Secrets Still
Chapter Four – A Whisper on the Wind
A/N – Thanks to dawnkind for making me clarify Logan's position in this story which is why the delay. Also thanks to 'guest', who is probably no longer reading this, I'm sorry the story feels disorganized. I was going for a story that was not quite lineal but more like bits and pieces here and there, somewhat like Secrets and I know that's not everyone's cup of tea. But I appreciate the feedback so thank you.
-xox-
Ororo's and Logan's hands instinctively linked as they started back to the school but as they approached Ororo's greenhouse her hand slipped from his. She faded, becoming mist drifting towards the decrepit building and then she was gone. Again. He cursed under his breath not sure if she was gone for a moment or forever. He fumbled with his keys, not knowing whether he should give her some time to accept the changes or barge in. He'd tried to keep the students on top of things for awhile, what few students they'd managed to gather to protect and teach, but they'd been flying by the seat of their pants having no real time or talent for growing things and eventually he had given up. He hoped she wouldn't be too disappointed at the sheer disarray of her beloved greenhouse.
After what felt like hours but was really only a few minutes there was still no sign of her and he began to panic. Maybe she wasn't coming back! Maybe seeing the greenhouse made her realize just how long she'd been dead. He felt as if she were as fragile as the wisp of wind she seemed to turn into without thought.
She wasn't inside. Only dusty pots and tools, a dirty sink and rust covered benches peeking out here and there where the grass and weeds had yet to override. He noticed a window, broken and half raised, and he sighed. He should have watched over it better. A fierce wind blew in, cold enough to cause him to shiver. But when he walked to the back to close it there was no wind coming from the window and his fear turned to hope.
"Ororo?" he called.
Dust swirled, cobwebs danced and suddenly she appeared.
"Damn. It's gonna take time ta get used to that!" he exclaimed.
"What happened here?" she asked.
"I – we couldn't keep it the way you had, Ro so we decided to lock it up."
Her slow nod matched her woeful expression.
"Has it been so long?"
He wanted to protect her and he instinctively pulled her close and held onto her tight. He had no way of making sense of any of this but his embrace was something tangible for her and for him as well. They needed that, something solid, something they could both understand after all this time.
"Don't let me go," she breathed.
The need in her voice startled him. Ororo of old was strong, independent, and she never gave voice to emotional needs like this. Her touch, her look, had always been self assured, she had never once verbalized such a need. Had her 'death' changed her so much then?
The sound of footsteps on the path made them both jump.
"Who's in here?" Jean called.
"It's us – me and Ro," Logan replied but even as he spoke Ororo disappeared in his arms.
"Logan?" Jean came up to him looking around curiously. "I was just going in and saw the door was open, what are you doing?"
"We – she was just here."
"She?"
"Ororo."
"Ororo?"
"Yeah."
"Oh." She flashed a tight smile before retracing her steps and Logan didn't call her back. She hadn't understood, that was clear, but how to explain everything he didn't know.
"Ro?" he called and prayed she'd reappear.
It was no longer cold in the greenhouse but warm, a gentle wind blowing. He leaned into the breeze feeling something he hadn't felt since Ororo had died – contentment.
-xox-
Seeing Logan like that, seemingly lost in a world of his own was something Jean had never gotten used to. She had tried to make their marriage work but sometimes it felt as if Ororo were in bed with them. Lord knew she and Ororo had been closer than sisters but when Logan had fallen for Ororo and she'd discovered she was pregnant Jean had made sure the situation was controlled. There were regrets of course, she hadn't wanted to kill Ororo but she justified her actions to herself. It had been a crime of passion. Logan flaunting his love for Ororo right in her face, in front of everyone like that – how was she supposed to react? Knowing Logan still thought of Ororo even now angered her. She wished he would put the past in the past where it belonged and let them live their lives.
