That night i couldn't sleep. What, with Spot's body closing the space between us? Nada. I felt stiff in his presence. Especially in a bed with him. But it seemed like he was fast asleep. He even snored a little. Not like full on annoying snore, just a slight one.
It didn't look like Spot got any sleep.. Even when he's sleeping. Like he's constantly on edge. Cautious is the right word to describe him. But i guess i am too. It would be hard to believe that after 7 years of getting beat up by papa and his posy, that i well- wouldn't be on edge. I was cautious just like Spot. But i guess it was just a part of myself. Being cautious is who i am. But for Spot, it was like there was a lot of pressure put on him.
Like there was a big boulder on his shoulders all the time. He's good at hiding it, i'll give him that, but i wonder what kind of pressure he would be given. I mean, being the king of Brooklyn seems like pretty easy work. Tell your newsies what to do while selling your own newspapers. It didn't seem hard. But i guess i don't seem like a threat from first glance either.
I couldn't put my finger on it, but Spot made me feel… I guess the word would be secure? No- safe. Spot made me feel safe. But on edge too. I don't know when he would strike, though 99 % of the time i can predict his moves. There's still that 1 % that i'm edge about. Now, 1 % doesn't seem like a lot, but oh boy it is. That 1 % that makes me need to keep my guard up is always there. No matter what.
Even when he's asleep he could easily be awaken and attack me. Suddenly another thought came to mind. Tonight… I flash backed to about 2-3 hours ago.
The words he used kept replaying in my head. "You'se haven't slept wit no ones has you'se?" he asked curiously, with a playful tinge to it. I looked down and stared at my shoes that looked warred out and old. But i thought they looked nice because they were my only shoes anyways. I guess i'm thankful.
I could just feel the playfulness in his eyes on me. Like he was a tiger circling his prey. I felt my cheeks grow really hot. Oh no i thought. I can't show Spot that i haven't had sex. Because i have.. But i didn't want it. So i guess that's not really sex. Rape. That's what it's called. I got raped last year, when i was 13. One of my dads' goons did it. I was coming home from school and the guy walked me home.
He was super nice, that's why i thought he wasn't one of my dads' posy. But then, once we stepped into my house, it was like hell. He pulled my hair into the first guest room to the right and from there.. I shivered while Spot finally spoke. "I neva thought ya hadn't done it yet." i looked up, but that was a bad move. I stared into his taunting eyes. "Well, not really…"
I could feel my hole body shake thinking of last year. That's one of the reasons why i don't trust people so easily. I can't mistake people for being nice. I shakily brought my hand up to my loose hair and pulled it behind my ear. My knees were trembling as i saw Spot's hand coming in contact with my shoulder. But before he could touch me, i slapped it away and screamed at the top of my lungs.
I ran to the door but it was locked from the inside. I fumbled with it but eventually gave up and fell to the floor. I didn't let the tears overtake me. I taught myself to never cry. Especially not in front of mr. Spot Conlon here. I put a stressful hand over my eyes, my knees held together and my feet on either side of my thighs. I suddenly became really tired and all i wanted to do was sleep.
Sleep off all the stress and frustrations i was having. But not on the same bed with Spot. No, defiantly not. I'd rater sleep on the floor before having to be in the same bed with Spot a whole night. But i wanted the bed- all to myself. "So i guess you're sleeping on the floor then." i slowly got up and regained my composure.
He eyed my moves curiously before saying "Don't think so doll." i raised an eyebrow and put both my hands on my hips. "Yeah, but i think so." i spat back with fire. I glared at him for a second and he glared back. Like we were having an eye conversation. Like we were daring each other to run to the bed. And so in 3 seconds, we both stepped forward and i was close but Spot got there first. He swiped the blanket away from the bed and it was blanket less.
Well shit. I thought. "Spot, that's not fair." he famously smirked at me. "And you'se thinks you'se suggestion ain't?" i stared at Spot's smiling face then toward the blanket and jumped for it, but he was too quick and pulled it behind his back. I reached behind his back but then he pulled it to the left, then i reached for that but slipped on the blanket and fell down. I meant to grab Spot but instead i pulled the blanket which pulled Spot down with me.
Now this situation would have been funny for me because Spot fell flat on his face, but then again, i fell flat on my back. I turned my head sideways to find Spot glaring intensely at me. "Sorry?" i said then rolled my head upward and yawned widely. Since i had the blanket already tightly wrapped around me, i stood up and fell on the bed.
