Chapter 2
I end passing out a few hours before I need to wake up and for those hours it felt like a blink filled with images of Johanna. I wake up lazily trying to understand: why is she overpowering all my thoughts? I turn around to find her bed empty. Why did she leave so early? Why didn't she let me know she was leaving? Why didn't she wait for me? Because she's Johanna Mason and there is nothing attaching her to you or the other way around. I need to get my mind back into its right place. I need to stop wondering about things that make no sense. What is going on with me? Aff. If only Johanna— Breakfast time; I got to go. Have to focus my aim: killing Snow. That's all that matters now. Kill Snow and keep Prim safe.
I go have breakfast. I start eating slowly when I notice Johanna isn't around. I wait, but after several minutes of eating slowly to the point of boredom, I can't wait anymore. I finish my breakfast and go to our room to get ready for training. When I walk in I find her sitting on her bed examining some boxes.
"Johanna!" I exclaim louder than I should and sounding more excited to see her than I wished to be. She looks up startled and clearly surprised with the tone in my voice.
"Katniss!" She exclaims mocking my tone. I roll my eyes and walk to her.
"What is this?" I ask her.
"They are called CD's and this is a CD player" she tells me indicating each one respectively. I sit down timidly on her bed in a position that the CD's would be between us. I was already tense; better have some kind of barrier between us. "I found them inside a wardrobe earlier. They were in a box saying 'CD's with hyper-capacity. Songs from the 2000's.' Which refers to the years from 2000 to 2999; I have no idea of what year we are on according to this counting, but who cares, really? Looks like the music could be good. Wanna listen to them?"
"Sure, why not. You know how to makes this work?"
"I didn't. But I read the manual, brainless." She says picking a white CD with wasted writing on it saying 'Songs by P!nk' and putting it in the CD player. She presses a button and the CD player starts doing a motor sound as it clearly turns on. Johanna presses another button and a song starts playing. "Apparently this one is called 'Try'."
Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
The song keeps on with the girl's aching voice as I remember how my body is aflame every moment Johanna is around. The closer she is to me (and the less clothes she's wearing) make me feel a flame burning from my insides. Maybe that's what this song means. It just shows how there's always being a flame in me that was sparked by Johanna, just like I sparked the rebellion. And that we will help each other to get up and try and try and try as we are doing right now; she's helping me get to the Capitol, I'm helping her to overcome her fear of water. When the song finishes Johanna turns off the CD player and gets up leisurely.
"Nice song, but we gotta go training now." She says thoughtfully looking at me, her eyes dense with emotion. I wonder what she was thinking about, what did the song brought to her mind. Did the song brought me to her mind as it brought Johanna to mine? "We got to go train if you want to go to the Capitol, brainless" she says stumping out of the room. I get up thoughtfully and race to catch up with Johanna.
Today the training is hard and we end exhausted for lunch. The daily routine is quite similar to the previews days. Training all day, some occasional Mockingjay meetings, lunch with the prep team, Peeta, Johanna, Finnick and Annie, and Gale and his siblings, maybe train again, shower, dinner, room, try to sleep while listening to Johanna sob or mumble in her sleep. The new thing now is that I spend reflection time listening to the songs Johanna found, which is actually interesting and better than feeling my body heat up with the memory of Johanna or anger because the Capitol stole Peeta away from me. I sit on Johanna's bed as I listen to the last song of the P!nk CD, which seems perfect for Johanna and I. I mean, we're both broken in a way. I know there's something else. I know this isn't the only reason why this song is good for us, but I still need to figure it out. Ugh. I wish it was simpler to understand. It can't be. Johanna is a girl, and if she doesn't hate me anymore I am sure we aren't even friends in her eyes. I listen to other songs. There's Adele, Os Tribalistas, Belen, Amy Winehouse, Jesse & Joy, Julieta Venegas, Beyonce, Disney songs, Calle 13 and many others; some are in some sort of different language I can't understand. Johanna comes in stopping abruptly when she sees me.
"What are you doing in my bed?" She asks me possessively. I shrug my shoulders.