That was exactly what she'd done. To have clung to the memory of Scott would have killed her. But then she had more experience in these matters. Scott hadn't died just once. In fact, even now she held a tiny smidgen of hope that he would magically appear before her. But their link had been severed and so strongly and so severely that she knew he would never return. How to make Logan realize this about Ororo?
"Jean."
She turned at the sound of her name – saw nothing. The voice was slightly familiar but faint enough to cause her to doubt, just a whisper on the wind. She obviously needed some coffee.
"Jean."
There it was again. Soft, moaning, like wind in a tunnel. One of the children had to be playing a joke.
"Mmm," she sighed after the first taste of the strong coffee she'd brewed. It was just what she'd needed.
"Jean."
Jean screamed, her coffee cup crashed to the floor and shattered, the hot liquid splattering all over her pants.
"No! You can't be alive!" she cried. "You were dead! I killed you that day! I willed you to die! It wasn't my fault, I didn't want to, but you . . . you deserved it!"
There was no response and truly Jean thought she was seeing a ghost for before her was a woman whom she'd killed over a year ago. Or at least she looked like her old friend except – except she wasn't real. Her skin was transparent, fading back and forth into mist and then she was gone.
-xox-
Cigar smoke was always a dead give away to Logan's whereabouts. The smoke was whirling upwards, the stench galling yet reassuring. Logan was at the lake and Ororo settled down beside him, sending the noxious fumes off on a gentle breeze.
"So have you and Jean made up?" she asked, a smile playing over her face because the sight of Logan, cigar or no, made her so very happy.
"No," he replied, thankful she was back.
Blunt and to the point. Had it been anyone else they would have taken that as a clear sign to go away but Ororo merely laughed her quiet laugh and placed a hand over his one free hand. He stubbed out the cigar and pocketed it then covered her hand, still stunned to see her alive, to feel her flesh against his. How was he supposed to not want this woman?
Jean had searched him out earlier claiming to have seen Ororo, demanding to know why he hadn't told her, accusing him of seeing Ororo behind her back. It had been a long, ugly argument with accusations that were so true he'd felt she'd read his mind, an unforgivable act, something she had promised never to do again when she'd laid down her rules when their daughter was born. He had walked out, gone to the lake, tried to calm down.
Ororo was still finding it hard to fully materialize beside Logan. Jean's earlier confession had rocked her. She'd been shocked at first, couldn't believe that Jean had tried to kill her. She'd refused to believe it. Could Jean hate her that much? Her emotions were in such turmoil she hadn't been able to maintain her corporeal form. To stay human required a lot of concentration and her anger and guilt and sadness had drained her. Still, it had been Logan's pain that had drawn her to the boathouse and as spirit and air she had overheard their argument.
Not willing to eavesdrop yet held there by the vehement emotions and the revelations – Jean accusing him of adultery, Logan's anger sharp and vicious as he accused her of murdering Ororo and their daughter, saying she should have been with the little girl when they'd been attacked. Ororo was boggled. They'd had a child? But then Hank had come in, stepping between them, urging them to take a few minutes to calm down and only when he began questioning them about Ororo did she, her presence, her soul? – drift away.
None of them were sure how she'd come to be again. Hank had ideas but without contact with Ororo he could only speculate. That she had appeared to Jean made him believe she would eventually appear to them all in some form they could relate to but he could only wait. They all waited.
Something called to Ororo. If asked to describe it she would say it was longing. An emptiness, a need unfulfilled, something lodged deep within Logan drew her. Years had felt like seconds to her and seconds like years. She could appear any where she chose in a heartbeat but she'd had no physicality. But always this longing within Logan drew her back. She had tried so hard to become flesh again, for him, but it was of no use now if he and Jean were still together.
"Jean is sorry, surely you know that. She did not know what to think when I appeared out of – out of nothing I suppose."
"She never thinks, just jumps to conclusions," Logan said, wondering how Ororo knew they'd had a fight. She looked vaguely amused which irritated him yet he knew she meant well which nearly negated the irritation.
