A/N: Ok, after this long a wait I know nobody wants to read me blab on and on in the author's notes, suffice it to say I'm sorry and I'll try to do better next time. *puppy dog eyes*
LSLSLS
Rachel stood before Captain Thomas Chandler's office door. She knew he was in there. She had gone looking for him on the bridge had found Commander Slattery instead. He had directed her here.
From the look the large man had given her, it had been abundantly clear that Tom he had already spoken with him…and told him everything. Everything. He had looked at her with a mixture of uncertainty and pity. A somewhat odd mixture, and neither did Rachel love being the subject of. But she supposed she should start getting used to it now…it was only going to get worse from here...
Thankfully, the Commander had not made any attempts to engage her in any further conversation…or interrogation…and she was immensely glad of it. Even if the only likely reason was that he simply didn't have a clue what to say to her…she should probably get used to that too.
Rachel realized she really needed to hurry up and knock on the damn door in front of her. If anyone came by right now, it would look supremely odd that she was just standing there staring at a closed door. And it could fuel rumors too, given whose door it was…but again, that was probably going to happen anyway…
Rachel let out a heavy sigh…so much was out of her control now... She really did understand some of what Alisha was feeling. Complete abject helplessness was not a fun state to be in…
Except Rachel had to acknowledge, that at the moment, she was the one that kept actively taking choices out of her own hands… Self-destructive much?
With a renewed determination to do what needed to be done and stop beating herself up about it…Rachel knocked on the door.
And then immediately began to panic…she really didn't know what she was going to say… And she really didn't know how on earth she was going to say it…but it was too late…
After mere seconds of waiting…and sudden onset panicking…the door opened.
"Rachel?" He was surprised it was her, it was obvious.
"Umm…hi…" Where did she start? She was the one that had knocked on his door, and yet she was the one now caught completely off guard not knowing what to say. How did that even happen?
"Is everything ok? I didn't expect to be seeing you again so quickly…" Tom trailed off, a confused and slightly concerned frown starting to mar his features.
Yeah, neither had she. "Yeah well I hadn't intended to do this again so soon…no offence… but now I have to…"
Now Tom was really concerned, she looked like she was dreading whatever it was she was here to do…or say…and yet she had said that she had told him the complete truth of their current dilemma a few mere hours ago. What the hell else could there be?
Belatedly, Tom realized they were just standing in his office doorway staring at one another. Quickly moving to remedy the situation, he stepped aside and motioned for her to enter. She did, and he closed…and on instinct, locked…the door behind them.
"What is it, Rachel?" He spoke softly and gently…but there was a slight identifiable edge of impatience…and wariness, in his tone also. He was a smart man, he had already guessed that this visit was of a confessional rather than social nature.
"Rachel?" He prompted again when several long moments passed in complete silence with Rachel looking around the room, he noticed in every direction except his. He saw her gaze fall on a framed photograph of his children for an extended period, a loving but eminently…and confusingly…uncertain look on her face. But when he spoke, her gaze…seemingly begrudgingly…drifted back to him.
"I…I needed to tell you something…rather urgently now…" She really didn't know how she could have done this…to any of them. She had thought her intentions were good, but how could they cause such pain if that were really true?
"Urgently?" He questioned, suddenly even more concerned.
"Yes, though don't worry, it's not the dangerous type of urgent…more the damage control kind…Actually, I have another confession to make..." She was babbling…and still procrastinating. She knew it…but…
"I thought you said you told me everything." And there was that tone she had been waiting for, but not at all wanting to hear. The hard reprimanding Captain one…
She swallowed, nervous.
"I did, but that was several hours ago. I've screwed up even further since then..."
Rachel admitted the vague but unequivocal truth on a hurried breath. She was very much afraid, that at this point, she was only seconds away from losing her nerve… But one look at Tom and it was abundantly clear that leaving this cabin without another round of full disclosure occurring was not going to happen.
Tom sighed, one hand moving to massage his brow, his eyes squeezing shut briefly... He was weary of this. Weary of this roller coaster that had already been the days events and revelations to now. Not to mention the preceding weeks leading up to it…
He had apparently naïvely thought the day's turmoil's might be drawing to a close. The details were out, they were terrible, but they were manageable. At least was the mental approach the Ship's Captain in his was taking. It wouldn't be easy, but he had thought that tomorrow they would be able to start the long but practical journey of making things right, as much as was possible anyway…but apparently he was wrong.
Coming to the obvious decision that continued silence was going to solve nothing, Tom, with an exaggerated movement, slumped into his chair and indicated for Rachel to do the same.
