The world is changing. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that still is, will be lost, for none will stay truly sane enough to know of it. It began with the creation of the first women. Three were born as elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf breeds, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls, though unfitting to a woman such as they. And nine, nine of these women were gifted as one of the race of Men, who above all else desire beauty. For within these women was bound the strength and will to corrupt each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another women was made. In the land of America, in the files of her fanfiction of doom, the Dark Lady Margret Wellington forged, in secret, a Master Lady to control all others. And into this woman she poured sugar, sprinkles and the perfect ability to do anything she deems worthy of her time; One Sue to rule them all.

One by one, the Free Lands of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Sue. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Sue Slayers marched against the armies of the Sue. And on the slopes of Mount Rainbow-Kiss, they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth. Victory was near, but the power of the Sue could not be undone. It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Sarah, daughter of the commander, took up her father's Slayer knife, cut open the chest of the Sue, and pressed the button DELETE. The fanfiction, enemy of the free peoples of Middle-Earth, was deleted. The pen used to write the story passed to Sarah, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but the hearts of Men are easily corrupted. And the Heart of a Sue has a will of its own. It betrayed Sarah, to her insanity.

And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years, the Heart passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. The Heart came to the woman Eliza, who took it deep to the desk of her office, and there it possessed her. The Heart brought to Eliza an obsession in her writing work, eventually into the Lord of the Rings fanfiction category. For years, it poisoned her skill. And in the gloom of Eliza's office, it waited. Suethors crept back into the stories of the network. Rumor grew of a story in her computer - whispers of a long-named fear. And the Heart of a Sue perceived its time had now come. It abandoned Eliza. But something happened then the Heart did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely writer imaginable. A teacher, Anna Windsnap of England. For the time will soon come when the Windsnaps will shape the fortunes of all...

~Lady Galadriel, Second Age 3283, quel marth a' ron ya ier a' anta i' uuvanimo.

I sighed at the book in front of me. I knew it, I just bloody knew it. A Mary Sue was going to pop along the way and all the Lady would give me was good luck. I began to pace around the Mines of Moria, in the resting place of Balin. Sympathetic I may have been to Gimli, but my mind wandered elsewhere. What did the Lady mean by 'For the time will soon come when the Windsnaps will shape the fortunes of all...' that was supposed to be the opening dialog for The Fellowship of the Ring, only with the minor tweaking of hobbits.

I knew it would come, obviously- I've seen the movies any time I could, and Pippin would look at the well and throw something down it. Unlike the bucket and arrow-pierced decaying skeleton he chose in the movies, he went with a simple pebble in the book. It made a chilling echo.

"What's that?" Gandalf cried; he was quite angry when Pippin admitted to it. "Fool of a Took!" His ever-so famous line was snapped, "This is a serious journey, not a hobbit-walking party. Throw yourself in next time, and then you will be no further nuisance."

It was very silent for a while after that. I was puzzled, in the book, this happened a while before Balin's tomb. But in the movies, it happened at it. In, what must be, real life, it both happens in a weird collision.

Tap-tom, tap-tom, the beats of soft drums tapped in the distance. But I alone knew how truly close they were. I gently put the book of the Lady into my bag, determined not to try and interfere. Gandalf's voice was grave as he read from the book of records, however that got here (this is why they were in the Chamber of Records in the book).

"We drove out the orcs from the great gate and guard- the next word is unreadable but most likely- room, we slew many in the bright- I think- sun in the dale. Flói was killed by an arrow. He slew the great. There is a bit of a blur followed by Flói under grass by Mirror mere. The next line or two I cannot read. Then comes- we have taken the twentyfirst hall of North end to dwell in. There is I cannot read what. A shaft is mentioned. Then Balin has set up his seat in the Chamber of Mazarbul."

"That should be in the Chamber of Records." Gimli pointed out rather angrily.

"It should, as should many of these." The ranger sighed, picking up a journal that was stained and burned on some edges, "Perhaps they thought they could finish their tales for the next unfortunate being and warn them."

"Well, I can read no more for a long way." Gandalf said, "Except the words gold, and Durin's axe, and something helm. Then Balin is now the Lord of Moria."

"Or what is left of it." Merry told me in almost a whisper.

Either Gandalf did not hear him, or ignored him altogether. Because he continued, "That seems to end the chapter. After some stars, another hand begins, and I can see we found true silver, and later the word well forged, and then something, I have it! mithril; and the last two lines Óin to seek for upper armouries of Third Deep, something go Westwards, a blur to Hollin's gate."

Apparently the movie got tired of being ignored and the book enjoyed taking over less because Gandalf said, "They have taken the bridge…and the second hall. We have barred the gates…but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums...drums…in the deep...We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming!" And on cue the tap-tom of drum got louder, and louder...

"Secure the doors!" Gandalf commanded.

Boromir and Aragorn rushed over and shut the door; Boromir dodged an arrow and said in mock-relief, "They have a cave troll."

I started almost freaking out, I knew how to sort of use a dagger but they agreed swords and bows were useless with me.

The fight broke out.

