A/N: Thanks to all those who reviewed! You guys made my day, thanks XD
Also, could any of you perhaps read my other LotR story, Welcome to ME High? *wink wink*

Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings.

Gandalf
Wherever You Are
99998 Middle-earth
Arda

Dear Gandalf,

Where are you? We've been attacked by these creepy guys in black, and Frodo's been stabbed. He's moaning and groaning and I don't think I can stand it for another two minutes. This guy, your friend Strider, isn't much help. All he did when he found out Frodo was injured was throw a bunch of smelly weeds in boiling water and clean Frodo's wound with 'em. Not very tactful, if you ask me. (Sam tells me to add that he doesn't like Strider much either.)

We need you, so come quickly, before Frodo drops dead or whatever.

Hurry up!
~Pippin

WARNING THIS LETTER HAS BEEN RETURNED TO THE SENDER STOP DO NOT READ MAY CONTAIN IMPLICIT MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN STOP RETURNED TO SENDER STOP DO NOT READ STOP WARNING STOP STOP DO NOT CONTINUE STOP

Peregrin Took
Weathertop
33009 Middle-earth
Arda

Oh, hobbit, you did NOT just send me that letter.

Do you even have an inkling of what I've gone through the last few days? For your information, I've been imprisoned by a psychopath wizard (whose tower can use a bit of scrubbing), I've been "rescued" by a friendly eagle who doesn't know what a speed limit is (nearly poked out my eyeballs when I threw up in his face), and now I'm in Rivendell replying to your stupid letter while Elrond wiggles his ridiculous eyebrows in my direction. And you have the guts to write to me and tell me to "come quickly?" I'll make you pay for this, you dirty little, you rotten little, you—

* The rest of the letter has been censored due an unfortunate accident involving the postmaster collapsing when he read the remainder of Gandalf's "letter."

Gandalf
Rivendell
02448 Middle-earth
Arda

Mithrandir,

I'm disappointed in you. We didn't appoint you just so you could go around yelling at poor defenseless little hobbits and throwing the Arda postmaster into unconsciousness. Who taught you to swear like that, anyway? Not that I'm jealous of your impressive knowledge of cuss words, anyway. Tulkas knows far more of them than you, and so do I.

But do tell me, what in Arda does **** mean? Send the answer to me via Quickbeam-mail, because that way Yavanna or Mandos can't get their hands on your reply. They've been going through my drawers and peeking at all my letters. I have half a mind to report them to Ilúvatar. What do you think?

~Manwë Sullimo

Arwen Undómiel
Rivendell
02448 Middle-earth
Arda

Dearest Arwenne,

Love. I remember you with love.

With lots of love,
~Aragorn

Aragorn
The Road
99999 Middle-earth
Arda

Dear Aragorn,

Do I know you?

Sincerely,
~Undómiel

P.S.: "Arwen" is spelled A-R-W-E-N, not A-R-W-E-N-N-E.

~Undómiel

Legolas
Mirkwood the Great
107655 Middle-earth
Arda

Dear Legolas,

I hate your guts.

Best wishes,
~Gimli

Gimli
[Forwarded to Rivendell]
02448 Middle-earth
Arda

Dear Gimli,

That was a disgusting letter that you sent me. What do you mean, you hate my "guts?" What did my poor guts ever do to you? For that matter, do you even know what the normal ellon's insides look like? I bet you my bow and quiver that you don't. So keep your nasty little comments to yourself, or I'm telling Aragorn that it was you who rubbed oil all over his boots and made him fall down flat on his face in that battle with Sauron's army.

~Legolas

Thranduil
Mirkwood the Great
107655 Middle-earth
Arda

Thranduil,

What is your son's letter doing in my mailbox? And what's this about Estel falling down flat on his face in battle? Do you know anything about it? Not that I care, anyway.

~Elrond

Elrond
Rivendell
02448 Middle-earth
Arda

Elrond,

It's Greenwood,for Valinor's sake. And I don't know what you're talking about. So Aragorn tripped during battle, hmm? Big deal.

I showed your letter to Legolas, and he agrees with me that there must have been a mistake. It seems to me that my savant son wrote a letter to one of your former guests, a Dwarf with the name of Gimli. My theory is that this Gimli forwarded all his mail to his temporary address in Imladris when he was attending your Council, and he forgot all about it when he returned to his cave, or wherever he lives. Trust a Dwarf to make such a blundering, careless mistake.

~Thranduil

Thranduil
Mirkwood the Great
107655 Middle-earth
Arda

Thranduil,

Thank you for your assistance. I believe that your suspicions are correct; that explains why I've been receiving these crazy bills addressed to "Mr. Gimli" for the last few months.

In case you're curious, according to the letters, Mr. Gimli has maxed out his credit card for the ninth time in one year. That doesn't surprise me; he seems to have been drinking enough to. It looks to me as if he's visited every single bar in Gondor and Rohan since he left Imladris.

Wonder who he has for a drinking partner, though? I heard that Dwarves are quite good at holding their liquor, though not as much as us Elves, and from these bills I've received, I'm guessing that he's befriended an Elf. An Elf.Can you believe it?

If you have any idea of who Master Gimli's drinking partner is, send me your answer.

~Elrond

* Thranduil thoughtfully chose not to reply to this, as at the very moment he was reading the latest letter Elrond wrote him, Legolas staggered in with Gimli, both of them very drunk and singing an out-of-tune (and quite lousy) drinking song.*

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~Enchanted Authoress