A/N: Happy New Year Everyone! A new chapter for the new year!
Sarah couldn't sleep as General Beckman's words echoed through her mind. We found Bartowski. It's not good. She hadn't said much more than that. Beckman wouldn't give her any details. All she would say was that Chuck had been transferred to a CIA medical facility.
Beckman hadn't told her where Chuck had been found or what had happened to him, so she had had no way of knowing what condition he was in, but the words medical facility told her one thing. Chuck must still be alive. If he wasn't, Beckman probably would have shown up to deliver his body, not news. That gave her a tiny sliver of cautious hope, but just barely because the words, It's not good, continued to fill her brain.
Those words haunted her. They were so ominous and could mean any number of horrendous things. She wished that she could be with him right now, that she didn't have to lie here imagining whatever torturous things her mind came up with, but here she was, unable to go to him. The reason? Well, there were three of them, all tucked into bed and dreaming sweet dreams. She was a mother now and she couldn't just go anywhere or do whatever she pleased at the drop of a hat. Her needs and wants no longer came first, theirs did. She couldn't drag them out of bed in the middle of the night just because she wanted something.
That night for Sarah was spent locked in a vicious cycle. It began with lying awake, thinking of all the awful things that might have happened to Chuck. Followed by having terrifying nightmares when she finally fell asleep, which jolted her awake in a cold sweat. At which point the cycle started all over again. She was trapped, whether she was awake or asleep the nightmares followed her.
Mercifully and unmercifully at the same time, morning finally arrived. Sarah was completely exhausted, but relieved that she would finally have something other than the nightmares to focus her attention on, namely her children.
It was a busy morning, busier than most. In addition to needing to feed all of her children, get them dressed and make sure that her two oldest had everything they would need for school, she also had to prepare an extra bag with a few other items, just in case. Plus, she had to figure out where she had put the very rarely used bottles and her pump. Filling them with milk would have to wait until later.
Finally Sarah thought she had everything she needed for her kids. Before leaving Sarah sat down with her girls to explain that she might be a little late in picking them up from grandma's house today after school and that she had packed a bag with some of their favorite toys and a few other items for them to have at grandma's that afternoon.
Upon arriving at Mary's home after dropping Abigail and Felicity off at school she explained the same thing to her. She also took the time while there to fill the bottles up with milk and to call in to work to explain that she wouldn't be able to come in today due to an emergency situation.
Shortly thereafter Sarah was on a private plane with General Beckman, on her way to the medical facility to which Chuck had been taken. The closer they got the more anxious Sarah became because she had no idea what she would find when she got there. She was also nervous about seeing Chuck again for the first time in so long, a feeling which she couldn't quite explain.
Sarah didn't know how long the flight was. The concept of time had gotten lost in the haze of her mind. However long it took they were here now. She was minutes away from learning more about what had happened to her husband. Well, actually it would probably be quite bit longer than 'just a few minutes' due to all the security checkpoints they would have to go through to be given clearance into various parts of the building.
Right now Sarah wished that she was still an officially employed CIA agent. Then these security checkpoints wouldn't take so long. Even being personally escorted by General Diane Beckman herself didn't do much to speed things up.
After filling out a ton of paperwork, answering lots of questions, being searched and put through a highly-sophisticated lie detector and having her picture and fingerprints taken she was finally allowed access to the area where Chuck was being held. All of that took over an hour to complete, which drained Sarah both physically and emotionally.
She was already tired due to a lack of sleep, and being so close to Chuck, and yet not being able to actually see him, really took a toll on her wellbeing. Not to mention that she would have to miss Gabriel's feedings today and that she had no idea when she would be back home with him and his sisters. There was also the worry she felt over how they would feel when she didn't come to get them until after dark, or Mary's feelings for that matter. Sarah hadn't told her what she was doing because she didn't want to tell her about Chuck when she had no information to give her.
If she could just see Chuck then maybe all of this anxiety and hurt would be worth it. But then again maybe it would make it worse. Part of Sarah wanted to turn around and run back out the door and forget everything that had happened since Beckman appeared at her door yesterday evening. Another part of her wanted to run straight through the walls to get to her beloved Chuck, no matter what she would find when she reached him.
