I own nothing. This chapter is a little detailed and gory. Please be warned of this before reading. STRONG SUICIDAL THEMES. You've been warned. Thank you. Enjoy!
"Tim," Gibbs said surprised.
"What?" I said in a sing song voice.
Staring into Gibbs eyes I knew that he was silently freaking out and I was glad. Maybe I could finally get some emotion out of that shell he had. Hmm, this was going to be a lot of fun.
For the whole time I was at NCIS no one asked me the one question that needed to be asked. No one asked if I was alright. If they had asked maybe I wouldn't be sitting here with a gun in my hand. Or maybe I would have been here faster.
I guess that didn't matter anymore though. I was here doing this as was Gibbs. I wonder what he's thinking. Bet he never saw this one coming. Ha, good to know that I can surprise him.
No one was supposed to be here, but now that he was I knew that it was going to be slightly harder. No, I wasn't having second thoughts, but after Kate died I knew that Gibbs couldn't handle watching another one of us die.
I didn't want Gibbs to watch as I did this, but I couldn't stop now. I had to do this like I had planned. It was this case. This stupid case that has my mind all jumbled up like this.
I thought I had gotten rid of these thoughts years ago. I mean, I went to a shrink and I 'talked' when I was supposed. These thoughts were never supposed to come back again.
For years in school I was the one always being made fun of. Well, shocker there. I guess I took what they said to heart and it ended up a huge mess when everything was over.
After a few years of being picked on I started to think these horrible thoughts. I'd wake up in the middle of the night panting and silently crying because of these stupid nightmares.
At first I thought that it was normal, then the dreams became more detailed. Night after night I would awaken and try to push the images of me killing myself out of my mind.
Yeah, that's right. At night I would have nightmares and every single time I would awaken and I could still remember them perfectly clear. Then something happened that changed everything.
It was during my junior year of high school and these people wouldn't leave me alone. I just wanted them to shut up so I could focus on my homework. I gave up on my homework after a few moments and let my mind wonder.
It wasn't surprising to see me doing something like that when people were talking to me, but what I was imagining was the part that made things the realist and scariest for me.
I imagined hurting myself. We were in math class and a protractor was just gently resting on my desk. The sharp end seemed to glimmer in the light and I could see myself reaching for it and slicing my wrist open.
That was when I knew that things were becoming a problem. It was one things to have nightmares about it, but to have daydreams about it was something I couldn't really handle.
I tried to keep these thoughts out of my mind, but they kept coming and they were getting so much more dark and bloody that sometimes I thought I had actually done what I had dreamed.
My first slip up was during the summer before senior year of high school. My parents were fighting over something and I couldn't sleep. I was so tired because I had been awake the night before reading.
As the tiredness swept over me I threw a glass cup filled with water, I had resting on my desk, at the door. The cup shattered instantly and all the pieces were so small, except for one.
One perfect piece was calling out to me. I heard people walking upstairs and, without thinking. grabbed the glass and hid it in my drawer. My parents came in the room worried and I explained that the glass slipped.
They seemed to buy the story and I was thankful for that. We quickly cleaned up the mess and they left me alone once again. I felt a smirk over my lips as I locked the door and covered the windows.
No one needed to see what I was about to do. I didn't even know what I was about to do actually. All I knew is that I had a perfectly good piece of glass in my drawer and some unmarred flesh on my wrist.
The first few cuts were exactly as I imagined. They were so calming and exciting at the same time. I felt like I was in heaven. The cuts started to get deeper and deeper, but I couldn't stop.
Not until I heard Sarah banging on the door telling me to come down for dinner. I looked at my wrist and saw blood. I couldn't even see my skin anymore. I was lucky that my room was attached to a bathroom.
I told her I'd be down in a minute and went to the bathroom to watch the blood away. As the red mixed with the water and flowed down the drain I thought about how my dreams were coming true.
Once the blood was gone I found some gauze and wrapped my wrists up. I knew I couldn't exactly go downstairs with the gauze showing so I slipped on a hoodie and left my bedroom.
Dinner was quiet and very uneventful, at least to me. My parents got into another fight. As they fought I found myself not interested. I pushed my plate away and asked to be excused.
Since my parents were so caught up in their fight not only did they say yes, but they didn't realize that I hadn't actually touched any food on my plate. My stomach was buzzing from the sheer thought of what was lying on my bed.
I quickly made my way upstairs and locked the door once more. I had no clue when I became so private, but I guess that I did have an excuse now. I stared at the glass for awhile longer before placing it in my drawer.
Exhaustion soon consumed me. My whole world seemed to be spinning. At the time I didn't realize it was because of the blood loss, but I guess that was something you never realized yourself.
"That's right Gibbs," I said smirking wickedly, "I'll use it on myself. Any objections before I pull the trigger? Or would you like to leave? I wouldn't want that hair of your messed up."