"You cannot expect me to stand by and watch something so minor destroy your happiness."
"Happiness?" Logan asked, his eyes narrowed, his brows furrowed, and he was suddenly furious.
"Of course," Ororo said though his look took her aback slightly. "You always wanted Jean and she obviously would kill to keep you . . ."
"You mean as long as Scotty's stayin' dead she wants me."
Ororo had been startled when she had heard those exact words from Logan earlier when they'd argued.
"Scott's dead, that's the only reason you're with me, that an' keepin' up your perfect image!" he'd shouted. And Jean had laughed, called him half the man Scott was. To Ororo's surprise Logan had responded brutally, "And you wonder why I don't want to fuck you" before he'd walked away.
Ororo was totally confused but she knew now was not the time to question Logan. She wanted to ease his pain, to make things right not make them worse for she accepted some part in their quarrel.
"You say that as if it is her fault that Scott's death was the only way she could be with you, Logan but so what if it was? You are no child. She loved Scott very much. You knew that. She chose to move on and you were her choice. You should be happy."
He was surprised at the anger in her voice. Surprised that she seemed to have forgotten that she'd told him she loved him just that morning. He saw he'd made a mistake, that he should have told her everything right from the start. It was obvious Jean had told her they were still together.
"Did you not love Mariko as she loved Scott; with a love that would have lasted forever had she lived?"
Was that resentment he detected in her voice?
"M'iko's been dead a long time," he said.
"And so has Scott."
"Drop in the bucket compared to M'iko."
"You have to be right in this matter don't you?"
As she stood he caught his breath and bit back another retort. He didn't want her to go, to vanish.
"Look, Ororo, It's only been a few months since our little girl died. Maybe I shoulda divorced her the next day but truth is that just wasn't on my mind. We weren't together but we're still married, probably outta habit more 'n anything but I am divorcing her ass, she's got nothin' ta hold over my head this time. But I won't lie, I wish she did have something if it meant my baby girl could still be alive. She isn't though, she ain't comin' back like you or Scott." His voice choked.
Ororo's anger cooled.
"I stay at my cabin an' Jean's at the boathouse," Logan continued. "She took the kid's death hard, maybe harder 'n me. I blamed her. She was here when they attacked, I wasn't. I know I shouldn't blame her but our baby shoulda been her priority. Deep down I know it's not her fault an' all this, the crap with her, it's really all my fault. If I'd just been stronger an' left you alone an' if I'd just tried to get along with her an' stayed home instead of always goin' off somewhere maybe my little girl would still be here. I might as well have killed her for not being here just like it's my fault you died."
"That's not true, Logan and you know it. We all made mistakes, Jean will pay for hers rest assured, but you, Logan, the Logan I remember is a bigger man than this. I expect more from you than this pouting 'woe is me' attitude of yours. I am truly sorry for your loss but you are still married to her, habit or not, and I am utterly disappointed in you for if you've chosen to remain with her then your behavior is abominable."
Her words were bitter and cut deep. He tried to find words, found none, but she was already gone, only a whisper of her scent left, clean and fresh like dew and sunshine.
He waited a long time for her to come back, scared that she wouldn't. Everything was turned upside down now. With her death he'd found life with the birth of his child. With the death of his child he'd slowly been dying but now with Ororo's rebirth he too had a chance at rebirth. If she would only stay. If she could get over her anger and if she would only let him leave Jean and be with her. Would she?
He reluctantly headed to the boathouse not knowing what would happen just knowing he had to end things with Jean because life with her had been a slow death despite their beautiful little girl. He had hated living in the boathouse. It was where Scott and Jean had lived. But Jean had thought it was a wonderful surprise for him, fixing the place up in rustic patterns and furniture. It hadn't been. He had been perfectly content living in his cabin. Newlyweds for only two months when she redid the boathouse she'd already started taking over his life. That wasn't what he'd expected, it wasn't what he'd wanted.
