I'm sorry for how late and short this is! I just started my first semester of college, so, I haven't really had much time to sit down with this and get it done. So the next few chapters might also be a bit late. But I'll try and get them up at reasonable times!
Nick had come to a couple of realizations by the beginning of August. The first was that his feelings towards Jeff were becoming something more than simply the kind a person would feel for their best friend (a fact that his drunken mind had put together a while ago, but his sober self was more willing to attribute any strange impulses to how lonely he felt outside of his friendship with Jeff).
Every time Jeff did something endearing and this thought came back to the front of Nick's mind, he stuttered his next few words and quickly pushed it away again. It wasn't that he was that afraid of those feelings or anything, nor was he afraid of the fact that his long-held assumption that he was perfectly straight was not true. While that thought might have startled him when he was younger, given the year that he had had, he wasn't sure that anything was going to surprise him anymore.
And he wasn't even that worried that Jeff didn't feel the same way about him, which made him feel arrogant to think. After all, right from the very start, Jeff had proved himself to be a very touchy-feely, affectionate, and complimentary person. And to think that that kind of person had feelings for him just because he was gay was, well, presumptuous, to say the least. But still, Nick just had a feeling (or at least a hope) that Jeff felt the same feelings that he felt for him. Either way, though, he was not planning on acting on these feelings without knowing.
The second realization was simultaneously easier and harder to swallow than the first: he was going to have to talk to Natalie about… well, everything. Part of him wanted to ignore it, to pretend that it was not happening so that maybe he could just forget about it and not let it affect him. But he knew that if she really was having a baby that was potentially his, he couldn't just ignore that. He would have to face that reality one way or another, and he was having a hard time thinking about it. He hadn't been willing to get onto Facebook since June, when he had looked up both Jeff and Natalie.
So, just as he had started to do whenever there was anything on his mind that needed to get out, he talked to Jeff.
"I mean, she should at least try and keep up contact with me somewhat, right?" Nick was saying, sitting a bit crookedly in his seat in the car to face Jeff more.
"Probably," he agreed, nodding. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at Nick, giving him a small smile. "And, well, she's likely kind of scared to, given everything, but… You do still deserve that. But, you know… It's not like—"
"If I don't absolutely have to, I would really like to avoid talking to her first," he said before he could finish.
"I get that, I do," Jeff said with a nod. Drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as he watched the highway somewhere in Illinois stretched out in front of him, he stayed silent for a moment before speaking again. "But I do think that if she doesn't make any attempt to contact you, you really should. She'd probably appreciate it, and I'm sure you would feel better afterwards."
Nick let out a long breath, nodding slowly. He both loved and hated the fact that Jeff was one of those people who was willing to tell you something that you didn't really want to hear when he needed to. "Yeah, I guess I would," he said.
"But don't, you know, get back together with her," he added with a soft laugh, shaking his head.
"Oh god, no," he said, shaking his head. "No chance of that. I'm done."
"Good," he said with a satisfied nod. "Don't get yourself wrapped up in that again. She cheated on you, and besides, being generous, she's a… six. A soft six."
"What? No way," he said. "She's a ten. Or at least a nine. Not a six. Anything less than seven is insulting."
"Sorry, Nick, but you were settling," he said. "Even if you weren't completely out of her league—"
"You're gay, how would you know?" he said, laughing.
Jeff chuckled, glancing over at him and shaking his head. "Being gay doesn't mean that I can't assess a woman's looks," he said. "In fact, it makes me a better judge. I'm not biased."
"No, that could mean that you're biased against all of them," he pointed out.
"Fair, but I'm not," he said. "Some girls are just undeniably beautiful. Like, say, your sister."
"She's not here, your flattery will get you nowhere," Nick replied, chuckled and shaking his head.
"Just stating the facts," he said with a grin. "To prove my point, that I am a good judge of girls' beauty."
"That's two examples, one of which I disagree with, and the other I'd feel weird agreeing with."
"What, you're not willing to say that your sister is beautiful?"
"You don't rate people on a scale of one to ten if you're not, well, into them," he said. "Or very not into them, but you get what I mean."
"You totally can rate people who you are friends with or related to or anything. The rating scale is not just about banging."
"But mostly it's about banging," Nick replied with a laugh.
"Somewhat," he said, shaking his head. "But when you say that, you're just objectifying women for the sake of objectifying them."
"Alright, alright," he said. "Bottom line, okay, yes, Lacey is beautiful."
"Of course she is," he replied, humming. "She's related to you."
Nick just looked over at him, taking in a soft breath and chuckling softly. Before he could say anything else, a loud boom of thunder startled both of them.
"The weather report said that it wasn't going to rain," Jeff said with a frown. Glancing over at Nick, he added, "Right? It didn't say that it was going to rain?"
