'My mam and tad really loved each other, ya know' Ianto began, 'they were so in love that the worst thing they ever did was to have me, they were so wrapped up in each other that there was no love left over for a third person in their relationship. My mother was worse than my tad, she really loathed me because she thought I spoiled everything but he tried, he really did, of course that made my mother worse because she couldn't bear sharing him with me even a little bit.' Jack pulled him closer on buried his lips in the young man's hair a cold wave of fury swept through him, I'll love you Jack thought, I'll love you so much that everything bad that happened before you met me will just fall away. He forced himself to remain silent as Ianto continued.

'When I was seven I got a very severe chest infection. I was really sick and my Tad went out to the pharmacy to get some child strength paracetamol to help bring my temperature down. On the way home he was knocked down and killed by a drunk driver. My mother blamed me; she wouldn't let me cry, not even at the funeral, she said I had no right to cry because it was my fault he was dead. Every day she told me I was unfit to love any one, she said that anyone I loved would leave me and it would always be my fault.'

Jack rubbed his cheek against Ianto's, 'she sounds hideous' he opined recklessly.

Ianto sighed, 'she didn't know how to love more than one person,' he said, 'and when that person died she didn't know how to love anyone else – not even her own son.'

'But, babes, you were just a little kid,' protested Jack, 'how could she be so cruel?'

Ianto laughed,' no she was happened time and time again, my grandmother, the nice lady who lived next door - anyone I loved, they died and it was always my fault.'

'No, no' protested Jack, squeezing him tightly, 'people get old, they die. It's no-ones fault it's just life.'

Ianto was shaking his head, 'No, it was my fault. After Nian died, I started being careful, really careful not to get close to anyone but when I was twelve a new kid started at my school. His name was Jake and he wouldn't take "no" for answer. Everywhere I went, there was Jake, he sat next to me in all my classes, he ate lunch with me every day and, because he lived on the next street to us, he walked home with me every day. In the end I couldn't help myself; he was so kind to me and he was so loving, always touching my arm, holding my hand and I... fell in love with him . Oh I never told him but I couldn't bring myself to push him away the way I knew I should.'

'What happened to him?' asked Jack softly

'One day he wasn't at school, he never missed school, so at lunchtime I went round to his house. The police were there; they wouldn't let me in or tell me what was going on so I just went home, of course my mother had no scruples in filling me in. Apparently Jake's father had been embezzling from the solicitors firm that he worked for and had been found out. He had come home and killed Jake's mum with a carving knife, then slashed his wrists. He didn't know Jake was at home, sick with flu or I guess he would have killed Jake too. Jake's mum only decided to keep him at home after his dad had gone to work. His aunt came and took him away and I never saw him again. I know he wrote to me, because when my mother died I found his letters, locked away in a box.'

'Oh Yan'

Ianto managed a shaky laugh, 'It was probably for the best, my mam certainly thought so and wasted no time in telling me so. I'd learnt my lesson by then and managed to avoid any... entanglements.'

Jack frowned, 'I don't understand. If she hated you so much why did she try so hard to keep you with her?'

'Because even though she hated me I looked and sounded just like my Tad,' said Ianto, 'she could pretend it was just the two of them again, especially when she was drunk which by then was pretty much all the time. It was only if I showed any sign of independent thought or of my own personality then she had to diminish me to keep me with her. After what happened to Jake my world contracted back to school and home until I got a scholarship to university. I'd actually been accepted by Cambridge to study history and literature but my mother threatened to kill herself if I left.' Jack only just managed to restrain a snort of cynicism, contenting himself instead with rearranging their bodies so that Ianto was resting on Jack's chest, all the better to hold him closer. With a sigh of content Ianto cuddled closer; might as well enjoy this for as long as I can before I repulse him completely he told himself, before continuing. 'I couldn't bear to have another death on my soul so I turned Cambridge down and negotiated a scholarship with the university here at Cardiff which is where I met Lisa.'

Ianto reached across Jack and snagged the bottle of water from the bedside table. He took a long swig trying to ignore the way Jack's gaze rested hungrily on his throat as he swallowed. 'Anyway,' said Ianto, 'I met Lisa on my very first day. I bumped into her as I was leaving the library and she helped my pick up all the books she knocked out of my arms, then she insisted on buying me a coffee as a way of apologising.' He gave a small smile, 'she reminded me a lot of Jake, another one who was adamant that we would be friends but she never had Jake's unassuming affection, in fact she was a bit of control freak. '

'Did you like her,' asked Jack curiously. To him Lisa sounded like Ianto's mother – a selfish woman who decided what she wanted and didn't care how she got it. Ianto shrugged, 'she was OK, I guess. I got used to having her around. We used to do stuff, go to the cinema, the theatre, things like that, it was nice to have a social life for once. Even my mother liked her.' I bet she did, thought Jack, they sound like they were cut from the same cloth.