Swarms of orcs (or were they goblins) flooded in and all I could see was black blood. I was up against this tiny cowardice thing when I struck its arm. It sneered at me and backed me up against the wall with a blade. Said blade was itching towards my heart and I could imagine he would cut out my heart and feed it to the watcher.

He stiffened out and fell to the ground. I saw the arrow sticking out of his back as clear as his twitching left eye.

"You owe me!" Legolas called like some immature five year old in a snowball fight.

Time slowed down as Aragorn flew into the wall, Frodo hid behind a pillar but the troll found him and skewered Frodo. Merry and Pippin lunged for the troll; Boromir and Aragorn were back on their feet. Gandalf and Legolas were doing whatever they were doing. Sam and I ran to Frodo.

"He'll be fine." I assure Sam.

"How?" Sam asked.

"I know what'll happen, trust me." I say to Sam.

"Shoot!"

Legolas' arrow fired and... scraped the beast's arm. The troll lunged for Legolas and threw him to the wall. I heard at least one rib break.

It was then something hit me (no you Legomance nuts it's not love), I don't know what it was, reality maybe? I suddenly knew that this was war. The heroes won't always win even if it's inscribed in a book. Me being here isn't going to cut. I don't belong here. Just like the orcs. Someday someone's going to realize that and I'm probably going to die.

I told myself then this, "It's a man's world in Middle Earth (or, Elf/Man/Dwarf/Hobbit/Wizard world etc.) and if you are going to survive Ruth Jessica Windsnap, you best get in the battle and snap that troll's windpipes."

Most unfortunately there was a light emitting from Balin's tomb. A faint cry of the angles and strum of the harps could be heard. The light must have knocked my senses around because I think I remember smelling orc blood from my eyes, or they stung from all the pink.

Pink.

Pink+Creature+Halos+Hallelujah+At the right moment=Mary Sue

Curse you Lady Galadriel!

"Creatures bound
Cursed inside
Heed my warnings
And flee for your life

Hear my song
And run in fear
Because Noble saviors
You're angel is here"

There stood a creature with faintly carnation pink angel wings, long flowing in mid-air bubblegum pink (sorry Tonks) curls and deep rich blue eyes like the Caribbean. She wore a sort of Greek white robes (a toga do they call it?) with a tiara of silver and crystals on her head. In her hand there was a staff of mahogany with two gold doves surrounding an amethyst sphere that radiated power.

The orcs scurried away in "fear" of their life, or to simply get away from the larger threat.

"I am Teles," The Sue curtsied. "I am a demigod-angel-elf, daughter of the half elf maiden half angel Lúthien Tinúviel and Hades."

"Last time I checked," I said to be annoying. "Lúthien was not elf-angel and Hades doesn't exist here. Also neither does demigods- that is Percy Jackson."

"What?" Legolas asked, waking into the world.

"Nothing you need to know about," I grin and add to myself, "Mr. Aphrodite."

"I was Balin's guardian angel," Teles had to continue. "I am sorry to say I have failed him. But before his spirit was guided to the Underworld where my father ruled him justly, he asked me to watch over his wife and son, Gimli."

"So you're the maiden I see in my dreams," Gimli said in awe, Legolas went as far as to look jealous.

Honestly, these creatures were like veela blessed by Aphrodite! The only people unaffected are the women and I am the only sane woman here.

"We best leave before something..." Whoever said that probably wet their pants from the red blazing fire of the other room.

"Everyone quick!" Teles cried out, dramatically desperate. "To the bridge of Khazad-dûm!"

I owed him a favor, I told myself walking over to him. I couldn't do much to a broken rib (or two) but I did have Tylenol in my pack for... that time of month.

He may seem like a light thing with his prancing around the snow (in which I may or may not have asked Boromir if I could push him off the mountain), but trust me ladies- he's all yours so long as you can even hoist him up.

"Get up would you!" I finally snapped, thinking he was not even making an effort.

It took Aragorn and Teles to finally pick him up. I handed him the pill (which Middle Earth doesn't have by the way girls) and some ultimate comfort food- chocolate.

Elves seem to respond well to comfort food and medication, because he was up in two seconds flat. Limping and hissing yes, but running and standing and stopping.

We ran to the bridge as the Balrog of Morgoth chased us.

"Up and over!" Aragorn shouted as we jumped the stairs- ouch for Legolas.

Wait! Ouch for me! I had sprained my ankle and was practically hopping with Legolas (to think I'd sink so low).

It was so long until we got to the actual bridge part and honestly, did those dwarves have no time whatsoever to consider hand rails? One step wrong and whooooooooo down to your death.

One by one we swept across the bridge, the fire of the Balrog making us sweat like crazy (or is that just me). I'm prone to nausea in high points and this was no exception. Sam had to pull me back twice so I didn't whooooooooo down to my death.

We were all across, all but Gandalf. How would the Fellowship react? I was stupid to tell Sam I knew the future, I just didn't know then. Gandalf looked into the wall of fire. A great form of black shadow emerged through the flames, its eyes of white fire, great ash-black horns curling around a bull-like head. It opened its mouth, rippling heat pouring out with a rumble.

