A/N: Yes, another chapter of this very quickly! Unlikely though that is.I wrote this somewhere in the middle of writing the last, mammoth chapter.
A/N2: Title is taken from a Bowling For Soup song, 'When we die'. The whole relevant line would be "As long as we live time passes by/And we won't get it back when we die."And this is set less than two months before Danny's Dad dies.
Timeline
1. 'In the beginning' Parts 1 and 2 (Chapters 13 and 14) Rusty is seven, Danny is nine.
2. 'Neverending Conversation' Parts 1 and 2 (Chapters 15 and 16) Rusty is seven, Danny is nine.
3. 'Matilda and the Werewolf' (Chapter 23) Rusty is nine, Danny is eleven.
4. 'Something more than it should be' (Chapter 10) Rusty is ten, Danny is twelve
5. 'The humiliation of Norris Carrol' (Chapter 20) Rusty is ten, Danny is thirteen
6. 'Four Day Interlude' (Chapter 5) Rusty is ten, Danny is thirteen
7. 'Remember the first time' (Chapter 4) Rusty is ten, Danny is thirteen
8. 'Sunshine, smiles and sweet, sweet words' (Chapter 17) Rusty is ten, Danny is thirteen.
9. 'Lie, Cheat, Steal, Play' (Chapter 24) Rusty is ten, Danny is thirteen
10. 'View from the outside' (Chapter 12) Rusty is eleven, Danny is fourteen
11. 'When we were young' Part 1, 2, 3 and 4 (Chapter 25-28) Rusty is eleven, Danny is fourteen
12. 'And we won't get it back when we die' (Chapter 29) Rusty is twelve, Danny is fourteen
13. 'Walk before you can crawl' (Chapter 2) Rusty is twelve, Danny is fifteen
14. 'Other Nightmares Parts 1 and 2 (Chapters 8 and 9) Rusty is twelve, Danny is fifteen
15. 'The more things change' (Chapter 1) Rusty is thirteen, Danny is fifteen
16. 'Words and Silence' (Chapter 22) Rusty is thirteen, Danny is sixteen
17. 'Six months of roses' (Chapter 18) Rusty is thirteen/fourteen, Danny is sixteen
18. 'Two stories with some understanding' (Chapter 21) Rusty is thirteen, Danny is sixteen. Falls within time of 'Six months of roses'
19. 'Life Lessons' (Chapter 7) Rusty is fourteen, Danny is sixteen - falls within time of 'Six months of roses'
20. 'The lies we live' (Chapter 3) Rusty is fourteen, Danny is sixteen
21. 'If the fates allow' (Chapter 19) Rusty is fourteen, Danny is seventeen
22. 'This is our decision (to live fast and die young)' (Chapter 6) Rusty is fourteen, Danny is seventeen
23. 'Such a perfect day' (Chapter 11) Rusty is fourteen, Danny is seventeen
And sequels after they move away!
'Adjusting' - two months after they leave town, Rusty is 15, Danny is 17
'Learning Curve' - eighteen months after they leave town, Rusty is 16, Danny is 19
'All in the family' - shortly after 'Learning Curve'
'Outward Ripples' - Rusty is 18, Danny is 20
'Chasing Echoes' - set after O11.
Danny left his Dad's with the conviction that there had to have been something more he could do. Something more he could have been. Something that could have made a difference.
On the first night, he followed his dad into the flat, clutching his bag tightly.
"Well, this is it." Dad's voice was nervous. "Come on in." He followed silently as Dad led him into the living room. "It's a little small, maybe," Dad added, looking round the living room. "Not like the house. But we . . .but I . . . like to think of it as cosy."
Danny glanced at the dark mahogany furniture, the polished wooden floors, the bookcase filled with colour-coordinated leather-bound books, the rug with the geometric patterns. Cosy wasn't the word he'd use, he thought. "It's nice," he offered politely.
Dad smiled. "Good. That's good. I want you to feel comfortable here, Danny. I don't want you to feel like a guest."
Danny just nodded. "Where can I put my stuff?"
"Oh." Dad frowned. "Just stick it over by the wall there for now, I guess. You'll be sleeping on the sofa. I'm afraid there's no guest bedroom."
