The Manic Adventure Of Sam, Zee, and Jackie
Chapter 13: The Misty Mountains Cold
The rain thundered down upon the mountain, gallons of water soaked them to the core as they precariously walked along a narrow edge. All the dwarves had trouble walking on the narrow, rock path but Zee could not even stand without fear of slipping off the edge.
"Jackie!" Zee cried to her friend who was three dwarves away, "Jackie, I don't wanna die!"
Jackie and the dwarves found that they missed when Zee was quiet. Jackie didn't bothered to give her an answer, she herself was far to busy trying not to slide off. All the rain made the rock slippery beyond belief and all concentration was on not slipping.
"I'm all about that bass!" Zee started to sing while hyperventilating, "I'm all about that bass!"
"Zenin!" Jackie snapped, "That is not helping!"
"It's helping me!" Zee snapped back, "And you offered no support whatsoever!" Zee then returned to singing only she changed the song to Grenade.
The dwarves hadn't the ability to ask what she was singing but Ori managed to make a note to himself before Bilbo had partially slipped. Dwalin and Bofur managed to save the poor hobbit and Bilbo was so thankful for that.
"We must find shelter!" Thorin shouted to everyone, "There must be a cave near by."
"Then find it!" Zee shouted back from the end of the line, "I do not fancy dying like this thank you very much!"
"Watch out!" Dwalin shouted, before anyone could do anything, however, a huge boulder was thrown at the high rocks above them. Everyone shielded themselves underneath the other rocks.
"This is no thunder storm!" Balin said as he noticed that the mountain was moving, "It's a thunder battle, look!"
The mountains moved again, this time they could see where it was pulling itself from the mountain and taking with it was a another huge boulder.
"Well bless me," Bofur said in amazement as the creature began to heave its weapon, "the legends are true; giants, Stone Giants!"
The giant made a sound, similar to a sort of wail, as it threw the boulder at another giant that was peeking from behind the company. It hit its target with fair precision, right square in the head, and knocked the giant down.
"Take cover!" Thorin called as he and the dwarves hung onto the to mountain, Zee and Jackie nearly cut up their hands from gripping the mountain's rocks.
"Hold on!" Dwalin shouted again as the already narrow path crumbled even more so than before, this was making things worse for the struggling company.
Just then, the piece of mountain they were on started to move, splitting apart between Fili and Kili. The brothers tried to reach for each other but the split between them grew too wide. The company was split in half thanks to the giant they were unknowingly on.
"We're on one!?" Zee shrieked, clutching onto the rock for dear life. At the moment, all remembrance of the book and movie were forgotten in her panic. "Oh what's next!?"
The giant, who was sitting at first, stood but was knocked down by a giant headbutting it. The knees of the stone creature swung toward the mountain, everyone was already thinking that this could be their final moments. Thorin's side of the company took notice that when they crashed into the mountain they happened upon the path again and quickly went to it for safety before the giant could move. If they didn't hurry off of the giant's knees then they would be smashed into the sharp rocks or fall to their untimely demise. That was no honorable way to die.
The two giants began their own fist fight with Fili's half still on the one's knee. Next to their screams, Zee's screeching could be heard and she probably woke the dead. The giant they were on swung at his foe but missed, being given an undercut instead. Another giant threw a boulder at the head the same giant's head, knocking it off right above Thorin's half of the group.
The body of the giant began to crumble, the part where the remaining members still held on swung past Thorin and Zee could be heard screaming a threat to Thorin.
"I blame you for this, Thorin Oakenshield!" She shouted to Thorin as the body of the giant finally crashed down, the knee smashing into the mountain on the pathway. They braced for impact, they assumed they were going to die like this.
When the knee finally collided with the mountain, Thorin screamed for his nephew and heir, "No!" The knee moved away, no one was on it and there was no way to tell if there was blood or anything so Thorin hurried over to see for himself.
"No, Fili!" Thorin hurried over as fast as he could, his part of the group following in fear that they may have lost a little over half of their company.
