Another Daddy!Barney story because I just love them so much! It's really going to focus around him and his daughters relationship, but I haven't really figured everything out.
I own nothing. Please review!
"Hey Barney," Lily smiled walking into my apartment with Marshall, "What's up?"
"Need help moving some things and shopping," I shrugging placing some books in a box.
Lily and Marshall both gave me confused looks and refused to move. I couldn't focus on them though. My head was pounding too much for me to truly care about anything else that was going on.
I had brought Zoë home about half an hour ago and until ten minutes ago I was holding her as she cried. I never wanted to hear that noise again. It was something that broke my heart.
How could someone so small make such a sad noise? No, that wasn't the question that I wanted answered. I wanted to know how I was supposed to help her get through this when I had no idea how I even felt.
Even in the little time that I had known her I found myself loving Zoë. She was my daughter and that was all I needed to know. But I still found myself wanting to turn around and just leave.
I wasn't ready to have a kid. I wasn't strong enough to have someone else put their life in my hands. That's what this felt like. I was completely responsible for another person. And I was doing it alone.
I had always had respect for my Mother. She had to raise James and I alone and she did an amazing job. Yeah, we had a couple of issues, but what people didn't? That wasn't on her.
I knew that it took work and a lot of it to raise one child let alone two when you had no one to help. How she did it is beyond me. Well, no, that's a lie. I know how and why she raised us.
She did it because she loved James and I. She wanted what was best for us. But what if… Was it possible that maybe what was best for Zoë was for me to put her up for adoption?
I wouldn't make a good Father. I knew that. Everyone knew that. I was being an idiot for even thinking that I could do this alone. I wasn't as strong as my Mother or as Jamie. I couldn't raise a child.
Still, I found myself packing up my apartment trying to make it a home for a child that would be better off far away from me. It would be better for everyone if Jamie had never found me.
Watching one parent die and having the other, that you've known for only a few days, wasn't something that any three year old should go through. No, it wasn't something anyone should go through.
It was for the best though. Wasn't it? Zoë would be so much happier if she was in a good home. I had to think of what was best for my daughter. I had to do the selfless for once in my life.
I just didn't want to do that. I wanted to be the selfish prick that everyone already knew me as. It wouldn't be all that hard for me to do. I wanted to keep my daughter with me.
I wanted to take care of her. To hold her when she was sad. To teach her everything that I knew. To watch her grow into a wonderful woman. To see the love in her eyes whenever she looked at me.
I wanted to be her Dad. I could…No, I couldn't do that. I couldn't hurt my daughter by having her stay with me. I had to find her a good home. A place where she'd always feel loved.
"Barney," a soft voice spoke as a hand brushed the tears from my cheek.
Blinking a few times I saw Lily standing in front of me with this look of confusion and sadness. I hadn't even noticed that I had started to cry. When was the last time I did that?
For a second let myself soak in the comfort that the redhead was trying to give me, but I couldn't do that for long. I didn't deserve the comfort. Anyway, right now wasn't about me. It was about Zoë.
Taking a deep breath I turned around so I couldn't see Marshall or Lily and tried to get my heard on straight. I don't want to know what I'd do if I didn't get my emotions under control.
It seemed like they didn't like that though because before I could take another breath I found myself spun around and pulled into a hug by Marshall. I stood there frozen for a moment before I found myself hugging back.
Behind me I could feel Lily's small hand rubbing up and down my back as Marshall held me tight. I never thought I'd find so much comfort in other people, but I had to admit, to myself only, that it helped.
"Want to tell us what's going on?" Lily spoke soothingly, "Where you've been for the past few days?"
"Zoë," I muttered pulling away from Marshall slightly.
"A girl? Barney, a girl doesn't affect you like this."
"No, Lil. Zoë isn't some girl that I met in a bar or a club. Zoë is…She's my daughter."
Lily's hand froze for a second. I thought that she was going to pull away from me fully. That she was going to tell me how stupid and irresponsible I was. Then I found myself being forced to look in her eyes.
I knew that she was trying to tell if I was lying or not. She must have gotten her answer because I was being pulled into her arms for another hug. This was the most hugs I'd gotten in one day.
Pulling away from a moment later I motioned for them to follow me and started back to my room. I didn't have anything for Zoë set up yet so after she cried herself back to sleep I had put her in my bed.
I watched from the doorway as the couple moved quietly so they could see her. Both had sad smiles on their faces when they turned back to me and without looking I knew that Zoë still looked as sad as she did when she was awake.
After a few moments of them simply looking at her they left for the living room, but I found myself still standing there. I wanted to remember all the little things like this before I gave her away.
Taking a deep breath I turned around and went into the kitchen starting to open different drawers. It took a moment but I found the phone book. Another deep breath and I was looking for the number I needed.
"Calling some movers to help?" Marshall questioned placing a stack of books in a box.
"No," I shook my head, "I'm calling an adoption agency."
"Okay…Wait…An adoption agency? Why?"
"Come on, you're not stupid, Marshall. Me raising my daughter would be the biggest mistake of my life. We all know I'd mess her up before she even started. I know what girls are like when they have 'Daddy Issues'. I'm not going to let my daughter become one of them."
"And leaving her is your genius plan?
"Do you have anything better?"
"Yes, you raise her. You moved your porn collection, Barney. You already love her."
"Of course I love her. That isn't enough."
"You love her and you have the means to take care of her. How is that not enough?"
Turning away from them I started to pull my cell phone out of my pocket only to have a hand pull it away from me. My jaw clenched tightly as I turned to the taller man and saw him glaring at me.
How was he not seeing how badly this was going to end? He knew me. He knew that I would end up hurting Zoë if I raised her. No matter how much it hurt I had to do this for her.
"Give me the phone, Marshall," I said calmly.
"No," Marshall glared, "Not until you tell me what is going on in that head of yours."
"I told you. I'll mess her up."
"She's not food, Barney. You don't mess up and then throw everything away. Parents always screw up their kids in some way it's just how it is. You mess up, you fix it. That's how it works."
"It's not right for me to do that."
"And it's right for you to just leave?"
"I'm doing this because I love her."
Marshall opened his mouth to say something, but a hand placed on his chest stopped him. I watched Lily take the phone from Marshall's hand and make her way over until she was standing in front of me.
"Barney, please don't lie to yourself. You're doing this because you're scared," Lily sighed, "And I get that. It's terrifying to have to take care of another being. If you want to put her up for adoption we won't stop you. But don't do it just because you're scared."
"I can't do it alone," I whispered.
"You won't. Marshall and I will help and I'm sure Ted and Robin will as well. And what about your Mother and James? They'll be thrilled to know you have a daughter. It'll be fine."
"How do you know?"
"Because you're Barney. And you're awesome. Now, come on. We have a lot to pack up and I doubt Zoë will be asleep for much longer. Do you think she'll want pizza or Chinese more?"