The Manic Adventure Of Sam, Zee, and Jackie

Chapter 19: Thorin's Internal Conflict

A/N: So what you are about to read about Sam toward the middle/end of this chapter is what is really happening to me right now. And I know that many readers are going to tell me I'm overreacting/being selfish and maybe I am but I'm hurt and I do feel greatly betrayed. This chapter was a way to vent without calling my best friend and telling her she's lousy friend and that I hate her, which will cause even more drama than what's already happening. Also, due this mess, I'm so mad at her that it bothers me to write her name/nickname so I'll be refraining from writing this story until this mess is cleared up.

Warning: Again, because of what's happening, I'm not talking to my best friend, AKA my editor, so this chapter is unedited. If you find mistakes please do inform me so I can fix it.

Thank you for your understanding and I wish everyone a Happy New Year.

~Michelle Lacie Kat

Sam wandered the land that was Beorn's wonderful garden, it was much more warming that the elves' flowers in her opinion. They were more of honey gold, light pinks, soft violets, and whatnot, the colors were not blinding. Surely Bilbo would have already explored the gardens over a thousand times by now. If Sam recalled correctly, Beorn had offered to give Bilbo some seeds when the hobbit made his way back to the Shire.

"I see you, too, admire plant life." Sam jumped a bit before relaxing at the rumbling of the voice, it was only Thorin who was being a sneaky little cat.

"It's very pretty and way better to look at than the tumbleweeds we see on the road." Sam shrugged, turning toward the king with a smile, "Whatcha up to?"

Thorin approached Sam, breathing in the flowers' scent that wafted through the air, "I've been meaning to ask you a few things about the hobbit.."

"Bilbo?" Sam asked, arching a brow, so Bilbo was still only the hobbit in Thorin's eyes huh? Well, at least it wasn't halfling. "I don't see why you would need to ask me anything about him, he will very well tell you himself."

"That he will." Thorin agreed, "But what I have to ask, I would ask someone who is a close friend of his over himself."

Sam gave him a funny look but didn't ask what he meant, "What is it then?"

Thorin was silent for a minute, he seemed to be processing his own thoughts for a second before finally asking Sam the strangest question anyone had ever asked her. "Do hobbits..fancy other males..?"

As Sam had stated, she was all for gay rights, but never had something like this ever occur in her life. She was completely expecting Thorin to keep his side of the sad romantic tale to himself even once they got to Erebor. "Uh...I believe so.."

"You believe?" Thorin pressed a bit.

"Your question just totally threw me off here, why are you concerned about it?" Sam asked, just because he asked this question did not mean it was what she hoped it meant.

"I've seemed to find myself..." He struggled to find the right word for what he was trying to express, "intrigued by the halfling."

"Intrigued?" Sam pressed back, "Like intimately?"

"If you mean..sexually then...yes..." It sure looked like it was taking more courage for him to say this that it would for him to face Azog.

"Well then," Sam smile, "I can say that Bilbo had mentioned that hobbits do discuss sexuality so I'm sure that they are open to this."

"And Bilbo..has he ever..?"

"I doubt it." Sam shrugged her shoulders a bit, "When I was talking to him about relationships and he seemed too innocent to ever had been in one."

"I agree." Thorin nodded in agreement, "But I'm afraid that I must know, for pride's sake+."

Sam shrugged but knew an implied order when she heard it, "I guess I could ask for you, if you want." She didn't see how that was something he truly needed to know but, then again, dwarves were creatures of pride. It probably, somehow, would damage Thorin's pride if Bilbo had an affair with another hobbit.

"I would normally ask Nori or Ori but I could see catastrophe happening if they were left in charge of this." Thorin sighed, apparently some of the dwarves had already started noticing a bit of romantic intentions that Thorin had been, unknowingly, displaying. Nori had already started taking bets and the only ones to not get involved with this was Balin, Dwalin, and Dori.

"I'm glad you came to me if they were going to be your choices." Sam laughed, "I'm not trying to be a bitch when I say that those two would fail, Nori is far too boastful and Ori can't keep a secret to save his life."

Thorin smiled a bit, giving a small laugh, "I'm glad I came to you too, I hadn't actually thought about that part." He was telling the truth, he was afraid that Nori would make him pay for the information and threaten to tell the other dwarves. As for Ori, well, the kid's choice in a role model said enough.

"But I must ask," Sam leaned on her left foot a bit, "if you are infatuated with Bilbo does that make him your One?"

Thorin looked away for a minute then nodded, "It does."

Sam noted the sort of sadness in his voice, "You don't sound too happy..."

Thorin stared at a tree near by and remained quiet for what seemed like an eternity, "It's not that I'm ashamed of my One but a piece of me, some voice in my head, is repulsed."

