Hey, I am SOOOOOO SORRY FOR NOT DOING THIS IN SO LONG! I promise that after next week, the updates will come more quickly. So we're introducing Bro in this chapter! Oh, by the way, I mean no harm to Stephen Schwartz or Benedict Cumberbatch in this chapter! I love both of them! And thank you SOOOO much for the reviews! PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING I LOVE YOU ALL, IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY.
Hemlockforensics
turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist at 2:00 am.
TG: sup bro
EB: holy shit dave, it's 2 am!
TG: yes and
EB: isn't that kinda late?
TG: nah man
TG: its insanely early
EB: urgh!
EB: why are you up so early?
TG: because
TG: when you're takin care of brats all day
TG: early in the mornin is the only dave time
EB: dave time?
TG: yeah bitch.
TG: dave times the best time of the day
EB: first of all, that sucks.
EB: second of all, i'm not your bitch!
TG: first of all no it does not
TG: kids are fuckin great
TG: second of all
TG: the majority of the world agrees that you are
TG: indeed
TG: my bitch.
EB: no one would agree with that!
TG: right of course
TG: youre not a bitch
TG: youre an egbitch
EB: D:
TG: oh come on man
TG: if you were gonna be anyones bitch
TG: im your best fuckin option
EB: hmmmm...i guess that's true!
TG: yeah
TG: thats cuz im always right
TG: …
TG: egbitch.
EB: wait, maybe YOU'RE the egbitch!
TG: wait
TG: what
EB: like, being a cumberbitch!
TG: what the fuck is a "cumberbitch"
EB: oh please, don't you watch sherlock?
TG: yeah who the fuck doesnt
TG: but I dont see how cum and bitches are related to kick ass murder
EB: oh my god dave.
TG: what
EB: benedict cumberbatch.
TG: okay now youre just spewing nonsense
EB: NO!
EB: it's the name of the guy who plays sherlock!
TG: what an unfortunate name
TG: like what the fuck were his parents thinking
TG: "i know let's name our child eggs cumberbitch"
TG: oh
TG: "egbitch"
TG: holy shit john
TG: are you secretly benedict cumberbatch
EB: yes.
EB: you have now found me out, dave.
EB: i'm also secretly sherlock holmes.
TG: wait fuck
TG: does that make me john
EB: yes.
TG: no fuck you
TG: im not being john
TG: you are john
TG: your name is fucking john
EB: nah, I get all the egbitches
TG: ugh
TG: but you dont have an older brother
TG: like brocroft
EB: holy shit, BROCROFT?!
TG: hahaha
EB: but then again...
EB: john does have a lesbian sister.
EB: of which I do not own.
TG: how do you know
TG: your sisters like 5
EB: well, we already have an inkling that your 5-year-old brother's gay!
TG: fuck you
TG: we dont know that for a fact
EB: yes we do.
TG: no we dont
EB: david elizabeth strider.
TG: holy shit how the fuck did you know my middle name
EB: I AM SHERLOCK FUCKING HOLMES.
EB: I CAN DEDUCE THIS SHIT.
TG: omfg would this make jade molly
EB: no eeew!
EB: that's gross!
EB: she's my COUSIN, dave!
TG: it doesnt matter
TG: because im sherlock
TG: and you are john
TG: and from my deductions
TG: you should go fuck yourself with one of those tight ass jumpers of yours
TG: egbitch
EB: pfffft!
EB: you're so weird, dave!
TG: thanks babe
TG: I try
EB: hahahahahaha!
TG: so whats all the new gossip
EB: I pretty much told you everything!
TG: what
TG: when
EB: oh!
EB: never mind!
TG: uh okay
TG: so ive set up a playdate for jake and dirk
EB: do you think gay runs in your family?
TG: not like it does yours.
EB: pffft, my dad's not a homosexual!
TG: huh
TG: learn somethin new every fuckin day
EB: ugh, i'm tired, and i'm going to sleep!
TG: noooooooooooooooooooooo
EB: yyyyyyyeeeeeeeesssssssssssss
TG: come on
TG: sleep is no fun
TG: not compared to dave strider
EB: is that why you never let me sleep when I spent the night?
EB: god we never fucking sleep.
TG: dude.
EB: what?
TG: that sounded
TG: so
TG: fucking
TG: gay
EB: how so?
TG: eh never mind
TG: im just gonna pretend like you meant it like that
EB: ...what?
TG: fuck
TG: never mind its nothing
EB: uhhhhh okaaaaaay...?
TG: fuck rox just woke up
TG: you can go back to sleep
EB: okie dokie!
EB: goodnight, dave!
TG: sleep tight egbitch
EB: no you're the egbitch!
