Just a little thing I thought up randomly one day.
A little more angst in the mind that is Deeks. Maybe I'm channeling myself right now, I'm not sure. But the story will get happier I promise. This is a happy ending story! Just have to get through all the self-hatred and self-doubt to get there.
I own nothing. Please, review?
"Deeks!" a voice yelled forcing me to shoot off of the couch.
Looking around I saw Callen and Sam staring at me with smirks on their faces from their desks while Kensi stood over me with a slightly worried glare. She really was good at mixing emotions like that.
I started to smile up at the woman when everything that happened yesterday hit me. Why did that have to happen? Couldn't I just continue to pretend that everything was perfectly fine? I had been doing it my whole life.
That was why I had agreed to work undercover and why I was so good at it. I had perfected pretending that everything was fine or pretending to be somebody else before I had even hit double digits.
Pretending had become such a big part of my life I found myself more often than not questioning who Marty Deeks actually was. That terrified me more than anything I had seen undercover.
I feared that one day I'd find myself actually enjoying what the person that I was playing did. Hurting people, stealing things, fighting for no reason, only caring about myself. I didn't want that.
Still, no matter how much fear I felt I could never walk away from this job. I'd either go dark side and have to have someone stop me or I'd be killed in the line of duty. I wouldn't walk away.
Maybe that was why the team treated had me so differently from the beginning. They saw this thing inside of me that made them question whether or not I was on their side or not.
It would explain everything that was going on. Well, except for Hetty. That woman was the best judge of character and she had actively searched me out and brought me into this team.
Why would she do that if she thought that I was going to go all dark side on her? She wouldn't and it wasn't like she was using me she truly cared about me. That was the major part I was having trouble with.
Everything Hetty did made me think that she cared about me, about this team. She was the one that I knew would be there to lend a helping hand to anyone on the team. Even if they didn't know they needed it.
Then there was the team. They were the opposite. They rarely made me feel like I belonged or that they cared. I was just a filler until a real agent came and took my spot away from me.
Of course, there's always the fact that this was never my spot to being with. Hetty wanted me on this team and she had to have pulled a lot of strings to do so, but at the end of the day it was up to Sam, Kensi, and Callen if I stayed.
Well, that's not exactly true either is it? It's up to me whether or not I stay. Whether or not I take Hetty up on her offer to become a full agent. To quit the LAPD and join NCIS.
Damn it, why did I have to start thinking? Couldn't I have just let all of this go and move on? Everyone else seemed to have done that. Then again they weren't the ones that got hurt. Not that it mattered. I was actually used to being hurt and forgotten.
I don't know why I thought being on this team was going to change that. Nothing would ever change it. I was always going to be alone in this and I was just going to have to get used to that.
"Long night?" Kensi asked as we stood up.
"Something like that," I muttered while stretching, "I'm going to grab some coffee and something to eat from that store around the block. Anyone want anything?"
I could hear the team saying that they were fine as I walked out of the bullpen. Okay, I might not have actually given them time to tell me anything, but I didn't really want to deal right now.
By that little stunt I just pulled they knew that I wasn't in the best of moods. Two things could happen because of that. Either they were going to act like nothing changed or they were going to try to figure things outs.
Honestly, I had no idea which idea I liked less. I didn't want to talk about what my mind was going through right now, but I knew that it would just make everything feel worse to me if they ignored me.
Why did I want this team to be something that I could hang onto? I had had partners in the past and I had a lot of friends, but I always made sure to keep them at arms length.
This team was different. Yeah, I still kept a few steps away from them, but I was a lot closer to them than almost anyone else. And by 'anyone else' I meant Ray. Who I barely talked to anymore since he was in Witness Protection.
This whole thing was just getting out of control. I was allowing myself to get close to people that obviously didn't want to be close to me. They had made that clear at every turn.
What did it matter? I was going to get hurt either way. It was better for me to realize that now than for me to keep going, to keep trying to get them to consider me a friend.
Sighing I shook my head and slowly walked into the store. I wasn't actually all that hungry and the idea of having even coffee in my stomach was enough to make to rebel.
I walked around the entire store, twice, just to calm myself down. I knew that I was probably making the cashier nervous so I grabbed a bottle of water and pack of gum before checking out.
As I walked back to the Mission I wondered what I was doing. It would be best for everyone if I went back to just working for the LAPD, but I had come to love working with NCIS.
I really hated when I was as conflicted as I was right now. I worked good under most pressure, it's how I kept myself alive for as long as I had. But not this kind. It never ended well for me.
When I got back to my desk everyone was quietly working on their own thing. I counted myself lucky and started on the pile of paperwork that I had been putting off doing. I knew there was reason I did that.
The work was slow, but it was, thankfully, enough that I could simply focus on it and not what was going on in my mind. Just long enough of a break for me to get back to being myself. Or whoever I was.
My not thinking was interrupted by a whistle from the floor above. Looking up I saw Eric standing there with his normal small smile and knew that there was a case we needed to solve.
"Deeks," Callen spoke as we made our way up, "You okay?"
"Yeah," I nodded with a fake grin, "Of course."
"You sure? Cause you look a little…"
"I'm just a little tired, Callen. You know my birthday was last night. No, I'm not still drunk and I don't have a hangover, I'm not that stupid. But I didn't get much sleep. Come on, Hetty's going to be mad if we're late."
I knew even as I pushed Callen's concerns away that I was just making it worse for myself. He wasn't the type to stand down and even if he didn't care about me he did care about Sam and Kensi and if I couldn't do my job they might get hurt.
That was another thing I found myself questioning a lot. Was I still an effective cop? Was I still actually helping the people that I had vowed to protect? Or was I hurting them without realizing it?
When I first started working undercover I knew that I wasn't going to be able to truly see everything that happened with my cases. I couldn't interview perps or anything like that because the couldn't know who I was.
That made things a little more difficult for me. If I didn't go over all the files than I'd never know if I was doing the right thing of if I was just playing the worst game of dress up ever.
I wanted to help people. That was all I never wanted to do. I never thought I'd be working in a place where I couldn't see that I was helping them. Nothing I did was ever going to change that.
Sometimes I hated my mind. Alright, so I hated my mind a lot of the time, but it did bring up points that I really did need to think about. No matter how much I hated to do so.
None of this mattered right now. We had a case that I needed focus on. There were people out there right now that needed me to be on the top of my game. Not having this mini freak out.
I would have to come back to this when I had the time. Or never. I could just ignore everything that I had been thinking and let my life go back to the way it was before. I liked that idea.
Okay, so it wasn't the healthiest thing for me to do, but what choice did I have? None. Maybe I never did have a choice, but that didn't matter either. Right now I didn't even matter. The case did.
"Miss Blye," Hetty's voice cut through my thoughts, "With me. I trust you boys to figure out the rest."
Nodding our heads we waited until Hetty and Kensi left the room before turning back to Callen. He was the lead on this team. Between him and Hetty very few things were ever over looked.
Not saying that nothing bad happened, but that just came with the job. No, those two looked out for their own. Even if one of them didn't want one of those people as their own.
"You got that, Deeks?" Callen questioned looking at me.
"Got it," I nodded.
"Then let's go."