Top of the Tree

VIII

I've decided not to ponder on useless "what ifs".

It's a waste of time and a complete let down.

Starting on a thought—an innocent one, at that—'what if I had chocolate ice-cream instead of vanilla,' all of a sudden turns into 'what if I hadn't been born into the Sarutobi clan?'

That'd certainly solve my hopeless daddy issues.

I'm not going to lie: I'm jealous.

Unfortunately, however, I have these disgusting feelings towards something completely abstract.

I wanted the attention that my father only spared for the village, his job.

I couldn't understand why he was so passionate towards a village—literally a mass of buildings. I suppose you're thinking: "it's the people inside said village that matters", but really that's just a bunch of cheesy bullshit. I didn't join the army in my first life due to patriotism. Hell, I honestly joined because I was bored and had nothing to do with my life, so I thought, "Hey, why don't I join the army? That'll certainly help me pay my college loans". Human beings are selfish little creatures that only have one thought in their minds: survival. If anyone tells you differently, you know, right off the bat, said person is lying.

Now, I don't hate Konoha. It is, after all, my home and I've grown fond of it throughout the years. I may dislike it mildly because of my bitterness, but I don't hate it. So don't start thinking that I'll abandon the village and become a missing-nin because it's not going to happen, at least I think it won't. But I can't foretell what the future holds, for all I know, I'll become the next Hokage (though truthfully I have no intention of doing so). Besides, I was still an academy student.

Like any other afternoon I was in our backyard (which, by the way, was pretty big) training. I had started off with a few warm ups, and continued to test my weaponry on the targets by the tree line.

Swish. Swish. Thud. Swish. Thud.

I heard a slam from the house, notifying the arrival of someone into the yard (though, technically, I'd felt the person's presence before their appearance). I paused and looked in said direction to find that Hiro had just arrived from his weeklong C-rank mission. He gave me a carefree smile and approached my heavily breathing form. Without thinking, I ran to his own moving self and attacked him with a hug, tackling him to the floor.

It'd been hard for me to get used to his extended absences. Unintentionally I would sit in a corner and brood for hours a day, missing his presence. Hell, even Mom noticed my moping self and worried. Hiro was my rock, and I missed my rock's company.

"When did you get back?" I asked with a grand smile stretched across my face.

"Just now," he said with an easygoing half-smile.

He brushed his shoulder length hair behind his ear; his forehead protector was hanging proudly across his brow. I had this annoying urge to rip it off his head and throw it into the distance, but folded up the thought and swallowed it.

"You training?" he asked, motioning his head towards the abused targets.

"Yeah," I muttered, a little embarrassed, seeing that only half of the kunai hit their targets.

"Not bad," Hiro commented.

I scoffed. Yeah right.

The twelve-year-old pulled out a kunai from his pouch. He aimed and threw the knife. The object made a sharp swish, cutting through air, and hit the dead center of the bull's eye with a thud.

No doubt my eyes were glimmering with admiration.

Against my will, of course.

"It's all in the wrist," he said, taking out another kunai and offering it to me.

I stared at it warily before wrapping my skinny hand around it. Hiro motioned me to throw the kunai. There was a swish but instead of a thud, was the shifting of leaves. My form shrank in disappointment. I'd missed.

Instead of laughing at my incompetence, however, Hiro simply took another kunai out and placed it in my hand, though he didn't let go. He placed my hand in a throwing position and made a throwing motion, using his other hand to flex my wrist. And he let go. And I threw.

Swish. Thud.

Ginormous Smile.

Hiro ruffled my hair, "now that's how it's done".

I felt a spike of chakra behind me—it felt like a feather brushing against my skin making me involuntary shiver, raising goosebumps across my arms.

There was the slam of the door and little footsteps crumpling the grass beneath little feet, running towards us.

"Ni-san!" yelled an overexcited Asuma, "you're back!"

Asuma, too, tackled Hiro to the ground.

