cries bc it's midnight. I didn't make my Saturday deadline.

Oh well, enjoy~

Fem!Italy is Alice, Aly-ch-ee

Fem!iggy is Guinevere, like king Arthur's wife thing, pronounced Gwen-a-veer

EDIT: Oh look, I'm actually awake now~

The next morning, in his first bell study hall, Matthew was surprised to see Lovino plop down at his table, with a huge coffee tumbler.

"Lovino? You're in this class?" Lovino nodded and knocked back some of his caffeinated beverage as Matthew continued, "I've never seen you before."

"It's fucking first bell study hall. Almost everyone skips it," Lovino looked at him as though he was an alien.

Matthew glanced around the room and noticed that he was the only one in the room actually (trying to be) doing something productive. "Hm... I suppose so. Why are you here then?"

"Several reasons. The potato bitch's car is in the shop, so Ali needed a ride, I got a text from Lotte about something 'super duper important', the fucking tomato bastard called me ridiculously early, and I'm giving you an opportunity to get closer to the albino."

"Um... what?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and took another huge gulp of coffee, "Short version: Ali, Alice, is my sorellina - ugh, damn it, little sister - and the potato bitch is her girlfriend in everything but name, aka Monika Beilschmidt, your albino's little sister. Lotte, as in Lotte Peeters - Belgian girl, always wears a headband, you'd probably know her if you saw her - texted me and then gave me this," Lovino extracted an envelope and tossed it at Matthew, "Which is an invitation to attend a party to celebrate her anniversary with a guy that I set her up with. You're coming with me, because I know for a fact that Julchen and her duo of idiots are going to be there, and, as the Spice Girls said, 'you gotta get with her friends'. Got all that?"

"Uh, I think so?" Matthew flipped the envelope in his hands and noticed that it was still sealed. "Oh, but how do you know all that if the envelope is still closed? And didn't you say something about a 'tomato bastard'? You didn't explain him."

"I have my sources, Matteo. I'm not the most successful matchmaker in town for nothing, damn it." Lovino's ears flushed a bit as he considered the second question. "A-and as for the tomato bastard, he doesn't fucking matter. He's an irrelevant idiot. Don't ask about him again."

Later, at about 5, Lovino came to pick up Matthew. Matthew's first indicator was Lovino honking loudly several times, and then it was confirmed by Alfred yelling "Oh my god, that's a Maserati convertible," and running out of the house to coo at the sport car.

When Matthew exited the house, hoping on one foot as he finished tying his shoe, Lovino had gotten out of his car and was trying to shoo Alfred away. Good luck with that, Matthew thought, Alfred's love for sports cars is only bested by his love for food.

The two paused in their argument to stare at Matthew, and he felt himself flushing under the attention. "Ah, is there something wrong?"

"Are you seriously wearing that?" Lovino asked. Matthew looked down at his clothing. He was just wearing a graphic tee and jeans, was that wrong?

"Yes? You said it was casual, right?"

"Ugh, I forgot that that's American for casual," Matthew took this pause to examine Lovino's clothing; A blank white shirt, dark washed jeans, and a yellow decorative scarf. Matthew suddenly felt underdressed. "Whatever, it'll work. Come on."

Matthew hopped into the car, briefly waving to the two girls in the back seats, Must be Alice and Monika.

"Hey, 'Vino, wait!" Alfred yelled as they began to pull away.

"What do you want?" Lovino groaned.

Alfred messed with the hem of his shirt and blushed a bit, behavior so weird for his brother that Matthew wondered if someone had replaced Alfred with a robot in the last minute. "Er, I just wanted to know if you had thought about… the thing that I asked you about… you know?"

"Yeah yeah, of course I know," Lovino sighed, "Look, Alfred, I would love to help you and the wino and every fucking other idiot who's attracted to her for some reason, but she said that if I wanted her help - and Dio knows that I need it, even if I don't want it - then I'm not allowed to match her. Mi dispiace, but my hands are fucking tied."