"I don't care, just don't touch me." i said sleepily and pulled the blanket over my shoulders and slept on my side. Spot just stood there stunned that i didn't fight even more, but i mean come on, i'm still a girl and need my sleep so i can fight more with Spot, although it's tiring, i didn't like losing.
I lazily brought my body up so i was sitting up right in the bed. "Well if you wanted to sleep on the ground, you could've just said so." and pulled the blanket over my head and started to move my body to the middle of the bed but felt cold medal push my body over again. I turned around and there was the almighty king carefully looking down at me. "Jeez, make up your damn mind, Conlon."
I moved my body over and felt the wall touch the side of my arm. I shivered a little and pulled the blanket even tighter around my body. I heard Spot slowly climb into the bed next to me and lay down. It was like a ton of bricks came tumbling down and realization hit me. What did i just do?
I was mentally kicking myself in the head and i so badly wanted to just push him off but then that would mean i'd have to deal with his ass. I rolled my eyes and heard him rolling to the side, toward me. Shit. shit . shit. shit. I could feel his breath tickle my ear and smell the alcohol and smoke that was his breath. It was.. Comforting. I liked the smell of alcohol, it made me feel drunk myself without actually drinking.
I liked feeling drunk because i felt like i could do anything- be anything in the entire world. I could be superman and jump off a building, thinking i was flying. I could be a tree, a flower, or even a chair. Anything i desired, i could do when i was drunk. The smell of smoke reminded of how close the newsies were to each other. They had each others back and protected one another. I liked feeling like i belonged with the newsies.
It felt nice. A sense of belonging. Spot was slightly snoring by now and it blew right in my ear. My whole body stiffened then relaxed again every time his hot breath grazed my cheek. And i was very uncomfortable. Why am i so stupid?
What made it even more awkward? That in the middle of the night- maybe 1 or 2, Spot's unconscious body decided to spoon me. And then he started talking in his sleep! Every few minutes he would mumble words like no you'se can't and then he would giggle or oh you'se dead wit me now, com mere.
By the time the sun was barely touching the horizon and Spots' back was to me, i got up and quietly crept down the steps of the Brooklyn lodging house. When i got outside to the cool morning air, i started strolling toward the docks and climbed the ladder to where Spot always looked over his newsies in the early evening. I leaned my back on the wooden box settled my newsie hat over my eyes and fell into a well needed deep sleep.
"Evelyn you better get your fucking ass back here! I swear when i catch you, you're dead meat! Come here! Now! "
My heart started pumping really fast every time he called after me. I have to get out of here i thought.
I snuck into an ally, thinking i wasn't seen by my papa and his stupid goons.
"There you are" a nasty cold voice snickered behind me.
I froze in my spot.
"There's no where to go now, sweet cheeks." i cringed with every word and every time he stepped closer.
When he finally got so close as to harshly throw his hand on my shoulder, i grabbed it and threw him over my head with all the strength i could muster up.
He fell to the ground with a loud thud and i could swear i heard a crack.
I cleaned up my hands and straightened up my clothes before stepping out in the evenings' breeze.
"Heya sweet cheeks" i slightly turned my head, my big hat covering most of my face and flicked the guy off.
This wasn't one of my papas goons. He sounded far too young- and far too drunk.
I could only make out part of his looks. He wore a grey newsie cap and held a golden cane.
I thought he looked stupid so i walked away and he didn't follow.
Soon after though, i felt a hand grasp my waist and my first reflex was to punch the guy right in the face.
But where i punched, was a hard chest. I stared up at the cruel face of his and totally shrunk.
He was at least a foot taller than me- and this was one of his goons.
He pulled me by the neck to the nearest ally and stripped me of my clothes. He said nothing, just heavily breathed.
He did that for at least 5 minutes before i felt something pop. Then threw me to the ground, kicked me in the stomach and grunted "Dirty bitch."
I layed there for so long, crying and in shock. I couldn't believe what just happened.
Why did i let him do that?
Why didn't i stop him?
Why am i so afraid?
Those were the thoughts that ran through my head at that very moment. Then, i saw a beautiful image.
A woman dressed in all white and hair so flowingly gorgeous and blonde i couldn't believe it at first.
It was my mother.
"Evelyn.. Evelyn.. Get up.."