"Just listening to some music." I answer, trying not to care about her tone. She stretches as if she was about to run a marathon and looks at me with certainty.
"It's shower time." She says with a slight hint of fear and regret that she's announcing it. Yet, she is definitely determined to keep on with this. I smile at her as I stand up and let her lead me to the shower. We strip rather quickly both stealing looks from each other as we do so and then pretend we never looked. When we are done with it I let her get in first and then go after her.
"Want to try going first?" I ask her as the water temperature gets adjusted. She stares at me. I look into her eyes and see her struggle, wanting to be strong but not able to. "It's ok Jo," I taste the nickname hoping she won't mind, "I'll go first until you're ready. No need to push yourself." She smiles at me gratefully, but it quickly transforms into a smirk.
"Who said I don't feel ready?" She says, almost sounding like the real Johanna. "I just want to take my time watching you shower." She finishes with a wink. I laugh out loud as I get under the water and start showering. I feel her eyes scanning me at all times, and when I open mine and take a look at her, her gaze is intense and her eyes are full of something I never saw before mixed with that look Peeta would get when he looked at me every time he thought I couldn't see him. Johanna surely doesn't feel ready, but she definitely wasn't lying about watching me shower. I pull her to the shower, it's very similar to the first time we showered together just that she's not trembling as much as before and she doesn't scream or groan in pain anymore. I take the soap and hand it to her but she shakes her head with a naughty smile. "Nu uh girl on fire, I feel like washing my hair this time, since you always do that part." She says daring me, "I'll take care of my hair and you take care of the rest" I feel my face burning as my heart races in anticipation. I— I've been literary dreaming of this for the past week, but there's still that boiling anxiousness in the thought of touching her, just like when I woke up in the hospital and would find her in my bed.
"Sure. Whatever you say." I manage, trying to sound as care free as possible and holding the soap firmly in my hand. I wet the soap and start to rub it on her. I start with her arms taking my time to feel her soft skin under my hands. I wonder how she managed that after so much torturing to her body, maybe it's the long years of living with the Capitol taking care of her image. I rub my hand on the soap to then wash her face. I start grabbing her face all over and squeezing it. At first Johanna tries to back away, but she quickly starts giggling and trying to get rid of me. But that doesn't work, so she starts tickling me and I do the same. She bursts out laughing; I never heard her laugh like this before, but this laugh is free and light, like a child's laugh. It reaches my heart and widens my smile. We tickle each other until I end up losing balance and pressing her against the wall with my body. Our faces are almost touching and I can feel her breath on my mouth; I lean in slightly, her eyes locked in mine and I can feel the same intensity from before invading me, making my mind cloudy, giving life to the most unreachable thoughts. Johanna leans in and I can feel her lips almost touching mine when she smiles.
"We better finish this. Don't want to get another lecture for wasting water." She says, slowly moving away from lme. I nod, breathless, and go to her. I start to get nervous again as my hands wander her back, her breasts, down her toned stomach to her legs and butt. I stop awkwardly noticing there was only one part left. "Don't worry, brainless. I'll take care of that." She takes the soap from my hand and finishes my job. While she finishes I step back to have a better look at her body. If at least I weren't too focused on her arrogance before, I would have noticed how beautiful she really is. I sigh as I notice what I just thought. I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could simply deny it. But it's about time I stop denying to myself that can actually have feelings for other people other than Prim and that those feelings might be stronger than I want them to be.
