A/N: Another update before Christmas! You can all go ahead and consider this your Christmas present because there is absolutely no guarantee there will be another one before. Which could mean a bit of a wait…and I am warning you about it this time! ;-) I am going to a festival over Christmas, my Birthday and New Years (Yes, my B'day falls in between those two dates) and writing and posting opportunities will be non-existent till I get back. I also might be sleeping for a week afterwards! ;-P
At this time of year, we are compelled to look back at the year that's been and I just wanted to say that conversing with all of you has been something that has made my year brighter, and I hope I have been able to share some joy with all of you as well.
I want to wish all you lovely people a very happy holiday's with your family and friends, and may this time be filled with love and peace. :-)
LSLSLS
Content warning: There's some swearing in this. Rachel had a potty mouth in her mind apparently…at least according to me. ;-)
LSLSLS
Alisha visibly relaxed at the confirmation, but before long her attention again seemed to draw inward as contradicting thoughts caused her features to mar with confusion.
"I thought it must be him. But I don't understand, why did you make it out like both of us had gotten…this way…back in that place? You know, when the Captain was listening. Surely he would know how you got pregnant, if he was there?" Alisha reasoned out loud.
"Umm…" Shit, Shit, shit. Think fast, Rachel! Well, what do they say? Best why to make a lie convincing is to pepper it with at least some truth. Rachel just hoped that telling Alisha this much about her Mother's true plan would not make the whole point of her initial ill advised lie completely redundant.
"Well, Alisha, even though I didn't get this was in that place…it was still related to my condition just as it as yours…"
"I don't understand…if the Captain is the father…?" Alisha interrupted.
"Umm…let me explain... I did that because I knew neither of us could hide our conditions now…because of how glaring the timings is of both our conceptions…" The young woman looked away from her then, and Rachel could have kicked herself. She knew Alisha did not like acknowledging her own condition so starkly...or its origins.
Rachel knew Alisha was only keeping it together enough for them to have a half way viable conversation because they were discussing her supposedly consentual pregnancy, as opposed to Alisha's heavily unconsentual one. That distinction made a hell of a lot of difference when it came to how well Alisha could deal with talking about it.
Rachel made an effort to continue their conversation with as much abstractness as possible.
"What I mean is, we both got this way at a really similar time, me only a day or two after you, and it was completely unviable for the Captain not to question that timing when he found out about both of us…"
"But he didn't have to ever find out about me! If the timing was just a coincidence…" The distressed woman on the bed argued strongly.
"But it wasn't Alisha! That's what I'm trying to explain! You remember this was one of the possibilities we talked about when we discussed why…she…might have done this." Not quite in time, Rachel remembered that she was the woman who must not be named, in any way, at least in front of Alisha.
"What reasons?" Alisha's voice was suddenly as cold as ice. Yeah…mentioning her Mother had not gone down well. Rachel could feel Alisha drawing away from her again.
Now committed to telling this small amount of truth, Rachel thought it better to just get it out and over with. She continued…
"We thought that maybe she might have wanted to, you know, carry on her genetic line… Being too old to do so herself…" Rachel trailed off. Further talk of Alisha's Mother was unnecessary…and likely damaging… Rachel could see that Alisha picked up on her insinuation quite easily.
Alisha was still quiet for a long time, eerily quiet. She finally looked up at Rachel, face hard. "You think that was the case now, that she did this deliberately?"
"Yes I do." Rachel confirmed earnestly. "It never should have been so easy for you to get…like this, and so quickly too. The math was illogically back then but when you add me to the mix, it clearly speaks to something else going on." Rachel answered that much honestly.
"What?" Alisha was still with her, but holding on by a single thread now. She practically spat her single worded question, but Rachel did not take offence, she just proceeded with a thankfully honest explanation of the first part of how this happened…fully knowing that the second part would now need substantial editing.
"I think it had to have been the injection we were both given... It's the only explanation that makes any sense now... I believe they used whatever than drug was to make this outcome so much more likely." Rachel explained.
As she finished, Rachel watched the young broken women's eye relight…but in challenge this time.
"But why would they have given you that too?! If…that bitch…only wanted a grandkid?! Are you telling me the truth?!" Alisha questioned angrily.
Yeah… lying about this may not have been Rachel's best idea ever, but she was still at a loss for better options to navigate the emotional minefield. Alisha was smart, but she was also emotionally shattered right now. And the truth would break her where there was no way she could not afford to be further broken…
Fix this, fix this… Rachel chanted the mantra in her mind.
"Alisha, I promise I told you the truth." Liar, liar, liar. "I was knocked out just as you saw me be and nothing happened after I woke up and then you were brought back." At least that was what I thought until this morning…
Alisha clearly was still not convinced. "And you're sure nothing happened while you were out?"
Damn. Why did she have to be so damn specific in her logical probing? Rachel had been priding herself on her ability to navigate this minefield, throwing down more verbal omissions than actual lies. As much as she knew the Captain disapproved of the practice... He was about to disapprove of it a hell of a lot more… Oh well, now the bird had already flown, the ship had already sailed and therefore a flat out bald-faced lie it was. Though maybe augmented slightly…
"Alisha, I woke up in the same place, fully clothed, feeling normal…if very drugged. It's simply ridiculous to think anything like what happened to you could have happened with out me knowing it." And that was true.