The moment had almost come. Just ahead Sarah could see the door that led into the room in which Chuck was being kept. As she moved closer all of her surroundings disappeared, the walls and floor around her, every voice, every sound. Nothing else existed except that door.
Reaching the door Sarah didn't hesitate to pull it open and burst into the room. Once inside the room Sarah immediately sought out her long-missing husband. A quick scan located him by the wall behind the door.
When she saw Chuck she barely recognized him and that wasn't due to his prolonged absence from her life. His skin, especially on his face was cold and ashen. His face was sunken to the point that you could see the bones in his cheeks. The rest of his body had begun to wither away as well and he had lost a lot of muscle mass. It was clear that Chuck hadn't been eating much and was malnourished.
The sight broke Sarah's heart and her eyes flooded with tears. Her poor husband looked so fragile. Blinking away her tears, Sarah remembered the nightmares that had haunted her dreams. The reality wasn't as bad as those nightmares had been so she tried to calm herself. It was bad, but it wasn't something they couldn't handle. They would just have to make sure that Chuck ate enough to build his health and strength back up.
Crossing the room to sit on the edge of Chuck's bed, Sarah gently placed her hand on his pale, hollow cheek, careful to not disturb the feeding tube running though his nose. "Hey Chuck. I'm here."
Sarah's tender reunion with Chuck was interrupted just at that moment when Beckman came into the room. Silently walking across the room the General didn't say anything until she had reached the bed and placed her hand on Sarah's shoulder, which the former agent found to be unusual.
"He doesn't know that you're here Walker. He doesn't even know that he's here."
Beckman's words didn't make any sense to Sarah. How could he not know that she was here or that he himself was here in this CIA hospital? He wasn't asleep or in a coma, so what did she mean?
Removing her hand from Sarah's shoulder General Beckman moved to the far corner of the room and indicated to Sarah that she should follow. Reluctant to leave Chuck, but following the General's silent orders Sarah joined her in the dark corner. Sarah, still having the blood of a spy noted that there were no cameras in this part of the room and realized that whatever Beckman was going to say was probably top secret.
"We've been able to gather more intel regarding Bartowski's disappearance. He was taken and held captive by enemy agents who had apparently staked out various Buy More locations in and around the area surrounding Burbank. Their goal was to capture the human Intersect."
Sarah felt her heart tighten as the General began to explain where Chuck had been these past eight months. She felt like she might collapse and wanted something to hold onto, but there was nothing around to grab. Instead she stiffened up and prepared herself for the continued horror.
"We found him locked in a tiny, dimly lit room, which was empty except for an old wooden chair, a tarp and a few pieces of cardboard which we believe he used for a bed."
With each word things got worse and worse. Beckman continued to explain that they had been intensely questioning one of the captured enemy agents, one of the few who hadn't been killed during the mission. From that captured agent they had so far learned that Chuck was forced to flash day and night and that to make him give up the information he was kept highly drugged with a powerful truth serum and a mixture of other cocktails that made him complacent, agreeable and lethargic so that he would be easy to control.
Sarah surmised that during his captivity Chuck had barely received any food or water and that his captors weren't concerned with his health or wellbeing, only the computer inside his head. He had largely been treated as a machine and was only given the minimum care needed to keep the Intersect functioning, whether or not the human part of him did.
Still, Sarah didn't understand Beckman's previous statement that Chuck was unaware of her presence or his own. He had been through unimaginable horrors she had learned, but that still didn't explain what Beckman had said as she sat at his bedside. But she was about to find out.
"When we got to Bartowski he was in a catatonic-like state. He wouldn't respond to any questions asked of him during the rescue. The reports indicate he just sat there unmoving. Even now he has yet to move or say anything. I have even personally approached Mr. Bartowski and he still would not respond despite seeing a familiar face. We don't know what triggered his current state or if he'll recover."
Tears started to burn Sarah's eyes as she tried not to cry in front of the General. Turning away Sarah raced back to Chuck's side as she let the tears flow. This was worse than her nightmares. Her Chuck was gone and she didn't know if she would ever get him back.
Once again at her husband's bedside Sarah really noticed his eyes for the first time. Those weren't the eyes she knew and loved. Chuck's eyes were open wide, almost like he was frozen in mid-flash. They were also glassed over, devoid of any light or life.