He was almost certain that Dad didn't notice the infinitesimal pause. He was almost certain that he'd managed to hide the moment of hurt. "Okay, thanks."
"Can I get you anything?" Dad was twisting his hands together. "Soda? Water? I think we've got some orange juice. Coffee . . . you drink coffee, right?"
"Coffee would be great," he nodded. "Thanks."
"Good. Good." Dad disappeared through a door that presumably led to the kitchen. Danny dropped his bag in the corner, took his jacket off and laid it down on top of his bag, carefully.
He sat on the edge of the sofa and waited.
After a couple of minutes, Dad stuck his head back round the doorway. "How do you take it?"
"Cream, no sugar," he answered. "Thanks."
Coffee made, he at least had something to do with his hands while they sat opposite each other in awkward silence. This should be easier than it was. Somehow, this should be simple.
"It's good to see you, Danny," Dad said, at last.
"You too," Danny agreed.
"I mean, I know it's been a couple of weeks," Dad went on, "and I'm sorry about that."
It had been eleven. Eleven weeks and three days. And it hurt that he knew that. There'd been a meeting with the principal, and his parents and Rusty's dad about the food fight he and Rusty had started in the canteen. They'd had to. At the time it had seemed they had to. They'd promised a distraction to let Ami sneak out, and it had worked, except when they were suddenly the ones in trouble. There'd been a lecture, their parents had been called, and they'd sat outside the office, listening to the shouting and he'd looked at Rusty and he'd thought about just grabbing him and running and never looking back. They hadn't. They'd waited and eventually they'd been called back inside and they'd stared at the floor and tried not to let the words touch them. That was the last time he saw his Dad, and the only thing he'd heard had been how disappointed Dad was in him.
"It's okay," he said, reassuringly.
"I've been busy these last few weeks," Ddad went on, defensively.
He'd been busy for as long as Danny could remember. "It's okay," he repeated. "Really it is. I understand."
Dad sighed. "There's been a lot on at work. It'll be better in a few months, I promise."
"What's going on at work?" Danny asked.
"Oh, it's complicated." Dad waved a hand dismissively. "You wouldn't understand."
There was the sound of the front door opening, and Dad looked up with the first genuine smile Danny had seen on his face all day. "That'll be Emma." He hesitated. "I, uh, gave her a key so that she could let herself in when I'm not here."
Danny nodded and said nothing and tried not to listen as his Dad went out into the hall and kissed Emma hello.
Emma swept into the room and smiled at him happily. "Danny! It's lovely to see you again!"
He stood up and uncomfortably allowed her to hug him and kiss his cheek. "Hi, Emma," he smiled, politely.
"You know, I think you've grown since the last time I saw you. And you're certainly growing into a handsome young man. You're going to be just like your Dad."
It took an effort to keep the smile in place. But he managed it. Of course. "Thank you," he said, and discreetly took a step backwards.
She turned to his Dad and started telling him about her day, and Danny sat back down on the sofa and practised being invisible.
Eventually they remembered him again and Dad turned the conversation to school, and his latest grades, and whether he was trying as hard as he could be, and whether he might want to reconsider taking part in a few extracurricular activities, because college applications were just around the corner, and really, they were looking for more than just good test scores, and with the occasional black mark on his record, really, he wanted to have as much going for him as possible, because he needed to get into a good college with a good business program if he wanted to get anywhere in life.
Danny nodded and offered quiet noises of understanding and agreement, and it only hurt a very little.
Emma suggested that the youth theatre group, that a friend of her mother's helped run, would be just perfect for him. They were doing 'Our Town', though they'd had to cut a couple of bits out, as they were inappropriate.
He had to explain that he wasn't a very good actor and just because Rusty wasn't there, didn't mean he couldn't see the smirk.
Dinner was take out, and he sat at the kitchen table, and picked at his food, and listened to Dad and Emma make small talk. And they made an effort to include him and he made such an effort to be polite, to be positive, to be what his dad had always wanted him to be. From time to time Dad smiled at him. From time to time he looked almost approving.
