, dilapidated hut-looking a lot like the Shrieking Shack-cloaked in darkness, and surrounded by dementors. The dementors floated, surreal, several feet above the ground, gliding toward us slowly, eagerly, at the prospect of feeding. I felt the warmth seep out of my bones.
Moody was taking out his wand, and his motion spurred the rest of us to action-
"Expecto Patronum!" He bellowed, and on his first try, a giant silver grizzly bear erupted, sending out waves of warm silver light, dispelling dementors. But it wasn't enough.
"Expecto Patronum!" Someone bellowed from our right, and a great stallion erupted, pushing back even more.
"Expecto Patronum!" We attempted to try, and it was easier now that we weren't facing pure depression-more and more silvery animals burst forth, and James's stag and my doe joined-
"RAAAAAAAA!" A deep voice bellowed from behind, and to our horror, a gargantuan shadow rose slowly out of the woods behind the shack, making it look like a doll house. "BAAAAAAAAAD!" The thing looked over twenty feet tall. We sprang forward. James and I gave each other one last look before we went our separate ways.
"You! Potter!" Moody hissed. I looked around, behind me, looking for James, then did a double take as I remember that I was Potter-"Lily!" He revised, somehow managing to make holding off three dementors look easy. They were twisting their heads back and forth, trying to get a grip on sucking out our emotions from around the shield. "Behind you!"
Without giving it a thought I turned around and yelled "OVER THERE!" And my doe ran forward from where she had been previously, galloping up at the dementor and pushing him away.
"We've got to get around and get the giant, she's the biggest threat. Understand?" I nodded, not able to speak. "Follow me. Dementors are blind, no use trying to sneak. Just run."
We bolted around the house, fighting through an even heavier horde of dementors-at one point they almost overcame me, and my patronus faltered, but Moody's sent them scampering. "We've got to run up and get on top of him-there's a point on his skull-that part's the weakest!" He yelled as we dodged. The giant still hadn't moved, was surveying the situation. "It's at the left base of his skull, kill him, no qualms now!" Moody bellowed, literally picking me up and barreling through the thick hoards, his grizzly bear and my doe ten feet in front of us, keeping them at bay.
"Wait-what are you going to do?" I yelled as he set me down, my doe following me.
"I'm going to distract him! Hey, you!" Moody sent up a spiralling stream of power, an extremely strong hex I didn't know. I felt the air vibrating as I dove for the giant's feet. The giant quickly realized what our aim was-he hopped around and jumped, spinning-I would have to levitate myself, and then fling my body onto his skull.
"Hey, ugly!" I yelled as I saw him almost step on Moody. "You smell like Hippogriff shit, you barmy badger! And you look worse!" The giant grumbled loudly and growled something that sounded like a series of grunts and gibberish. I levitated myself out of his grasp as he grabbed for me, until Moody distracted him again. He hit him in the eye with a bolt of energy and he stood straight up, bellowing in pain. I hope he wouldn't step on the house-but there seemed to be sort of a physical barrier protecting it, almost like a dome. Likely so none of the dementors or the giant would kill Remus and Emmy before Voldemort got the chance to torture them, I thought bitterly. How did he get to them, anyway? I used the giant's bellow of pain to my advantage-Moody attacked him fervently, over and over, but his hide of thick skin seemed to be repelling every spell. I let the charm go and launched myself through the air, grasping at the thin bit of mangy hair on his skull. He was mostly bald, but the bit of hair he did have served as climbing material. I tried to hold my breath-he really did smell like Hippogriff droppings. I yanked myself, up, cursing my lack of upper body strength-
"Stupefy!" I yelled over and over. I knew Moody had said to kill him, but I just couldn't. "Stupefy, stupefy, stupefy-" The giant's attempts to grab me became increasingly futile. He stumbled, tripped, and began to fall backwards. Fear erupted into my stomach-would I be crushed? My limbs threatened to freeze in fear, but I managed to dive out of the way just before Hippo-dung man fell to the ground, tucking and rolling painfully-or at least attempting to. It wasn't as easy as they made it seem in movies.
Now the final question-how to get in the house?