However, they needed to not worry, for Fili and his group were safe from harm. They were banged up and sore but over all they were perfectly fine and alive.
"Let's never do that again.." Zee panted as she hopped off of Bombur, "That was not awesome.."
Jackie also got up from her spot, she had a nasty bruise growing on her left arm but she would tend to it later. "It could have been worse Zee."
"We're alive!" someone shouted, the reunion of the two sides was joyous for of course a moment.
Bofur looked around in a bit of a panic, "Where's Bilbo?" he asked, "Where's the hobbit?"
Everyone started looking around but it was Zee who peeked over the ledge and saw poor Bilbo danging from it, "Bilbo!" she pointed at where the Hobbit hung on, allowing the others to save him.
Everyone rushed over, all trying to save the the burglar from falling to his death. With the wet rock it was a miracle that Bilbo was holding on for this long. However, Bilbo had slipped and now was a bit further out of reach from the company. Thorin, afraid of losing his only hope of conquering Erebor, leaped down and helped Bilbo to get back up.
Once Bilbo was up on the path with everyone else, Thorin tried to pull himself up but, again, the rock was slick because of the rain. Luckily, Dwalin caught him and was able to pull him back up to safety.
"What a relief," Bofur sighed, "we almost lost our hobbit."
Thorin was quick to turn on Bilbo, who was prepared to apologized for the inconvenience he just caused. "No, that hobbit was lost the minute he left his little hole. He should have never come." And to rub salt into the wound, Thorin added, "He has no place among us."
Zee spared a glance at Bilbo, the unimaginable hurt that was drawn on his face told her everything she needed to know about how he was feeling. She was torn between being quiet and giving Thorin an ass chewing for making the hobbit feel lower than dirt. But, she wouldn't have the time as Thorin and Dwalin found a cave for them to sleep in.
"They must have faced the stone giants." Sam said as she and Gandalf took a break thanks to the rain storm that was starting to let up. They had also stopped because Sam realized that she could feel the fear that Fili was feeling and it bothered enough to hinder their traveling. "Right now, he is still tense and trying to relax."
Gandalf hummed as he listened to Sam describe what was going on, he did not ever intend that Sam be Fili's One but he was grateful for it nonetheless. What really surprised him was how strong of a connection the two now had. If he tried to send her back home, she would be devastated without Fili.
"They're suppose to be attacked by goblins soon." Sam recalled as she leaned against the tree that protected them from the storm, "How are we suppose to make it in time?"
Gandalf stroked his beard, "I was hoping to not have to do this but it would seem I'd need to send us ahead of the company."
"And why didn't you do that before?" Sam asked, it would have so useful if he had done that a while ago instead of making her walk how many miles or leagues or whatever!
"It will take much of my energy to do so." Gandalf explained, "At least if I do it now, I will still be of some use in a confrontation with Goblins."
"Okay, I'll take that." Sam smiled as she also decided that she too had to help out the wizard, if this weakened him too much. "So whatcha need to do?"
"Just take my hand," He said as he extended his hand toward her, "and close your eyes."
"Uh...okay..." Sam took his hand and did as he had asked, she would not defy him since he should know what he's doing. "Nothing bad is gonna happen right?"
"It shouldn't."
"It shouldn't?" Why did that sound like a fifty/fifty deal there?
When Zee woke up it was because she heard shuffling from Bilbo, who was sleeping not even a dwarf away from her. He was quickly packing his things and it seemed like he was going to try to abandon them.
Zee would have said something but Bofur, who was half ass keeping watch, stopped the hobbit instead, "Where do you think you're going?" Bilbo had pause and cringed at being caught.
The hobbit turned to Bofur, "Back to Rivendell." He told the dwarf in a hushed tone, his expression stated that he was through with dwarves.
Bofur scurried up to his feet, "You can't turn back now, you're part of the company." Bofur told him, it's actually sad to heard Bofur try to convince Bilbo to stay. "You're one of us."
Bilbo scoffed, "Oh am I?" Bofur was completely taken back by that, "Thorin said I shouldn't have come and he was right."
