Title: I've Got to Hurt You to Help You

Summary:

The Road to hell is paved with good intentions. Nobody knows that better than Winona Kirk.

After George dies she has to make sure that her boys won't suffer the same fate. She'll tear down the galaxy to accomplish her goal, but somehow it's easier to just tear apart her boys and raise them up stronger from the rubble.

She was a good mother.

She loved her kids.

But somewhere in the path of parenthood something went wrong. After George died the universe didn't seem like a vast place to explore with one surprise waiting around each corner. Instead all she can think of is the dangers. George died because he was expecting something that didn't exist. There are no beneficent creatures waiting to make contact or discoveries to be made. There is no utopia to be created. All that's left is danger and death and those that venture into space aren't going to offer protection to alien races, but instead to find out what they need to protect themselves against.

Starfleet will not allow itself to fall to another.

And Winona will not allow her boys too either.

She can't afford to lose them too.

They're all she has left.

The boys are young when she meets Frank. Jim is so small that years later he won't be able to remember a time without Frank. Frank is brash, loud, arrogant, and sometimes he can be somewhat cruel. In other words he's everything that George wasn't. As she watches him around Sam she notices that he is rough and impatient, part of her almost calls things off then. But as she watches her boys sleep and stares at the data Padd filled with pictures of George she think maybe Frank will be good for them. He won't let them grow soft; he won't let them be weak.

XXXX XXXXX

Part of her wants to stay at home and watch Sam and Jimmy grow up. But part of her wants to leave, the stars feel more like home than the house her and George once shared. Maybe it's because some of him still lingers in the skies and too much of him is still in Iowa. She can't take seeing her husband's eyes in the face of her younger son. It's like a slap in the face.

She needs to go. Her job keeps her sane, or as sane as she can be since George died. And her boys need her more amongst the stars then they need her on earth. Every moment she spends finding out alien intel, discovering gravity wells….makes the galaxy a little safer. It's the small things but that's what makes all the difference.

After all, if her George had only had a few more moments or the ship more weapons then he would be in her arms and not just her memory.

XXXX XXXX

She's stern with the boys. It'll make them strong.

At least that's the excuse she tells herself when she punishes Sam for yet another infraction of the rules she's set down.

"I didn't do anything, mom." Jimmy says as she grabs him next belt in hand. She ignores his words and tugs his trousers down; he may not have done anything but she doesn't want him getting ideas. Pain will make him remember. Pain will make him care more. Pain will make them all stronger.

After all, look at how it's forged her into something she never thought she could become.

XXXX XXXX

She's gotten to the point where she's obsessive and she knows it. Sam is nine and Kirk is six when she snaps for the first time…or at least the first time she can fully recognize. It's days after Jimmy's birthday and they're re-showing the same documentary over and over again about the Kelvin. She can't take listening to the fake dialogue of her husband and her (which they didn't even get right) for the tenth time.

All she can think about is screaming metal, tears, bodies flying and blood.

She's got to make them strong. They can't die too.

She has a phaser. It's not exactly regulation to carry it outside of work, especially in a rural farm town. But she's not taking chances. She flicks off the Holo screen and grabs the phaser from where it's digging into her hip in the pocket of her pyjamas.

"Boys, get down here."

Thundering footsteps start down the steps…Jim…she thinks idly. The footsteps quiet and she hears a voice whisper. "Be quiet or mom will be mad." That one is Sam.

They both come into view and stand in front of her expectantly. Sam hesitates looking at the phaser, and then back to his mother whose hair is a mess and has a blotchy tear streaked face. "Yes Ma'am, you wanted us?"

She nods, and flips the phaser setting up to a heavy stun. It's time her boys experienced this, its time they know what it feels like. It's time they learn fear, the kind of fear that will save their lives. She's doesn't want to do it but sometimes you have to hurt to help. Starfleet has taught her that, a pre-emptive strike to prevent worse carnage.

"We're going outside."Sam follows and Jimmy does too.

Her youngest is always the most curious and as they stop in the yellowish grass he asks. "What's the phaser for mom?"

She doesn't answer his question; Instead, she crouches down so she's almost level to him and Sam. Sam stares back at her a tad worried, but Jimmy's eyes are innocent. She hates that sight. Somebody, something will take the trust from his eyes and put fear instead and if somebody has to do it, she needs to be the one. She grips the phaser tightly as she addresses Sam and Jimmy. "You know I'd never hurt you right?"

