The Manic Adventure Of Sam, Zee, and Jackie

Chapter 15: The Bathing Incident

The company had traveled for a while, they hadn't counted the days since Carrock. They had been too tired to care about counting and whatnot. Truth be told, the company really just need a long bath. The dwarves reeked of sweat and gunk from their travels, the girls were so disgusted with all the muck on their skin that more than once they had resorted to trying to scratch at the dirt on their arms.

"Ew." Zee said with each scratch she made, "Ew. Ew, EEWW!"

Sam was vigorously scrunching the roots of her hair, she hated when her hair got so oily that her hands would have a sheen of oil from rubbing it. "Oh my god!" Sam whined loudly, "This sucks!"

Jackie was muttering and cursing in Spanish as she furiously rubbed her face with her already filthy shirt. "¡hijo de puta!" she swore, her sun kissed skin was turning a bright red from her scratching.

Oin had to tend to the girls, giving some ointments to Zee and Jackie for their irritated skin. It was tiring as those two gave themselves new wounds daily.

"Will you please stop that!" Thorin snapped at the trio, "It's absolutely bothersome."

Each girl froze, Sam still had her hands in her hair, Zee still gnawing at her arm, and Jackie had her shirt over her nose like an innocent assassin.

"Shut the fuck up, Thorny." Sam grumble like a five year old.

"Piss off, Royal Arse." Zee growled at the king.

Jackie, being the most innocent, just said, "Huh?"

Thorin stared back in utter offense toward the two names Sam and Zee called him. He wanted to demand that they respect him as king but then he might get more insulting names in return. "Fili, deal with your woman and her companions."

"Thorin, deal with the stick up your ass and the prickles that accompany it." Zee mimicked his accent and tone, "You're speaking about said women like they are things."

Thorin ignored Zee and Fili and Kili did come to the trio to help keep them from their fidgeting. Of course, they had absolutely no luck there.

"Please tell me we can bathe soon!" Sam and Zee shouted at the brothers when they were asked to stop again. "Then we'll stop." they added in a whisper.

Gandalf, out of annoyance, disappeared from the group and where he went was unknown to all. All that could be assumed was that he also had enough of the girls' incessant fussing.

"How can you dwarves stand this being this filthy!" Zee hissing as she as she started rubbing her hands on her wounds, "You're so disgusting!"

"Life on the road requires sacrifices of certain privileges." Balin explained as he walked past the girls, "You'll get use to it eventually."

Sam and Zee gave the older dwarf a glare and mumbled, "No." If they didn't get a bath soon they would probably end up bathing in the dwarves' blood.

When Gandalf had returned he made mentioning of a river that the girls could use for a bath. In their eagerness for any water that could rid them of this funk, the girls squealed in delight and almost rushed to find the river when Gandalf had added that they needed guards.

"Really?" Zee asked, she was not fond of the idea of a dwarf being near enough to peek. "This is not awesome."

"But it is necessary." Gandalf told her, "This is the wild and there are men who will try to hurt you if they see you."

Sam grabbed Zee's shoulder to prevent her from saying anything else, "We need a bath dude, I could give a rat's ass over a few guards."

"Fine." Zee sighed, giving in, "But they can't peek!"

"Not like they want to." Jackie told the brunette as she headed in the direction of the river, "If anyone's peeking, it's gonna be Fili because he's never seen Sam-"

Sam, out of shock and embarrassment, punch Jackie in the head and dragged her and Zee to the river and away from the company. Why was it that Jackie was starting to be as blunt as Zee now?! They were influencing Jackie far too much, pretty soon she wasn't going to the innocent nor logical one anymore.

When the girls arrived at the river, the crystal clear water called to them all. They all knew the water was going to be freezing, something Sam normally hate as she loved hot baths and showers, but their condition of filth had them not caring of temperature at all. Besides, it was a hot day.

"Off with the clothes!" Zee said as she hurried to get undress, tripping over her own clothes. "Damn it! I said OFF!"

Sam and Jackie were much more kinder to their clothes, taking time to remove them so that they don't accidentally rip. Of course, being still a bit self conscious, the two decided for one to go in first and look away until the other was submerged in the water.

"It's actually not that bad." Sam said, as she swam around a bit, "It's not too cold."

"Yeah.." Jackie agreed, swimming around a bit as well, "Wait, it's awfully quiet. Where's Zee?"

The two girls looked around, seeing no sign of their friend until...