Thorin now also began to stir a bit, hearing the conversation as well and feeling some remorse as he listened intently.
"I'm not Took I'm a Baggins, I don't know what I was thinking." Bilbo gently let his walking stick touch the ground, "I should have never run out my door."
Bilbo turned to leave but Bofur insisted, "You're home sick, I understand-"
"No you don't!" Bilbo snapped, "You don't understand, none of you do! You're dwarves, you're use to this life, to living on the road, never staying in one place, and never belonging anywhere!"
Bofur gave Bilbo a stoical look, Zee nor Thorin could tell if he was hurt or sad, or anything, It did, however, show Bilbo that his words hit a nerve with the usually cheerful dwarf.
"I-I'm sorry." Bilbo became uncomfortable with the gaze he was getting and cleared his throat.
"No, you're right." Bofur said as he took in the honest words, he turned to look at the company who was still sleeping. "We don't belong anywhere."
Bilbo felt a bit ashamed for speaking what he had said, no matter what had happened to him, Bilbo knew he shouldn't have ever said that.
"I wish you all the luck in the world." Bofur's words had surprised Bilbo a bit and the friendly pat on the back as well. "I really do." Bilbo returned the kind smile he was given and prepared to leave until Bofur noticed that his sword was doing something strange.
Bilbo looked at his sword, pulling it out he saw that it was glowing blue. Remembering what Gandalf had told him about how it was of elvish make and it would glow blue if orcs or goblins were near, Bilbo's eyes grew wide in fear.
Thorin, who also knew what it meant, noticed that there was a line drawing itself on the sandy cave floor. "Wake up!" He shouted.
Zee was the only one to be fully awake as the floor gave way, two doors beneath the group opened and the company tumbled down a hole into a fire lit city full of goblins. They were caught in a trap, why was this adventure one hindrance after another?
The goblins hurried over to where the company was, pulling and yanking them out of the little mouse trap. The dwarves didn't take to be so roughly handled and took to trying to fight off the ugly creatures.
"Stay in the middle!" Gloin hissed to Zee and Jackie, "Goblins love to eat women!"
"Great!" Zee hissed back sarcastically, how many creatures in middle-earth loved to eat women?
While the company was busy fighting off the creatures, still being dragged away to wherever, no one noticed that Bilbo had managed to hide himself. He watched silently as the company disappeared around a corner then tried to follow, only to come face to face with a lone goblin.
Sam and Gandalf appeared on the other side of the mountain, near another entrance that would lead to the city beneath the mountain.
"They have to be in there already." Gandalf said as he took a look into the cave, "the sun will be rising soon."
"But," Sam countered, knowing that Gandalf was counting on the sunlight. "it's gonna take time to get in there and out."
"True.." he sighed, "And not to mention that Azog had sent out a bounty for Thorin's head."
"Oh yeah," Sam groaned as she propped herself against the wall, "we're just in for some shit aren't we?"
Gandalf didn't answer her, instead he merely entered the cave with her in tow. She didn't mind though, after all it was dark where they were going and she would get lost even if the narrow path went in one direction only.
"So do you have a plan?" Sam asked, "I mean, we can't just waltz in there."
"Don't worry Sam," Sam could hear the smile he was carrying, "we'll be fine getting in."
"Just getting in?" So then that meant he had nothing for getting out? Well, she expected that since the movie showed a chaotic escape. "Alright." Sam focused on mentally preparing herself for what was to come. She didn't want to accidentally hurt any of the company, even with what control she had. She had one hope though, Zee better not aim at the wrong person during all this chaos.
"Your ice will be most useful." Gandalf told her, "The paths they have are narrow and are no more than mere ledges and makeshift bridges."
"That's not what is bothering me." Sam told the wizard, "It's Zee, she absolutely hates the goblins! The king especially!"
"Ah, I can believe that."
The goblins pushed the company toward a huge goblin who was hacking and coughing, looking like he was the living embodiment of every disease possible. Heavily obese with warts, boils, scabs, almost rotting like skin, he was no sight to behold. Everyone was unable to notice the sight of thousands of goblins, all of whom were watching from afar with interest and eager to know what was going to happen to these dwarves.