Sam was taken back by that completely, a piece of Thorin's mind is repulsed at the knowledge of Bilbo has a permanent place in his heart? Could that be the sickness? She could see that it was physically affecting him but she hadn't thought it was affecting his mental self this much already. The sickness was moving much too fast for her comfort.

"Actually, I've been feeling this way for a while since we were on Carrock." Thorin admitted softly, "As soon as I saw Erebor in the distance, this voice had been pestering me."

Sam stared down at the king, he was afraid of this voice more than he cared to admit. And he had good reason to be, her suspicions of the sickness were totally confirmed and now she was fearing that it would rule over the king by the time they reached Lake-Town.

"I do not want to end up like my grandfather." Thorin spoke in a low whisper, it almost was like he was talking to himself. "I cannot allow this to interfere with this journey."

Sam found that the defeat on Thorin's face was actually very heart wrenching and she wished that he didn't need to make that face. "Sicknesses tend to overtake those with little will power Thorin, just...try to be strong and hopefully you can overcome it."

"Is that all I can really do?"

"It's all anyone can do for you now, Thorin." Sam nodded sadly, "This isn't something a mush of herbs can cure, you, and you alone, must fight it. All anyone of the company can do is support you but I can tell already that you're hiding it from them."

"This is a weakness.."

"This is serious Thorin." Sam scolded the king, "Thorin, I cannot support you alone."

Thorin looked away and ordered coldly, "You will not speak of this to anyone, not even to Fili."

"You're telling me to keep this a secret, even from your heir and my One? Listen to yourself Thorin!" Sam almost cried, Thorin was failing himself, failing his people, right in front of her.

"Just don't." He glared over his shoulder, "I can't let them know, I can't let them see that I am this weak."

Sam looked at her feet before stating, loud enough for him to hear, "It is not a weakness Thorin, everyone suffers their own illness."

Thorin stopped in his own track and listened to Sam and her most darkest and selfish confession. "Before we came upon you guys, Zee and I were going through a rough time. Zee never noticed it, or maybe she ignored it, but I hated her for hurting my feelings and breaking my trust in her..."

Sam explained that her third older brother and Zee had been secretly considering having a relationship and Sam found out about it. Even Sam admitted that the general idea of the two people she loved having that kind of relationship repulsed her but the fact they were hiding it and taking her for a fool was what shattered her trust in either of them.

"I felt betrayed, they thought it was better that I didn't know, they were afraid I'd freak out. I think anyone would be a bit bothered to find that their best friend, their closest confidant, was wanting a relationship with your older sibling but, eventually I would have gotten over it."

"But because they were hiding it and lying to you, you didn't have it in you to forgive them did you?" Thorin realized why she was telling him this, her memories of pain was her illness, her weakness. She didn't trust easily and for her, this was a slap in the face that didn't help her. His words of weakness brought back horrible memories for her.

"When Zee tried apologizing for not considering how I would react I told her I hated her and that I wished that we never met. I refused to speak to her for weeks, no matter how many times she tried to talk to me I never let her back in my life." Sam stared at the tree that Thorin had looked at earlier, she didn't want to look at Thorin's blue eyes. "I let her back in my life eventually, but I never trusted her like I did before. In fact, I still haven't forgiven her."

"But you still call her your sister." Thorin reminded her, " You laugh with her, smile at her.."

"I let her think we're still like sisters but..." Sam finally shared eye contact with Thorin, "I never looked at her like a sister since then. I just couldn't, I trusted her so much, she knew very well that her hiding this was going to hurt me and, yet, she still did it."

Thorin saw the hurt in her eyes, saw the damage that still coursed through her. "Why do you let think you're okay?"

Sam shrugged and sighed, "I think she does know I'm still hurt but never brings it up. I have made it obvious that I don't trust her as much anymore but she still acts the same."

"And Jackie?"

"She is completely aware and she's the reason I still talk to Zee." Sam hugged herself, "It was selfish on my part but I've been used, lied to, and abuse all my life. I thought she was different from those people who destroyed a good part of me."

Thorin looked at the ground, now it made sense why Sam could be shy one minute and the next she had the fire of a dragon. He could see why she had moments of hesitation and why she tended to easily irritable. The whole reason Sam was this way was because she was just as conflicted as he was.

"We share demons of the past," Thorin told her softly, "and you must give me some trust if you were willing to tell me this."

"I suppose..." Sam admitted softly.

"Then I will try my best to not let you down." He smiled at her, "And you should try to give Zee a second chance as your sister."

Sam looked at him in shock but soon returned the smile, "I'll try...Thank you Thorin."