"Yeah, no, it's fine. No problem, 'Vino, I understand." Alfred waved and Lovino drove off, leaving Matthew to be confused.

"Ah, who is this girl? I kind of… thought Alfred was gay."

Lovino winced slightly, but answered, "That'd sure make things easier; our school has a fucking abundance of gay."

The girl that Matthew thought was Alice giggled, "E si sa, non è vero, fratello?"

"Shut the fuck up, Ali, nessuno ti ha chiesto!" Lovino turned a blotchy red and growled back.

"Ah, ma qualcuno mi ha chiesto."

"Tsk, chi diavolo potrebbe chiedere?"

Matthew waited with baited breath for Alice's response, even though he couldn't understand her, and even though Lovino visibly tensed, and even though Alice looked like she was the cat that had caught the canary.

"Oh, sai, nessuno importante," She paused, most likely for dramatic emphasis, "Basta fratellone Tonio~"

Matthew heard an exasperated sigh through the - now rapid - Italian, and turned in his seat to see Monika face palming.

"So I take it they do this often, eh?" Matthew asked.

"Ja," She sighed, "Every time they're together. Lovino says something and Alice will shift the conversation to Italian to antagonize him," She looked up and gave him something akin to a smile, "I'm Monika Beilschmidt, by the way."

"Matthew Williams-Jones. Pleased to meet you."

Monika blinked at him for a second, before clearing her throat, "So you're the one that-"

The car jerked as Lovino slammed on the brakes. He pulled open his door and yanked his seat forward. "We're here. Get the fuck out of my car."

Everyone obediently piled out of the car, and Matthew was about to go in, but Lovino grabbed his arm. "Stay. We have to wait for her," He glanced down at his phone, "She says shouldn't take too fucking long. Idiot, texting while she's driving. I hope she crashes."

"But who is she?"

In that moment, a painfully pink Vespa came up to the curve, and a girl with pigtails, wearing ripped jeans, a light blue shirt, and leather jacket walked over to them.

"You should wear a helmet, bitch."

"As if I need one. I drive like a normal human being, unlike some wankers."

The pair stared each other down for a second, and Matthew worried that he would have to intervene, before bursting out in laughter. "Eh?"

"Oh," Lovino straightened up, "This bitch is Guinevere Kirkland. She's going to help you get along with the rest of the pervert trio."

Matthew was offended on Julchen's behalf, but there were more pressing issues. "You're not coming with me?"

"No, I… I can't go near those bastards. For reasons."

Guinevere began to cackle as Lovino blushed, "You're still whining about that? Bloody hell, Lovino, grow a pair already!"

"Fuck you! I'm not bitching about it, I just… don't want to deal with it."

"Who?" Matthew interrupted the argument.

"Has Lovino not told you about his-"

"Nothing! My nothing, because it is nothing. Come on, time to go meet the Bad Touch Trio."

Sorry that I'm not sorry about the Italian conversation. Loose translations are below. Okay chapter notes that no one really cares about.

*Fem!iggy is Guinevere because I know everyone uses Alice, but I like Ali-ch-ee for Fem!ita, so...

*Fem!iggy and Romano are bffsies, or as close as two tsunderes can get to being bffs

*Lovi has a bunch of cars. In this chapter, he's driving a Masserati Gran Cabrio, bc its a 4-seater, Italian convertable

*I really enjoy making Italy the bane of Lovino's existence~

The magnifico Italian conversation:

"E si sa, non è vero, fratello?": And you would know, wouldn't you, brother?

"Shut the fuck up, Ali, nessuno ti ha chiesto!": No one asked you!

"Ah, ma qualcuno mi ha chiesto.": Ah, but someone asked me.

"Tsk, chi diavolo potrebbe chiedere?": Who the hell woul ask you?

"Oh, sai, nessuno importante," She paused, most likely for dramatic emphasis, "Basta fratellone Tonio~": Oh, you know, no one important. Just big bro Tonio~"

Review or whatever (especially if you prefer fruk over usuk or vice versa, bc irdk which to choose)