It broke Sarah's heart to see her beloved husband like this. He had to recover. She needed him. His children needed him. His mother and his sister and so many others needed him as well. He just had to recover.
As hot tears streamed down her face Sarah gently touched Chuck's cheek once more and softly kissed his forehead. Then in a whisper meant only for him she said, "I love you Chuck. Please come back to me."
To give Sarah some privacy General Beckman left the room and instructed that she was not to be disturbed. After Sarah was left alone with the catatonic shell that was once her husband she finally allowed herself to collapse and just cried. She cried and cried until she had cried out every single tear in her body.
Sarah remained at Chuck's side for about an hour, just holding his hand and talking to him. She told him that he had a son now and that his name was Gabriel. She talked about how much Abigail and Felicity had grown since he disappeared and how much they missed him. She didn't care if he couldn't hear her and continued to talk to him anyway.
Then after that hour Sarah made the painful rise to her feet. She wished she could stay with Chuck. She never wanted to leave his side, but she had three little ones at home that needed their mommy more than she needed Chuck and more than he needed her.
Before leaving Sarah leaned in to kiss his forehead one more time and said, "I'll come back sweetheart. I promise."
After finally finding her husband after so long, walking away from him after only spending an hour with him was really hard for Sarah. In fact it was one of the hardest things she ever had to do, but she had to return home to her kids before they got too worried about her and started to think that she had now disappeared as well.
Soon Sarah was back on the private plane, minus Beckman, and was being escorted back home. Arrangements had already been made for Sarah to return that weekend, so she knew it wouldn't be too long before she could see Chuck again. She just wished she could bring her children as well, but the facility was top secret and only she had been given clearance, not her kids, not Ellie and not even his mother.
As a former spy herself Mary would understand that, but no one else would, so Sarah would be unable to share the news that Chuck had been found with anyone other than his mother. Until Chuck was released from the CIA hospital, to everyone else he was still missing. Not telling them would be hard, but it would be even harder to tell them that they couldn't see him.
By the time the flight ended Sarah had been able to clean herself up and compose herself enough that no one would know that she had been crying. When she arrived at her mother-in-law's house a short time later a genuine smile crossed her face because she knew she was going to get to see her babies.
Ringing the doorbell Sarah waited to be reunited with her children. A short time later Mary answered the door and greeted her in a whisper, "Hey, everyone just fell asleep. The girls are on the couch and Gabriel is in the bedroom."
Entering the house Sarah saw her little princesses curled up on opposite sides of the couch, each cuddling a beloved stuffed animal. Abigail and Felicity looked so adorable sleeping together on the couch that she didn't want to disturb them. Instead she asked Mary if she had a blanket and gently laid it over her girls. She then ever-so-lightly brushed their hair from their faces and kissed their foreheads.
"Sweet dreams little angels," Sarah whispered as she gazed at her daughters for another moment before going to check on her son in the other room.
Sarah found her little boy sleeping peacefully in a bassinet, as he contentedly sucked on his favorite pacifier. He too was just far too adorable to disturb, so like his sisters she gave him a feather-light kiss and wished him sweet dreams.
Now she was stuck. If she woke her children up now she would probably never get them back to sleep which would lead to a long night and cranky kids in the morning. She couldn't just go home and leave them either. Having to get the girls ready for school in the morning would be too much to put on Mary and her girls would be so terrified and upset if she wasn't there. The only option was to try to get everyone into the car, back home and into bed without waking anyone up. Achieving that goal would be no easy feat.
Before she attempted any of that however Sarah was hungry. She hadn't eaten anything for dinner yet and Mary had thoughtfully put a plate of food up for her when she and the girls had dinner earlier. So first, Sarah was going to sit down to eat.
After finishing her meal Sarah insisted on washing her dishes despite Mary's protestations that she didn't need to do that. She had already done so much for her today that Sarah wanted to repay her in some small way to thank her for taking care of her children.
With her kids asleep it also gave Sarah the most ideal opportunity she would ever have to tell Mary about Chuck. She was his mother. She deserved to know what had happened to him.
By the time Sarah finished relaying what she had learned at the CIA hospital both she and Mary were sobbing. When she mentioned her plans to go visit him, Mary placed her hand over Sarah's and said, "Don't worry Sarah. Spend as much time with Chuck as you can this weekend. The grandkids and I will have a slumber party."