After dinner they watched the news and Dad explained how important it was for Danny to cultivate a proper understanding of current events. Especially financial events. One day he'd find himself in the company of people that would look down on him for not being able to name the thirty companies that made up the Dow Jones Industrial Average, or understand the difference between a bull and a bear market.
In the privacy of his own head, Danny thought that he didn't want to spend time with those sorts of people. Danny thought that there were more important things, more exciting things in life. (More important people)
"You need to grow up sometime, Danny," Dad said with a slight smile.
"Of course," Danny agreed meekly. Dad – and Mom, even more – always talked about him growing up like he was going to suddenly transform into a whole new person. One who had normal dreams and everyday thoughts. One who didn't embarrass them all the time. One who didn't have inappropriate friends, and didn't insist that their friends were being hurt and needed help.
(Sometimes, when it was dark at night and he was alone Danny wondered if they were right. Maybe, one day, he'd wake up an adult and he wouldn't care anymore, not about any of the things that mattered so much now.)
"I'm afraid I have to work tomorrow," Dad went on apologetically.
"Tomorrow's Saturday," Danny objected sharply, before he'd had time to think, but he was only here till Sunday night and he'd wanted to spend some time with Dad. Just a little time. This was going to be his only chance to see Dad until God knew when. Couldn't Dad have made a little time for him?
There was an uncomfortable silence. "I know, Danny," Dad said placatingly. "Things are just a little hectic at work right now, and Mary has some family commitments, so I said I'd go in to cover. I promise next time you come by, things will be different."
"Right," Danny nodded, the taste of bitter ashes in his mouth. He'd promised himself he wouldn't upset Dad. He wanted to make sure that there was a next time, and a next time that was sooner than later. And besides, maybe Dad really did mean it this time. Maybe things would be different.
"Here," Dad said gently, with a smile. "Why don't you find us something to watch? Maybe there's a movie on that you like." The smile was almost knowing and Danny's heart could burst at the realisation that Dad remembered something.
(A lazy day almost a year ago, he and Rusty sprawled out on the sofa in the living room, flicking through movies, enjoying themselves. Dad had come in and they hadn't been expecting him, and they'd been on their feet in an instant, gathering up popcorn and soda, preparing to go upstairs, out of his way.
Dad had frowned and told them to stay put, and he'd actually sat down and watched the movie with them and after a while, they'd been talking just as they always did, tracking down the last place they'd seen Anthony Quinn to 'The Happening' and wondering if Claude Rains really was invisible.
All Dad's attention had been on them, not on Peter O'Toole and Alec Guinness and he'd been smiling and eating popcorn, joining in the conversation like there had been no place he'd rather be.
It had been a good evening. One of Danny's treasured memories.)
"Thank you," he said, meaning it, and he changed the channel until he found 'The Odd Couple' and he watched them anxiously out of the corner of his eye as the movie played. Seemed like they liked it.
Later, when the movie was finished, he lay on the couch and listened to Dad walking Emma to the door. The loud and cheerful goodbyes. The sound of two sets of footsteps quietly walking towards the bedroom. He couldn't help but wonder why they bothered.
With a sigh, he rolled over and went to sleep.
In the morning he woke up, bright and early and quickly and quietly dressed and headed into the kitchen. He was going to make them breakfast. He'd been planning on it for ages. He'd even got Rusty to show him how to make bacon and eggs. They'd practised a half dozen times.
Of course Dad's kitchen was different from Mom's. It took him a while to find things. Even the coffee machine gave him some trouble, and then the frying pan was at the very back of the cupboard, still in it's plastic wrapper.
He got the hang of it eventually, and when Dad and Emma walked into the kitchen, giggling and holding hands, he was able to put a mug of coffee, a slice of grapefruit and a plate of bacon and eggs in front of each of them.
Dad sat down at the table, self-consciously pulling his hand away from Emma's. "Oh, good morning, Danny," he said, smiling slightly. "Uh, Emma just came over early for breakfast. She'd...she'd left - "
" - my keys," Emma cut in eagerly.
" - her purse," Dad said, at the exact same moment.
Danny looked at them evenly. "I know Emma lives here," he pointed out quietly.
There was an awkward silence. "No she doesn't," Dad protested brightly. "We're just friends."