Alisha considered her words for a long while, before her shoulders slumped and her features dropped…at least most…of their suspicion. "Yes, yes I suppose it is. But then why did they give you the injection too?" Alisha questioned, in a more relaxed tone now that she had been at least partially placated.
Shit, more lying.
"I don't honestly don't know, Alisha." Yep, bald faced lie right there. "I suppose the worst case scenario is that they did intend to do something to me as well, but they just didn't get time. The Captain got us out in time…at least in time for me." Rachel corrected herself with chagrin.
Alisha gaze glossed over at her misspeak, her thoughts clearly travelling back to that terrible time. "Best case scenario?" She questioned with quiet curiosity. Still not entirely mollified, Rachel thought.
"Well, despite their 'genius only' mandate, I got to say that none of them actually seemed all that bright to me. Injecting me too could have just been a mistake to start with." First part was all too true, second part was a flat out lie…
Rachel felt Alisha's hard gaze upon her, she was being studied for the truth of her words and she knew it. She hoped she projected back an aura that would not be questioned. She deliberately filled that aura with all the hope and well meaning she had for the woman before her. Her lies held no ill intent…only love.
And it seemed like Alisha was going to accept them…thank God. Rachel watched the other woman again seem to relax, appearing satisfied with the results of her appraisal.
"So you and the Captain are together? Was it since Baltimore? Does he know about the baby now? You said you got pregnant really soon after…" It seemed Alisha was all too happy to change the subject to one she assumed to be a far happier subject. A natural assumption given her big fat lies.
And she had said that, hadn't she? That she had gotten pregnant just after Baltimore… She had had too…the timing didn't work any other way. But shit goddammit! She had just told Alisha that the Captain had slept with her only days after his wife's death!…and had gotten her pregnant! How could she have done that to him!?
Oh god, it was true what her Mother had told her all those year ago. Lies really did spiral out of your control really really fast. The only lesson she had been taught of that was that it was better not to tell any lies to start with. But when you had to? Well, she had missed that part of the lecture, if it had ever existed. She was going to assume the simple answer was that you were just screwed. Just totally and utterly in it, with whomever else you had dumped in it too. Shit.
"Umm…we're not exactly together…" Rachel hedged, while frantically trying to come up with a way to fix this that didn't totally dump the Captain in it.
"Why not? Does he know about the baby?" Alisha seemed confused and concerned. She was truly a darling to worry about her even in the midst of her own misery.
"He does know…but, umm…Alisha, I need you to do me a favor and not say anything about this quite yet. You must understand that the timing of this is…unfortunate, it was so soon after he had lost his wife…" She struggled for an explanation that would be both believable and at the same would excuse Tom's non-existent disloyalty. But she had backed herself into a corner really well on this one, the best she could come up with was…
"It was actually just one time, he was grieving, I was in a bad place after Baltimore too, but still I shouldn't have let things go so far… you understand, right?"
Alisha was silent for several seconds, considering. Though her thoughts seems suddenly troubled again…
"Yeah…I guess this is difficult for you as well…" The younger woman spoke morosely and too late Rachel realized how terrible it sounded to lament a supposedly consentually conceived pregnancy in front of a woman suffering from an unconsentual one.
"Oh, Alisha! I wasn't meaning to compare my situation to yours! I'm just worried about the Captain…Tom…I don't want to push him into anything…it was far too soon..." Anytime would have been too soon to do something he wasn't interested in to start with. She was not a talented liar. But yeah, she really didn't want Tom to feel obligated to her for something he hadn't actually done… But now at least one person believed he had… how could she has done this to him?!
"I didn't mean it that way, Dr. Scott. I understand where you are coming from. But I've also watched the Captain with you for quite a few months now. He loves you, and he will love his baby too. I know nothing would have happened if his wife had survived and been brought back, and I know your right that this is soon. But I'm confident everything will work out well for both of you. Our Captain's an honorable man. Learning that he was with you after Baltimore doesn't change my opinion of him in that, I don't think anything could. He'll do the right thing by you and his baby. I'm confident there wouldn't have even been a baby if he didn't already love you. You will all be all right. And I'm happy for you." Alisha smiled at her in comfort, clearly thinking that Rachel's troubles were over when really some new and far too interesting ones were only just beginning…
Rachel didn't know how to respond to that. Quite simply none of it was true. But the younger woman didn't know that and she seemed comforted by the various false assumptions attached to her lie. And that had been the goal of her lies to start with…so she let them stand. In this room, only she knew how close to Alisha's situation her realty really was. She was just as alone, and quite honestly…just as terrified. But she didn't have the Lieutenant's abundant emotional bombardment left over from Baltimore to add to it. It allowed her to see thing some degree of clearer, and perhaps see that there were other options. But none of them involved the happy families that Alisha was so kindly envisioning, without a trace of identifiable jealousy, for her.
As Rachel considered her own abysmal ethical situation, she at first failed to notice the change in the air and on the young Lieutenants face. When she finally did focus her attention on the young woman she could see clearly that they has moved on from her apparently joyous situation to Alisha's far less so one.