Once upon a time he would have gladly moved into Mariko's home and lived her life but she had been with no other man. How Jean could think he would want to live in the same place Scott had made love to her he couldn't understand. He didn't want to try to understand because anyone with common sense would have known how inappropriate it was to expect such a thing of him. Anyone but Jean, the woman he'd thought was the woman of his dreams when he'd first met her.
It was depressing, facing Jean to tell her what? He was leaving her for a ghost? Would Ororo even come back? She said she'd come back for him. Would she stay now that she knew about him and Jean? Would she balk at the thought of him divorcing Jean like she had before? Would she let them have a life together? Was he wrong to want a life with Ororo? Yes he was wrong to have not seen it was Ororo that he loved all along but he'd been blind. He was just a man, not perfect, not even as honor bound as he would like. Could Ororo accept that? Would she come back? It was this thought that kept coming back to him. And what if she didn't come back? What then?
Making his way to the boathouse, lost in these thoughts, he was surprised there was a trace of Ororo's faint but unique scent. He'd noticed when she vanished it was without trace as if she'd never existed but this new change made him wonder if she was becoming more and more the real flesh and blood Ororo he'd held in his arms and kissed. He wanted that but was beginning to feel it wasn't going to happen. Ororo would do the honorable thing like before and bow out. He knew her too well to expect otherwise.
When he arrived at the boathouse he was no longer feeling the welter of emotions that had been with him since Ororo appeared that morning. He whistled quietly, relaxed, as if a burden had been lifted from his heart. Come what may it was over between him and Jean.
"Logan . . ." Jean stopped when she saw he wasn't going to look at her and guessed he wasn't speaking to her either. She panicked – had Ororo confirmed what she'd done?
"I'm packin' up the things you put in the attic that weren't nice enough for your little dream house," he said, pausing to gauge her reaction.
Her sudden surge of fear surprised him. But he didn't care about anything Jean did or felt now. His mind was made up just as it had been the day Ororo had died. But remembering that day, what Jean had done, would she try something like that again? Unsure and afraid for Ororo suddenly he started up the stairs. He needed time to plan, to make sure Ororo would be safe.
"What was that about?" Jean asked herself after Logan was gone.
"I wonder too," Ororo confessed as she materialized.
"Ororo! Why are you doing this? Why are you here? Why can't you leave me the hell alone?" Jean wailed, involuntarily taking a few steps back.
"I suppose I should leave you both alone," Ororo spoke calmly.
"Oh, don't worry about Logan and me! We might have a few hiccups but we're fine. Besides, making up is so much fun and let me tell you, Ro he wasn't kidding when he said he was the best he is at what he does. But you'll never know will you?"
Ororo saw that Jean was desperate and she couldn't help but smile.
"Jean, Logan and I were lovers long before he married you. I would have thought you were aware of that."
"You're lying! Logan loved me before you started chasing him!"
"I've no reason to lie. What Logan and I had was . . . fleeting perhaps, passionate, unnameable but it was very real. I suspect neither of us realized how real it was. Not until it was too late unfortunately. I am sorry for that, Jean. Neither he nor I meant to hurt you."
"Well you see I'm still married to him and you – you're nothing – nothing at all, just a . . . just a ghost of what you were . . . some insignificant, malevolent spirit that I swear I will nullify if you try anything with my husband."
"You tried to kill me once and I am still here. I am . . . different now. You will not be able to kill me a second time, Jean. But I, I can kill you."
Jean took another step back as a loud clap of thunder seemed to shake the house. And then she began to choke. The room was very still and very cold as Ororo deftly withdrew all air from the room. But before Ororo could act further Jean lashed back with her telekinesis and telepathy. Only she found there was nothing to latch hold of. Just as suddenly the room returned to normal and Jean gratefully gasped in air. She should have been afraid knowing that she was being toyed with, that she was no match for this new Ororo, that she was going to die but she also knew she deserved to die.