"Yeah, you definitely said it said it wasn't going to rain when you checked earlier," he affirmed, nodding.
"And that kind of sounds like rain," he said.
"It could be a… dry storm?" Nick said with a shrug. "Or maybe we're just passing through and it could miss us."
"I certainly hope so," he said. "Because while I don't like driving when it's cloudy out, I was willing to live with that. But I hate driving when it's actually raining more than anything."
"If it starts to rain, we could switch," he offered.
"If you want," he said, shrugging. "I mean, I'm fully capable of driving in the rain, I'm just not a big fan of it."
Nick nodded, shrugging. "Whatever you want."
"Ideally, it isn't even going to rain," Jeff said. "Like, gosh, rain? What's that? I've never heard of it."
"Right," he said with a soft laugh, rolling his eyes fondly.
For the next few minutes, Jeff proceeded to continue to make comments about how he had no idea what rain was and that "even if I did, I'm pretty sure I got immunizations for that" as the sky grew darker and more ominous. Sure enough, after a bit longer, droplets of water started to land on their windshield.
"At least it's a light rain," Nick said, looking out the window.
Jeff nodded, humming. "Definitely a good thing," he agreed.
Practically as soon as those words were out of his mouth, though, the rain picked up and the sound of it on the roof of the Wrangler drowned out the radio as well as his groan of, "We jinxed it."
"If it helps, I think we jinxed it before it even started raining," Nick said. "You know, teasing the rain and all."
"Oh, shut up," Jeff said with a laugh, reaching over to give him a shove. "I thought that it might help."
"Well, that was dumb," he chuckled.
"I will kick you out of this car," he said, glancing over at him for a second with a grin.
"You wouldn't," he replied, shaking his head. "You like me too much for that. I'm too cute."
"Make no mistake, Duval, I am the cute one here," he said.
"Who made that decision?"
"I did," he said, chuckling. "Just now."
As long as they kept talking, driving in the rain was much more manageable for Jeff. He didn't seem to be bothered by how gloomy it was, so long as they kept their own spirits up and kept laughing.
Of course, all good things have to come to an end, and eventually the asphalt stretching out ahead of them started to resemble something more river than road. Even in a heavier vehicle, with the torrential downpour covering the road, there was limited traction. Though Jeff didn't say anything out loud to suggest this fact, Nick could tell that he was having to be careful to make sure that he didn't lose control of the car.
"Don't do that, no," Jeff protested as the car that they had been following switched into a different lane. "How am I supposed to use you to tell where my lane is now?"
Nick looked over at him for a moment, watching him as he navigated the road and found another car to follow, this one with its hazard lights flashing ("That feels ridiculous, but I'm so not going to complain"). Unlike most other people that he had been in a car with, Jeff didn't look at all stressed by how flimsy his control on the car seemed to be. His hands were firm on the steering wheel, but not what he would call sturdy. His face was just as relaxed as always, in that same way that Nick couldn't help but envy and simultaneously wonder about (maybe Jeff knew how the world was going to end, and he couldn't be bothered to worry about anything between then and now).
Until, of course, he finally did lose control of the car.
A semi passing them in the next lane over started to pull the car over, and in his attempt to right it again, the car hydroplaned and Jeff ended up overcorrecting, sending them veering off the shoulder. For a moment, Nick didn't even realize what was happening, just seeing Jeff's eyes going wide and hearing him frantically cursing. There were a few seconds of movement that neither of them would be able to fully recall later on, the grass though wet underneath them at least allowing some sort of traction again under the wheels.
He was able to bring the car to a stop almost entirely in the ditch, but short of the trees that lined the side of the highway, resting somewhat awkwardly but at least safely. For a long moment, neither of them said anything, until Jeff let out a long breath.
"Are you okay?" he asked, looking over at Nick.
"Yeah," he said, nodding quickly. "Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?"
"Yeah," he echoed. "I'm good." A pause. "Oh my god. That… Oh my god."
"Yeah." Nick didn't even pause to consider his actions before reaching over and taking Jeff's hand in his, feeling it shaking.
Another moment of silence passed between them, Jeff using his free hand to rub over his face. He let out a laugh that was probably entirely nerves, saying, "I don't even know what to do now."
Nick glanced out the back window at the cars still driving past on the road, frowning. "I don't know if there even is anything that you can do right now. Safely, anyways."
Jeff nodded, letting out a long breath. "Right," he said slowly, looking out the window as well. As time ticked by, Nick could tell that he was calming down, but his hands were still trembling even as Nick tried to help him steady them (it didn't help that he was fairly certain he was shaking as well). "Like… I think that I could probably just… back up. I really think that I could do that, if I got a window and had traction."
"Probably," he agreed, closing his eyes for a moment and laying his head back against the headrest.
"I mean, it's a Jeep. It can do that. People take these things mudding."
