Greetings Readers! This oneshot came from a suggestion from TigerTiger11 regarding the first oneshot. I hope that you like it!

Warnings: After season 4, angst/hurt/comfort

Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of its characters.

"Oh, come on, mate. Have a go, then!"

Gwaine's exclamation was punctuated by a very hearty slap on the shoulder that nearly sent Merlin plunging headfirst into his tankard of mead. Years of being around the boisterous knight only just prevented Merlin from crashing into the bar, and he straightened up, shooting his friend a half-hearted glare while massaging his aching shoulder. "Go at what?" He asked confusedly.

"What d'you think?" Gwaine barked with amusement, turning his friend around on the bar stool and pointed, with a finger quivering slightly with overindulgence, in the corner. "The girls, mate. Look at them – you could have any of 'em you wanted with just a crook of the finger.'

Merlin gave a very Arthur-like snort and rolled his eyes before returning to his tankard. However, neither Gwaine nor the rest of the knights of the Round Table who had joined them noticed the slight blush rising in his cheeks and began roaring with laughter.

It had been calm for the most part in Camelot for the past few weeks, and to the knights that was as much a victory as coming out of a great battle as the victors. They felt it a genuine cause for celebration and had gone out to one of the local taverns, dragging Merlin out along with them. Even Leon, who was the very model of knightly propriety in and out of chainmail allowed himself to relax enough to let the mead soften his mind and mood. His bark of laughter was almost the loudest.

"Go on," Elyan grinned shamelessly, pushing on Merlin's abused shoulder, "don't keep the ladies waiting."

The knights, for all their teasing and slight drunkenness, were being totally serious. Ever since the group had gone into the tavern, Merlin had been attracting all sorts of admiring looks from the barmaid and several other young women, both those serving and being served. Although Merlin liked to complain in his snarky way about how the handsome prince – now king – got all the girls, he never seemed to notice how several servant girls in the castle and women out in the village would cast admiring glances after his tall form and relaxedly handsome face as he walked by. That admiration made it strange that Merlin never seemed to have a love life. Arthur had Gwen, Gwaine had several admirers with his forwardly flirtatious behavior (and just as many slaps from unflattered females), and even the other knights had been seen escorting or in light conversation with those of the fairer sex. Merlin had no one.

But maybe he was just oblivious.

In that case, it was the job of his brother knights (for although he was not technically a knight, they all considered him their brother) to help the oblivious man out.

Merlin very sagely crossed his eyes at Gwaine before returning his attention, although his previously cheerful expression suddenly seemed plastered on and his eyes had become very somber. Gwaine would later blame the alcohol for missing both of those as he further pushed the matter.

"How can you miss them?" Gwaine grinned, "That whole lot has been makin' sheep's eyes at you since we've been here." He pushed the younger man forward. "Go on, mate, how can you be so cruel to them?" The other knights chuckled good-naturedly and joined in urging Merlin forward with the waving of their tankards.

"I'm not interested." Merlin's words and posture were stiff, but the others didn't notice.

"Ah, come on…"

"Leave it, Gwaine."

"Just one, then," Gwaine continued obliviously, "come on, mate, you need a girl-"

"No!" Merlin thundered, slamming his tankard down onto the bar, the mead sloshing out of the tankard and all over the slightly sticky wood. If his friends hadn't been so shocked, they might have noticed the gold flash in his eyes, or that the mead had jettisoned from the tankard with more force than could be considered normal. As it was, all they noticed was how Merlin began breathing heavily, his grip so tight on the handle that his knuckles were white.

Then suddenly, it was over. Merlin released the handle as though it had burned him and backed away from the bar. He muttered an abrupt, "I'm sorry," although it was hard to see if he was apologizing to the knights or to the barmaid for the mess, and quickly dropped some coins on the bar before rushing out into the night.

The knights stared after him. Some of the girls who had been admiring the manservant began swooning about how tortured the handsome young man was. The knights got over their shock and sprinted to the door, nearly throwing their payment onto the bar in their haste.

They also nearly knocked over the king as they ran out the door.