"Thank you. The kids are so lucky to have you in their lives and so am I. I don't know how I would get through this without you."
Now it was getting late and Sarah needed to get home and relieve Mary of grandma duty. Starting with her eldest, Sarah began gingerly gathering her children into her arms, slowly carrying them to the car and gently settling them into their car seats. The task took twice as long as usual since she was trying not to wake anyone, but Sarah finally got all three of her babies into the car without disturbing their sleep.
Back at home Sarah repeated the same process in reverse. For a moment she worried that Felicity would wake up when she lifted her head and let out a soft moan while Sarah was carrying her to bed, but she simply turned her head the other direction and settled back down. Sarah was successful in her mission and now she was ready for bed herself despite the early hour.
Morning came and life in the Bartowski home fell back into the familiar routine before Chuck was found. Sarah helped everyone get dressed and ready for the day, made breakfast for the family and fed baby Gabriel. The girls were dropped off at school and her youngest at his grandma's house before she headed into work. Sarah was back to feeding Gabriel herself and everyone was picked up at the end of the workday. From the outside everything seemed normal, only Sarah and his mother knew that Chuck was lying catatonic in a government hospital.
Evenings were spent together as a family, sharing fun times and building memories. Sarah tried to squeeze as much time in with her kids as possible because she knew that for the first time ever she would be spending the whole weekend away from them while she visited their father in the hospital. She wanted those memories for herself and for her kids to hang onto until she returned.
Friday as Sarah prepared to fly out to the CIA hospital where Chuck was being cared for, she hugged and kissed all three of her children, told each of them how much she loved them and to have fun with Grandma. She thanked Mary for taking the kids for the weekend and promised to let her know how Chuck was doing and if he showed any signs of improvement. Then with a wave goodbye she was on her way.
Several hours later Sarah had arrived at the secure medical facility and was escorted inside. Having already supplied all of the necessary information and procuring an id badge on her first visit, Sarah was able to get through the security checkpoints and in to see Chuck much quicker this time and with less hassle.
Everything was the same as before, even Chuck. Nothing had changed. Chuck still sat in his room, catatonic and unavailable to the outside world. His once beautiful eyes remained glassed over and his body still suffered the effects of malnourishment.
Sarah learned that his only movements occurred on a strict schedule when he would get up, walk to the bathroom on autopilot and return exactly two minutes later. None of the people looking after Chuck had been able to get him to eat anything, despite their continued offerings, so the feeding tube remained his only source of nutrition.
Experts from many fields continued to work around the clock to discover what was causing Chuck's catatonic-like state, but so far there had been no success. Much of the problem stemmed from the fact that no one really knew how the Intersect functioned and affected a human host. Chuck had been the only person to successfully download the Intersect and continue to live a normal life with the computer in his head. So there were no other case studies to examine and the creators of the Intersect were dead, leaving everyone at a loss.
The only true expert on the Intersect, and in particular a human Intersect was Chuck himself, who was unable to provide any answers and therefore resulted in a stalemate. Without Chuck there was little hope in understanding the issue and without help Chuck couldn't offer the knowledge locked in his mind.
Despite the dismal situation Sarah refused to give up hope. And it was for those very reasons which made things seem so hopeless that gave Sarah hope. Chuck was unique in his ability to handle the Intersect and Sarah was convinced that that is what would save him in the end. That and the deep love she felt for him. She would never give up fighting for him.
Like during her first visit earlier in the week, Sarah sat by Chuck's bedside and talked to him while she held his hand. It was hard to see Chuck sit there motionless with his glassed-over eyes and sunken face, so instead Sarah concentrated on his hand. If she looked at his face for too long it would break her.
As she sat with Chuck, Sarah talked about nothing in particular. She relayed different anecdotes about the kids. She talked about the weather and his hospital room. As long as she was talking to him she didn't have to cry.
Throughout the day various people tried to interact with Chuck and to get him to engage in any kind of activity. They attempted to get him to eat, take a walk, say something, move an arm or leg, wiggle a toe, but Chuck never reacted in any way. Occasionally doctors or scientists would come into the room to check on his vitals or run some tests. All day his room bustled with activity while Chuck remained rigid and lifeless.