"They usually have better tires on them if they want to go mudding," he pointed out with a sigh.
"Okay, true. But still. This car isn't, like, a Prius. It can do work," Jeff said.
"I know," Nick said, giving his hand a squeeze. He opened his eyes again, looking over at him. "Breathe. Okay? We don't want you freaking out."
Jeff nodded slowly, letting out a long breath and giving him a small smile.
He reached out and pulled him closer to him, so that he could run his fingers through Jeff's hair with his free hand. His fingertips brushed over his cheeks like he knew that Jeff loved, making him smile.
"That could have been so much worse," Jeff said under his breath after a moment.
"I know," he said.
"What if we weren't in the right lane? The cars can't stop in time, we could have gotten hit. We could've died."
"I know," Nick repeated, his fingers threading through Jeff's hair and shushing him gently. "But we're okay."
"We're okay," Jeff repeated, his voice inaudible over the sound of rain on the roof of the car.
They stayed like that for a while, covering each other in gentle touched and soft words as the rain continued to pour. Eventually the sun came out from the clouds and the rain tapered to a stop, and Jeff felt that it was about time that he actually did something about their circumstances, but only after assuring Nick that he really was okay and he could drive, no problem.
Despite Jeff's adamant beliefs that a Jeep Wrangler should be able to get out of this situation with no problem, it turned out that Nick was likely right about the tires. Paired with their awkward placement on the side of the road, what Jeff was mostly capable of doing was getting the tires to spin. As much as they both wanted to be able to just start the car up and get going again so that they could just get out of here, it wasn't an option, and they ended up having to call AAA and wait for a tow truck to come help them out.
The entire time they were waiting, neither of them said anything. They just looked at each other, their hands linked together like that little connection between them was the only thing that mattered in the world. Both of them startled when the tow truck arrived and the driver came out to help them, causing them both to laugh as themselves in embarrassment. The man seemed friendly about it, telling them that he was having a long day and things like that made his day the little bit more interesting that he needed in order to get by. He then proceeded to get the car out of the ditch with the ease of a man who had done this day in and day out for years.
As soon as they were back on the road and moving, Jeff took hold of Nick's hand again. "So…" he started. "I know that we had been planning to at least make it to another state today, but…"
"You want to stop somewhere here instead?"
"If you don't mind," he said, nodding.
"Yeah, of course," he said.
Jeff gave him a grateful smile, and at the next exit that looked reasonably populated with businesses, they got off and found a hotel. He went inside and got a room for the two of them, and they brought their bags up in relative silence. As soon they had set their things down, they looked at each other for a moment before collapsing into the same bed together, arms winding around each other. Nick curled himself around Jeff, pulling him in as close as he could and rubbing his hands over his back.
In turn, Jeff pressed himself against Nick as much as he could, as if he thought that maybe just maybe if he tried hard enough they could occupy the same space, that how close they were now was just not close enough.
Looking down at him, taking in the way he was now, feeling him clinging so close to him, it made Nick feel warm with a wave of affection for him that it almost ached. It made his heart pound, but not unpleasantly, and it almost felt like it was beyond his control when he opened his mouth.
"No more of this," he said.
Jeff looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. "Hm?" he hummed in question, a small frown on his lips.
"Jeff," he said softly, letting out a soft breath. "I… I am done, so done with this." He could see that Jeff had opened his mouth to start talking, probably something way off base, so he continued quickly. "I am done pretending that what I feel for you is anything less than what it is."
Blinking in surprise, he nodded slowly. "And… that is?" he asked after a moment, his voice still carrying a note of hesitation.
"I'm… I'm not sure what exactly it is," he said, shaking his head slightly. "I'm not ready to call it love, because that's just way too fast and honestly I don't even know if I know what love even is right now, but I know that it could become love if we were to give it time. But right now, I… I don't know what to call it, god, I don't think I've ever felt like this before."
Jeff just looked at him for a moment, a wide smile creeping across his lips. "You don't have to say it back, I really, really understand, but," he said. He paused for a moment, then, "I love you."
Any words that Nick would have said were lost for a moment as he stared at him with some mixture of disbelief and overwhelming happiness. "You love me," he said after what had to be a full minute.
"I love you," he repeated with a soft laugh, nodding. "I love you." If it was possible, Jeff had his arms even tighter around him now.
Nick closed the space between them, pressing their lips together. He felt Jeff take in a sharp breath before kissing him back, their lips moving slowly together, carefully, like they were both trying to preserve the moment and make sure they perfectly remembered the curve of each other's lips. Nick sighed contently into the kiss, his cheek cupped in Jeff's hand.
When they pulled back, Jeff pressed their foreheads together, smiling at him. "I've wanted to do that since…" he trailed off, chuckling softly. "A little part of me fell in love with you the second I first saw you."