"Have you seen Merlin?" Gwaine and Arthur asked at the same time, and the way they both drew back would have been comical if the situation hadn't been so serious.

"He just left." Gwaine said.

Arthur gave a frustrated snort. "The one time I can actually catch him at the tavern, he's gone." He was about to start a familiar rant about the apparent drinking problem of his servant, but the looks on his knight's faces stopped him. "What's the matter?"

"Merlin," Leon said calmly, "We think something's wrong."

Arthur looked around with his hunter's eyes and noticed the footsteps on the path leaving Camelot. "Let's go," he said in his most commanding voice, "He can't have gotten far."

As it turned out, Arthur was wrong. They had been walking for more than an hour before they had managed to get close enough to Merlin to hear his footfalls although they didn't catch a glimpse until they were a bit further away from the city. Merlin slipped from the path and passed quickly between the trees towards what appeared to be a large lake. Arthur stiffened with recognition, but the knights continued forward, although they hung back just behind the trees, watching as Merlin neared the edge of the lake.

Merlin sat down at the shore, his arms hugging around his chest for warmth although it was not cold. Unlike his other visits to the lake, he did not make an effort to touch the water, instead staring blankly over the surface of the lake for something none of the others could see.

The silence seemed to stretch out agonizingly, but then the silence was punctured by a sound that was much more painful to the eavesdroppers' ears. Sobbing.

Merlin's eyes appeared to be dry, but that did not diminish the intensity of the dry sobs that made his entire body shake. He hid his face in his hands in an attempt at comfort and at muffling the sound, but it appeared to not be accomplishing either goal. The knights stared at each other. They had never seen Merlin like that before.

They knew he had a compassionate heart, and would bear the grief and pain of others as though it were his own, but they didn't understand this. What had happened to make him like this? As they searched mentally for an answer, they all came to the same unsettling conclusion – they knew next to nothing about Merlin.

They knew he was brave and loyal, and that he would willingly lay down his life for Arthur and for them all. He cared about others almost to the point of insanity, and they all trusted that, as long as Arthur had him by his side, everything would turn out all right. But Merlin did not simply exist as a servant to Arthur or an ally to his friends – he had his own story, his own history and grievances. And it was upsetting that even those closest to him had no clue about it, beyond the love for his mother and the loss of his father.

Before the knights could come up with a plan, Gwaine stumbled forward, emboldened by spirits and a desire to make things right with the first true friend he'd ever had. Merlin jerked upward and spun around without getting up, his hands scrambling up to brush any remaining tears from his face. "Gwaine! I-"

Gwaine flopped down beside him, slinging an arm around his friend's shoulders. "What's the matter, mate? Why'd you run off like that?"

"I'm sorry," Merlin said weakly, looking down at the ground.

"Don't worry about that!" Gwaine barked, although he became more serious. "I just want to know what's wrong. Princess being a prat?"

Arthur made a snort of irritation but stifled it enough so that only the knights heard it, all trying desperately not to laugh at the look on their king's face. They all smiled genuinely as they heard Merlin laugh. "Nah."

"Then what is it?"

Merlin looked back out over the water. "It's…complicated.'

"Is it 'cause we were trying to find you a girl?" Merlin stiffened slightly and so Gwaine continued. "Why'd you mind? D'you already have a lady?" Merlin stiffened much more noticeably. "That's it, then!" Gwaine cried, "And shame on you for not introducing me earlier. When do I meet her?"

Merlin had wound their arms more tightly and his legs drew up against his chest. "You don't."

"Ah, c'mon," Gwaine slapped him on the back. "Why hide her from us?"

"She's dead."

The absolute deadness in his voice made everyone freeze, and Gwaine pulled his hand back in shock. "She…died."

"Yes." There was still a deadness in Merlin's eyes as he brought up his hand to furtively rub the bridge of his nose. "A few years ago."

The knights still in the trees looked dumbfounded at each other, and then at Arthur, the only one of them who would've known Merlin well enough back then. He looked as surprised as they did, and only managed a dazed shaking of the head. I've no idea, he mouthed at them.

