Chapter 7

After I finished my test I find one more flaw in my persona. Lack of discipline—better say: lack of crazy military discipline. My objective was right there and they couldn't let me go. They had to just show me how much obedience I lack and owe them. Just like the Capitol. But I passed the test and I'm ready to go to the Capitol. It's mainly to just show me shooting arrows around and fighting the rebellion while the rest of the revolution actually wins the war, but I'll find my way to Snow. I will kill him and then… Well, I used to say there was nothing after that, but maybe I can just go to Seven or Johanna could go to Twelve and we can live in my house. I don't know what will happen. I don't know what I want to happen. Maybe I should just kill Snow first and then see what comes up.

After being dismissed from the meeting, Finnick and I discuss how similar this is to the games and how people like Annie or Prim or mother won't hear a word from us about this. That's when Haymitch comes with the news. "Johanna is back in the hospital." He said with no warning. He could have said, "Hey guys, guess what? Something really bad and unfortunate happened." But no. Nothing at all. Just dropped the bomb. Just how it's very likely of Haymitch to do. Just like I would do it. My blood freezes Why? Why? Why? Johanna is a warrior. She should have passed the training!

"Is she hurt? What happened?" I hear myself blurting, unable to control the despair in my voice.

"They flooded the block in the simulation." Haymitch answers and my head spins as I feel the floor shifting under my feet. Why? Why? I thought I helped. My knees wobble and I have to support myself on the wall as Haymitch keeps on talking, "you two should go see her. You're as close to friends as she's got." I try to say something casual about what is going happen. Both Finnick and Haymitch leave to do whatever they'll do and I wait for Boggs to ask him for a special favor.

I run to my compartment, thinking to use the parachute, but it's so full of ugly memories. Instead, I go across the hall and take one of the white cotton bandages I brought from 12. Square. Sturdy. Just the thing. In the woods, I find a pine tree and strip handfuls of fragrant needles from the boughs. After making a neat pile in the middle of the bandage, I gather up the sides, give them a twist, and tie them tightly with a length of vine, making an apple-sized bundle.

When I finally gain the courage to go see Johanna, I stop to watch her before making myself noticed. I realize that without her sassy aggressive nature, Johanna is no more than a young woman who is now fighting against the drugs to stay awake. I know why. She fears what sleep brings. The nightmares. The blood. Elsa's lifeless body unable to comfort her and let her know everything is going to be alright.

I cross to her and hold out the bundle unsure of what to say.

"What's that?" She says hoarsely. Damp edges of her hair form little spikes over her forehead. Sweaty with the effort of staying awake. Sweaty with the fear of vulnerability.

"I made it for you, Jo. Something to put in your drawer." I place it in her hands. My tongue itches wanting to say the truth. Something to keep us close. "Go on, smell it." She lifts the bundle to her nose and takes a careful sniff. And her eyes flood with tears.

"Smells like home." Her voice cracks as it brings her wonderful and dreadful memories. I can see all of them running in front of her eyes.

"That's what I was hoping. You being from Seven and all," I say and suddenly a memory brings a smile to my face. "Remember when we met? You were a tree. Well, briefly." I say in an attempt to make her laugh or at least smile, maybe make her eyes shine with something that isn't fear or rage. But she abruptly grabs my wrist in an iron grip.

"You have to kill him, Katniss." Her voice is firm but desperate.

"Don't worry, I don't plan on doing otherwise." I resist the temptation to wrench my arm free. I wanted her touch, but not this.

"Swear it. On something you care about," she hisses at me. Where's the Johanna I knew? Where's the Johanna from a couple of days ago? Where's my Jo? Do you want me to swear it on you?

"I swear it. On my life." But she doesn't let go of my arm. We both know how much I care about that. Her eyes almost shadow with sarcasm when I say it, but she's quick to snatch the needy rage back into her eyes.

"On your family's life" she insists, knowing what truly matters to me.

"On my family's life," I repeat, making sure it sounds convincing. I swear it on your life Johanna. I swear it on my want to see you strong again. I want to say it. I feel it tingling my tongue as we shovel deep into each other's eyes. But then she lets go and I rub my wrist, losing any buzz that was making me consider saying it out loud. I want her to know, but I don't dare say it. What if she hears me? What if someone else hears me? I love you. But do I? "Why do you think I'm going anyway, brainless?" I finally say, replacing my real oath with a slight tease. That makes her smile a little, brightening my heart with hope.

