Chapter 8
I stay in my bed, cuddled against Johanna's legs, head on her thigh as she caresses my scalp. Her smell invades me; my mind is fired with all the memories of us when her smell was the thickest, and my mouth waters with the memory of her taste. Taste. I want to taste. Oh, finally I can have her again. I turn my head and plant a kiss on her thigh. And guilt creeps up on me as the feeling of Peeta's shaky lips slithers on my skin; the my second kiss goes higher on her leg as I do my best to blow Peeta away from my mind. I kiss my way up to her abs and the feeling of her body tensing with the contact is enough to finally knock Peeta away.
"What are you doing?" She asks, finally putting the book down and paying attention to what I'm doing. But I ignore her. I drag my lips down to press them on her groin. "Katn—" with a gasp she stops talking when I dig my teeth as if I could taste her through the rather thick material of her rebel uniform. She grabs me by my hair and yanks me upward. "What the hell ar" I completely ignore her. Why is she complaining? Heavens, I miss her! I lunge myself forward trapping her lips with mine. I feel her trembling hands grasping my hips, running to plant her palms on my middle. And I tremble with her touch, sure that it's an attempt to caress me. I suck her lower lip and nip at it, snatching a low moan from her throat. Oow I missed that sound. I try to straddle her when she pushes me away and I fall on my butt at the edge of the bed whining lowly. Nng Johaaannaa. And then I notice it.
She pushed me away.
She's rejecting all my advances
WHAT?! Why...?My eyes grow wide with confusion and disappointment. Since when does she push me away like that when I'm trying to kiss her? I- I thought we- I try to move myself forward, but Johanna stops me with her left foot. I search her eyes wanting to find what I'm doing wrong in them.
"Johanna, please." I beg her, my voice hoarse with need, but I don't care. I need for this hole inside of me to be filled and if Johanna did it once, why can't she do it again?
"No Katniss! You CAN'T do this, Katniss! I won't let you do this to me." She's hisses at me "You kissed Peeta, Katniss. You showed how blindly in love you are with him. And how oblivious you are to it. Then, probably because your pride and skull are too thick to let you see your own feelings for lover boy, you get confused or whatever and kiss Gale. And who the hell knows what made you kiss me in that goddam day! You kissed ME! You had all the opportunities to walk away. But you didn't. And you kissed him. We, Katniss, are not a lá carte for you to pick as you like, when you feel like it!" Whaaaaaat? I'm really lost right now. "I've had enough Katniss. I can take care of you. I can keep an eye on you. I need to make sure you're alright. I will be your friend if you want me to. But no more, Katniss, no more of this." She stands up going towards the door. "Tell me what you want when you know it. I'm not your toy for you to play with… I'm nobody's toy anymore. I thought you understood. I'll see you around. And make sure you stop hiding inside that closet…or any closet." With that she leaves and I stay frozen, my wrists start aching with my weight on them as I try to process what happened. That kiss. I thought she wanted. How does she know about Gale? Is she talking about the kissing with Peeta during the games or the kissing when we arrived here in the Capitol? I shake my head. Johanna might be mad now, but I need to let things cool down. Maybe then she'll let me get close again. Maybe it's just because of everything that's been happening still needs to cool down.
I let the days pass in my monotonous lingering. Expecting to see Johanna bursting inside my room, lunging herself on me and pinning me on the bed. Or Peeta, knocking politely like he does, coming in and sitting on the edge of my bed to see if I'm alright. Maybe even Gale, just to check on me, see how alive I am, after all he is my friend. I finish this thought looking at the bow that was left in room. With no sheath. With no arrows. Like a Mockingjay with no voice…
Effie eventually comes by with my prep team, apparently the only prep team that's still alive. She tries her best to act like she usually is, but that glimmer is definitely gone from her eyes. If I at least knew what happened to her, if they did something to her, or was it only the fact of having war and the crude truth bare before her eyes that made them lose that sparkle? Shortly after there's a tap on the door and Gale comes in asking for a second with me.
"I brought you this." Gale holds up a sheath that holds a single, ordinary arrow. "It's supposed to be symbolic. You know, firing the last shot of the war and all." He makes sure to keep eye contact as hard as it may be to both of us.
"What if I miss?" I say, knowing that that will never actually happen. "Does Coin retrieve it and bring it back to me? Or just shoot Snow through the head herself 'cause she's tired of my shit?"
"You won't miss." Gale shrugs off my joke and adjusts the sheath on my shoulder. We stand there, face-to-face, finally breaking eye contact. Neither can keep it up. "So… How's everything with Johanna? Heard she arrived a bit earlier than I did." That stings. He heard of her arrival. I didn't. I don't know what to answer. I don't know the answer. What is going on with Johanna and I?
"I don't know what you mean with 'how's everything with Johanna'" I whimper "You didn't come see me in the hospital." I remind him. He doesn't answer. He never looks up and I know we are both thinking the same. That bitter mixture that invades our minds in completely different manners. Ourselves, Johanna and Prim. Prim. So finally I just ask it. "Was it your bomb?"