"Alisha?" She queried the other woman quietly. Alisha was not looking at her. She was staring at the the bunk bed above her, but at the same time not appearing to see it.
"So you would have told him them?" Rachel didn't need to ask what or who she was talking about.
"Yes." She affirmed quietly.
"Everything?" Alisha's voice broke slightly on the question.
"There was no need to go into needlessly graphic detail about some things…but basically, yes." More than I told you actually, Rachel silently added.
How had she gone from feeling guilty about not telling Alisha first, to not telling her at all, and lying about the truth? Was she that noble or than despicable? Rachel honestly couldn't decide right now. But Alisha was still talking and not curled up in a quivering nonresponsive ball like she had been at other times this last month, so that was something…
"How did he…? Does he…? What does he think of…?" A sob broke Alisha's last failed attempt to form a full sentence.
"What does he think of you?" Rachel surmised the young woman's worry.
"Yes." Alisha confirmed on another sob.
"Alisha, he doesn't think anything different of you than he did yesterday, a month a go, or even three months ago. You bear absolutely no responsibility in this and absolutely nobody, including the Captain, is saying any differently. Nothing I informed him of today changed a thing about his high opinion of you. Your Mother on the other hand…"
When a sound that was somewhere between a sob and a growl was admitted from the prostrate woman on the bunk, Rachel realized she had accidently broken the cardinal rule about mentioning the woman. She moved to make immediate amends.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Alisha. But that is the direction all the blame is being laid, none is being put at your, or even my, feet. Not a piece." And it was absolutely true that none belonged or was being placed at Alisha's feet. She, on the other hand, while she didn't actually think anyone was blaming her, she wasn't convinced they shouldn't be, at least in some small way. She had totally messed up the handling of the situation, something that she was continuing to do to this very hour…
LSLSLS
Rachel left Alisha's quarters some hours later, not long after Kara returned, looking more relaxed than she had been before. She had been happy to see Alicia not looking quite as unhappy as when she had left. Rachel had let the conversation flow away from Alicia's unhappy situation and focus more on her apparently joyous one. Or so Alicia seemed to wholeheartedly believe. As it seemed to calm and distract the younger women, Rachel had had no viable reason to direct the subject away from her lie.
And so that was how the next few hours had proceeded. Some of the time had been spent in companionable silence. Alicia had napped some, without actually falling asleep. Rachel thought she was probably deliberately fighting it. She knew her sleep had not been restful of late. But when they had talked, it was Rachel and her exciting new relationship that Alicia insisted on discussing. It was clear that the other women wanted attention drawn away from her own situation. But Rachel thought her interest was more than just that.
The other women seemed genuinely excited for her. At a time when she had not thought she was been capable of getting excited about anything at all. And her excitement was a lot less about the baby…that was still a little too close to home for her. No, it was much more about the supposed confirmation of an, apparently long suspected amongst the crew, relationship between her and the Captain.
Yes, she was deep in it with the lying, but at least the situation had not devolved any further today, truth was it might actually have improved. Alicia had been able to focus on something other than her own misery for a little while and talk contentedly about it. Too bad it was a complete fabrication...
That made Rachel consider just how deep she really was in, and just how likely it was that her deception will eventually be discovered. She had asked Alicia not to spread the news of her condition or whom she believed was responsible, and Rachel didn't think she would. But when she considered it, what Rachel thought probably was a danger, was Alicia telling the only other person that she believed already knew. Tom.
He would go to her before too long too. He would be very worried about Alisha even now, and he wouldn't stop himself from at least checking on her general well being sometime very soon. And at that point things could get dicey. Alisha had demonstrated today how apt she was to discuss Rachel's supposedly vastly superior situation in preference to her own sad tale of woe. And by Rachel's own admission, she had the green light to do so. Tom already knew…not.
Damn. Rachel was bone weary at this point, but again, sleep was going to have to wait. Not that it was the most attractive possibility anyway, like Alisha, sleep had not been her closest companion of late…but it was still something one needed, but not now. She he had confessions to make, even more confessions. He was going to love that…
Rachel had not anticipated, and didn't relish another meeting with Tom so quickly. Actually that wasn't entirely true, there was a secret part of her that reveled in every single interaction they had, even when they were yelling at each other. In his presence a long thought dead part of Rachel came alive, and it was impossible not to be drawn to the man when his very presence evoked such feelings in her.
Rachel supposed it was lucky there was a part of her than enjoyed it even when they were yelling at each other, because yelling would likely be involved in this next conversation. She had to tell him that she had willfully started a rumor that he had basically been unfaithful to his wife and had negligently got a woman pregnant because of it.
Yeah, this new confession was going to go fabulously!
TBC
A/N: Yes, I know people were dying to read how Tom finds out about Rachel's lie and his reaction to it, but we weren't quite there yet. Coming up next, I promise. Just working the kinks out of that particular complex conversation. Please review and see you all in 2015! :-D
Sneak Peak:
"I have another confession to make."
"I thought you said you told me everything."
"I did, but that was several hours ago. I've screwed up even further since then..."