Gandalf turned, running after the Fellowship. A great, black, foot stomped down into the hall, bursting into flame. A narrow bridge of stone appeared in the fiery light, and the Fellowship crosses the bridge. Finally Gandalf turned to face the Balrog.

"You cannot pass!" Gandalf told the Balrog.

Somewhere around me Frodo cried out, "Gandalf!"

Take a moment with me in Lothlorien entering in this journal to pray for Gandalf. For me as he died my world slowed down and my senses became stronger than ever.

Great shadows like wings of ash whirled around the demon, which spread its arms and bursts into cracking and thundering flame. Gandalf stood beneath it, staff and sword raised high.

"I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor…" Gandalf bellowed to the mighty beast.

As the wizard raised his staff, a blazing light radiated from it, illuminating the entire bridge, encircling the wizard in a globe of seemingly endless light.

"The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udûn!"

The Balrog heaved its arm upward, a sword of fire forming in its hand. The Balrog struck down on Gandalf, who blocked the blow with his blade, shattering the Balrog's sword. A sort of glow was running off the circle of light around the wizard. The Balrog bellowed at the wizard. Frodo gasped and Aragorn ran forward.

Gandalf was by then clenching his teeth, "Go back to the Shadow!"

A thread of flame came from the Balrog's maw, and it steps forward onto the bridge. The beast brandishes a flaming whip, lashing it about menacingly. Gandalf summoned the last of his energy, and raises his sword and staff together into the air, about to face death.

"YOU...SHALL NOT...PASS!" He gave one last cry before he, Gandalf, drove his staff into the bridge, causing a bright flash of blue light to appear. Nothing noticeable happened, at least, until the Balrog stepped onto the bridge. The bridge collapsed from under it as it moves towards Gandalf, and broke before the wizard's staff. The demon plunged backward into the chasm, still wielding its glowing whip. Gandalf, probably exhausted, leaned onto his staff and watched the Balrog fall; he turns to follow the others.

All was well until at the last second, the flaming whip had lashed up from the depths of the abyss and winded itself around Gandalf's ankle, dragging him over the edge. He clung onto the bridge but was strained to keep his grip.

He whispered one last thing to us before death, "Fly you fools."

I was aware of everything then. The goblins were shooting arrows at us from high up still. I was aware of the fiery air, the smoky fumes and the sweat running down my forehead. I was aware of the pain in my ankle. I was aware of Sam glaring daggers at me, the cries of Frodo, the nausea still sweeping me, and the bawling Teles. I was aware that I had one chance to leave the Fellowship alone for good.

We ran outside, but my feet did all the work. I felt useless. Gimli and I sat on a rock together, not letting a tear fall though our eyes glistened and our noses were running (well, he was sniffling).

Teles continuously was sobbing, "Why, why, why?" over again. Frodo looked away. He wasn't crying either.

Sam stormed up to me red-faced of hurt, anger and betrayal. "You!" He yelled loud enough for all to hear, "You betrayed us! You knew he was going to die! You let him die! You said it yourself, you know what'll happen!"

All eyes shifted to me, Merry and Pippin were shocked. Aragorn and Boromir were angered. Gimli and Legolas looked hurt. And Frodo, well, he gave a look, you know. The look you get when you feel all queasy and guilty inside. Like you're bursting to defend yourself and yet you never find the right words. The look that makes you say to yourself, it was your fault.

"Why?" Was all he said before a tear slid down his cheek and he turned away, as did I in shame.

"Get up," Aragorn snapped. I looked up to see everyone else was up too. "We will deal with you until we reach Lothlórien, then you are on your own."

And so, journal dearest, that night I felt truly alone as I do now. Only then it was the first time I realized;

There was no Gimli to tell a dwarf story.
Or Sam to cook a nice dinner.
Or Merry and Pippin to sing for the Shire.
Or Frodo to just sit in comfortable silence.
There was no Boromir to taunt.
Nor was there Legolas to annoy.
No Mary Sue to make sarcastic comments to (even if she was annoying).
There was no Aragorn to talk about future plans.
But lastly, there was no Gandalf to say about my realm, to learn from each other. There was no grandfatherly figure out there watching out for me, a careless girl. There was no Gandalf the Grey I would ever see again. And at this rate I'm going with the Fellowship's trust, I would not even get to say hello to Gandalf the White.

Journal, that night I was truly, for the first time in my life, alone.

Completely alone.

The beginning was more of a parody part but the middle/ending is really sad for me and I actually cried for it. Teles is going to make future appearances because she is a good tool to work with, and Mary Sue. Legolas and Ruth needed some sort of 'moment' so I thought, why not? Let's bond over drugs and chocolate! Come on, it's nice sort of. Sam I don't think would really accuse someone (though he might) of causing the death of a fallen companion, but there needed some sad drama for what I had in store. Merry merry Christmas and a happy New year. Also Hanukkah and Quanza if you celebrate them! The flaw is don't count your chicken before they hatch meaning don't call him light until you've tried lifting him. I do not own Lord of the Rings.

What would be the ideal holiday gift for each member of the Fellowship?

Translations:

quel marth a' ron ya ier a' anta i' uuvanimo- good luck to they who are to face the monster.