Sarah spent most of the day in Chuck's room, leaving only to eat or to call her kids to check in on them or wish them goodnight. She even slept in his room, curling up in a chair next to the bed. It wasn't very comfortable, but she wasn't leaving. She hadn't seen him in so long and her time with him was limited, so she wanted to be with him as much as she could, even if he was currently just a shell of himself.
On Saturday everything was much the same except when one of his caretakers came in to give Chuck a sponge bath. Sarah offered to do the job instead and took the tub of water and washcloths over to her husband's bedside.
Sitting on the edge of Chuck's bed Sarah dipped the first cloth into the warm water and brought it to her husband's face. Using small, gentle motions Sarah took great, loving care as she cleaned his face, being careful to not get any water into his frozen eyes. She was just as gentle when drying off his face with a fresh cloth.
Sarah worked slowly, enjoying the closeness, even if he couldn't reciprocate. After washing Chuck's face she moved on to his arms, legs, back and chest until he was all cleaned and dried. As she helped her husband with his bath Sarah remembered giving her children baths this way when they were tiny babies, the way she still did with Gabriel. It was a wonderful bonding time and Sarah now felt that same feeling with Chuck.
Sunday Sarah only had half a day with her husband because she needed to get back home to her kids. So she sat with him until lunch, after which she reluctantly said goodbye. As when she left following her first visit Sarah kissed Chuck's forehead and told him that she would be back next weekend.
The winter sun was just beginning to set when Sarah arrived back in Burbank and the home of Mary Bartowski. There was no answer for a while, but after a couple minutes Mary answered the door and welcomed her inside. As she entered Mary explained that everyone had just sat down for dinner and asked Sarah to join them. Graciously accepting the invitation Sarah sat down to enjoy a meal with her family.
After dinner Sarah got all of her kids belongings packed while they got themselves ready. Before heading out the door Sarah asked, "Did you have fun with Grandma?"
Her question received an enthusiastic, "Yeah!" from both girls. Who then began to excitedly chatter about all the fun things they did over the weekend. They continued to babble on about the fun times they'd had on the way out the door and during the car ride home.
Back at home Abigail, Felicity and Gabriel all clung to Sarah. Mommy was back and they didn't intend to let her go for a long time. So while Sarah cradled Gabriel in her arms Abigail and Felicity sat on either side of her as they watched an animated princess movie before bed.
While her daughters went to brush their teeth and get into their nightgowns, Sarah carried Gabriel to bed, hoping that if she put him down now he wouldn't start crying. Sarah then met her girls in their room and asked which story they wanted to hear tonight. Felicity clutched a book in her little arms and carried it over to her, saying, "This one Mommy."
Examining the book Sarah read the title and opened it to the first page. As Sarah read the story Abigail and Felicity started to yawn and by the time she reached the 'happily ever after,' their eyes were beginning to droop. Closing the book and putting it away Sarah finished the bedtime routine by tucking her girls into bed, kissing them goodnight and wising them sweet dreams.
After getting very little sleep for the past two nights due to trying to sleep in a chair, Sarah decided to head to bed a short time later. She had barely started to fall asleep when she was woken up, but unlike most nights when Sarah was woken in the middle of the night it wasn't Gabriel who woke her. It was Abigail and Felicity.
"Mommy, can we sleep with you tonight?"
There was no way Sarah could turn down that sweet voice or those angelic faces, so she agreed and let her daughters climb into bed with her. Sarah probably wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight either. Usually when her kids slept with her at least one of them ended up on top of her at some point and she was always kicked or hit no less than twice. But such was the life of a parent and she loved them, so she welcomed them and their nighttime acrobatics into her bed.
While sharing a bed with two active young children wasn't always pleasant, it was infinitely more comfortable than the chair at the hospital had been. So even with kids bouncing all over the bed and throwing themselves on top of her, Sarah still had a better night's sleep than what she had gotten at the hospital.
Being back at home did mean middle of the night interruptions though and right on schedule Gabriel woke up for his middle of the night feeding. Through the baby monitor she kept on her nightstand Sarah could hear his hunger cries. She wasn't the only one who heard him crying though. Abigail and Felicity were both awoken by the sound as well.
"Mommy, why is Gabriel crying?" Abigail asked, rubbing her eyes.
"He's just hungry sweetie. Go back to sleep."