"CANNON BALL!" Zee ran toward the river, stark naked, and Sam and Jackie immediately swam away as she prepared to jump in. The splash from her jump was rather impressive , submersing Jackie and Sam under water for only a minute. "That was awesome."

Sam came up from under the waves and coughed, "A warning would have been nice!"

"I did give a warning!" Zee argued as she gather some sand from the bank to use as a sort of loofah sponge, "You two need better reflexes."

Sam ignored that comment and got to work on cleaning her hair, submerging herself several times and scratching off all the dirt and grim as best as she could. She would kill for a bottle of shampoo and soap.

"This is too quiet." Sam hear Zee say when she came up for air, "We need music!"

"Music?" Jackie laughed, "How? None of us have our IPods or IPhones in your case."

"Samantha!" Zee grinned, pointing at Sam like a little kid demanding a certain object. "You can sing better than me, sing for us!"

Sam blushed and shook her head, "No way! I can't sing!"

Zee glared at Sam, "Yes you can, better than me anyways." Zee put on a puppy dog face and pleaded sweetly, "Pwease?"

"No." Sam shook her head and returned to washing her hair, unaware that Zee had a back up plan that was sure to get the girl to sing.

"You know Sam," Zee said smugly when Sam came up again, "I wonder if Fili knows of what lovely ladies you have on your chest."

Sam froze where she was, if there was one thing Sam was self conscious of was her chest size but not in a way most girls were. She disliked that they were a bit on the busty side and still growing for that matter, leave it to a devious Zee to use that against her.

"Maybe I should cause a panic so he can see!" Zee grinned wickedly, "Unless, of course, you decide to sing..."

Sam glared over at Zee, "I hate you so much." Sam took in a deep breath and sighed, "Alright fine."

"Yay!" Zee clapped her hands while Jackie just shook her head, it was always best to stay out of Sam and Zee little spats. "No Frozen songs!"

Sam groaned, "Those were the only songs I really know though!"

Zee stood firm by her order, "You sung a Tangled song for Jackie if my memory served right, which one was it?"

Sam silently swore that she was going to murder Zee next time she pulled an evil trick like this again, sometimes she felt like her mother's partial humoring of Zee turned her into a slight brat.

By the time Sam had been allowed to stop singing, they had just finished drying their clothes from their quick wash. They were going to put on dirty clothes when they were clean or, at least, clean of some degree.

"Man, I feel so much better!" Zee said as she stretched her arms above her head, "I feel like a woman again."

Sam shook her head and headed back to the small camp the dwarves made for the stop, Jackie and Zee were a bit tied up with Zee's corset that the elves gave her.

"Hello everyone!" Sam chirped when she came into their line of sight, "How are you all?"

Bofur smiled back at her, giving her a toothy grin, "At least you're out before they could do anything!"

"What?" Sam asked, entirely confused, "What are you talking about Bofur?"

Bofur refused to explain further and none of the other dwarves seemed to wanna talk either. Sam eventually noticed that Bilbo was doing a mighty fine job looking as nervous as can be. Actually, Bilbo and Ori were both being rather fidgety in their little corner.

"Bilbo, Ori." They both cringed when she said their names, "What is Bofur talking about?"

They stayed absolutely silent, she could see where they would risk a glance at the rest of the company and just as quickly look away.

"He's talking nonsense!" Ori told her nervously, "It's nothing.."

"Ori, I don't appreciate being lied to." She let her tone darken a bit, she hated having to use this tone with him but, it was that only ways she'd get anything.

"We tried to stop them!" Ori and Bilbo finally cracked, "We tried, we swear!"

"Traitors!" Dwalin growled at them, the other dwarves were in shock as two of their companions broke so easily to Sam.

"Stop who?" Sam asked, "Stop who from what?"

"Fili and Kili are gonna pull a prank on you, Zee, and Jackie." Bilbo explained hurriedly, "They found a snake and-"

"GOD DAMN IT!" They heard Zee scream, "WHERE THE FUCK DID THE SNAKE COME FROM?!"

Sam glared at the obviously guilt company who were letting out belly laughs, "You let them do that?"

"Just a little prank." Nori muttered a bit, hoping to not feel her wrath of ice and fire.

"Well then," Sam sighed, she really didn't want to deal with this. She was not a mother to any of these dwarves but it seemed like they'd be needing that type of figure head at this point. "I'll have to have a word with Fili and I'll just have to let Zee punish you guys however she sees fit."

"What?!" The dwarves groaned, with her powers, who could know what she'd do to them. "You can't be serious!"