TG: shut your fucking bucktoothed grin watson
TG: we have mysteries to solve now
TG: and then ill fuck you later
EB: nooooope
EB: its too late for this shit.
TG: you mean early
EB: fuck you!
EB: goodnight!
TG: good morning
ectoBiologist ceased pestering turntechGodhead at 3:05
TG: hahahahahaha
The next morning, Jade found herself sitting at a table with some of her best friends, including Feferi. She was seated next to her dorky, lisping boyfriend- something that made Jade green with envy. Not the good kind of green, either. Like, not the kind of green you want your plants to be when gardening! Like, the BAD type of green. For example, the Wicked Witch of the West type of green. It was like she was Elphaba and Feferi was Galinda, and they could not ever be together because STUPID FUCKING STEPHEN SCHWARTZ MADE IT SO THEY BOTH WERE STRAIGHT. ...Wait, what? Did Jade actually just think that? Usually, she would attempt to ignore thoughts such as that. However, at this particular moment, she was not ready to accept such facts. Okay, she was. She had a "Come-To-Jesus" in the shower this morning at 5:00 am, and she realized that she, indeed, was a lesbian. For one of her best friends, no less. It hadn't been unexpected, she supposed. She heard Dave and Rose tease her about it a million times before. But hell, it wasn't like she was about to admit to it, right? Just, the way Fef looked right now, still in her PJ's, with her curly, caramel-brown hair up in a messy bun. Fuck, what Jade would do to run her hands through that goddamned hair.
And so, she liked girls. She didn't really know what to think about it, but she guessed she did. She knew, however, that Feferi could never feel the same way about her. Feferi was straight, and not only that, but she had a boyfriend. And they claimed to love one another. Not to mention, they did look super cute together. Jade was not usually the type to get jealous, but she realized that she wanted to claw Sollux's stupid discolored eyes right out of his head. But Jade had been brought up to be a lady, and so she would do no such thing to anyone. She could not change the fact that Feferi would never like her, as much as she hated to admit it. So, she turned her emerald gaze back to the scrambled eggs on her paper plate.
It just so happened, that similar thoughts were crossing Feferi's mind at the same time. She knew she thought of Jade more than a friend, now. But didn't Jade date Dave for a while? That clearly meant she did not like girls. Plus, Feferi would have to break up with Sollux. This would be hard, because it seemed like he really was in love with her. She knew her best friend, Eridan, had a thing for Sol, but she wasn't sure if it would be nice to just dump him like that. In all honesty, she now realized that the only reason she began dating Sollux in the first place was to prove that she liked boys to Eridan. She had no idea he was in love with Sol at the time, but she did it anyway. She supposed she always knew deep down inside that there was more she felt about Jade Harley than she would ever let on...But then again, she would never let it on. She guessed it would probably be best to keep these things to herself. Even if they were going to the beach that day, and even if she would be forced to see Jade in a swimming suit...No, shit. She would not think about this. Thinking about things like this ruins the mind and hurts the body. Just ignore it, Fef. It will go away.
No it won't. Oh fuck, just break up with Sollux already!
Bro Rose
YOUR EXTREMELY SEXY BIG BRO IS CALLING YOU.
"Brother, dearest. How kind of you to ring me up."
"Yo sis. Sup?"
"Oh, nothing much really. We are all headed to the beach today, though."
"So you get to see some babes in bikinis. Niiiice."
"I suppose. However, I would never admit to thinking such things out loud, because it would make me feel like a miscreant pervert."
"Eh, I prefer penises myself."
"That is a way to put it bluntly."
"I'd rather be blunt than say nothing at all. Life's short, Lil' Sis."
"I'll take your word for it, considering the fact that you're practically an old man now."
"Hahaha, real funny. I'm only thirty."
"Right, of course. Was there any particular reason why you phoned me?"
"Well I was hopin to hear somethin interestin."
"Your drawl is appearing. Quite rapidly, indeed, actually."
"Oh, you and Dave think you're so goddamned funny. Speaking of which, how is the little twerp?"
"Still in the closet."
"You think he likes boys?"
"Who doesn't?"
"Ah, good point, girly. Who's the lucky guy?"
"All signs point to a certain Johnathan Egbert."
"Wait. Fuck. Seriously?"
"Why on Earth would I joke about that?"
"Shit. I gotta go talk to Dave."
"What? Why?"
"Look, sugarcakes. Big Bro'll explain at a later time. I gotta go talk to him about life."
"I'm going to pretend like that does not have strange connotations, and the fact that I believe that you are hiding something from me."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Fuck off, Lil Sis."
"Love you too, Bro."
YOUR CALL HAS SADLY ENDED.