"What are you waiting for? Just kill me," Jean said and closed her eyes, accepting her fate.
Ororo did not speak. She was remembering a time, a long ago Christmas, when Logan was unsure of just what it was he was best at, and she was leaving the team asking him to remain. They had slipped away from the others, made love – actually made love. She'd been shaken by the depth of feeling. But afterward all they had to show for it was a still, a snapshot. She'd kept that picture for a long time, her arms wrapped around him as he stood in front of her, silly Santa caps snug on their heads. It was a time when they both were just beginning to realize there was something between them but they'd never acknowledged it, not then, not even when he'd come to her when she was at death's door.
She loved Logan but he had married a fantasy. Was he capable of truly leaving Jean? Would killing Jean remove those old feelings or would her death elevate his feelings for her? She saw that if she gave in to her desire for revenge that Jean would be a ghost between them, like she was between Logan and Jean. And how could anyone be happy if there was always the ghost of your lost love still in your heart? And that was her answer.
"You're . . . you're not going to kill me are you, Ororo?" Jean spoke quietly. "I-I'd forgotten how good you were. Maybe I forgot that when I stopped being good. I should be sorry for what I did to you. I really should but you were trying to steal my husband. I was pregnant and you had Kurt, I know he was falling for you – you could have chosen him but instead you went after Logan. You knew he'd loved me from day one. You knew that. We were married and you blatantly threw your relationship in my face."
"No. No, Jean I never tried to steal Logan nor did I attempt to flaunt our attraction. I tried to send him back to you. It is not always easy to give up what you want most in the world. I was . . . weak. But we never betrayed you as you believe. Yes we should have stopped seeing each other when we saw what we had was more than friendship. I told him I would have no part in a divorce, that I would have nothing to do with him.
"I never wanted to hurt you. And yet you tried your best to kill me. I should be dead, as dead as I feel you should be. Who are you to decide who lives or dies? And yet I would seek to do the very same thing. I once loved you, Jean, as a sister, a friend, a team mate. I am sorry for the part I have played in turning you into someone I no longer recognize. I will not kill you, I release you instead."
"Release me? Release me from what? My guilt? My horrible life since you ruined it? My husband? Release me? What right have you to meddle in my life? You're nothing, I can't even sense anything from you, no brain waves, nothing! You might as well be dead. Logan can't love a ghost," Jean shouted.
"I am not a ghost although I may not be of flesh and blood always," Ororo said. "Can you not just be thankful? I was going to kill you, Jean. But I will not. Perhaps what you did to me has been a blessing for I now know that I can wait for Logan as he will wait for me. Another year, a decade, centuries, eons, I will be here when he is free.
"I know he loves me and not you. He is outside this room even now, trying to get in but I have . . . I have taken us out of time for time has no meaning to me. He is afraid. Logan, the man who seldom knows fear, believes you will kill me as you tried before. I believe he would leave you but for that fear."
"Logan, help me!" Jean cried out but there was no response. "Oh, what do you want? Why can't you go back . . .?" Jean's words died on her tongue as she thought of the afterlife and immediately thought of Scott. "Tell me, were you alone?" she suddenly demanded.
"Alone?"
"You wouldn't be in the white hot room – where were you? Do you remember anything?"
"I was . . . everywhere," Ororo murmured.
"Did you see anyone else?"
She means Scott, Ororo thought as she realized her friend was hoping Scott was somehow still alive.
"Did you see Scott? Is he there? Was he with you? Can you talk to him, tell him to come back? Please tell me! You owe me that much! No, don't go! Don't leave without telling me about Scott! Please!"
Ororo was appalled. And bitter. She fought for control and mist turned again into bones and sinew, rain and snow and she smiled at the woman who had killed her.