Nick chuckled softly, kissing him again, this one just barely more than a peck, but it still sent the same thrill through him. "I think maybe part of me did the same."
"Maybe," he said, chuckling softly. His hand ran up and down Nick's side slowly, his hand a gentle pressure that was familiar yet at the same time felt better to him than it ever had before. He leaned forward and kissed Nick again, and he certainly wasn't about to complain.
They lost track of time laying there like that, their bodies tangled together and their lips working together against each other. It just felt natural, like they'd been doing this for longer than just however many seconds, minutes – hours? — they really had. They shifted from laying on their sides to have Nick laying on top of him, Jeff's arms wound around him and holding him firmly against him.
Eventually Nick's hand slid down Jeff's side, his fingers running along the hem of his shirt. He felt him shiver when his fingers slipped under the fabric, chuckling softly. He pulled the shirt up, pulling back from Jeff for just long enough to be able to get it off of him.
Once his shirt was off, Jeff moved his hand down to the bottom of Nick's shirt. He pulled it up slightly, then sat back to look at him. "Hey," he said softly as he looked up at him, making sure that he had his attention.
"Hmm?"
Jeff gave him a small smile, leaning up for a second to give him another quick kiss. "I don't want to have sex with you," he said, then added quickly, "I mean, well, you know, not yet."
"Okay," he nodded slightly. "I didn't, you know, mean to…"
"No," he cut him off, shaking his head. "You didn't. You aren't. Don't worry about it. I just… I just wanted to make that clear. I'm about to take your shirt off and we're going to kiss and touch each other's skin but… that's as far as I want it to go. For right now."
"Alright," Nick said with a small nod, giving him a smile.
Jeff smiled back at him, continuing to pull his shirt off with his help. Once they were both shirtless, they pressed themselves close together again, their bare chests touching. Kissing him again, Jeff ran his fingers over his back, tracing down along his spine.
After a while longer, they stopped kissing, just laid on their sides looking at each other. They were holding each other close still, their chests rising and falling in synchronization so that their bodies were never more than an inch apart.
Nick smiled at the feeling of Jeff's hands so warm and soft against his skin. He seemed to be really enjoying it as well, his palm making a steady path over his skin.
"I like this," Jeff commented as his fingertips ghosted over a line of freckles on Nick's shoulder.
"What?" he asked, chuckling softly.
"These freckles remind me of Orion's belt," he said.
"The constellation?"
"Yeah, the constellation," he said with a nod. He dipped his head down, pressing a kiss to each of the freckles. "It's the only one that I can always find."
Nick just smiled at him, holding him tighter.
The rest of the month was… somehow both completely insignificant and also so, so important.
They barely left the hotel room. Hell, they barely even got out of bed for the entirety of the month. It was almost like they thought that what they had was a dream that would go away the second they woke up, even though they both knew it wasn't.
But maybe it was the fact that things were easier this way: there were still things that they needed to talk about, to work out, like the fact that they lived on opposite sides of the country, Nick had intended to go back to college (this very month, in fact, but he forced himself to not think about that, in favor of other things) and Nick may or may not have been becoming a father. For now, they weren't going to worry about those things; this was their honeymoon period, and damned if they weren't going to let themselves be happy and spend days on end lying in bed in their own filth.
They didn't have sex in August. Jeff seemed to set the pace, and Nick wasn't about to rush him; he was perfectly happy with the way things were going.
(Part of him felt like he was supposed to be nervous about whenever they actually did have sex, seeing as Jeff had had sex with guys before but he had not, but he couldn't find it in him to be at all worried.)
When they did leave the hotel room, Jeff would always make a big deal out of the fact that their excursions were dates and Nick, we're dating, you're my boyfriend, we're on a date. He was like a puppy and it was the most adorable thing that he had ever seen.
August of 2014 ended up being a month that Nick would regard as the happiest month of his life, a fact that felt at odds with how little actually happened during that month, and how it felt so long yet so short at the same time. Almost nothing that he did the entire month was a real decision or came with consequences, and the one thing that did was something he was fairly certain he would never regret in any way, shape, or form.
The feeling of Jeff's arms holding him closely and his lips brushing against his skin as he told him quiet stories at any hour of the day (falling asleep and waking up just whenever instead of having what most people would consider reasonable waking hours) was what he remembered most about that month. Some details grew hazy with time; he wouldn't remember what Jeff said that made him laugh until his chest hurt, or what exactly it was that Jeff got him to hand feed him. But he knew he'd remember the way Jeff watched him as he laughed with such a pleased, wide smile on his lips, or how Jeff kissed his fingertips as he ate.
He let all of those feelings wash over him, choosing to ignore how the last time he had felt like this was when he had just gotten engaged to Natalie. This was different, Jeff was different.