As she got up from the bed Sarah kissed each of her girls and pulled the covers back over them. "I'll be back as soon as I finish feeding your brother."
Yawning Sarah shuffled off toward the nursery to feed Gabriel. She hoped that it wouldn't be too much longer before he started sleeping through the night so that she didn't have to get up halfway through the night anymore. It was really wearing her out, especially now that she had returned to work.
As soon as Gabriel had filled his little tummy and fell back to sleep Sarah returned to her room to go back to bed, however she ran into a bit of a problem. During her absence both Abigail and Felicity had migrated over to her side of the bed. Just like cats Sarah thought, stealing the warm spot the on the bed.
With an amused smile Sarah went around the bed and crawled into Chuck's side of the bed. As she lay on Chuck's pillow images of him flooded her mind. She hadn't been on this side of the bed since he went missing and now memories of their life and their nights together filled her thoughts. She remembered the way it felt to be held in his arms and the feel of his warm breath on her neck. She remembered the scents of his shampoo and aftershave and the steady beat of his heart as he drifted off to sleep.
When morning came Sarah just wanted to lie awake in bed for a few moments to keep the happy dreams alive. She knew that as soon as she got up she would be back to reality and the reality was that Chuck was lying catatonic in a CIA hospital after enduring eight months of trauma. Sarah was able to lie on the bed undisturbed for an entire minute before Abigail and Felicity started to rouse from their slumber. For one minute Sarah got to remember the way things used to be.
The week went by just like any typical week with school and work and afternoon bonding time. Then when the weekend arrived Sarah once more was on a plane to see her husband.
As soon as she arrived at the medical facility Sarah realized that she couldn't keep doing this. She was needed back home by her children. She couldn't spend every weekend away from them in this hospital. Learning that there had been no change in Chuck further cemented the idea in her mind that she couldn't keep coming back every weekend.
After talking with Beckman and some of the staff, Sarah was escorted back to Chuck's room. He still sat in his catatonic state with his eyes glassed over, but she noticed that he was starting to look healthier. His skin was regaining its color and he didn't look so badly malnourished anymore. He still had a long way to go, but at least he was starting to improve in some aspects.
Knowing that she wouldn't be able to return next weekend, Sarah planned to make the most of this weekend with Chuck as she could. She wouldn't spend the weekend sitting by his bedside and holding his hand all day, instead she would try to find answers. Maybe she could figure out how to get him to eat actual food, so that he wouldn't need the feeding tube anymore. She knew she couldn't fix whatever was wrong in his mind, but at least she might have a chance with this.
Throughout the entire weekend Sarah worked furiously around the clock to get Chuck to accept food. She talked to everyone who had ever offered him food in the time he'd been here to see what they had tried and what hadn't worked. She also spent a great deal of time trying to get him to take something from her.
All day long she offered him a piece of bread and begged him to take a bite. She even tried putting a tiny piece in his mouth to see if he would then swallow, but he remained completely unresponsive no matter what she tried. Then, suddenly something completely unexpected happened, Sarah again offered the bread to Chuck, and while he remained in his catatonic state he did open his mouth and accept the food.
After Chuck swallowed the bite of bread Sarah immediately alerted one of his nurses. A plate of hot food was quickly delivered to his room and Sarah proceeded to feed him by asking him to open his mouth. Sarah tried to get Chuck to eat as much as she could to help him build his strength back up.
Sarah tried the same thing the following day, but nothing happened. She tried asking Chuck to open his mouth to eat over and over, but she was met with no response. She didn't understand why she couldn't get him to eat now and then an image from her subconscious flashed across her mind. Suddenly Sarah realized that she had gotten Chuck to eat something exactly on the hour.
With this knowledge Sarah guessed that Chuck had been kept on a very strict schedule while he was being held, and like with his bathroom breaks he must have had a feeding schedule and would only eat at those times. Sarah notified Chuck's caregivers of this information and hoped they could use it to help him.
Sarah left at the end of that weekend with a renewed sense of hope that her husband would be able to recover and that he would come back to her. That feeling didn't last for very long though, when she received a call from General Beckman in the middle of the week. She learned that things went downhill with Chuck after she left and that he was no longer doing well at the medical facility. There was nothing more they could do for him, so he was being sent home.
A/N: There you have it, the first new chapter of the year. I hope you all are continuing to enjoy the story.