Copper Curiosity

I really have a knack for getting in over my head when it comes to personal matters. I can slaughter a Demon or a Downworlder with no trouble but when it comes to matters of the heart… fucked if I ever know what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't stop thinking about how screwed up this whole thing has gotten. I mean seriously, maybe I should just go pick out some cute little mundie and have my father feed him the Mortal Cup so that my brothers don't have to fight over me anymore. I mean it's so ridiculous, right? I should be able to just be with who I want and not have to think twice about it. Except that's the problem, I have no idea what I want.

Jace and I started hanging out more often, back when I turned twelve and began to develop a figure. I liked his cocky, self-assured air and sarcastic humor. And he always acted like, I was just a girl and he was just a boy and there was nothing weird about it, even when there was. It made it easier. I didn't have to feel guilty. I could just be myself, falling in love with a boy, going on dates. I could sometimes forget that we were all just pieces on our father's chess board, soldiers in a war against The Clave. I could be a kid and enjoy life. He gave that to me and I appreciated it.

I suppose in the back of my mind, there has always been this thing with Jonathan, but it was different. More like, a pipe dream. A fairytale I could always tell myself. Like, 'On another world, in a land far away, there was a prince and a princess…' That kind of thing, but as everyone knows, fairy tales aren't real. So, like all forms of make believe, I put it away, knowing that it could never be. But I guess he didn't.

For me, I tease him about it and bring it up sometimes, because it keeps the fantasy alive. It's something I can go home and think about when no one else is around, if you know what I mean. It's not something I would ever act on. Not because I necessarily believe it's wrong or I give a singular fuck about what anyone else thinks. No, I just don't entertain the idea in any real way because, well, I had a really fucked up nightmare as a child and it scared me out of ever crossing that bridge. I'll tell you about it but you'll think I'm bat shit crazy (although you probably already do anyway).

When we were kids, our parents always made a really big deal about our special blood and they also made a point of educating us on everything involving the Shadow world. They taught us the history of how the Nephilim came to be as well as how the different Downworlder species came about. And it just so happened that the day they first explained to us about how Jace and I have angel blood and Jonathan has demon blood, was also the day we learned that faeries were originally born of demons and angels.

So, being young and having an overactive imagination, that night I went to bed. I dreamed that Jonathan and I got married and had children, a lot of children. And they were all born as this strange hybrid species of Shadowhunter meets Faerie. They had seraph blades and wore powerful runes but they were malicious, with sharp teeth and fathomless black eyes and grey skin and little jagged wings and scales and you could see their bones and it was awful! After that, I put away the fairytale of a perfect life with my brother, and I keep it in a little box. Sometimes it lives in the land of crushed dreams, turned to ash by cold reality. Other times I take it out and revive it a little, enough to borrow it for my spank bank.

That's the problem I keep getting into lately. That's why I've turned up the heat on my 'harmless flirtation'. It's like the fantasy has taken on a life of its own and I can't put it away anymore. Nowadays, half the time when I'm making out with Jace, I'm secretly picturing Jonathan. There have even been times when I've come frighteningly close to saying the wrong name. I've got to get a handle on this crap! The two of them are Parabatai for Raziel's sake and they're supposed to be best friends. I don't want to be the thing that comes between them! I'd rather die than watch that happen. But I know that, without my meaning to, it's already starting to happen. And frankly, I don't know what to do.

So, I'm sitting in our hallway, stewing on this particular subject, when I overhear one of Father's lieutenants enter his office to speak with him. He thinks I'm in the training room, because that's where I'm supposed to be, but I can't bring myself to train right now. So, he speaks freely. And I take it upon myself to eavesdrop, against my better judgement.

"After the New York werewolves are finished off, we'll be splitting into two main groups for the next phase. Half of our existing forces will continue hitting lycanthrope packs in other cities, while the other half will begin by taking out the New York vampire clan. Now, I'll be benching Seraphina until after the vampires are dealt with because I don't want her knowing about that part of the plan until after its successful completion. She became pretty good friends with Simon Lewis while he was training to be a Shadowhunter, before the unfortunate incident of his transformation. And I'm told he has been working his way up through the ranks and has recently ascended to the position of clan leader. Evidently, he is as good at being a filthy Downworlder as he was as a Shadowhunter, so that's too bad, but they have to be dealt with.

"I would simply put her on the werewolf missions, but if anyone let it slip what the home crew were up to, I can't be guaranteed that she wouldn't try to interfere. I know she's loyal to our cause but for all I know she might insist I keep him alive and set about creating a rune to cure vampirism or some such nonsense. I just can't afford any setbacks right now, so I'm putting her on the bench." He sighs.

I've heard enough. I storm into the room and march up to my father with steam practically pouring out of my ears. "You're not benching me! You think I can't control my emotions? Fine! Then put me on the damned werewolf missions. You're afraid I'll find out? Well, I just did! I'm very sorry for speaking out of turn here Sir and I mean no disrespect, but I would like to be of some use to you, rather than sitting around twiddling my thumbs. You can send the boys along if you need someone to keep tabs on me, by all means, but please do not make me sit this one out! You need me now, more than ever! You know I'm right, Father?" I plead, putting on my best puppy dog eyes and playing the 'Daddy's little girl' card for all it's worth.

"Seraphina, do you honestly expect me to believe that you are capable of killing werewolves, knowing that meanwhile a former friend of yours may be dying? If I have you on a mission, I need to know that you are able to fully focus. Do you honestly think you can promise me that?"

"Yes Sir, one hundred percent, Sir. Simon Lewis was dead to me the first time he died when he should have stayed dead instead of crawling out of a grave like the leech that he is now. I shed my tears for him at that time and haven't given it a second thought since. What happened to him is a perfect example of why we need to wipe every damned Downworlder off the face of this planet. So that more innocent lives are not ended in a similar fashion. I would not have joined The Circle of Raziel and begun reciting the loyalty oath from the age of ten if I didn't believe in the cause. You raised me to know what we're fighting for, and I believe in the fight, Sir. If you'd like I can prove it by bring you Simon Lewis myself."

"Thank you, Seraphina, however that won't be necessary my dear. I believe you. I won't have you anywhere near the Lewis leech though. If you'd like to be on a crew, I will send you on the lupine hunt and you can continue exterminating werewolves, since you've proven to be so good at it. And I can send Jonathan with you, so that you'll be protected. Unfortunately I need Jace here, you understand, don't you?" He presses, willing me to accept his offer.

"Of course, Sir, whatever you think is best. Thank you for allowing me to contribute." I nod and head off to prepare for the attack on the New York Pack Headquarters, which is all set to move forward tonight.