The dwarves were putting up a fight, even though it was doing little to help them, and Zee was, luckily, too busy trying to blend with the dwarves to make any smart remark. Jackie, however, was confused with the large creature and this strange kingdom. She wasn't the one who knew the book nor movies.
"Zee," she whispered, she made sure to keep her head down as they were pushed and shoved. "what is this place?"
"The Goblin Kingdom, "Zee answered back, she hadn't realized that Ori, who was behind them, was listening to them. "we're being presented to the Goblin King."
"Was this a part of the story?" Jackie asked but she never got her answer as the company was finally beneath the gaze of the disgusting and vile Goblin King.
Quite literally hopping and stomping off his makeshift throne, the Goblin King eyed the company with suspicion. "Who would be so bold to come armed into my kingdom? Spies? Thieves? Assassins?!"
Zee rolled her eyes, he had the nerve to think that he was worth the effort that would be required to kill him.
"Dwarves, your malevolence." a small goblin said to his king.
"Dwarves?" he looked at them in a rather wannabe threatening way, it really only served to disgust the company more.
"We found them on the front porch."
"Well don't just stand there," The king told them, "search them! Every crack, every crevice."
The goblins started tearing at the dwarves clothes and putting their grimy hands into their pockets to pull out anything they could. One even grabbed Oin's trumpet and smashed it flat. The girls did their best to blend in but it was incredibly hard since these damnable creatures were being touchy. It came to the point that Zee grabbed Jackie and they both laid flat on the floor. No one noticed and that was exactly what they wanted.
When they were done, the king asked, "What are you doing in these parts?" None of the dwarves answered him, no way they were compromising their quest. "Speak!"
Still no one spoke a word, not even a whisper was heard among the dwarves.
"Very well!" The king decided, "If they will not talk, we'll make them squawk!"
The crowd of goblins cheered with sheer delight, torture was always their favorite game when it came to visitors.
"Bring up the Mangler, bring up the Bone Breaker!" he told the crowds, he turned and pointed at Ori, "Start with the youngest!"
"OH HELL NAW!" Zee jumped up from the floor, forgetting that she was suppose to be hiding, and her wannabe ghetto side came. "THERE AIN'T NO WAY YOU BE TOUCHIN' MY CARDIGAN LOVING NERD!"
All the dwarves turned and looked at Zee, while it was flattering to Ori that she cared about him, the fact she just sold herself out just greatly pissed the dwarves off. Luckily, Jackie stayed down and moved away from Zee to avoid being noticed as well.
Zee looked around, noticing that everyone was looking at her. "What?" she was almost offended that they were not cheering her on but then she looked up at the Goblin King and it finally clicked, "Ah fuck...!"
"A woman?" The king grinned, like the dwarves had warned, goblins found women's flesh to be a delicacy. "Bring her to me!"
The goblins started reaching for Zee, all while she was complaining, "Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me!" she froze in her spot and shouted when one goblin jerked her arm. "STOP TOUCHING ME! I KEEL YOU!"
"Leave her alone!" Kili grabbed the goblin and threw it off the edge. Fili also threw off some other goblins that were reaching for his soon to be sister-in-law. "No one touches her!"
"Defiance!" The king stomped his foot, causing everyone to fall to the floor and accidentally revealing Jackie to the goblins, "Another?! Bring them both!"
"Wait!" The goblins stopped and Thorin came forward.
"Well, well, well." The goblin said in a patronizing tone, "Look who it is. Thorin, son of Thrain, Son of Thror. King under the mountain." The Goblin King mockingly bowed before Thorin.
Thorin just watched with no interest and utter disgust, he knew the mocking tone well.
"Oh!" He added, "But I'm forgetting that you don't have a mountain. And you're not a king, which makes you nobody really."
"The fuck did this fat fucktard say?!" Zee shouted back indignantly.
"How dare this little girl insult a true king!" The Goblin King waved his weird staff at her.