Right. He sighed and stared down at his coffee, his eyes burning. He just wanted Dad to stop lying to him all the time. "There's two kinds of shampoo in the bathroom. All Emma's shoes are in the cupboard in the hall. The letters on the counter are addressed to both of you. She lives here."
Dad's mouth opened and closed several times but he didn't say a word.
"It doesn't bother me," Danny added thoughtfully. It really didn't.
"Right," Dad said after a moment. "That's...that's fine, Danny. Just...just don't tell your mother, huh? She wouldn't understand. She'd make things difficult for me with the divorce. You know what she's like. She might even stop you from visiting me. You wouldn't like that, right?"
"No, of course not," Danny said quickly. He hadn't been going to anyway. He always kept Dad's secrets.
"That's a good boy," Dad said, smiling approvingly and eating up his bacon and eggs enthusiastically. "I've got to go now. I'll see you tonight, okay?" He stood up, wiping his mouth and reaching for his briefcase, kissing Emma briefly but passionately, and heading out the door.
Danny turned to Emma awkwardly. "Uh, would you like another cup of coffee?"
"Thank you," Emma said, and she seemed just as uncertain as him.
He poured her another cup and sat down at the table opposite her, trying to think of something to say. Every potential topic seemed difficult and seemed to lead back to Dad. "So, how's work?" he asked at last.
"Fine, fine," she said immediately. She looked at him anxiously. "Danny...you know I'm not trying to replace your mother, right?"
He blinked; he hadn't thought that for a moment. "I know," he assured her.
"I care a lot for your father," she went on. "I want to be in his life, and I'm sure that means we'll be seeing a lot of each other. But no one is ever going to be like your mother, I understand that."
Yeah. He didn't think so. "It's okay," he said quietly.
"I'd like it if we can be friends," she added hesitantly, looking at him optimistically. "Do you...do you think that's possible?"
He bit his lip, looking at her. She seemed nice. She'd always seemed nice and that was something that worried him. "Sure," he agreed slowly. He paused for a long moment, trying to figure out how to say it. "Emma...when I was a kid, Dad was always..." He took a deep breath. This was betrayal, and it didn't sit right with him at all. But she was nice. "Dad's never been faithful. Not for as long as I can remember. And it started long before you and there were always lots of different women. I don't know that he's ever going to be monogamous."
There was a long silence and Danny went back to staring at his coffee, his face burning. When he glanced up at last she was looking at him and her face was cold and uncomprehending. "Your father and your mother didn't get on, Danny. So Luke was unhappy and of course he...it's different now."
Danny hoped it would be. Wished it was. He just wasn't quite sure he believed it.
She looked upset now. "Danny, please. I really do want us to get along. If we can't, and if you try to make trouble between me and your father - "
" - he'd choose you," he cut in quickly and reassuringly and there wasn't even the slightest trace of pain in his voice. "Don't worry, he'd always choose you. It's...it's never gonna be me," he went on, and he should stop talking, why wasn't he stopping talking? "I understand that. I've always understood that." He licked his lips and he could see the look on her face, the automatic lies she was about to offer him. "It's okay, really. It doesn't...I mean, I already ruined things with him and Mom...I don't..." He closed his eyes. "It's okay."
"Danny..." she said, looking upset and looking like she had no idea what to say.
He stood up hastily. "I'm going to go look round the neighbourhood, okay? I'll be back later." He grabbed his shoes and vanished out the door and she didn't try to stop him.
God, he was so stupid. He had no idea why he'd said all that to her. All the things that he just didn't want to admit to.
He walked through the neighbourhood. Pretty upmarket sort of place, really. Not that he'd really be expecting anything else... It all seemed nice enough. He wouldn't mind spending more time here. Only thing was it was so far away from where Rusty lived. Would take three bus journeys. Though in November he'd be old enough to learn to drive...that was only two months away. That would make things easier.
He wished Rusty was here now. He wanted to tell Rusty everything. Wanted Rusty to tell him how to fix this, how to make Dad like him. Just wanted Rusty to be there and to make everything better.
The rest of the day he spent wandering around, getting to know the area. Always know your surroundings. Because it helped if you ever had to run.