Sam looked at them funny, now she realized how much their whining rubbed off on the dwarves. "Are we really that annoying?" She asked teasingly, earning glares from the dwarves as she headed off to find her fiance and soon-to-be brother-in-law.

She found them just a bit a ways from the snake event, trying hard not to laugh too loud. She waited a minute, letting them think they got away with their little crime until she made herself known.

Clearing her throat, the two brother looked at her in shock, "S-Sam!"

"Word of advice: keep poor Bilbo and Ori out of your schemes." She said as she leaned against a tree trunk, "And really? Drop a snake on Zee?"

"We didn't drop it on her!" Kili countered but he seemed to have re-thought that, "Well, not intentionally drop it on her."

"Uh huh." Sam smiled, "Kili, why not go back to the camp. I need to speak with your brother for a moment."

Kili nodded and hurried off, he was a bit afraid that Sam had some evil plot already planned should he refused. When she was sure Kili was gone, Sam turned to Fili.

"Seriously sir?" she asked, "It better have not been poisonous."

"Of course not Âzyungâl," Fili assured her with a grin, "In fact, it was beyond harmless."

"Unlike Zee's wrath, should she find out who dropped it on her." Sam reminded him with a laugh, "Don't pull a prank like that again, you're lucky I wasn't involved or I would personally let her throttle you."

'Throttle me?" He asked curiously, "I'm assuming that means something like punching me right?"

"More like strangling you to death." She corrected with a grin, "And good luck trying to tell her that the snake was harmless."

Fili laughed there, if any of Sam's arguments with Zee said anything it was that Zee would see death if a fly came and hit her in the face.

"So," Sam's voice darkened a bit, "Since we're actually alone..."

"You want to talk about that now?" Fili asked, he knew she promised to talk with him when they were alone but now? Anyone, mainly Thorin or Kili could listen in if they wanted to.

"I figured from how mad you were at me it would be best to so when an opportunity presented itself." She came closer to Fili, "Are you still mad at me for letting go of your hand that night?"

Fili sighed and nodded, "I am a bit, I wasn't prepared for you to do that."

"I am really sorry for scaring you like that," Sam really felt awkward but she needed to this over with, rip it off like a band-aid. "I wish I could have told you what was going to happen but-"

"Actually," Fili interrupted her, "I do want to know what you're hiding from me."

"But I told you I couldn't."

"So?" He asked, "You put yourself in unnecessary danger, even if you knew the eagles were coming I didn't know and I thought I was going to lose you."

"Fili-"

"No Sam, I need to know." He took her hands and added, "Âzyungâl, if anything happened to you I'd die, you know that already, don't make me suffer like you did that night."

Oh, how Sam hated guilt trips. "I can't promise to tell you everything yet." she sighed, "But, we'll be housing with a skin changer named Beorn, he doesn't like dwarves so you and Kili must be on you best behavior."

Fili nodded, not grasping entirely what she said but enough to ask again, "And I'm assuming we're staying a while?"

"Depends.." Sam told him, "One night or a week, very least. And he doesn't eat animals because they're his friends."

"I see." she noticed that his lip twitched a bit, "You know, I realized something right now."

"What's that?" Sam asked, completely on guard for something to happen.

"You said that our journey was a book correct?"

"Yeah."

"Which makes the company characters right?"

"Yup."

"Was I your favorite?"

Sam blushed, actually her favorite character use to be Kili. In fact she had a bit of a crush on Kili because of the Peter Jackson movies but it eventually switched to Fili after she decided that Kili was too playful for her. But there was no way she'd tell Fili that!

"I-I never really read the book.." She admitted, "I learned of the story from an old cartoon and then my mom told me the story. I got my knowledge from other forms of media but I always wanted to read it myself."

"I don't know what some of the things you said are but I did ask if I was your favorite character."

"I had three favorites." She partially lied, she did have three favorites at one point. "You, Kili, and Thorin."

"In that order?" he laughed a bit, "I see, so how about we go back to the camp. Thorin said we were leaving when you girls finished."

"Then we're late." She smiled, "Let's go before he hunts us down."

"As you wish Âzyungâl." he smiled and took her hand so that he could lead her back to camp, "And also, we've never shared a kiss yet have we?"

More of a filler chapter but I thought it would be funny. There are still typos, my editor had got some and I corrected a few but, knowing me, there are more. So now we've reached Desolation of Smaug and I always figured that more events will unfold here than in Unexpected Journey. Obviously, expect there to be more fluff between Sam and Fili and some probing into Thorin's personal life, cause we all wanna know if he lives in the Rainbow Side of life!