We get out, and after I dry my body I go to my room. It's weird not having Johanna teasing me or provoking me while we do it. I walk to the room swaying my hips, waiting for it to happen, expecting her to do something, but Johanna stays silent and I can't do much more. I get to the room and play P!nk's CD on shuffle because it's Johanna's favorite and "True Love" starts playing. I pick up the uniform, I put on my underwear and when I'm pulling up my pants I feel Johanna's hands on my back. She holds me for a second as I stay unmoved, and then she slowly slides her hands around my waist and wraps me with her arms. She stays there, hugging me and lays her head on my shoulder when I hold her arms, caressing her. I feel her body pressing against mine through the rough texture of her uniform. My heart races with the feeling of Johanna's body against mine, attached to me with no apparent intention of ever letting me go. I turn around making sure she won't let go and hold her face with one hand as I place the other one behind her neck. I pull her closer and timidly place my lips on hers, holding my breath, afraid of what might happen. This annoys me because I've done it before. I've kissed Gale and Peeta several times; why am I so nervous now? Johanna presses her lips against mine firmly, expelling any inner conflict I was having. I feel her hands trembling on my back, she sucks my lower lip with hers, sending an eruption of emotion and heat from my stomach to all over my mind and body can reach and pushes me away. She runs out of the room, slamming the door behind her; nonetheless, I caught a smile in her lips when she turned around.
I can't help but smile. I hope no one will notice, but in dinner it is clear my plan fails. I sit down after I get my food and start eating when my eyes meet Finnick's; he looks at me knowingly and winks. Of course Johanna told him, after all they are clearly best friends, just like Gale and I, but I definitely won't tell Gale about this. I look down at my food as I try not to blush and to hide my grin. I feel Gale's gaze on me and ignore it until he speaks to me.
"Catnip, what happened? Why are smiling so much?" He asks me smiling, hoping for something good, but I just shake my head.
"Nothing, just that I've had a reasonably good day. Nothing s…" I'm answering him when Johanna comes and sits next to Finnick. Our eyes lock and she grins at me. I turn around before I blush and find Gale's confused eyes.
"I know what gave Katniss that smile." Peeta says startling us. "She's fucking Johanna." Yes, the Capitol truly stole Peeta away from me. Johanna bursts out laughing. Finnick tries not to laugh. Gale starts with a 'what are you talking about', but his question is suppressed by my shout. Yet Peeta looks very sure of his words.
"WHAT?" Shout and before I notice it, I'm running away to my room. It can't be. I lost him. I truly did. And I barely touched Johanna! How can he say something like that?! He has no right to. I never— ugh. One thing he's not wrong at, I would do it if I had the opportunity to. That's what my dreams tell me at night. There you go Katniss! The girl on fire just said it! Finally, you admitted it. You love her. NO. I— I like her. I really, really like her. But that's all. That's all for now.
I undress myself and lay on my bed to sleep. I stay there for a while when Johanna comes in laughing.
"I know he was a sweetie before, but Peeta is hilarious now that the Capitol had some work done on him. Especially the interaction you two have!" and she laughs again and I can't help but chuckle, even if it upsets me a bit. She undresses and falls asleep quickly. I stay there for a while. For the first time the night is silent. I let my mind go and my body relax as the feeling of Johanna's lips on mine start tingling and burning. "NO!" Johanna wakes up screaming and making me jump to my feet instantly. She looks around desperately looking for something and when she sees me her expression softens and she gives me a weak smile. I walk to her and sit on the edge of the bed; without a word she hugs me and cries softly on my neck. When she calms down again she pulls me closer in a way that my only option is to lay down with her. She caresses my neck, slowly running her fingers up my chin, to my lips and my cheeks; there she holds my face and kisses me softly. My heart starts pounding against my chest as I kiss her back and for a moment I forget everything. I forget the training. I forget the permission to go to the Capitol. I forget the Capitol. I forget Snow. I forget Prim. All I know is that I'm here and Johanna is in my arms and she's kissing me. Not a lusty kiss. I kiss with love, and I'm kissing her back with all the love I have for her. And our kiss tastes like home and turn saltier as her tears fall down her face to invade our lips. We break apart and Johanna gives me a quick short kiss on my lower lip. "You don't leave, unless I tell you to. Do you understand?" she tells me with a commanding but pleading tone. I simply nod and hold her tighter and for the first time we both sleep the whole night with no dreams to wake us up.
A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for taking such a long time to update, but the IB is consuming my time. Thanks for the reviews. If you guys have too much trouble with the dialogue please tell me and I'll change the format. I'm doing it this way because it's my first fanfic and I want to experiment a bit. I'll update as soon as I can.