Jimmy nods vigorously. Even after all this time he still trusts her, or maybe he just pretends he does. Sam hesitates sensing something is wrong. "Mom, let's just go back in. Me and Jimmy will go upstairs and be quiet I promise and you can…"

Her hand flashes out before she can stop herself leaving pink handprint on his cheek, halting his words. Sam looks shocked and Jimmy looks like he's going to cry. Tears drip down his nose and Sam still being the big brother tries to intervene. He roughly whispers. "Jimmy stop crying."

But Winona's already seen. Tears are weakness, and weakness isn't allowed in her sons. She grips her Jimmy's shoulders hard enough that there will be bruises in the morning. "Crying get's you nowhere. Stop it, stop it!" She yells the words and somehow Jimmy manages to sniffle the tears back.

Sam is rigid staring at her. His jaw is set with fury and the mark from her hand stands out clearly on his face. Jimmy's face is still red, but now they both look fearful. Winona stands and backs a few feet away.

"Stand still." She raises the phaser and Sam steps in front of Jimmy.

"Mom, what's going on? Please, stop—"

He never gets to finish the words instead she fires, and Sam crumples. Jimmy stands there confused, and starts to cry again. Nevertheless, even as tears are falling he reaches for Sam and tries with his six-year-old frame to grab his brother and pull him along. The weight is too much. By the time he decides to run, it's too late. Winona stuns him too.

She never forgets the look in his eyes as he falls back against the grass. He's terrified.

The phaser falls from her hands. And she wants to cry, but she has to do this.

They have to know fear to be fearless.

She takes them both in the house and waits for them to wake up. Sam is first and then Jim. But such small bodies were never meant to take such energy. She nurses them back to health, cleaning up puke from headaches, spoon feeding them the broth that's the only thing they can keep down, and laying cool cloths on aching brows. It takes Sam 2 days to recover physically and in some ways he never quite does. The trust is broken.

Jimmy takes 3 days and after that, he forgives her. "I'm sorry I was bad mommy. I promise I won't be bad again or Sam." He seems all too ready to forget the incident. She doesn't want him to forget. She doesn't want him to forgive. He's too much like George, too gentle, too nice, too self-sacrificial, and she wants to take that from him…It's the only way she can be sure he will survive.

Jimmy may be harder to change than his brother but she will harden him just the same.

XXXX XXXX

As time goes on the tests get harder and harder. She never uses heavy stun again but light stun hurts just the same. She makes a game from it, having them dodge the phaser beams, having them learn to evade, to hide, to survive.

She takes them on camping trips and leaves them. They're alone and scared. She can see the fear in their faces as she watches them slowly make their way back to camp. Sometimes it takes a day, sometimes longer, but each time her boys get better. Each time they get stronger. She gives them tests and puzzles. She teaches them how to set snares, speak snatches of alien language, fashion weapons, and fight dirty. She watches them try, fail, and succeed. She teaches them to work through pain.

Frank is a part of their training too, but his is more due to his nature and less to deliberately trying to help on his part. She doesn't interfere when he backhands Sam from something. Or when he yells at Jimmy. It's those little things that toughen them up more.

As Jim grows up it's even harder to stay home. Jimmy dirty blond hair is too reminiscent of his father, his blue eyes are identical, his face is a reminder of what she's lost.

She finally comes back one day to find Jimmy with a busted lip, bruised cheeks and black eye which he staunchly refuses to say how he got. Only two things are clear.

Sam left home.

And Jim drove George's car off a cliff.

Winona has a suspicion from where the bruises might have come now. After all Frank has a temper and Jim is rebellious, but in many ways it's not like she hasn't done worse to Jimmy on her on.

A quick search of her connections turns up that Sam has boarded a shuttle for the Martian colonies. He's young, but he's also a Kirk. She knew she wouldn't keep them with her forever, and at least he's prepared for the world now.

XXXX XXXX

After Sam is gone Jimmy is so much worse. It's like he has to out do anything his brother has ever done. He attempts to burn down the principal's office, picks fights, curses, steals, lies, and the last straw is when he nearly dies racing down a back road.

She can't lose Jimmy. She has to keep him safe, and she can't stand to be around him enough to watch him as she should. It's an act of desperation when she sends him to Tarsus. She convinces herself that it will be good for him. Tarsus is a far out world, unreachable for a large part of each year. It'd be good for Jimmy to have the structure provided by his aunt and uncle and the environment. It'll be good for him to get away from Iowa and Frank.

He hates for sending him there and probably for so many other things. But Winona stills herself and wipes the tears from her face. She stiffens her back as she watches him walk away like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

He's hurt but in the end, the pain will help him.