Tom willed himself to relax, with some success. A minimal amount of the tension did leave his face and body, though more from a feeling of helplessness and defeat than any true feeling of relaxation.
Rachel was grateful to sit, but was nervous at the sign that they may once again be settling in for the emotional long haul…
Tom rubbed his face again, a gesture Rachel had come to know well. One that spoke of his extreme but buried frustration…usually with her. Not change there.
She didn't know how to start, but before she could think of a single word to say, Tom suddenly glanced up at her, spearing her with his ice blue gaze and speaking first.
"Rachel…talk." His voice was neither hard nor soft, but it was resolute, commanding… Yes, talk is what she needed to do, for both of their sakes. There were no other options.
"I…I went to see Alisha." Rachel began.
"I figured you would. I wanted to myself, but…you know…" Tom almost looked ashamed of his decision to avoid the young lieutenant.
"No, your were right, it is better if you give her some time right now. I didn't think I had that option. I had left her with questions that I beleived I was obligated to give her answers too…but in hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have gone there either…" She trailed off.
Rachel considered her own words for a moment. Yes, maybe more time would have been better. A lot better. A clearer mind must have been able to come up with a better lie than her desperate one…if a lie had been necessary at all. Oh, she had made such a mess…
"Why? What happened?" Tom questioned her.
"She…she asked me about the baby…mine. Like I told you, she didn't know before, not till you came in. She thought I had lied to her when I told her about my own personal experiences in Baltimore, again, like you thought I had. I told her that I hadn't, promised her that that part was the absolute truth. It was what I believed at the time after all... Apparently I was pretty believable because she jumped straight to…other conclusions." She admitted the last part softly and with embarrassment, her head was tilted forward in shame but her guilt-laden eyes were still gazing up at him beneath heavy lids.
"Other conclusions?" Tom queried. He was more than worried at this point. Before, she had been sad, ashamed, embarrassed... And it hadn't escaped his notice that she had taken a seat on his office couch at the furthest distance from his she possibly could. Now it was even worse. Now she was giving off an aura reminiscent of an incredibly fearful puppy dog who seemed to think that he was about to kick her at any moment… Not for the first time, he wondered what the hell could have changed in such a short time!
Rachel started speaking, but try as she might she could not meet his eyes for more than a split second at a time. "Well, as far as she was concerned I had promised unequivocally that…this…didn't happen in Baltimore. I never got the time…or the nerve…to add the 'but'. And she trusted me… so she went straight to the only other conclusion anyone could reasonably draw…naturally she wasn't aware of how unreasonable the truth really was…"
"She assumed you got pregnant on the ship." Tom surmised, understanding her demeanor now.
Silence… More silence… Then…
"Yes…" Her voice was small.
"And you didn't correct her?"
There was another long pause before a barely audible reply, but her heard her.
"No…"
Tom considered everything he was learning. Oh, the implications of this…
"She doesn't know about her Mother's involvement?"
"No. She doesn't, at least not the extent of it. I just couldn't do it! She was so weak and broken… When she assumed that this didn't happen back then, it was the first time in these long weeks that I have seen actual hope in her eyes…I…like I said I lost my nerve…I told her she was right." She admitted, the shame of the admission evident in her entire countenance.
"She doesn't question the timing?" Tom was skeptical about that.
"I preempted that. I told her about my theory of the injection we received. Told her that injecting me too was likely either a mistake or they didn't have time to do anything to me…she believed me." Rachel's head again fell in shame at the last admission. It was in no way something to brag about for her, to have successfully fooled a young woman with her very serious lies.
Silence reigned for a long time. Rachel sparing occasional quick glances at him…the rest of the time staring at the floor. Tom was leaning back on his office chair now. His gaze was trained more on the ceiling…occasionally drifting down to her. Sometimes their gazes journeyed and joined at the same time…only to jump apart again, both unsure who had been the one to first break the intangible contact.
After what seemed an eminently long time, Tom spoke.
"You did the right thing." He finally decided and declared out loud.
"I did?" Abject shock was abundantly clear in her slightly squeaky tone.
"For Alisha, yes. She doesn't need to know the extent of her Mother's evil. From what I understand you could well be right that she simply couldn't deal with the associated guilt of what really happened to you…by her mothers order. I'm assuming that's why you lied about this, yes?"
"Yes…" Again, her voice was small. He was being so understanding...so far. But he didn't yet know…
"What I am worried about, Rachel…is you." Tom interrupted her mental musings.
