Just a little thing I thought up randomly one day. Hopefully this will get my muse going again. I rather miss it.
I own nothing. Please, review?
"Mr. Deeks," Hetty called from her office as I walked into the bullpen, "You are here early."
Looking around the room I noticed that I was actually the only one in the building besides Hetty. In fact, now that I started to pay attention to everything around me I saw that the sun was just barely starting to rise.
Okay, so that explained why my head was pounding and my eyes felt like the second they shut they'd never open again. I really was getting too old to walk around L.A. drowning in my own self-pity.
It wasn't my fault though. This was the third year that I was part of this team and I had high hopes on them remembering my birthday. Instead I ended up getting my hopes torn from me when only Hetty remembered.
Don't get me wrong I love that woman. She quickly became someone I considered to be part of my family, but at the end of the day she remembered or knew everything already.
Hetty remembering my birthday was nothing to get excited about, though I was happy that she did and I appreciated her present and everything. It just wasn't all that impressive no matter how much I loved it.
And as much as I wanted to have that moment when she gave me the bottle play in my mind I couldn't help but remember the teams faces when she announced that it was my birthday.
The only one that actually seemed to care at all was Kensi and that was only because she felt guilty for not knowing, or was it more like not caring, about my birthday at all.
Callen and Sam really didn't care about it at all. Like I was just someone that was keeping the desk warm. And maybe to them that was all I was. I wouldn't be surprised if that was what they thought.
Eric and Nell both offered my smiles, but I knew that it was only because they had been informed by Hetty what she was planning on doing. They didn't remember my birthday either.
It just wasn't fair. Alright, so I sounded like a child there, but it really wasn't. I had just started to think that maybe I found someplace where I could actually belong and where I could stay for a bit. All those thoughts were pulled out from underneath me.
Maybe I was being too childish about this whole thing. Was it my fault that I, just once, wanted a birthday that didn't involve my Father knocking me and my Mom around or Ray and I running from the cops?
No, I didn't think that was too much to ask for, but who really cares what little Marty thinks? No one ever really has cared about what I thought about anything. Even when I could help.
Except for Hetty. I wasn't being fair to her. She had remember my birthday and gotten me a gift. It was everyone else that just seemed to not care. I couldn't take this out on her.
"Mr. Deeks," Hetty spoke suddenly next to me, "You seem lost in thought. Is there anything you need to talk about?"
"You care, right?" I questioned hating how weak I sounded right then, "About me I mean. You care?"
"Of course I care. What would make you think that I didn't?"
"It's not that I don't think you care. I know you care. I just don't think anyone else does."
"Mr. Deeks…"
"It was my birthday, Hetty. And yes, I know that it's childish and stupid of me to think this, but I've been here for three years and this was the first year that I thought I was finally close enough to the team for them to at least acknowledge the day. I didn't want anything big. Not a dinner or presents or anything like that. I just wanted them to say 'Oh, hey Deeks. Happy birthday'. That was it. Nothing more. How is it possible that two little words was too much to ask for?"
Hetty stared at me for a second before motioning for me to follow her into her office. Sighing I trudged along behind her feeling as much as the child I knew I was acting like.
All of this was just ridiculous. I really didn't need anyone to tell me happy birthday. Except that this was my first birthday without someone actually saying that to me.
First it was my Mom. A 'Happy Birthday, my love' and a kiss to the forehead before he woke up or came home and decided that it was time for his favorite game. How much blood can I spill today.
Then it was Ray. Just as simple as my Mom's. A quick 'Happy Birthday, Marty' and being my wingman for the day and laughing beside me as we made up the most asinine pick-up lines we could think of.
Now I didn't have either of this people in my lives. I thought it was going to be fine. That I had people that cared about me still. And besides Hetty I had been completely wrong.
Maybe that was how things were going to be. I was only ever going to have one person in my life that cared about me at a time. That was just how things were going to be for me.
I hated the idea of being alone though. I needed people around me. I was a people person. For me to be alone was horrible. Like someone was actually trying to steal the very air I was breathing.
It was why I did so much. Friends, undercover, volunteering. All of it was because they needed people to help them and I couldn't last very long in the silence with my own thoughts.
The only time I was allowed to let myself get completely lost in my own thoughts was when I was surfing. It was actually why I surfed in the first place. I could lose myself in the waves.
That was why I surfed every morning before I came to work, even if it was just for ten minutes and I didn't even catch a wave. It was just something that was beyond soothing to me.
"You look exhausted," Hetty supplied setting a cup of tea in front of me.
"I didn't sleep last night," I muttered before thanking her and picking up my drink.
"You didn't sleep well or you didn't sleep at all?"
"I didn't sleep at all."
"And why is that?"
"I thought my speech right then had explained what I was feeling right now, Hetty."
"Oh, it did. I was hoping now that you have calmed some you can explain to me further what is going on in that head of yours."
"I'm just tired of being alone. Of not mattering."
"Is that what you think, Mr. Deeks? That you're alone? That you don't matter to us?"
"How else am I supposed to feel right now?"
"Mr. Deeks…"
"You know, I didn't expect Sam or Callen to care about this. I don't actually think either of them really likes me. But I thought Eric, Nell, and I were friends. And please don't lie to me and say they remembered. They only knew about my birthday because you had told them. And Kensi? She's my partner. I would never forget an important date like this. It just hurts."
"They didn't do it on purpose."
"I know. I guess that's why I'm more angry at myself then I am at them. I mean, who does this, Hetty? Why man in his thirties throws a fit because of his birthday? It completely ludicrous. I'm an idiot. Just forget any of this happened."
Without saying anything else I finished the last of my tea and made my way to my desk. If I had been in a different frame of mind I would have realized that it was rude for me to talk to and then walk away from Hetty.
That was it though. Right now the only thing running through my mind was how hurt and stupid I felt. How I really wished I had called in sick today because I didn't want to face anyone or anything.
I couldn't do that though. I had a bad day, but it was my job to protect and serve people and if there was one thing I was always willing to do it was just that. Nothing would stop me.
That was why I kept doing what I did. Why I willing changed my professions. I wanted to help as many people as I possibly could. In everyway that I possible could think of.
Me helping people was the only thing that kept me going some days. I couldn't save them all, I knew that and it killed me, but the ones that I could save…I loved that feeling more than anything.
Sighing I cracked my spine before falling onto the couch. I wasn't planning on taking a nap or anything I just needed a moment so I could catch up on everything that was running through my mind.
I laid there silently for almost five minutes just breathing when I felt something being draped over me. My eyes snapped open and I saw Hetty laying a small blue afghan over me.
Opening my mouth I started to say that I was fine and that I just needed a little coffee, but I was stopped by her hand on my shoulder as she stared at me with a slight smile.
"Sleep, Mr. Deeks," Hetty soothed, "I will wake you when it is time for you to start working. We can't have you passing out on the job, can we?"