"I don't know. Neither does Beetee" he says bitterly. "Does it even matter? You'll always be thinking about it." He waits for me to deny it; I want to deny it, but it's true. Even now I can see the fire that ignites her, feel the heat of the flames. And I will never be able to separate that moment from Gale; especially now that I know that there is no way to find out if it was his bomb or not. My silence is my answer and he understands me. "That was the one thing I had going for me. Taking care of your family," he says, his voice almost cracks but he's quick to recover it. "Shoot straight, okay?" He touches my cheek and leaves. I want to call him back and tell him that I was wrong. That I'll figure out a way to make peace with this. To remember the circumstances under which he created the bomb. Take into account my own inexcusable crimes. Dig up the truth about who dropped the parachutes. Prove it wasn't the rebels. Tell him that I will never leave him again. Forgive him. But since I can't, I'll just have to deal with the pain.
Effie comes in to usher me to some kind of meeting. I collect my bow and at the last minute remember the rose, glistening in its glass of water. When I open the door to the bathroom, I find my prep team sitting in a row on the edge of the tub, hunched and defeated. And for the first time since I burnt, I remember I'm not the only one whose world has been almost entirely shattered.
"Come on," I tell them trying to say my words as softly as possible. "We've got an audience waiting."
I'm expecting a production meeting in which Plutarch instructs me where to stand and gives me my cue for shooting Snow. Instead, I find myself sent into a room where six people sit around a table. Peeta, Johanna, Beetee, Haymitch, Annie, and Enobaria. They all wear the gray rebel uniforms from 13. No one looks particularly well. Haymitch is already back to his drunkenness. Peeta is still scarred from the flames, like me. And Johanna seems to be recovering well from her break down, her attitude is back, but she's definitely thinner, thankfully not sicker.
"What's this?"I inquire. It might as well be a trap to finish killing off the victors…
"We're not sure" Haymitch answers "It appears to be a gathering of the remaining victors. Hope they won't try to kill us. That's kind of hard to do." He says jokingly but we all catch the bitterness in his voice.
"We're all that's left?" I ask rather surprised. Weren't there more alive victors around?
"The price of celebrity," says Beetee. "We were targeted from both sides. The Capitol killed the victors they suspected of being rebels. The rebels killed those thought to be allied with the Capitol. Funny that they never cared to ask us."
Johanna scowls at Enobaria. "So what's she doing here?" She seems ready to attack her.
"She is protected under what we call the Mockingjay Deal" says Coin when finally arriving to the meeting she summoned. "Wherein Katniss Everdeen agreed to support the rebels in exchange for captured victors' immunity. Katniss has upheld her side of the bargain, and so shall we." Enobaria smiles at Johanna triumphantly, showing off her sharp teeth.
"Don't look so smug," says Johanna. "We'll kill you anyway." Ha! There's the Johanna Mason I missed so much. I try not to chuckle as I send her a shining smile. Johanna smirks at me but is quick to avert her gaze.
"Sit down, please, Katniss," says Coin, closing the door. I finally take my eyes off Johanna to look around trying to find a way of sitting near Johanna or Peeta, but I take the only empty seat between Annie and Beetee, carefully placing Snow's rose on the table. As usual, Coin gets right to the point. "I've asked you here to settle a debate. Today we will execute Snow. In the previous weeks, hundreds of his accomplices in the oppression of Panem have been tried and now await their own deaths. However, the suffering in the districts has been so extreme that these measures appear insufficient to the victims. In fact, many are calling for a complete annihilation of those who held Capitol citizenship. However, in the interest of maintaining a sustainable population, we cannot afford this."
I couldn't care less. I don't really listen to Coin as I see a distorted image of one of Peeta's hands through the water in the glass. The burn marks. We are both fire mutts now. My eyes travel up to where the flames licked across his forehead, singeing away his brows but just missing his eyes. And I feel that funny bubbling in my stomach. Those same blue eyes that used to meet mine and then flit away at school. Just as they do now.
"So, an alternative has been placed on the table. Since my colleagues and I can come to no consensus, it has been agreed that we will let the victors decide. A majority of four will approve the plan. No one may abstain from the vote," says Coin finally catching my attention. "What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power." All seven of us turn to her stunned.
"What?" says Johanna, the shock is clear in her voice and she seems to want throw a rock at Coin.
"We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children," says Coin.
"Are you joking?" asks Peeta getting flustered. I seriously need to control my libido. Why is it that every time someone, who I'm apparently attracted to, gets defensive I get kinda turned on?
"No. I should also tell you that if we do hold the Games, it will be known it was done with your approval, although the individual breakdown of your votes will be kept secret for your own security," Coin tells us. Wow wow wow. That's bad. Another Hunger Games? Wasn't that what we were trying to get away from. And then the flashes come back to me.
"Was this Plutarch's idea?" asks Haymitch.
"It was mine," says Coin. What? Then maybe- maybe it was her who send the parachutes. "It seemed to balance the need for vengeance with the least loss of life. You may cast your votes." Coin finished wanting no more interruptions or delay.