XXXXX XXXX

She keeps tabs on him at first, but he doesn't really want to talk with her. He's mad and she's busy. Conversation falls by the wayside. She convinces herself that she's not worried when communications fail and the storms are worse than usual around Tarsus. True, other families have got through but communication is sketchy so it's not surprising she hasn't talked to Jimmy in almost a year.

When the news of Tarsus comes out she feels sick, but a part of her is proud. Jimmy survived; he survived a massacre because he was strong. Jimmy is still alive.

When he gets back home she finally sees that although he may be alive it's a close thing.

She hates herself when she sees hears him cry out at night. She promises to do better as she sees the scars on his body. She promises to love him as she watches silent tears fall down his cheeks. And she knows in her heart she's lying to herself.

He's not stronger, he's not better. Tarsus has hardened him, but only in the way that the sun first strengthens and then makes clay crumble. He's breaking apart and she knows it's her fault.

XXXXX XXXX

Sam comes to visit for the first time in years and the accusation is clearly present in his eyes as he looks first from her then back to Jim. It's after Jim has retreated to bed to lie awake in the darkness that her and Sam finally talk.

The air is crisp and cold and so are Sam's words. "How could you?"

Winona doesn't know what to say. How do you tell your living children that , every moment, every decision you made was made thinking about their deaths? How do you admit that you care more about making sure you won't face any more pain than the pain that they endure because of your actions?

Sam turns to her as she doesn't speak and his eyes are hard, harder than any she's ever seen. "How could you fucking do that to him?"

She tries to marshal a defence. "I wanted him to be strong, I wanted the best for him…for you" The words sound so pitiful compared to all that's happened.

Sam laughs, it sounds like glass shattering in the still of the night. "You wanted what was best for you."

It's a slap in the face and Winona feels her cheeks redden but Sam isn't finished. "You've always wanted what was best for you. Did you even bother searching for him? Did you search for me? Did you care when you got home and I was gone all those years ago? Did you care your fucking eleven-year-old drove a car off a cliff? Do you care that you sent him to the planet where he almost died?"

Sam spits the words out and they hurt like venom rushing through her soul. Tears prick her eyes and she wipes them away fruitlessly as more replace them. She thinks about telling Sam about how she has monitored his progress over the years, how she watched out for him calling in favours, smoothing pathways, but she knows that will make no headway. Sam does not want some nameless faceless woman who works from up high; he wants the real tangible mother that was never there.

She thinks about telling him that everything she did was to make them strong but all she can think about is how each and every weakness they have is somehow, someway her fault.

Sam turns and walks away from her. The door to the house slams as he stalks back inside.

And Winona stands on the porch. Cold wind biting into her skin making her shiver, and even colder words chilling her soul.

XXXX XXXX

Jim gets better. He hates being called anything else but Jim since Tarsus, and he won't tell her why but the way his skin seems to crawl when she calls him something else and the words he cries out in his sleep tell her enough.

Space is beckoning to her. She can't stand to be in Iowa anymore and she can't stand to be around Jim.

She hates the thought as soon as it crosses her mind, but it's the truth. Jim is better in mind and body, but not in soul. The nights aren't filled with tears, nightmares, but instead he fills the void with drugs, sex, and booze. She wants to make him stop; she wants to tell him he has potential and can do so much more. However, something stops her every time.

Maybe it's because as long as he stays in Riverside Iowa then at least she knows he's alive. She's already lost Sam. A few months after he visited he dropped off her radar. All she has is rumours in the wind. Some say he's dead. Some say he's alive. As for her, all she knows is that her boy doesn't want her to know him anymore. Jim won't say anything if he knows where Sam is…he just gives her a blank look like he wants to know why she would care.

And that hurts more. As she packs her bags, she kisses Frank and tells him not to be so hard on Jim. Frank grunts in agreement, but she knows he lies. Jim won't say anything but not all his bruises come from adolescent brawls.

She gets a note a short while later. It's brief and to the point. Jim has left. She was half expecting it, she clicks off the comm and sits in the darkness trying to ignore the relief she feels.

What kind of person is waiting to push her children out the nest and see if they will fall or fly ?

XXXX XXXX

It's harder to keep tabs. Sam is alive (as best she can make out). She hears tales about him from the each end of the quadrant. They're both good and bad, but it's clear that her son is a leader... her son is strong.

Jim is harder to watch. He moves too fast, from planet to planet as if nothing can hold him. She gets bits and pieces and what she hears makes her tears fall faster and her guilt rise higher. He's strong, but strong in his own way. He's strong enough to survive things that he shouldn't have too. She tries to find him half-heartedly for the first time on Kalchek prime. A dealer vaguely remembers him " the faces blend together you know?" Even worse the man doesn't care to really try "Think he stopped coming a few days back, kid wouldn't listen when I told him some you can't mix...probably dead."