There was a fashionable little café, not that far away from Dad's apparent building, and he sat there for an hour or so, drinking coffee, reading a newspaper, and nibbling at a sandwich and trying not to think about Dad or Emma or Mom or any of it.
When he wandered back that evening, Dad blinked at him when he knocked on the door before he stood aside and let him in. "Oh, Danny. Did you have a good day?"
"Yeah," he said with a shrug. "It was fine." Little boring, if he was being honest, but then, he preferred not to be honest.
"Good, that's good," Dad said, nodding.
"And you?" Danny asked politely.
"Oh, it was good," Dad nodded. "The place was empty, of course, so I got a lot done."
Danny nodded and wondered whether Dad had been in work at all. When he and Mom had been together Dad had always had to work a lot on Saturdays.
"You'll find that, when you get older, Danny, you'll need to work hard. You can't just take things easy and trust that everything will work out in the end. People won't give you a break all your life, you know."
He could hear the weary warning in Dad's voice. The always-wish that he'd just be a little better than he was. "I know, Dad," he said quietly, and resisted the urge to apologise.
Dad cleared his throat. "We were going to order Chinese tonight, Danny, is that okay?"
"Sure," Danny agreed easily. He liked Chinese food just fine. That part was easy.
Dinner was much the same as it had been the previous night; Danny kept his head down and let the adults talk. He knew perfectly well that on some level he was waiting for the shouting to start. Fortunately they didn't notice his discomfort.
After dinner and they were watching TV again. "So, Danny," Dad began, smiling at him. "What would you like to do tomorrow?"
Danny shrugged. "Whatever you would like to do," he said. He wasn't bothered. He just wanted to spend time with his Dad.
"Oh!" Emma said, suddenly enthusiastic. "We should go to the zoo."
Danny and his father turned to stare at her.
"Kids love the zoo," she said with complete certainty. "Have you ever been, Danny?"
There'd been a field trip back when he was in elementary school, but Mom and Dad had taken him out of that school the week before it was going to happen. "No," he said, though he really wasn't sure that he wanted to go to the zoo.
"Okay then," Dad said, sounding strangely upbeat. "We'll go to the zoo." His eyes lit up like he'd suddenly had the most amazing idea. "Why don't we swing by Rusty's house on the way and see if he wants to go too?"
Danny smiled. "Yes, please, thank you."
Emma was looking confused. "Rusty?"
"Rusty is Danny's best friend," Dad explained in an undertone.
"Oh, what a good idea then," Emma said, nodding. "But why don't you phone him tonight? That way he'll know to expect you."
"He doesn't have a phone," Danny said patiently.
She looked like this was a completely foreign concept. "I thought everyone had a phone these days? How do his parents manage without one?"
Danny shrugged and Dad hastily changed the subject before Dad could say anything. "Did you ever hear back from that woman in Nebraska, Emma?"
He looked away as Emma launched into the anecdote. He'd heard the tone in Dad's voice. The reminder that Dad was ashamed of Danny's friendship with Rusty and always had been. Nothing was going to change that.
He slept on the sofa that night and dreamt of a world where Dad smiled at him when he came home, where Dad was proud of him and where he was enough in himself. In his mind, he basked in impossible, unconditional love, and when he woke up, the pillow was damp.
He made breakfast again that morning. Bacon and eggs again; it was about the only thing he was confident with.
Dad came through first and blinked when he saw Danny in the kitchen. "You don't need to make breakfast, you know."
"I want to," he answered after a moment, carefully spooning eggs onto plates. "I should pay you back for letting me visit." He wanted to increase his chances of being allowed to visit again.
Dad looked uncomfortable. "You still don't need to," he emphasised, but he dug into the plate of bacon and eggs Danny served him enthusiastically.
Emma appeared a few moments later and took the proffered plate happily. "Oh, Danny, thank you." She smiled at him and at Dad. "It's so nice to have breakfast made. Are you sure we can't keep you?"
Yes. But Dad picked up the paper and stared at the business section and he wouldn't meet Danny's eyes.
"So, who's looking forward to the zoo?" Emma asked brightly.
