Thank you all for the amazing feedback.
Breathless Ivory is an amazing beta. This would be shit without her help!
Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time. Sadly.
Getting out of bed the next morning proved much harder than Emma had anticipated. The idea to stay in bed all day was appealing, and the desire strong. She had to remind herself that she had done what she had done because it was time to get her life back together. It seemed only fitting she'd broken things off with Killian before going back to New York. He and their agreement were poisoning her, making her into something she was most definitely not, and she refused to keep letting him destroy her. When she got back to the Big Apple, she would start a new chapter in her life.
Yes, she loved him. She had been in love with him for some time now, but she also loved herself enough to realize what it was doing to her. The fact that he saw her as nothing more than his best friend's little sister, maybe even a friend – if she was lucky – was taking its toll on her. It was hard to love someone who did not return that love, but it was so much harder seeing them, touching them and being close to them, when you knew the other person would never be able to give you what you want. What you deserve.
It wasn't that Killian wasn't good enough, because he was. If anything, he was probably too good for her. He was one of the greatest men Emma had ever had the pleasure of meeting, but he wasn't right for her. While the blonde had been blinded by her affection for him at the beginning of their arrangement, she could see everything more clearly now. They were all kinds of wrong for each other. Accepting that fact was much harder than realizing it. But she had finally acknowledged it, and leaving him proved just that. That's not to say it didn't sadden her, though. She wished things could be different, and comforted herself with the thought that maybe in some parallel universe they were happy together. Maybe in some parallel universe they weren't both so fucked up.
She buried her head in the pillow, and wished she could fall back asleep for those short thirty minutes she had until her alarm went off. Not only could she use any sleep she could get after such a tiresome night, but it would also keep her from repeating last night in her head. She didn't want to overthink things or think about what was best left forgotten. What was done was done.
Accepting the fact that there was no way her brain would let her fall back asleep, she let out a loud groan and swung her feet over the edge of the bed. The floor was cold and an involuntarily shudder ran down her spine. Shaking her head, Emma pushed herself off the bed and walked towards the en-suite, throwing her lingerie in the laundry basket as she went.
She made a mental note to remind Ruby to give her the laundry back when she came to visit her in New York.
She sighed at her reflection in the mirror, hating how puffy her eyes were from crying. She used to think she was strong. That she was different than most girls because she didn't cry all the time. Especially over boys; even Neal's betrayal didn't hurt enough to make her cry. But lately, she'd been crying far too much. Killian had turned her into a sobbing wreck without even realizing or intending it. Emma decided that it sucked.
"Get yourself together, Swan." She murmured at her reflection.
She took her time under the shower, letting the warm water relax her muscles and ease the tension. She washed her head and scrubbed herself clean, only turning off the tap once hot water ran out. Quickly drying her hair, she tied it into a messy bun, pulled on a pair of dark blue jeans and a white, long-sleeved T-shirt and slid into a pair of brown ankle-boots.
She knew Ruby must have already left at least an hour ago to get to Granny's in time, and since she didn't really feel like eating much, she just grabbed a banana out of the bowl. She made herself some hot cocoa, adding a few marshmallows for good measure, and sprinkled the hot beverage with cinnamon. She set the mug on the coffee table, wrapped herself in a fuzzy blanket and spread across the sofa. Grabbing the laptop off the floor, she settled it in her lap and scanned through her emails first.
Her alarm went off a little less than a half hour later and she dragged herself back upstairs. She started packing with a loud sigh. She loved New York, she really did, but there was something about Storybrooke that would always feel like home to her. Maybe because it was the first real home she'd ever had.
Fucking. Regina. Fucking. Killian. The words kept repeating like a mantra in her head over and over and over again as she mercilessly pounded into the boxing bag. Her muscles were screaming in protest and droplets of sweat were running down her face, but it didn't bother her. She needed to let out all the pent up frustration and she had always enjoyed boxing. She enjoyed it even more when she imagined her sister-in-law's face in the middle.