He asked what we were doing, and went on to beg us to teach him (how to throw sharp objects). I was apprehensive. I didn't touch a real kunai until I started at the academy, and even then they were blunt, so in all honesty, the same should be done for Asuma (who was four, and had yet to start on the road to ninja-dom). Thankfully Hiro had the same idea, and refused to put his youngest sibling in danger.

There was certainly a lot of whining and foot stomping. Hiro turned to me a bit peeved, and almost in tune, we rolled our eyes. So what if we'd spoiled Asuma a little? I won't deny it, his attitude was most likely my fault; I couldn't resist his pouting face. Hiro, though, having learned with my own puppy eyes, had become more resistant to the cuteness.

Blatantly ignoring Asuma, Hiro turned to me, "Isn't the graduation exam next month?"

I paled and muttered reluctantly, "yeah,"

Being the ever observant brother, Hiro noticed my reaction and raised a brow, "Why the face?"

I paused.

"I don't want to die,"

"You won't"

I looked at him, feeling slightly enraged that he'd lie to me.

"You don't know that,"

"Yeah I do,"

I almost shouted, "No, you don't".

"We're at war, Hiro! Anyone can die at any second, you and I included. That's what it means to be a ninja: to kill and to die! I'm going to die, you're going to die, Mom and Dad are going to die, and so will Asuma! And I guarantee it'll be in the line of duty".

There was an incredibly suffocating silence. Asuma had ended his tantrum and was looking at me with wide eyes, much like Hiro. They'd never seen me make such a scene; I was usually silent and composed. They didn't know I was so pessimistic, that I viewed ninja in such a way. They didn't really know me at all.

I walked up to the target by the trees and pulled out the kunai, ignoring completely the boys.

My hands were shaking.

"I'm not ready to die," I whispered to myself. Not again.

I couldn't face them.

I heard Mom call us for dinner, but ignored and continued my task. Two chakra signatures, instead of getting further away from me, only got closer. I was crouched when I felt two pairs of arms wrap around me in a hug. I didn't turn around, nor did I tense. I just stared at the floor, willing my tears not to slide down my face.

I got up from my crouched position and headed towards the house, leaving my brothers behind.

Stepping into the building, Mom shot me a questioning look, but I just ignored it, mumbling that I wasn't hungry and was going to sleep early.

Of course, I didn't sleep at all that night.

One of my many flaws is my inability to move on; to walk it off. I tended to sulk endlessly, hold grudges, and live some event over and over again. I wouldn't turn my back and walk forward, because invisible, unmoving hands were holding me back. And they never let go.

It's the reason why I spent the next few weeks sulking.

It was lunchtime at the academy and I was sitting on a bench eating the food Mom prepared for me in my bento box. Shizune was home with the flu, so I was eating alone. I was dejected and alone.

A group of idiot boys came up to me with sneers smacked on their faces. I faced them warily, but refused to move a muscle.

The leader of the group, a big-nosed snot started talking, "Why so sad, princess? Did mommy forget to brush your pretty hair this morning?"

I snorted, if that's how he wanted to rile me up, he was doing it wrong (I mean, I didn't really care to brush my hair ever, so why that comment now, anyway?), "Aw, you think my hair's pretty?"

The boys behind said leader snickered.

"Shut up! You think you're the best at everything, with your nose in the clouds!" he shouted, "no one likes you! Not even your daddy,"

He was probably right, but even so, I punched him in the face.

It's not that was angry with what the kid said. I couldn't care less, but I felt like I should let out all of the rage I had bottled up inside of me, resulting in a big bloody nosed kid. Man, it felt good.

Surprised by my rashness, no one moved for what felt for hours, but was probably only a few seconds.

Then there was some sort of war cry, not an epic one like, "this is Sparta!" but a pathetic boyish screech, which had I been in another situation, I would have laughed out loud.

Feet shuffled.