The car journey was pleasant enough. Emma started off talking, keeping the conversation going cheerfully, but she got noticeably quieter the closer they got to Rusty's house. And, as they pulled up outside Rusty's building, she said quietly. "It's...it's not a very nice neighbourhood, is it?"
Dad glanced over at her worriedly. "Perhaps you'd best wait in the car."
She nodded slowly.
Impatiently, Danny leapt out of the door; he wanted to go get Rusty as soon as possible. Dad followed him onto the pavement and put a hand on his shoulder.
"What?" Danny asked, because there was something in Dad's face, something worried and reluctant.
"Danny," He took a deep breath. "Make sure that Rusty is … presentable ... before you ask him, won't you?"
He stared. Couldn't help it. Oh, he knew what Dad meant. He knew exactly what Dad meant. And he wanted to force Dad to elaborate, wanted to force Dad to say the words out loud, to acknowledge, even in this stupid, awful way, exactly what he and Mom had spent all this time denying.
His eyes dropped to the sidewalk. He sighed. "Alright," he agreed, dispiritedly, and he wasn't nearly so upbeat as he might have been as he trudged upstairs to Rusty's.
Rusty opened the door when he knocked and that was always a relief. Danny hated having to talk to Rusty's father. Hated it more than anyone would ever know. Far more than the danger that Rusty impressed on him was there, Danny hated that every time he had to look up at that man he remembered just how powerless he really was.
But now, Rusty was smiling at him, and there was just the slightest hint of a frown. "You okay? What's wrong?"
There were no bruises on Rusty's face. Nothing visible that Danny could see and Danny always saw more than anyone else. "It's nothing," he said. "Dad's downstairs. You want to go to the zoo?"
"Why?" Rusty asked with interest, stepping out of the apartment and closing the door behind him.
Danny shrugged. "I'm not sure. It was Emma's idea. She's downstairs, by the way."
"Oh." Rusty paused on the stairs and looked at him sharply. "So what's - "
" - she's nice enough," Danny said with another shrug. "Says she doesn't want to be my Mom."
"Mmm." He could see several thoughts flitting across Rusty's face, things that no one else would ever notice. But Rusty didn't say a word and Danny was grateful.
They reached the bottom of the stairs and stepped outside and all chance of conversation ceased. Dad looked relieved to see them.
"Hello, Mr Ocean," Rusty said politely as they got into the car.
Dad nodded, looking Rusty up and down in a way that was meant to be surreptitious. "It's good to see you again, Rusty. And this is my friend, Emma. Emma, this is Rusty."
"Nice to meet you," Rusty said with an engaging smile.
"And you," Emma said, smiling herself. She blinked at him in the rearview mirror. "I hope you don't mind me saying, but you're sort of small for a fourteen year old?" The question in her voice was obvious.
"I'm twelve, Ma'am," Rusty explained levelly.
"Oh!" She looked surprised and she was looking between Rusty and him as though she was trying to figure out exactly what they did have in common. Danny could tell her the answer to that. But even though she was nice, he didn't think for a second that she'd understand.
The zoo was...interesting. They followed Dad and Emma around for a while, gazing at monkeys and flamingos and the angry-looking rhino, and impalas and iguanas and a couple of bored-looking bears.
After a couple of hours, Dad bought them all an ice cream, and Danny and Rusty sat on a bench, watching the penguins frolic seriously, while Dad and Emma moved on excitedly, holding hands and chatting away like they were the only two people in the world.
"Think we've been forgotten," Danny commented easily, like it didn't hurt a bit.
Rusty was leaning forwards, studying the penguins intently, his arms folded on his knees.
"It's been like that all weekend," Danny admitted, and it was easier when Rusty wasn't looking at him. "They're living together."
There was no answer. No sign that Rusty was listening to him.
"I don't mind that," he insisted. "I really don't." He didn't. It wasn't what was bothering him.
"Huh. That penguin just tripped the other one," Rusty commented thoughtfully. "You think that's normal?"
"It's a one bedroom apartment, Rusty. He bought a one bedroom apartment!" His voice was hushed but it was angry and he had no idea how to stop himself talking. "He promised. Back when he was moving out, he said that I had to stay with Mom, but when he had got his own place, we'd see about me moving in. And he bought a one bedroom place!"