She couldn't believe they had been married for less than a month and Robin had already more or less brushed Emma off. He had promised nothing would change, but she knew better. Her brother was so deeply in love with the she-devil he would do pretty much anything she asked him to, and that didn't sit well with Emma. Not only did the woman's blabbering cloud his mind and rational thinking, she was manipulating him in neglecting his family for her.
A growl of frustration escaped Emma's throat as she punched harder and faster. Who the hell did the woman think she was? Just because she was the mayor of her home town didn't give her the right to separate Robin from his family, but she still tried to do so every chance she got. Like, about an hour prior, when Robin had called to check in after almost a week of no word from him.
Emma had been so excited when her phone rang and she saw his name. He always brightened her mood, and even though she would never tell him what happened exactly since he didn't even know about her and Killian, she still wanted to talk to him for a while and stop thinking about the blue-eyed lawyer. But of course, his meddling wife cut their conversation short with her whining about how unsocial her husband was being and practically hung up on her.
She always ruined everything. Emma couldn't understand what Robin saw in that awful woman. There were so many better women out there who actually deserved her brother.
A sharp pain shot through Emma's left arm at the last direct and she cried out, wincing as she stepped away from the large bag and held her hand against her stomach. She carefully rolled her shoulder to assess the damage and sighed when the pain didn't lessen. Great. The last thing she needed was an injury.
Shaking her head in frustration, she took off her boxing gloves and wraps and discarded them on the floor against the wall. Getting a membership at the nearest gym was one of the best things she'd done for herself in a while, and she made a mental note to buy a boxing bag for her loft.
She didn't bother to change, she just grabbed her things, threw them in her black gym bag and hurried home. Luckily, the gym was barely a mile away from her loft so it didn't take her long to get back.
Taking off the top she was wearing, she wiped her wet face in the soft material and opened the front door. It was only April, but the heating was on high, so she really didn't worry of catching a cold in only her sport bra. Momentarily forgetting about her injured shoulder, she grabbed her bag with the wrong hand and huffed as the pain shot through her arm again. The bag fell to the floor with a loud thud.
"Fuck," she murmured under her breath, using her other hand to massage her shoulder gently.
Emma turned around with the intent of finding an ice-pack for her shoulder, but stopped dead in her tracks at what she saw; two figures settled casually in the kitchen, both of their eyes set on her. Despite her best efforts, her heart skipped a beat at the sight of Killian sitting on the stool behind the kitchen island, before she realized she didn't want him there and scowled her features into a mask of indifference.
Her eyes left his and she cocked her eyebrow at her sister, already promising to herself she would give Ruby hell if she had invited him over. While Ruby supported Emma's choice, the blonde knew there was still a part of her sister that held onto that crazy idea of Killian suddenly realizing how madly in love he was with Emma and coming after her. They'd all been friends for a long time, but Ruby still didn't know him like Emma did. Her sister was far too busy with other things to really take time to get to know Killian. Emma on the other hand, had spent enough time pinning after him to notice the all the small habits and flaws he had. She knew him. And that's how she knew that even if Killian did come after her, it wouldn't be to proclaim his undying love for her, it would be an act of his possessiveness. He didn't love her, but he did want her.
And Killian Jones wasn't used to not getting what he wanted.
She loved having her sister over, but right now she just wanted to be alone. She was also slightly suspicious as to why her sister was in her loft, even though she wasn't supposed to be visiting for a month.
Ruby shook her head slightly to let her know it was not what she thought, and even though Emma wanted to believe he was there for her, the lack of smile on her sister's face told her that was not the case.
"What are you doing here?" She asked tiredly, brushing some of the hair that has fallen out of her ponytail behind her ears. Boxing had worn her out, her shoulder was still throbbing, and she just wasn't in the mood to deal with him.
"Why, hello to you too, Swan," he smirked cheekily. It wasn't until his eyes travelled up and down her body that she realized she was standing there in only her sports top and sweatpants. Suddenly, she felt extremely uncomfortable, though she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of covering herself up.
"You know what? I don't even care why you're here. Don't let the door hit you on your way out," she brushed him off with a roll of her eyes.
For a brief second when her eyes met his, she thought she saw something resembling hurt and confusion flash in them. But it was gone as quickly as it came and she shook her head slightly, angry with herself for imagining things that were most certainly not true. Killian did not care, and most of all; Killian did not show his feelings. Ever.