Two brats attacked me, on each side, trying to punch my stomach. I pulled one of their hands and shoved him in the direction of the other and they lost their balance and fell on the floor. Another one stepped forward, but I didn't give him the chance to throw a punch. I kicked him in the balls and he crumbled to the floor.

The leader of the little gang got up with his busted nose and tripped forward. My foot hit the bench behind, and my attention was diverted. Next thing I knew, I felt a splitting pain around my eye. The sonofabitch punched me!

I let out a chuckle, in disbelief.

The boys shrank in fear.

They were so going to get it.

I let out my own epic war cry and attacked.

Punch—kick—kick—groan in pain—slap—slap—elbow—punch—punch—bite.

I arrived home that night sporting black eye and a proud smile.

I never felt like such a kid.

At dinner, my parents kept glancing at me worriedly, wondering if I'd explode on them too. Apparently my teacher caught wind of what happened and told my parents (which honestly doesn't make sense, seeing that the academy promoted violence). I ignored their wary looks and continued eating.

Hiro nudged me, "Nice eye,"

I smirked, and my parents shot a disapproving look at him.

"Kozue, why did you attack those kids?" Hiruzen asked.

"They provoked me." I shrugged.

"Is that even possible?" asked Hiro, more jokingly that anything.

"Obviously,"

I could tell my parents were at loss as to what to say. Hiro seemed a little amused at my attitude. He was the one who always showed defiance towards the 'norm'. Ironically, most of the time he was the one fighting with my father about his ideals and what not. I usually kept to myself, believing that I was 'too young' to understand such matters. And Asuma, like always, was confused as to why his 'nee-chan' was so angry for no apparent reason (seeing that all he ever wanted to do was be a ninja and 'fight bad guys').

My parents were gaping, Hiro was observing me carefully with a poker face but there was laughter hidden in his eyes, and Asuma simply blinked in puzzlement with his wide brown eyes.

I laughed inwardly. Their reaction was amusing.

"I've heard that you don't want to be a ninja," Mom started.

I tensed. Now that was a complicated subject, especially in Hiruzen's presence. Damn that tattle tail Hiro.

"What of it?"

"Well, do you want to continue going to the academy?"

I masked my face with mock surprise, "I have a choice?"

There was a pregnant pause. Everyone was looking at me as if I had grown a second head. Never had I been so rebellious, or so they think. I didn't usually talk back to my parents.

"Of course, honey," Mom answered, recovering from the shock first.

"Really? I was under the impression that I had to keep up appearances,"

No one denied it.

My stomach churned.

"I'm finished. Can I go to my room?" I left without giving my parents the room for an answer.

As I passed Hiruzen, I didn't miss the calculating look my father had as he followed my form out of the room with his eyes.

I had no intention of not becoming a ninja. To survive in this strange world I had to learn to protect myself, even if it meant giving myself to the system; to protect something I didn't believe in. Hiruzen knew I was going to be a problem. I wanted to know if he'd have the guts for make that problem go away.

Too bad Hiruzen doesn't know how much of a problem I could be if I tried.

PHEW! That was one hard motherfucker of a chapter! I've been trying to write this for the better part of the month! Seeing that I try to update monthly, and this month is ending, I almost missed my due date!

Have I ever mentioned how much I love you guys? No? Well then, let's fix that.

I LOVE YOU ALL!

Thank you so much for the countless faves, follows and reviews! You have no idea how much they helped me get past this difficult chapter.

Finally Kozue stops her passive aggressive act! I had so much fun writing her blow up countless of times, and the sarcasm (squeal)!

I'm sorry guys, I'm just so happy because I just read the latest chapter in the manga, and I almost burst in tears in the last page! Team seven reunited!

Anyways, I hope you guys remember that I love your comments and faves and follows, so please let them continue!

Next chapter, graduation exams!

Sorry for the excessive exclamation points,

CupcakeLoopy

P.S. If you're interested, there's a link to the drawings of Kozue as a child and as a teen on my profile page.