Anyway, we probably would have just drifted on like that until Tristan came along. He was Lisa's half-cousin and six months behind us at the uni. He started hanging out with us. He was, he was...' Ianto raised his head to look Jack in the eye, 'oh Jack, he was so beautiful, I loved him from the moment I saw him but Lisa had her eye on him too. It made things really difficult, Lisa started to get really sarky and spiteful, putting me down all the time, pointing out how useless I was. She was right of course, I AM useless...' Jack rolled his eyes, I'll make him see how wonderful, how loveable he is if it's the last thing I ever do he promised himself.

'Tristan used to stand up for me when Lisa got really nasty,' continued Ianto. He smiled, 'the best time were when it was just him and me.' Jack raised a quizzical eyebrow and Ianto gently bumped noses with him, 'not like that, we just used to sit drinking coffee and talking. He was so funny and smart, he was studying history too so we had that in common.'

'Sounds like he was very special' observed Jack

'He was. I think, if he had lived we would have started something amazing.'

'Yan, can you tell me about the accident?' asked Jack, 'You don't have to but...I really would like to understand.'

Boldly Ianto leant in and kissed him, 'OK but please try not to hate me too much' He paused to pull himself together and went on. 'The closer Tris and I became, the more it bothered Lisa. On the night of the accident, it was her turn to drive and Tristan had insisted that I sit in the back of the car with him. We still hadn't really acknowledged what we felt for each other then suddenly Tristan reached across and took hold of my hand, like this.' Carefully Ianto lay his forearm against Jack's pressing their palms close together and entwining their fingers. Jack had not experienced anything so erotic and romantic for a long time; Ianto's pulse point rested against his own and Jack could swear that he could feel every crease and line of Ianto's palm against his own skin.

'He loved you.' he said softly, 'this was his way of letting you know'

'I know. I loved him too, I hope he realised that' replied Ianto, 'but when I looked up, Lisa was watching us in the mirror, she looked beyond furious. My memory of the actual accident is a bit fuzzy but I'm absolutely certain she drove into the path of that petrol tanker on purpose, she had a terrible temper if she wasn't getting her own way. I don't know how I was thrown free but the next thing I knew I was lying in the road; the tanker was leaking petrol all over the road and the car was on fire. I staggered to my feet, I could see Tristan in the back he was either unconscious or dead – I never found out which – but Lisa was still conscious and trapped in the car.' He took a deep and shaky breath, 'she saw me and started screaming at me to help her but I...I...I froze. I wanted to save Tris, even if he was dead I wanted to save him, but the right thing to do was to help Lisa but...I...didn't...want to. While I was prevaricating and dithering the car blew up and I woke up two days later in Cardiff University Hospital.'

'Jesus! Ianto' Jack buried his face in the young man's hair, the better to hide his own tears. Ianto responded by clinging to him as if he expected Jack to be torn from his arms.

'When I came round, I found I'd lost all use of my legs. The doctors have diagnosed psychosomatic paralysis but they can't explain it beyond that. I guess that's because I have never told then the full story that I have just shared with you, I have never told anyone. If I can't walk, no-one will want me so I don't risk losing them, if I can't walk I never have to make a choice like that ever again.' He gave a shaky little laugh, 'so, now you know what a coward I am, I'm sure I disappoint you and I expect you will be on your way as soon as possible; obviously, because why would a man as wonderful as you want to be associated with a scared, pathetic, frigid, little shit like me? But, please just, before you leave, let me say that what you did for me last night was amazing, I'll always remember your kindness. I understand that things may be difficult between us now you know what I'm really like so I promise to stay out of your way for the remainder of the time you need to be in the store and...' He broke off, confused, as Jack kissed him deeply.

'Can I maybe get a word edgewise?' asked Jack as Ianto lay breathless and stunned, gazing at him, 'you are brilliant and brave. Ok, a little bit damaged but who isn't? So, if I get a vote I'd like to say that last night was one of the most exciting I've had for a long, long time. I was smitten with you from the moment I saw you wheeling towards across the store. I don't care that you are disabled and I don't care why but, if you will let me, I'll be by your side for as long as you can stand me.' He rolled them both so that they were lying face to face, 'I'll love you for as long as you will let me,' whispered Jack tenderly.

Ianto felt the breath catch in his throat as the love and sincerity shining from Jack's face convinced him that he may, in fact, have a future to look forward to and one that contained love and laughter and, eventually sex with this amazing man. A tsunami of emotion overwhelmed him and he began to shake. Jack ran a soothing hand down his back. 'It's OK to cry,' he whispered' that was all it took for every tear that Ianto had repressed from the age of seven seemed to burst from him in a perfect storm of weeping.

And Jack held him close the entire time.