Ruby cocked her head to the side and gave Emma a pointed look, before speaking with a warning tone. "Emma, stop being a bitch. He's not here to fight."
The blonde didn't say anything, but raised her eyebrow at her sister and waited for her to continue. Ruby exhaled and shook her head. "We have a problem."
Emma couldn't believe this was happening. It was like the universe didn't want her to get her life together with how it kept throwing shit at her at the worst possible moments. She had her brother and his new wife to worry about, her love life was a total mess and her shoulder hurt like hell. She did not need this added to the pile.
"And you're sure Roland is Robin's?" Emma asked her sister for the tenth time. She still couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that her brother had a child with the woman he divorced over four years ago and didn't even know about it.
"Well, I guess I can't know for certain, but Emma, he's a carbon copy of Robin when he was young. As much as I despise the woman, Marian has no reason to lie about this." Her sister stressed.
Emma shot Killian a sideways glance. She really didn't want him here, but she also kind of wanted to jump over the counter and kiss him. She just didn't know which one was worse.
She shook her head, trying to come up with a plan as she absently rubbed her shoulder with her other hand. "You should really put some ice on that, love," Killian remarked, making her snap out of her thoughts.
"Huh?" She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, before noticing what she was doing and dropping her hand. "I'm fine."
"What happened?" Ruby asked, clearly not noticing Emma's discomfort until now.
"Nothing."
They both watched Emma as she pushed herself away from the counter and opened the freezer, taking out a bag of frozen peas, wrapping them into a cloth and pressing it against her shoulder. An involuntarily gasp left her at the sudden coldness, before she leaned against the counter again and noticed them watching her.
"I'm fine!" She snapped at their knowing looks and rolled her eyes, trying her best to avoid Killian's gaze, who seemed to read her far better than her own sister. "Can we get back to the problem now?"
Ruby shot a glare in her direction, before focusing back on Killian.
It wasn't every day your brother's cheating ex-wife came back to town with a kid she claimed was your nephew. When Ruby told her she had bumped into Marian at the store back in Storybrooke, she was sure she had been lying. Marian had no reason at all to come back to a town which most certainly didn't want her. After she cheated on Robin, Granny, being the overly protective guardian, lost it and threatened her to leave town. Seeing as everybody respected Granny and everything she did for Emma and her siblings, and knowing Robin's history, there weren't many who thought Marian was the innocent one.
In the end, Marian realized living in a town where no one liked you was too hard, so she took Granny's advice and fled. It was probably the only smart thing the woman had done in her whole life. As much as Emma disliked Regina, she at least knew the mayor's feelings towards her brother were genuine. If she had to choose between Marian and Regina, she would gladly pick her nemesis and let the cheating skank rot in hell.
She let her eyes skip to the man who had stolen her heart, and despite everything that had happened between them, she couldn't ask for a better friend for her brother. Killian and Robin had been best friends even before Emma arrived to the family and they had always had each other's backs. She knew Killian would die for her brother and it went both ways. The surgeon loved Robin as much as she and Ruby did.
What would Robin do if he found out his best buddy had been screwing his little sister for almost a year now? She didn't even want to think about it, because she knew it would end badly. That was another one of the million reasons why she and Killian could never be together. She couldn't do that to either of the men she loved.
Another thing about Killian was that while he was extremely passionate and stubborn, he was also very loyal and trustworthy. Setting aside their argument and not demanding answers like he usually would just further proved how much he cared for Robin. But she didn't kid herself and think he wouldn't go back to his usual self as soon as they were done talking.
She thought about sneaking out before they were finished so he couldn't corner her, but this was bigger than her feelings and her cowardice. They were talking about her brother's life, for god's sake. She would stay and help come up with what to do, no matter what.
That didn't mean she was looking forward to their talk, though.
It took Emma a while to realize Ruby and Killian had both stopped talking and were looking at her amused. Embarrassed to be caught looking at him, Emma averted her gaze and focused on her sister instead. "Sorry, what were you saying?"