"Me?" She queried, surprised. She didn't understand where she fitted into this. They had been talking on how this could affect Alisha…
"Yes, Rachel, you." Tom stated with dwindling patience when it came to Rachel's limited to non-existent regard for her own safety and well-being. Either physical or emotional apparently…
He continued. "Rachel, I was already worried that you were being far to cavalier and unquestioningly accepting of your situation and what we now know happen to you. Now you tell me that you are planning to go around pretending that your assault never happened at all! So yes, that worries me, Rachel. A lot."
"Umm…Tom…I…" Rachel didn't know what to say. And she really didn't know how to bring up the little fact that the biggest part of the admission hadn't actually occurred yet!
"Rachel, just promise me that you will not bottle this up. Tell me that you will deal with this, not bury it. Something that I now know will be a whole lot easier for you to do with so few people knowing the truth. I also don't want this lie to have any impact on any decisions you might otherwise feel it is necessary and appropriate to make." He spoke the last part meaningfully. Hoping she would understand and agree.
It took her a minute, but when she did her eyes went wide. "Tom, I've already said that…"
"I know what you said, Rachel." Tom interrupted before she could restate her meaningless decision. "But you made that decision without any real option to the contrary. So, as far as I'm concerned it's invalid until you are given an actual viable choice in the matter. Both of you…"
"Tom, you can't change it. The facts are the facts…"
"Well I am going to change it, be assured of that. You don't need to know how, we haven't worked out all the details yet, but be assured that within a reasonable amount of time both you and Alisha will have an actual legitimate choice to make on how you proceed in your situations…safely." He spoke resolutely.
Rachel was silent for several long moments, considering the Captain's heartfelt assurance. She didn't doubt him. She couldn't, not when he was like this. She had seen this determination on his face many times and at those times he had never failed to accomplish exactly what he had set out to do.
She just didn't know exactly how she felt about it…and then there was the rather complicating factor of whether he would be so ok with her 'fixing' this, if people believed he was responsible for it. Yes, that would be a rather heavily complicating factor…
"Well, I'm glad about that…" She finally spoke, but hesitantly.
"You are?" He spoke with genuine curiosity. But there was something else in his tone… Surprise? Concern?
"Yes." Rachel answered honestly. "For Alisha's sake…" She clarified. "Very glad. She has had so much power taken away from her. She desperately needs some returned to her and this is the most valuable piece of control that could be returned to her hands. Thank you." She meant it too, and she could easily thank him now because there was simply no doubt that he would come through. He always did.
"What about you?" Tom tone of voice could best be described and…affectionately impatient. Yet again she was shifting the focus as far away from herself as possible. Basically ignoring that she was in almost the exact same boat as Alisha.
Rachel was so tempted to pretend ignorance. But she thought better of it when she judged that it was highly likely to antagonize him, and highly unlikely to actually help her avoid the question in the end.
"Do I have to decide now?" She questioned.
"Of course not. But are you now admitting that there is a decision to make? That this is something you might do?"
"Umm…maybe…?" Rachel felt so bad, she still hadn't told him what Alisha believed about the paternity of the child, what the whole ship would be apt to believe if he supported her in her lie. Which at this stage he was indicating he intended to…
Oh god… She had been so busy worrying about how everyone else was dealing with this that she honestly didn't know how the hell she felt herself, or what the hell she would do given a realistic choice…
Rachel knew she had dreams, daydreams more like. But none of those could be termed as remotely realistic. And the absolute last thing she wanted was to guilt, pressure and trap the Captain into something he did not want. But she was very much afraid that she had already done just that. And he didn't even know it yet...
Shit!
"Maybe 'question mark'? Are you asking me?" The lack of evidence that he was seeing that she was giving her own wellbeing and personal desire any thought at all was what was truly worrying him…and frankly pissing him off!
"I don't know, ok! I don't know!" And it was then that she could no longer hold back what had again been long threatening. A sob broke from her throat and traitorous tears streaked down her cheeks, only to be impatiently removed in short order by a shirt sleeve on a mission to remove all trace of them. When she was finished her face looked more red and blotchy then when she had started, her cheeks having been rubbed raw by the course sleeve of her jacket.
Tom immediately felt guilt. She was guilty of nothing but a having a too large heart and he had attacked her for it. Tom was well aware that Rachel had chosen distance for this encounter, but he found himself unable to continue to abide by that wish, so he moved to sit beside her on the couch.
His strong desire was to gather her weary form up into his strong arms…but he thought better of the too fervent action in her fragile state. Instead he took her hand, the renewed contact like a palm to him…he hoped to her as well.
"Rachel, I'm sorry, I know this is not your fault…" His tried to sooth, but she cut him off.
"Yes it is!" She was looking at him now, desperation written on her features, fresh tears again staining their way down her cheeks.