Rusty looked round at him and Danny was blinking back tears.
"He doesn't want me, Rus'," he managed to say. "He doesn't want me."
Rusty's arm was around his shoulders, holding him close, and he sighed and struggled to get himself under control, hide all the pain, because Dad mustn't know, no-one should know. "Oh, Danny," Rusty murmured, and he wasn't making excuses for Dad, wasn't promising that everything was going to be alright, all he was promising was that he was here and he wasn't going anywhere.
It was enough. It was more than enough. Even if Dad didn't want him, even if Mom would never like him, Rusty liked him and wanted him and loved him. Who needed parents? (He wanted them though. He always wanted them.)
Presently, before anyone nearby had noticed, he managed to calm down enough for him to sit apart from Rusty, surreptitiously dashing the back of his hand across his eyes.
"So, is that penguin dancing?" he asked, staring out across the water.
"Mmm," Rusty nodded. "Not very well. Sort of drunk uncle at a wedding."
He smiled. "So who do you think is getting married."
"That one and that one," Rusty said definitely. "They're practically holding hands."
Danny shot him a look. "Hands?" he checked uncertainly. "Aren't they more flippers? Or wings?"
Rusty shrugged. "Well, if you want to get technical..."
"Actually, I think they're both guys," Danny said thoughtfully. "Pretty sure there's supposed to be a girl involved."
"Yeah..." Rusty said slowly. Then he blinked at Danny. "Actually, why were you looking and how can you tell?"
"I thought the ones with the quiffs were male?" he said, slightly uncertainly.
"I think the ones with the quiffs are Elvis," Rusty answered, much more definitely.
"Huh," Danny said thoughtfully. "Guess the zoo must be hosting a convention."
"The First International Penguin Elvis Impersonator Symposium," Rusty nodded.
"Bound to be a hit," Danny smiled.
They lapsed into silence and Danny felt a little better.
"Maybe you should ask him," Rusty said suddenly.
Yeah. Maybe he should.
They spent the rest of the afternoon milling round the zoo. Watching the animals got boring eventually, so they ended up watching the people instead. All the parents who had been dragged there by their eager children, all the children who'd been dragged there by their doting parents. Tourists on day's out, lovers on strange dates, the art student who kept drawing everything without a head. They wandered and watched and listened to stray conversations.
..."That gibbon looks exactly like Aunt Marjorie!"...
..."You can't just ask her out, you have to flirt with her first."...
..."Where's the tigers? You said there'd be tigers!"...
..."So who do you think the Grim Reaper is?"...
..."Are you going to look for your husband?"...
…."No, it's a bad idea I tell you – if you like something you shouldn't dip it in gasoline" -
They caught each others eyes and they were laughing inside, time and again, and the afternoon flew by.
Dad and Emma didn't catch up with them until late afternoon. Actually, Dad and Emma didn't catch up with them at all, they eventually ran them to ground in the bird enclosure, cooing at a pair of lovebirds.
"Just for your information," Rusty murmured in his ear. "The moment this starts looking even the slightest bit Hitchcock, I'm running and leaving you behind."
Danny looked at the sharp beaks all around them. "Oh, you had to say it, didn't you," he muttered back. He cleared his throat as they got nearer Dad and Emma who seemed to be exchanging sweet nothings.
They looked round, clearly startled. "Oh! Danny!" Dad sounded surprised and Danny held his frozen smile. He hadn't been forgotten. He hadn't been forgotten. (Except he had been. Again.) "Right. Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah," he agreed easily.
"Okay, I thought we'd get a spot of dinner?" Dad looked at them both anxiously. "I know a nice Italian place not too far away. Rusty, do you like Italian?"
"Yes, thank you, Mr Ocean," Rusty said and his voice was unfailingly polite and there was cold fury underneath.
"And it's my treat," Dad added promptly and insistently, and Danny could forgive him so much just for saying and remembering.
In the end, he always forgave everything.
Dinner went well, thankfully. Emma was bright and vivacious and clueless and Rusty was polite and respectful and charming and the conversation flowed easily and Danny hardly had to say a word to Dad.