Ruby rolled her eyes, but flashed her a secretive smile as well. "We need to tell Robin before he finds out."
"I agree." The blonde nodded. "I'm just going to jump under the shower real quick and then we'll leave, okay?"
Not waiting for an answer from either of them, she put the peas back into the freezer and all but ran upstairs, needing to escape the room. Once she was in her bedroom, she closed the door and leaned against it. Exhaling loudly, she let her head fall back and banged it against the wooden surface a few times, muttering something about when her life had become so complicated under her breath. Not having much of a choice, she stripped and showered quickly, before re-tying her hair into a messy bun and pulling on a pair of jeans and a black sweater.
Stepping into her boots, she grabbed her red leather jacket and her phone and hurried downstairs, not wanting to be the one to leave her friends waiting. Somewhere in the middle of the stairs, she looked around the apartment confused. Killian was eating an apple while leaning against the counter, and Ruby was nowhere to be seen.
The realization dawned on her and she cursed her sister under her breath. "Let me guess, Ruby's already long gone?" She groaned, shaking her head.
"Beautiful andsmart? You're quite a catch, Swan," Killian chewed on his apple with a haughty smirk on his lips.
An involuntarily laugh escaped Emma at the irony of his words and a light blush crept on her face at his meaning. His puzzled look reminded her of how crazy she must have sounded, so she covered it up with a loud cough. Knowing asking him to leave would only start an argument she didn't want to have, she sighed in defeat and walked past him to the refrigerator.
She more or less ignored him and decided she may as well have something to eat. It would at least give her something else to focus on beside him, and it might give him the clue to leave her alone. Probably not, but it was worth a try. Emma's chopping and Killian's loud chewing were the only sounds in the empty apartment. The chewing stopped not long after and while the blonde was curious to know what he was doing, she was too stubborn to turn around and find out.
The whole situation was incredibly frustrating, especially since she wasn't used to it. As if having Killian there, in her apartment, alone wasn't bad enough, her injured shoulder made moving her hand difficult. And it was a lot harder chopping with one hand than it looked like. Her anger grew and the sound of the chopping got louder. She felt his eyes on her back, but she wouldn't dare to look.
God, she wasn't about to fall apart in front of him, was she?
Panicking inside, she was too distracted to notice his hand before he lay it over hers and jumped startled, dropping the knife on the counter. She hadn't realized how much she had missed the sensation his touch brought to her until now, and an involuntarily shudder ran through her body, making her close her eyes.
"Stop it, lass. You're only going to hurt yourself."
Angry at herself and her body for reacting this way, she stepped to the side. She watched as his hand disappeared from hers and rounded the kitchen island, subconsciously putting something between them to separate them physically.
"How about you get to the yelling and arguing part already? I'm done playing this game." Defense was the best offense, right?
He chuckled darkly and shook his head, but his eyes showed anything but amusement. With that dangerous spark in his eyes, he set his hands down on the counter and leaned on them for support. "You say it like I'm the one who started this game."
"Aren't you?"
"I'm not the one who just suddenly up and left without an explanation of any kind, Swan." While his face was a mask of calm and his voice as indifferent as possible, his eyes betrayed the anger which was bubbling under the surface.
"You don't want an explanation." Emma scoffed, meaning to say it quieter than she had.
"I deserve it, though."
Of course, he was right. He deserved an explanation and so much more, but she wasn't ready to give it to him yet. She wasn't sure if she would ever be able to give it to him. She had done a great job of hiding what she felt for him for so long, she didn't even know how to stop pretending anymore. Even though they were friends, she never even hinted she felt anything more than friendship and lust towards him. She just wasn't ready to be that vulnerable and open to him.
It would be so much easier if she could just give him what he wanted and be done with it, but she wasn't even sure what he wanted. Scratch that, she knew what he was after, she just didn't think she could give it to him. It wasn't just sex for her anymore, it hadn't been for some time, and it was incredibly unfair to him as well as to her to keep pretending there were no feelings involved.
"I think you should go." She stated simply, her voice sounding more tired than it had in a while.
It was his turn to scoff now. "I'm not leaving without an explanation."
Thank you for reading!