"Scott and I are together, Jean. Where we are, we are a couple. He loves me. And now you can let him go as he has let you go, as I have let Logan go. I will take good care of Scott. He's happy with me." Ororo smiled at her lie giving Jean no time to question or act, she simply disappeared.
When Logan had heard thunder, he'd raced back downstairs fearing for Ororo's life. He'd heard her voice, caught her scent, but the door wouldn't budge. He'd banged on it, tried knocking it down, tried cutting it down but it was as if it were there but not there, somehow suspended in some other dimension. He'd gone outside, tried the windows, the walls but nothing moved under his efforts.
When he'd heard a scream he immediately realized it wasn't Ororo. Shortly afterward he thought Jean must have thrown something with her telekinesis but what he'd actually heard was her body falling to the floor as she collapsed. And when the door knob turned under his hand and the door opened he saw Jean curled in the fetal position and sobbing in true misery. Relief flooded over him. Ororo was alive then which meant Jean had no power over her. He shut the door and went in search of Ororo. He didn't know that a guilt ridden Ororo had sought out Hank who nearly fainted from shock and excitement at the sight of her.
-xox-
"What are we going to do about the ghost in our marriage?" Jean asked the next day when Logan finally answered his door. After a long, fruitless wait the night before he'd finally fallen asleep on the dew covered grass. And at dawn he had finally gone back to his cabin.
"If you're talking about Ororo why don't ya just say so?"
"I loved her, Logan, like a sister, but you betrayed me with her!" Her words were laced with fury but Logan made no reply. "Do you still want her?"
"You already know that, didn't you read my mind?"
"I did not, I wouldn't! You know I wouldn't, not any more. I thought we were okay, that you'd stopped thinking about her."
"Like you've stopped thinkin' about Slim?"
She pressed her lips together, anger flushing her face.
"That's different. Scott was my first love, my first husband!"
"Then what makes you think there's a ghost between us? Guilty conscious?"
"Guilty? Why should I feel guilty when I've loved Scott almost from the moment I saw him? But you – what are you thinking? You never tell me when I ask . . ."
"Why should I? If you can't figure it out by now then it's none of your business and if it was important you'd already know an' you'd lie just like you did about killin' Ro."
"But I don't know what's going on with you! I haven't read your mind. I've stuck to our bargain. But you've been seeing Ororo behind my back. You couldn't even be man enough to just come out and tell me the truth. You act as if ever since you told me – no, even before you told me about Ororo – you've been angry all the time. We hardly even had sex before all this and if it weren't for in vitro before you changed I would never have gotten pregnant!"
"You want sex is that it?"
"Yes. No. Yes, of course but – oh, you know what I mean!"
He moved away from the door, sat down on a beaten up couch but when she sat down beside him he got up.
"We should never have gotten married, never done that in vitro stuff, an' never stayed married after . . . Well, you know it and I know it."
"I don't. You don't either, Logan! We were in . . ."
"What? You were gonna say we were in love but ya couldn't. Because you know we weren't. We were trying too hard. I had all these expectations, thought you were perfect but you're just a typical woman, nothing wrong with that, but you're not my kind of woman. You're too needy, too jealous. I messed up with Ro, all those years I wasted . . ."
"You want to be with her."
His gaze held hers, steady and determined, blue eyes full of emotion she had never seen in them before.
"And I'm supposed to bow out gracefully and let a ghost have you?"
"She's real."
"I'm not giving that woman my husband no matter what, do you hear me?"
"I can't stay with you Jean. I've tried but with Ro back all I can see is that we made a mistake and the only way to fix it is to call it quits."
"You want a divorce?"
A nod of his shaggy head made her stomach lurch in dread. Another failed marriage. And Ororo was with Scott apparently, in whatever afterlife Jean had caused her to end up in. Her first love was really gone, lost to her, and so soon would Logan – both in love with Ororo. She felt so bereft and alone. How could Scott do that to her?
"I hate you!" she snarled angrily.