And it felt all to soon that they were dropping Rusty back at home. He stood on the sidewalk beside Rusty, gazing up at the windows above them. Was dark in Rusty's apartment and that felt safe. "See you tomorrow in school," he said simply.
"Yeah," Rusty answered, and there was a warning in his eyes about getting his hopes up and beneath that there was hope for him, and he smiled reassuringly, like he was absolutely confident that everything was going to be fine.
They didn't say goodbye. Rusty turned and went upstairs and Danny got back into the car.
They drove back to Dad's place in silence and, as Danny made sure he'd packed everything and got his things together, he saw Dad and Emma exchanging a significant glance out of the corner of his eye, and then Emma headed through to the bedroom. Leaving Danny and his Dad alone.
"Danny," Dad began nervously. "Sit down for a moment, will you?"
He did, uncertain where this was going.
Dad paced up and down in front of him. "Danny...Emma told me about what you said yesterday." He turned round and faced Danny, looking anxious and uncomfortable. "You know that what happened between me and your Mom – it was between us. It wasn't your fault."
He was almost disappointed at the lie. But he was willing to play along. "Sure," he agreed, smiling brightly.
Dad didn't look like he believed him. He knelt down on the floor, looking Danny in the eyes. "Listen, Danny. People grow apart. Your Mom and me, we didn't get on. But that was grown-up stuff. It wasn't you. The way we feel about you hasn't changed."
"You were always arguing about me," Danny said hesitantly.
It wasn't like Dad could argue with that. He sighed. "Yes, we were. But that doesn't make any of it your fault, Danny."
"That's not what Mom says," he said in a very small voice.
There was a very long silence. Dad stared at him. "She told you it was your fault?"
"Yes," he said quietly. It wasn't like it had been the first time.
Dad stood up suddenly, dragging him to his feet and hugging him fiercely. It was so unexpected and so utterly unprecedented that all he could do was stand there stiffly. "It is not your fault, Danny," Dad said loudly. "It's never been your fault."
There was a lump in his throat and Dad actually meant it and he didn't know what to say. He didn't have anything to say.
After a couple of seconds, Dad let go of him and stepped back awkwardly. "Yes. Well. I should really be getting you back to your mother now. And I think I want to have a few words with her," he added grimly.
"Can't I stay with you?" Danny said in a rush, and he hadn't meant to, he really hadn't meant to. "I won't be in the way, I promise."
Dad sighed and glanced away. "It's not possible right now, Danny. I'm sorry. There's no room...and your Mom wouldn't like it. Maybe when things are all settled and the divorce is finalised, then we'll see."
Right. Danny bit his lip. That meant no. He'd known that the answer would be no.
"You can visit any time you like though," Dad told him comfortingly.
That was a lie too. Dad was always busy.
But Dad didn't think it was his fault. And that felt like a twenty ton weight had just been taken off his shoulders. And even if it wasn't completely true, well. Maybe Dad could do some forgiving too.
"Thank you," he said to Dad, soft and grateful and meaningful.
They drove home in silence and Danny didn't mind at all. For once it felt comfortable.
When the car stopped outside the house Danny waited for a moment but Dad showed no signs of getting out.
He looked at him curiously. "I thought you wanted to talk to Mom?"
Dad sighed. "This probably isn't the best time. I want to calm down. Figure out exactly what I want to say."
He nodded and that almost sounded reasonable. "I had a great weekend, Dad. Thank you."
"Do you want to come over for Thanksgiving?" Dad said suddenly.
"Really?" he breathed, his eyes wide. That would be wonderful. So much better than being with Mom.
"Of course." Dad looked determined. "That's a promise."
"Fantastic!" He smiled happily. "But I'll see you before then, right?"
Dad glanced down at the steering wheel. "Well, work's very busy at the moment. And there's Emma...it might be a few weeks. But I'll see you at your birthday, I promise. Start thinking about what you want."
When he got out the car he was still smiling, even after Dad drove off. He could live with that. So, maybe he wasn't living with Dad, and maybe he didn't get to see him as often as he'd like, but Dad had promised.
Things were going to get better.
They would.
Thanks for reading and no, afraid I don't have the next chapter prewritten. ;)