AN: This is so silly. Possibly stupid. I need to break up the angst I'm writing in everything else.
Enjoy and thanks for reading, gang!
Chapter 3
There was a whole percussion section banging in my brain. I think they were playing an angry hair metal anthem. My head was going to split in a million pieces all over my bed.
Why did I drink so much?
This wasn't my usual night out on the town. A couple of drinks, some laughs, perhaps some flirting with a cute guy in a band tee-shirt was my normal evening. I would go home alone and get ready for bed without any big issues. I absolutely wouldn't wake-up with my mouth tasting like it was filled with rotten, toxic waste. Why did my mouth taste so awful?
I threw up on Edward Cullen.
Oh God.
Slowly, I sat upright. Things were still spinning. I could imagine this was the feeling a small child would have on an out of control carousel. It reminded me of a nightmare that I had when I was just a wee child. I was the little girl in Mary Poppins and I remember in terror how that evil carousel horse made me fly around in circles. The nightmare's ending was that the monster horse flew into a chimney with me clinging on for dear life. I had decided that it was probably going to eat me in the soot. I was an imaginative child back then.
I have quite the imagination sometimes.
"Miss . . . Umm . . . Bella, how are you feeling?"
Edward was in my bedroom sitting across from me in an old recliner that I had found on the side of the road. He was wearing an undershirt, a pair of boxers, and his socks as he sat on that nasty thing. The chair had a weird odor like mildew and cat pee that I was trying to disguise by spritzing it with perfume. I was covering it with a sheet until I got the chair reupholstered. Unfortunately, after spilling grape jelly on that sheet, I had to throw it in the wash. Edward might get a previously undiscovered plague from that green plaid cushion.
I swallowed down the remaining bile in my throat. "Please don't sit there."
My words were like spikes that were piercing me in my cerebral cortex.
"I'm sorry," he said uncomfortably. "I thought I would sleep here in case you choked in your sleep."
"You can sleep on the chair if you want, but there's a chance you might get fleas," I admitted. He moved farther away from the chair in fear. "You want to sleep on the bed? I don't think I'll—"
"Vomit on me again?" He asked. The way his face crumpled up it seemed that the memory still disgusted him.
I smiled nervously, as I tried to stand up. "Yeah. I'm going to get changed and crash on the couch."
The couch was found on a trip to the dump. At least that one still had it's protective sheet.
My sea legs were not quite working and I crashed into Edward's arms. He stiffly said, "Easy there! You are in no shape to sleep without observation. I'll help you get changed."
He wanted to see me naked!
"Of course, I shall avert my eyes to give you a semblance of privacy," he just had to add.
Damn it.
Though the way I was feeling right now, seduction wasn't in the cards.
"Where is everyone else?" I questioned, as Edward helped lead me to the bathroom.
"Safely home. Jasper and I delivered the rest of your friends to their homes. You were snoring in the backseat during the ride." He sat me on the toilet seat. "Where are your pajamas?"
"Second drawer down. It's the oak dresser in the corner." I rubbed my temple. The bright lights of my bathroom was making my headache worse. I added as he left the room, "Alice could have stayed with me."
Edward explained, "Miss Brandon was quite drunk. Jasper thought it would be best to look after her. I assure you that he will be a complete gentleman."
I highly doubted it. Alice started an awakening in that prissy puss. I'm sure that after being in a relationship with the Snow Queen, Jasper was craving actual physical contact.
"I should call and check on her."
He yawned loudly. The poor guy was exhausted. "It's still the middle of the night, Bella. Call in the morning and . . . Oh!"
Something fell onto the floor as it was dropped.
Oh no! It didn't hit me until he left the room what was also in that drawer. A pink vibrating object that I didn't bother burying in the clothing. I named it Bob.
Tonight was true mortification.
Edward came back red faced. He dropped a pair of flannel pajamas in my lap. "I hope these work."
I'm sure he hoped so. That way he wouldn't have to face the pink vibrator ever again. It wasn't like it would bite him or anything. Or maybe it would? If my head wasn't splitting into pieces, I would be having some very disturbing waking dreams right now.
"If you need my help to get dressed then—" he began, as I started peeling off my leotard. Edward's eyes shut tightly. "Umm . . . Grab on to my arm if need be."
It sounded like he was humming the theme to Gilligan's Island. I have found myself with a fan of vintage television. How delightful!
That made me think about if Edward was more of a Ginger or Mary Anne type of man, as I pulled my costume down to my ankles. The tights and leotard got stuck and, as I was trying to free myself, I fell over onto Edward. Since his eyes were shut, he didn't know what hit him. This caused us to fall over in a heap. My naked form, except for the spandex shackles around my ankles, was covered by his body. Edward looked at me in complete shock. It felt damn good.
"Why are you naked?" He cried out.
It wasn't the reaction I was looking for. I guess he wasn't too keen on my nudity. Damn it.
"I was getting changed!" Also underwear created unwanted bulges under the very tight costumes like I was wearing this evening. It was quite sensible to not wear them.
"We need to get up," Edward stated and closed his eyes again. This wasn't going to go well.
He started to rise and I used his shoulder to try to get up with him. His foot slipped on the bathmat and we started sliding all over the bathroom. We were a twisted bunch of limbs in the clumsiest version of bathroom Twister in the world. I guess I was the winner, because I ended up on top.
Edward was staring at my breasts with wide eyes. He let out a little whistle. If I wasn't mistaken by something hard poking in my thigh, he was pretty happy to see them.