"Was she very sick?" Gwaine asked quietly, trying to find a way not to blunder the conversation. "Did you meet her through Gaius?"

Merlin laughed to himself in his head. Sort of, but it would be too hard to explain. "She wasn't sick," he said honestly. Gwaine looked at him expectantly so he continued. "She was killed."

Gwaine's hand crept instinctively to the hilt of the sword at his waist. "Killed?" Merlin's eyes were squeezed shut and he nodded. Gwaine's eyes narrowed. "Who did it?" Gwaine growled.

It was proof of how much alcohol Merlin had drunk before running from the tavern that the answer slipped out without hesitation. "Arthur."

Gwaine's hand tightened around the sword handle. All three remaining knights spun around to stare at Arthur. Arthur's mouth had fallen open, and he stared dumbly ahead. Merlin's eyes opened at the sound of Gwaine's sword being slid from its scabbard and put out his hand to stop it, accidentally cutting his finger on the blade. He let out a gasp and immediately stuck the bleeding finger in his mouth. "Don't blame him, Gwaine," he replied, inspecting the finger for damage, "He didn't know."

Gwaine looked back, shooting daggers at his king, who continued to look shocked. "How could he not have known?"

Merlin sighed. "She was…cursed. Arthur did what he had to do, I guess." He let out a somewhat bitter laugh. "Doesn't make it any easier, though."

"Does he know now?"

Merlin let out another laugh, this one slightly less bitter. "That'd be a fine conversation, wouldn't it? 'Hey, Arthur. Remember that cursed girl you stabbed the other day? That was my girlfriend.'"

Realization finally dawned on Arthur's face.

"I buried her heare," Merlin said distractedly. "I've never loved another, and probably never shall." He rubbed his eyes furtively. "As pathetic as I guess that sounds."

All the wind was knocked out of Merlin as Gwaine crushed him into a hug. "You could never be pathetic. I'm sorry I was a prat."

"It's all right," Melrin smiled genuinely. Gwaine ruffled his hair and cuffed him on the unaffected shoulder.

Then the rest of the knights chose to rush in. "Ah, there you are, Merlin!" Leon exclaimed. "We were wondering where you'd run off to. Hello, Gwaine."

There was an impish glint in Merlin's eye that hinted he did not entirely buy Leon's act, but he said nothing about it. "Hello. I'm sorry about earlier."

"No harm done," Leon replied, "I'm sorry we upset you earlier. You know," he sat down beside Merlin, "you can talk to us. Whenever you want." He grabbed Merlin's shoulder and gripped it reassuringly.

"Thanks." Merlin smiled. "I know." He leaned forward and whispered. "And you can tell Arthur to come out. I saw him sneak behind a tree when you all walked out."

"You've been caught, sire!" Elyan laughed, and Arthur drew back slightly, still fully occupied in trying to get the ireallykilledmybestfriend'sloveandyethehasn'ttriedtokillmeireallyamaprat look off of his face. He managed to subdue it into a look of guilt and surprise before stepping out into the clearing.

The king walked forward, and the knights parted slightly to let him through, although Gwaine kept his arm slung around Merlin's shoulders. Arthur looked down at his friend's flushed face and bloodshot eyes and swallowed hard, searching desperately for the right words.

"Merlin, I…" I'm sorry to have done that to you? I wouldn't have done that if I'd known? If I could take it back…is this why you run around talking about love like a girl? How could you forgive me for what I've done?

He sat down beside his friend and forced him to look into his eyes. "I'm sorry."

In the end, there was really nothing more to be said.

Merlin gave a slight nod and managed a small smile before looking back over the lake.

"What was her name?" Percival asked quietly.

Merlin gave a small puff of laughter, and turned to the others, who, despite their empathetic sorrow, felt joy rise up within them at the light reentering his eyes. His smile was more genuine, although sad, and there was a warm look in his eyes as he looked at them.

"Freya."

A/N: And there you are. I hope that you liked it!

Thanks for reading and please review! They make me happy, and I like to know what people think so far!