"Why, Rachel?! How? I've told you before that you are in no way responsible for any of the terrible things that happened back in Baltimore. And I have said that I understand and accept why you didn't tell Alisha. Nothing you have done is wrong! Everything you have done is clearly to protect others…it's why I'm so worried about you.
Rachel averted her gaze them, she couldn't help it. He was so sincere, so understanding…and she had betrayed him so badly.
Tom heart wrenched when she looked away from him, seemingly even more miserable then before. It was then the he muttered a silent 'to hell with it' and gathered her into his arms, to hell with the distance her distressed countenance seemed to call for. He just had to hold her…now! He could hold his body and his base instinct's back no longer.
He was at first afraid when she did not immediate yield into his arms, her form shocked and unyielding. But then she relaxed, becoming almost boneless against him. He was glad that she was accepting the contact willingly, but his anxiety rose again when he felt more than heard a heavy sob escape and fall against his chest.
He then heard/felt something else too… She was saying something, muttering something into his shirt along with her tears…
"Rachel? What is it? I can't hear you…" He entreated softly, gently pulling her just slightly away from him so that her answer would not be again muffled by the contact of their bodies.
"There's…more..." She mumbled on heavy sob.
"More what, Rachel?" He deliberately kept his tone soft, but he couldn't deny he was getting that feeling again…
Sniff… "More I haven't…" Sniff… "told you…" Sniff…
"What?"
Rachel pulled back, not breaking their contact, but she needed to be looking at him, she needed to give him that. She needed to stop being a coward, and she defiantly needed to put an end to letting him give her praise and comfort that she knew she did not deserve. Thought she couldn't deny how nice his arms felt… No, focus!
Rachel sighed, drew strength from…somewhere! And lifted her gaze to Tom's.
"Tom…this…this is so much worse than you think... What…what I've done to you is so much worse than you think…" She hesitated then, her nerve so close to abandoning her completely. "Tom…" She failed but stated again. "I…Alisha…she didn't just make the assumption that…this…had happened on the ship… she also made an assumption about…who else was involved." The last words were said on a single hurried exhalation. Her resolve had been so very close to failing her that she just had to spit them out or risk losing the ability to say them all together.
At first neither spoke, neither moved. Both were thinking, considering. Rachel was wondering how many more microseconds she was going to be allowed the luxury of the Captain's arms around her...before it ended for good. Tom was busy mentally deciphering the true and complete meaning of the words she had clearly been so afraid to speak.
'Worse than you think...'
'What I've done to you…'
'Who else was involved…'
She knew the moment he figured it out. She felt him tense, saw his gaze widen and then shutter again just as quickly. A clear and deliberate attempt to hide his true reaction from her…his disgust from her, of what she'd really done to him.
The true depraved extent of her lie.
Physically he did not pull away, but emotionally she could feel the distance widen with every second of heavy silence that passed them by…
TBC
Sneak Peak:
"I don't think you can do any wrong in your crew's eyes, Tom. I will be the wicked woman who seduced and trapped you when you were at your most vulnerable..."
LSLSLS
Attention: I wanted to make people aware of a very unfair thing that is happening to Pandora576's Last Ship Vids on YouTube, they are being stolen! Someone has downloaded and then re-uploaded several of them under their own account with no reference to Pandora whatsoever. And before anyone asks, the diplomatic route has already been attempted to resolve this issue. Pandora commented very politely on one of the videos asking this person why they re-uploaded a video that she had made. Today we learned this person had responded to this very fair question by deleting her comment and disabling all commenting on that particular video. Needless to say, the diplomatic route has failed. It should also be noted that this person has taken another LS Vid (Unconditionally by jhenyy lives) Neither Pandora or I believe that officially reporting this misuse is the wisest course of action given the 'iffy' legal territory that fan made videos already exist in. But if anyone else wants to join me in voicing their displeasure to this person for their misuse and rudeness to Pandora, their account info is below. (add the web address extension to the basic YouTube home address to find the page) Note: In the likely event that this person proceeds to delete and prevent further comments on the other stolen Vids, there is always the discussion section too. I also hope we can all offer Pandora all the encouragement and support we feel for her in this. As I'm sure you can all imagine, she is not feeling particularly motivated to make anymore of her wonderful videos right now… :-(
Web address extension: /channel/UCEaN0ER8GvAGxcvp3XXuLKQ/videos
A/N: Hope everyone likes how this conversation is playing out thus far, fair chunk of next chapter written so hopefully it won't be too long of a wait for you guys this time. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated and a fabulously enjoyable method of writing motivation. ;-)