Maybe my nakedness wasn't so appalling after all.
"We need to get up," Edward said finally. I scrambled up and put my pajama shirt in front of my chest to try and cover the goods. He might appreciate that I trying to act somewhat modest for once. "I think you can handle getting dressed now. I'll get you some Advil and water."
He rushed out of the room in a flash. I got dressed with a pout.
That night we slept with him on the edge of one side of my bed and I was stretched out on the other.
There's nothing more romantic than this. Actually, everything is.
XXXXXX
"I need you to come with me somewhere today," Edward stated. There was no resisting him. I like him when he's bossy. At least in limited amounts.
It was amazing how organized this guy was. He stood in my kitchen wearing a spotless and neatly pressed outfit. Edward always keeps an extra change of clothes in his car. I shouldn't have been surprised. I keep a clean pair of underwear in the glove box of mine. My grandma always told me to have a clean pair. It really is a good idea in so many ways. Not that I had a chance to use them. Maybe Edward would like a pair as a souvenir of our eventful night?
My head was resting on my arms as I sat at the kitchen table. "Is coffee being served at this thing?"
"You just had two cups. You'll be a jittery mess. You're already cutting it close," he admonished. "I only have one cup a day and I feel great."
Edward Cullen was an evil dictator. I was ready for him to go home now.
Instead of demanding that he leave, I whined, "The coffee isn't working!"
"You just don't think it's working. The caffeine creates a chemical reaction in your brain that makes you think that you need it, Bella. I calculated how much of a positive ratio to mix between caffeinated and decaffeinated to give your mind the positive jolt you believe you need without the adverse effects." He gave me a bright smile. He was saying too many words. It was a jumble of jibber jabber. "You might have a slight headache from the slight decrease in the caffeine, but it should only last a short while."
Let's just take in all the wrongness that is coming out of this man's mouth. First, I already had a splitting headache from the booze. Second, his evil coffee concoction didn't work. Finally, the only way this will last only a short while is with a gallon of real coffee from a coffee shop.
"I hate you."
The asshole patted my hand. "You'll appreciate this later."
Never.
Mr. Peppy looked at his watch. "We should get going. It starts at ten."
"I need greasy breakfast to soak up the demon liquor. Can we stop at McDonald's?" I pleaded. Using the table, I stood up and rubbed my forehead.
Edward passed me more Advil. "I offered you an egg white scramble, but you didn't want it."
"I hate you."
"I know."
I felt him start to rub the back of my neck. At that moment, a part of me loved him a little bit too.
XXXXXX
"A sex addiction group?" I asked Edward. I looked at the bulletin board in front of the meeting room of the Forks Methodist Church. I took off my sunglasses and looked him up and down. "You fall on a guy once while naked and he thinks you're a pervert. Just my luck."
Edward started blushing. "This isn't right. Jasper said that—"
"I mean we could get it on in the coat closet before it starts. I can give you a moment in heaven before you make me find Jesus. After that I can actually find Jesus in the biblical sense and become a good church girl. We might as well have some fun before I become a nun."
"That's catholicism, Bella," he corrected. I couldn't help but notice that he glanced at the coat closet. Maybe he needed the sex addiction group more than the poor souls who attended it. "This group is supposed to help those with alcohol dependancy. I called Jasper this morning and he goes to church here. He thinks you need this intervention."
"You're joking, right?" I gave him my meanest bitch face. I really hated Jasper at the moment. I should make some voodoo dolls of these guys.
"You're an educator, Bella! You can't be going on drunken benders every night!" He took my shoulders in his hands. "I don't know why I worry about you. I mean you are most definitely insane and often you dress in clothing that resembles something designed by the criminally insane."
"Way too compliment a girl, Versace," I grumbled.
He moved his hands to my face. His body pressed against me."I find you interesting, Bella. More than that, I feel something strange."
I'm guessing it was the trouser snake that seemed ready to strike through his pants. "I'm not an alcoholic, Edward. I don't drink every day. I sometimes might drink a little on weekends, but last night was an exception. I was nervous about being around you so I drank too much. That is something that I don't often do."
"You were nervous about me? I find that odd. I'm nothing special," he stated incredulously.
"You're so very special. I like solving the puzzle that is Edward Cullen." I placed my hand on his ass. "Would you like to help me out?"
"Yes." He mashed my face against mine. There was much kissing and no chance of me vomiting on him.
Fun fact of the day is that kissing in a church is a terrific headache reliever. In front of a room that will soon hold a sexual addiction group makes it somewhat disturbing, but also hilarious.
"Excuse me! What do you think you're doing?" A tall, balding man with a large paunch came up to us. He was pushing a cart with urns of coffee. They smelled positively delightful!
Edward pulled away from our embrace quickly. "I apologize! We thought this was going to be the Alcoholic Anonymous group."
"They changed the times," the man gruffly explained. "Are you joining us? It looks like you two need some guidance from the Lord."
"Is that fresh coffee? Piping hot?" I asked sweetly.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Bella!" Edward hissed. His hands went to my waist to pull me away.
"Hello, my name is Bella and I'm addicted to the sex with this man of mine." I held out my hand to the man who looked flustered. Edward squeezed me to try to get me to stop. He was going to be sadly disappointed if he thinks he can stop me from getting a cup of steaming java.
The coffee man adjusted his pants.
The things I do for coffee. I was certainly going to hell, but at least I was going to enjoy the caffeinated ride.