"I just needed to hear it." She presses the bundle of pine needles to her nose sniffing as much as her numb muscle would let her and reluctantly closes her eyes whispering a sloppy "thank you". I try to stay awake watching over her, but after a few hours of constant vigilance over her well-being she seems to be alright in her dreams. I start dozing off when I hear her whispering something. My mind goes to alert mode immediately as I try to identify what she whispers. Three times she says it, the word dragging out of her lips in an almost inaudible whisper.

I run from the hospital to my room trying to hold the tears that sting my eyes mercilessly. It was a name, a short soft name. I try to convince myself that it was my name, but both I and my consciousness know it was her name. I wish I could say that this night's sleepless, but I actually cry myself to sleep. During the next days my energy is slightly lower than usual and everyone looks at me with concerned eyes. "It's nothing, just a bit nervous. Haven't being able to sleep." I lie to them. I've slept a lot, but sleep never brings me rest. I see the many ways the mission in the Capitol could go wrong. I meet Elsa when she's dead. I meet Elsa and Johanna married and happy, kissing into their happily ever after ending as I slowly slip away from the world and nobody notices because now not even Peeta cares.

Real or not real?

It's all fire.

It's all burning.

It's all gone.

Finally, I am the girl on fire.

I am on fire

Who am I?

I'm Katniss Everdeen from District 12. I'm 17. I won the 74th Hunger Games. I escaped from the Quarter Quell. I survived. I am the Mockingjay. I am the rebellion. I'm fighting against the Capitol. Until- until she…. Oh Prim.

Am I? Am I? Or is the correct term was? I don't know anymore. It's all red. It's all burning. It's all gone. I dream with all of them gone. Flying away. I want to fly with them. Prim cries and begs me to stay. But it hurts here. It burns here. I don't want to stay. I don't want to burn anymore. I don't want to be the girl on fire. I don't want to be the Mockingjay. I never did. I just want to go to them. I want it so bad. But slowly I feel myself being dragged away back to the burning world. I haven't killed Snow yet. I have to kill him. And slowly the thirst from revenge grows and fuels the fire that burns me awake. Snow is going to die as quick as snow melts near fire.

Faces flash by. Masked doctors. Mother. Haymitch. Disctrict 13 people. A white ceiling. More doctors. At some point I'm able to turn a bit without much pain and I see her there. Do I? As far as I know she's alive. Not like Finnick. Not like Prim. Not like Boggs. But what do I know? Maybe it's just a vision to peace me down. Johanna worrying about me enough to seat in the same room I am hospitalized in to make sure I'm alright? No. Johanna would never. Even if she loved me. After all she's Johanna Mason; she's being through all that and she knows how people would react to an us. I don't know the latter, but I've being through my own life and I wouldn't come to see her, even if I loved her. Would I? Do I?

I drift off and back to reality again and again and again, with that question bothering me. Do I? Do I love at all? What if everyone is gone now? I don't know how am I not gone, but I'm here. Alive. Burning. Vulnerable. Living of morphing. But alive. Alive. I slowly come back. The doctors decide I can have my own room even though they are still concerned with my muteness. And I take back my habit of hiding inside closets and hoping nobody finds me. Then I drift off to sleep, and when I'm sure there's no one to see I come out of the closet and go back to my room so they can attempt to feed me.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. My home is District 12. There is no District

12. I am the Mockingjay. I brought down the Capitol. President Snow hates me. He killed my sister. Now I will

kill him. And then the Hunger Games will be over...

The bracelet in my wrist screams as I turn it round and around. Mentally disoriented. Mentally disoriented mentallydisoriented mentallydisorientedmentallydisorientedmentallydisorientedmentallydisoriented. Suddenly I find myself despising baths. I bath alone or with someone's help. And I hate it. I don't want to shower with them. I don't want to shower alone. I just want- I don't want to see my naked body in the mirror. My burned naked body. Naked. Alone. Burned. Closing my eyes doesn't help. Fire burns brighter in the dark. Prim burns brighter in the dark. I burn brighter in the dark. She burns brighter in the dark. Did she burn? Peeta burns brighter in the dark. Peeta. Peeta made it to the city. He's aflame like me. He's still in the hospital. Oh Peeta. I'm glad he's alive but I regret he burned like me. He still loves me. Peeta is actually coming back but what about- What if…