"How dare you insult me with your hideous and horrendous figure but we can't help what the gods give us!" She snapped her fingers in a form of the letter Z, what she dubbed her 'Z snap'. "Am I right!?" she looked at the dwarves, expecting their agreement.
"Bring me that wench-"
Zee gasped in total insult, she puffed out her chest and proudly declared, "Well then! With the power invested in me, I wish for the fleas of a thousand wargs to infest the crotch of this grisly twat before me and may his arms be chopped off so that he cannot scratch it."
Everyone fell silent except for Jackie, who had started crying from laughing too hard. Zee turned to Jackie and also began to laugh, the insult used had been inspired from a picture Jackie had found on Instagram and had been something Zee wanted to say to someone for a long time.
"Z-Zee!" Fili and Kili looked at the two, they partially wanted to laugh but the image was too disgusting. "You're not helping yourself here!"
"They are not your first priority," Thorin told the Goblin King, putting himself in front of Zee. Sam would have his head if he didn't try to protect her friends and also they were part of the company, treated well among the dwarves .
The Goblin King scoffed, "I know someone who would pay a pretty price for your head." he smiled at Thorin. "Just a head, nothing attached."
Thorin gave him still an insulted look but also confused, he could not recall who could want his head but then again, Gandalf mentioned it too a while back. When they first met at the Prancing Pony in Bree, it was a bounty written in black speech if Thorin remembered correctly.
"Perhaps you know of whom I speak." The Goblin King eased back, his grin widening with glee. "An old enemy of yours. A pale orc, astride a white warg."
Thorin refused to believe that it was true, it couldn't be true! "Azog The Defiler was destroyed, he was slain in battle long ago!" He had to have killed Azog, if he didn't kill that damn orc then his grandfather's soul was not at rest nor has it been since that day.
The Goblin King smiled, "So you think his defiling days are done do you?" Turning to his little messenger he chuckled, "Send word to the pale orc. Tell him that I have found his prizes."
The messenger quickly scribbled down the message and swung off to send it to the orc. He surely wasn't that far off since he was heard to be near the mountain.
"Gandalf this is fucking dark!" Sam whispered, the dark was something that Sam was greatly afraid. "Do something!" She knew he could use his staff as a flashlight! She's seen it in the movies!
"It will ruin everything." he whispered back, just after he spoke they heard a whizzing noise above them. It was the little messenger goblin on his little swing.
"That's the messenger." Sam gasped, "They're already sending word to Azog!"
"And if he's going this way then Azog must be close." Gandalf grabbed Sam's hand again, "It may drain what energy I have left but, we must teleport to the throne room."
"Will you be able to still fight?" Sam asked worriedly, she was still going to let him do what he wanted but she needed to know just in case. She didn't want to pressure him to fight the goblins if he couldn't.
"It's only magical energy I'll be losing, I'll still be able to fend for myself, though not for long." Gandalf tightened his grip, "Are you ready?"
Sam nodded, "Yeah, so a big, bright ball of light then attack?" Just so she was aware of what was happening and not out of the loop.
"Yes, don't use your fire but your ice will be fine." he smiled back at her even though she wouldn't be able to see it. "Remember to close your eyes."
"Okay but, don't let anything bad happen or I will kill you myself." Sam grinned, pleased with her empty threat, and listened to his command, "Or Zee will do it for me." Or Fili if he managed to survive whatever chaos was coming, but Zee was a more reliable defender.
"I have no doubt!" Gandalf expected the response as the two girls were quite abnormally threatening. Makes one wonder how they became friends with the quiet Jackie but, then again, that probably was what intrigued the quiet one.
"Let's save those insufferable dwarves!" Sam grinned, sure it was an insult but what did she care?
So the flea of a thousand wargs and grisly twat comment are a bit much to say but I did not invent those sayings. The grisly twat came from my mother's friend who had called a business rival that, The fleas came from a photo that originally said "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotches of my enemies and may their arms be too short to scratch them."
TurnerzNikes has been waiting to use such insults so I figured that everyone needed to see her at her finest!