Turning he walked out into the cool morning. He could hear her crying, loud deep sobs that told him he'd hurt her when all he'd wanted was a clean break. She didn't love him, not like she loved Scott. Why did she insist on continuing the facade?
"You two seem to belong together, here, in this present."
The voice – Ororo's voice – caught him unawares. She was beside him outside on the porch, her flesh once again a mixture of skin and so many elements that he could barely see her features, a rushing swirl of life that had taken human shape.
"We're getting a divorce, Ro."
"You cannot," she whispered. "Oh, Logan how stupid and blind you are – I am! You cannot desert your wife now. She is pregnant again."
"What? Jean ain't pregnant, no way!"
"But she is. Hank has confirmed that the procedure you both asked for did indeed work. I cannot be the cause of your desertion, Logan. I cannot stay."
"What? I didn't ask Hank – wait! No, Ro, don't do this again, not when we got a chance – we can work this out I know we . . . !" he shouted but his desperate plea was cut short as she dissolved before his eyes.
"I am sorry, so sorry." He heard her say, her voice faint, dissolving like her. And suddenly rain, snow, sleet, hail burst forth, a mini storm as if bathing him in a final embrace then she was gone.
Logan heard Jean's laughter. She was standing in the doorway smiling through her tears. Logan understood why. Ororo meant not to come back. Furious, panicked, he jumped off the porch and started running. He searched the greenhouse and looked all over the grounds but she was nowhere.
"Jean, where is she?"
"Huh?"
"Where is she? Where'd Ororo go? Do your telepathy thing – find her!" Logan demanded, grabbing Jean from behind after he'd tracked her down later that day in the school's kitchen.
"Ororo's gone for good?"
"Just find her!"
"Logan even if I wanted to find her I don't know how. There's never been anything to connect to since she came back. She was just a ghost, that's all."
"I gotta find her, Jean."
"That's too damn bad for you! I'm glad she's gone and I hope she never comes back. I can't believe you're asking me to help you find my replacement. I'm tired of this and I'm sick to death of you!"
"Are you pregnant?"
"What?"
"Ro said Hank told her you're pregnant. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I'm going to have an abortion you son of a bitch! Do you think I want to use a baby to make you stay with me now? I'm not that desperate anymore."
"Then why'd you get pregnant without telling me? Is it even mine?"
Jean slapped him. "Is it yours? How dare you? I'm not the one sneaking around! Yes it's your sperm but the baby will never be yours, ever!"
"Look, calm down, Jean. I'm always gonna take care of my kid. You know that but I gotta stand by Roro too. She needs me."
"The baby and I need you too, if I keep it."
"I know that. And you will keep my kid, Jean. You know you got all the cards just like last time but I'll gut you myself if you get an abortion behind my back. It don't make sense you wantin' another kid an' sayin' you're gonna just get rid of it. Why didn't you tell me you wanted another kid?"
"For what? So you could tell Hank no? And why wouldn't I want another child to . . ."
"To replace our little girl?"
"Not a replacement. I just want some happiness. But I knew that was too much to ask of you. You would've said no. All I want from you now is for you to just stop looking for Ororo and try to make this work. Can't you try?"
"I ain't gonna leave you, either of you," he said, defeated.
"Oh, Logan. You already have."
She saw clearly now that he would always love Ororo just as she would always love Scott. She had no need to read his mind for it was plainly on his face. Logan had once loved her with a love she had feared, now she was nothing to him and that hurt. She wanted to hurt him as he'd hurt her. He'd known she would always love Scott, she'd been honest with him from the beginning. He'd basically tricked her into marriage, gotten her drunk in Vegas, but she'd vowed to make their marriage work no matter what. The man standing before her made her sick but he didn't deserve to be happy with Ororo.
"Ororo told me she's with Scott now," she said, "So that ought to make you feel better if she's really gone, at least she's not alone. Now I have to finish dinner." She turned her back to him, concentrating on the stew she was making.