The smell burns my nostrils. Roses. Am I close to where they grow? His words bump the blood in my veins at a quicker, feverish rate. "However, I must concede it was a masterful move on Coin's part. The idea that I was bombing our own helpless children instantly snapped whatever frail allegiance my people still felt to me. There was no real resistance after that. Did you know it aired live? You can see Plutarch's hand there. And in the parachutes. Well, it's that sort of thinking that you look for in a Head Gamemaker, isn't it? I'm sure he wasn't gunning for your sister, but these things happen." She's going to kill me. Coin has everything in her grasp. Everything… except me. Boggs words bump into my ears. "If your immediate answer isn't Coin, then you're a threat. You're the face of the rebellion. You may have more influence than any other single person. Outwardly, the most you've ever done is tolerated her." And Prim. Prim, as much as she would love to, she wasn't old enough yet to be aloud to the front of the war to rescue people by District 13 rules. Coin must have- No. No. Now I'm going crazy. Now I'm just going back to paranoia. No good in that. I need help. I need someone to help me figure this out. Cinna, Boggs, Finnick and Prim are off the list. Peeta could only speculate. Johanna is hospitalized as far as I know. I haven't heard a word of her. Gale is probably far away and even if he were here what would I ask him? "Hey, Gale. Was it your bomb that killed Prim? You know, just curious about it. Want to figure some stuff out." No. There's only one person I can go to. He might gamble my life in the games, but he won't play around when Coin is involved. With that in mind I go find Haymitch.

"Haymitch" I begin after waking him up, probably from a nightmare.

"Listen to that. The Mockingjay found her voice." He laughs. "Well, Plutarch's going to be happy." Go screw Plutarch and his games. I want to know who actually killed Prim. I want to know why the fuck hasn't there been a word about Johanna.

"I need your help" I say. Haymitch belches, filling the air with white liquor fumes. Where's Johanna? Who commanded those bombs?

"What is it, sweetheart? More boy trouble?" Boy trouble? Prim's death and murderer isn't boy trouble. Johanna is not boy trouble. Even Peeta- I don't know why, but this hurts me in a way Haymitch rarely can. It must show on my face, because even in his drunken state, he tries to take it back. "Okay, not funny." I'm already at the door, wondering how can I feel so empty. "Not funny! Come back!" By the thud of his body hitting the floor, I assume he tried to follow me, but there's no point. I'll just hide again. In one those closets no one finds me. No one sees me coming out.

I stay in there, with the furs, for god-knows-how-long. Feeling fear and disappointment creeping up in my heart when someone opens the closet doors. For a moment I think it might be good to resist, but to what point? They'll just drag me out and get it their way. The person kneels down and holds my face and I can't believe this. I see that smirk forming the lips when they open to speak.

"You've been hiding in these closets for a while now. I thought you would stop at some point, but you never did." Her voice rings in my ears like a blessing. She's here. She was keeping an eye on me. She has followed me, without me noticing, for all this time. My heart pounds against my chest for what seems the first time since I was aflame. "I'm glad you're still alive and that your mental disorientation has kept you at simply hiding in closets. But that can't last forever, girl on fire. I thought you'd come out at some point. But since it looks like that won't happen I will drag you out of the closet, brainless." She's glad. She is glad that I am alive. The nickname brings the ghost of a smile to my face. She pulls me up into her arms and drags me away. I let me be carried as my mind drifts off again. And for a long time, in my sleep, I am not on fire, I am not burning. I'm just in Johanna's arms, swinging loosely, been carried away by the only person who know me in every way a person could know me.

A/N: Hey guys! So, we're close to the ending. And I just want to warn you all. It might not end as expected. Hope you guys liked it. It took me sooooo long to write it. Life's going hard on me and it has stolen my time, but I'm trying my best to keep on updating. After I finish it I will do a general review of the chapters 'cause I bet there are some silly but horrible mistakes along the way. This chapter is barely review. So I'm sorry, just don't want to delay it any further. Please review. It's important to me. Constructive criticism always motivates and lets me know someone is actually reading the story :-) Sending lots of love to everyone who needs it. Got lots to give, so here you go. Anything you need just PM me or something :-)