"No!" bursts out Peeta as I knew he would. My Peeta is back. They're back. "I vote no, of course! We can't have another Hunger Games!" He's keeping himself true to our first wish: No more Hunger Games. No more forcing innocent children to kill each other.
"Why not?" Johanna retorts almost hissing, but I know it's not at him. I know very well who she's hissing at in her mind. And it fuels the flashes of her in my mind. "It seems very fair to me. Snow even has a granddaughter. I vote yes." She states, her eyes misty with memories.
"So do I," says Enobaria, almost indifferently. "Let them have a taste of their own medicine." And I finally understand that she also never wished to be in that arena. She burned in her own way.
"This is why we rebelled! Remember?" Peeta looks at the rest of us. I want to listen to him. I want to remember like he does. But there is no taking her burning to ashes from my eyes "Annie?" he pleades.
"I vote no with Peeta," she says. "So would Finnick if he were here." I see Johanna glaring at Annie, almost sweetly. She knows the effect that name might have on all of us.
"But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him," Johanna reminds her. For a moment I think she'll cry. But then I see that Finnick's name only fuels her want to see Capitol kids dying.
"No," says Beetee. "It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point, unity is essential for our survival. No."
"We're down to Katniss and Haymitch," says Coin. Was it like this then? Seventy-five years or so ago? Did a group of people sit around and cast their votes on initiating the Hunger Games? Was there dissent? Did someone make a case for mercy that was beaten down by the calls for the deaths of the districts' children? The scent of Snow's rose curls up into my nose, down into my throat, squeezing it tight with despair and stimulating the flames that burn her before my eyes. All those people I loved, dead, and we are discussing the next Hunger Games in an attempt to avoid wasting life. There she is, Prim, burning right before me. Nothing has changed. Flashes of her calling for me right when the bombs went off attack my mind. Nothing will ever change now. Prim is dead. They are all dead. I try to weigh my options carefully, to think everything through. But those flashes keep on attacking me and then I choose. Keeping my eyes on the rose, I say, "I vote yes...for Prim." And I feel three pair of eyes burning me in completely different ways.
"Haymitch, it's up to you," says Coin catching the attention of those eyes. A furious Peeta hammers Haymitch with the atrocity he could become party to, but I can feel Haymitch watching me. The only pair of eyes that didn't leave me. This is the moment, then. The moment when we find out exactly just how alike we are, and how much he truly understands me.
"I'm with the Mockingjay," he says. He also couldn't save someone he loved.
"Excellent. That carries the vote," says Coin. "Now we really must take our places for the execution." As she passes me, I hold up the glass with the rose.
"Can you see that Snow's wearing this? Just over his heart?" Coin smiles.
"Of course. And I'll make sure he knows about the Games."
"Thank you," I say.
Hell broke loose all over again. Thankfully it didn't burn as much. I killed Coin. I killed President Coin. Why? You might be right if you say I did it without thinking and I wouldn't deny it. But I'm glad. Now Panem lies on truly honest and hardworking hands. But that's a rather logical way of seeing things.
I don't really care as long as I don't have to be in that arena again, or lose anyone for the government. Prim is gone. Johanna hasn't showed since that day and I haven't heard news of her. I don't look for them, but every time there are news I keep my ears alert. But now I have Peeta. He is mine again- my dandelion. He saved me… again. I was going to bite into my nightlock and die, but he blocked it with his hand and all I could say was a desperate "Let me go" as I try to break free from him. But his eyes finally lock with mine and he admits to me "I can't". And just like that I'm pulled away from him. I bite, kick, claw, trying with desperation to free myself from their locking hands, to get back to him. But the guards block him from my view. And then I saw Gale, there, just watching them drag me away. And I knew he wouldn't come to me. So much for hunters and friends. Both of us. And I knew I was alone.
But then I wasn't. I came back home, or at least what was left of it. Haymitch brought me here with Peeta. I was about to kick his ass one day when I saw him bringing roses to our garden, but then I saw they were primroses, and I couldn't help but thinking, "Damn, he knows me. He knows how to heal my heart."
I still don't have news of Johanna. I know she is okay. I hope. But I also don't try to find her.
We never got married. I didn't really see a point on marrying him since he is the one I choose to be with. He loves me and every time I see him walking towards me or hear the creaking of a door opening and I know it's him, there's that warmth that spreads from my heart all over my body. Some nights, before we sleep, he asks me if I love him as if he still couldn't discern reality from illusion. I search in my heart. And I see it there. All the good he's done. The warmth that creeps up on me when I meet his eyes. That bubbly feeling I know so well that fills me every night when I find myself in his arms. So tell him I do. I tell him I love him. Because I do.
A/N: Hey guys. I'm soooooooo very sorry for the delay. My computer died and could only get one now. so the update was very delayed. This story will probably not end as you wish or even as I thought it would. I think that probably the next chapter would be the last. And I'm already prepearing for other fics. Earlier, in chapter 3 I think, I mention a past love of Johanna. You guys want me to write it? I'm still thinking about it and I would like your opinion. And it wouldn't interfere at all with my new project coming up. Again, I'm sorry this took so long. This is a late birthday gift from me to you.