Winona holds her breath as the man has the audacity to try to sell to her and an array of hypos loaded with some substance are laid out for her. She turns away breathing hard and almost think she spots a familiar face in the crowded market, but a second glance reveals only aliens weaving their way through crammed paths between stalls.

She nearly catches up to him again in some seedy backwater den, the woman she's paid pulls aside some curtains and gestures carelessly to a squalid room strewn with filth. It stinks of drugs, sweat, and sex.

"This was where he was a few days ago, along with a few of the girls and boys" The woman scratches one filthy nail through her straggly hair and then says. "He must have moved on with the others."

Winona wants to question more but the alien woman leans closer, her breath stale as she seems to notice Winona's get-up for the first time. It's not Starfleet regulation but something seems to give her away. "You're not a customer anyway, why do you care what their master does with his boys and girls. Why do you care about the fair haired whore the Orion owns?"

Winona's words are lost as she turns on heel and walks out only hours to late to save her boy. Her stomach churns as she whispers to herself "because he's my son."

She tries to find him a few more times, but after a while, it becomes clear Jim doesn't want to be found...or maybe she just doesn't want to look anymore.

He drops off radar for a while, but even so she still hears stories and knows that some of them are of Jim. Somebody saves a group of people irretrievably stranded on a derelict station in the middle of a graviton minefield. A dilithium mining station is robbed, with no outward sign of a break in. Three Starfleet shuttles are stolen from Star base eight with their un-hackable lock codes laid wide open. Story after story she hears and she wants to believe that only some of them are true.

XXXX XXXX

Frank calls her shortly before she is set to return to earth for yet another time. He's yelling. "That fucking asshole. I'm gonna call the cops if he shows up here one more time. Thought he was gone for good, Win you need to put your—"

Winona clicks off the comm mid rant and smiles and then cries. Jim came back, she's knows it was him without asking, because only he could inspire that much anger in Frank. She wonders if she gets home in time then maybe Jim will still be around, but she knows he won't. He came to see her, after all these years...and yet again she wasn't there.

A few days later, somebody mentions. "So your son joined Starfleet? Congrats Win."

She stops in her tracks and the person continues unaware that their causal statement was the first she knew of the news. Her first thought is How could he?

She doesn't want Jim in space, she doesn't want him risking his life like his father did. However, even as she thinks those thoughts she falters, because what was he doing all these years in space before he joined Starfleet. Is bumming around the galaxy doing god knows what any better?

XXXX XXXX

She keeps tabs on his progress through school, like a watcher from afar, and when the whole situation with Nero comes to a head she watches as Jim emerges victorious. He's the youngest Captain in the fleet; he saved earth and countless lives. He stands there proud as he receives his commission. It's quite possibly the first time that she's ever seen him truly happy.

He looks confident ...he looks strong...He looks like George.

XXXX XXXX

So, it comes as no surprise when she hears about the other things he does. The planets he saves, the missions he accomplishes...and the final sacrificial act in which he dies.

He is his father's son after all.

Only this times he manages to save probably over 8 million lives rather than 800.

She doesn't get the media version, in which Jim is saved from the brink of death by some trial drug. She gets the real version in which he actually dies and has the blood of a mass murderer and homicidal mad man to thank for his miraculous resurrection.

She hasn't seen him in all these years. But finally she has the courage. Jim came back, he didn't die...maybe she can finally open her heart and love him without fearing that he'll leave her like George.

She sneaks into the hospital, and is about to enter his room when she sees movement through the transparent pane in the door.

His room is filled, with people. A dark skinned woman is laughing. A curly haired teen is gesticulating along with a man in a red engineering uniform at some schematic of a ship. A Vulcan stands watching it all, and then Jim says something and just the hint of what could be a smiles surprises Winona by crossing the Vulcan's lips. A young man with a sabre is chatting with Jim and presiding over it all is scowling doctor who seems to be scolding everyone to no effect.

Winona pauses, as she watches her son. He's smiling. He seems at ease, like he's finally found what he's always wanted. As she watches the people around him, she realises that he has. He's found family. Her hand lingers on the door control, unsure if she even belongs in that category to him anymore.

She sees it now. Jim is strong, but it's not because of her...

it's in spite of her.

So maybe you see Winona as I see her. I hate when one person is demonized and their motivations and other factors that drive their decisions aren't shown. Winona wasn't a great mother she wasn't even really good but she did try. After all the Road to hell is paved with Good intentions.