"The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced, long-range, strategic reconnaissance aircraft, capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet."

"You sure do seem to know a lot about it."

"Do you even read my Christmas list?"

...

"… And, this is?"

"My Christmas list. I want to actually see you read it this time."

"I see…"

Integra unfolded the sheet of parchment with visible hesitation, unsure of whether or not she even wanted to know what Alucard wanted for Christmas. However, with Alucard standing over her, she didn't really want to dismiss it for fear of what he might go out and do afterwards. So…

The Blackbird I crashed into the ocean

A Nuclear Missile

Four Thousand Tons of Dynamite

An M80

A full-body Straightjacket for Seras, for use when she is being stupid

The £20 Walter still owes me

A fuckton of paint, black, red, and white

A welding torch

Scrap metal

A Dodge Viper

A cane that matches my outfit

The Pope, assassinated

A new, 70 inch, Plasma-screen, HD TV, with Netflix

A brand new Toshiba Satellite laptop, with a 17.3 inch screen, Windows 8.1, AMD A8-6410 Quad-Core APU, 8GB RAM, Terabyte Hard Drive, HDMI and USB 3.0, DVD Drive, and HD Webcam (This is real. I own one of these. I was listing the features off the box.)

High-speed internet

And the Apocalypse

"Um… Alucard… You do realise that only about half of this is actually plausible, yes? And why do you want the Blackbird that you crashed? Wouldn't a working model suit you better?"

"1, yes, but I can dream; 2, because England doesn't want it back, but I do; and 3, I can repair it and make it work again."

"Ah…"

"So?"

"I'll see what I can do… Why do you want the Viper?"

"To customise."

"Hmm… The television is a replacement for the one that Luke Valentine broke… I'll speak with Walter about his debt… There is no fucking way I am allowing you to obtain any kind of nuclear weapon… I assume that the welding torch and scrap metal are for the repair of the Blackbird and the customising of the Viper… You may not assassinate the Pope… Relations with the Vatican are already sketchy, at best… You do not need dynamite… A cane? Really? I cannot start the apocalypse… Why do you want an M80? Why this particular laptop? And how much paint is a 'fuckton'?"

"Yes, really; I want an M80 because it's military grade fireworks; I did some research and that laptop had the best features I could find in a low-priced item; and, enough to repaint the Blackbird, the Viper, my coffin, and my room. Twice."

"Right…"

"And remember, Christmas is only a few weeks away!"

And with that, he left.

"What am I going to do with him?"