He didn't bother her again and she was too tired to wonder where he was or what he was doing. He was lost to her. No matter that she had taken matters into her own hands to eliminate her competition all those years ago, slowly taking control over Ororo's mind, forcing her to shut down, convincing her to accept her death, as subtly as the snake in the Garden of Eden influencing Eve. Jean smiled grimly at the memory. Many times after she'd killed Ororo she'd tried to regret what she'd done in a moment of anger, of weakness, but no sorrow came. She wasn't proud of what she'd done, forcing her rival to expire, but it had been necessary and she'd do it again if that was possible. But Ororo's brain wasn't anything Jean could recognize. It was obvious that Ororo was more phantom than real and Logan just needed to accept that.
Jean smiled. Logan would stand by his word. He said he'd never leave her if she was pregnant and Ororo couldn't compete with that. So maybe she had won after all. And Ororo wasn't really dead per se which meant she wasn't the callous murderer they'd both thought she was. Best of all she'd finally have the family she'd longed for.
That night Jean slept fitfully but when she woke she felt more alone than ever. It would be this way every morning even with another child, she knew this. Logan had refused to sleep with her and she knew he wasn't going to change now. They'd pretended to live together so no one talked and their little girl had both of them all day till her bedtime but that wasn't a marriage. She longed to be loved, to have the perfect family that most people wanted. She'd thought she'd have that with a man who loved her more than than life itself. She'd been so wrong. His love had died so fast. What kind of love was that? Why had he led her on all those years? Why hadn't he just married Ororo?
Those questions would never be answered so she did something she had vowed never to do again, she searched for Logan telepathically. When she found him she surreptitiously dipped into his thoughts. But where she had expected lust and pornographic thoughts of Ororo she found only a deep, sorrowful yearning filling his entire being. She could see him in her minds eyes, in the woods – had he been running? Naked? She was sure of that but why? And then she was pushed from his mind with an angry aggressiveness that caught her off guard. She knew she'd have a pounding headache all morning if not all day. And she knew Logan would never forgive her.
There was no way she could tell without intruding into his thoughts that Logan would indeed forgive her and that he would resolutely continue their pretend life together for their child's sake. Ororo was not coming back. He knew it with certainty now. He could feel it in the wind, the very air around him. There was something missing, something integral, something he could not articulate. There was no feeling of her presence, no soft scent of sunshine and rain floating nearby. That was as close as he could come to expressing what was missing. She had left him. Why? Because she didn't love him enough to trust him? Didn't love him enough to wait . . . ?
"Wait for what?" he murmured to himself yet knowing how fruitless that wait would be. "I couldn't walk out on Jean and my kid."
A voice came to him on the wind – "I know this, Logan." Her scent was there briefly – wonderfully. The same scent and warmth that had sheltered him through a long night of rage and desperation, his feral rage let loose.
"Ro!" He looked around wildly trying to find her, but there was nothing there. "Ro, don't do this! We can work this out!" he pleaded.
But there was no response, no scent, no hint of her, nothing at all.
"Ororo, darlin' please don't do this."
Nothing, not even the gentlest whisper of wind. No breeze, no warmth, just emptiness.
"Please don't leave me," he whispered, now on his knees. "Please don't go, Ororo!"
Did he imagine it? The soothing scent of sun and rain and earth – Ororo as she was before, her aroma so natural and unique, Ororo as she was now, completely changed yet as fresh and soothing as always and it was not just a whiff but there all around him? The air, suddenly warm even caressing?
"I don't love her, I love you, Ororo – just was too stupid to see that back then," he said, his voice so forlorn it tore at Ororo's soul.
"Thank you, Logan but I cannot stay," Ororo whispered in his ear, her hand gentle on his face.
Only for an instant was she there and then she was gone taking his confession to treasure for eternity as she, nothing but a whisper on the wind, became one with the elements.