Chapter 17: To Be Worth His Time
Hayate
I knew this would happen again. No matter how much time passed, the seeds of corruption that I had caused to be planted within Sasame only continued to grow despite my efforts to curtail them. I had hoped the capture of the passenger ship would only result in captives to trade, but I realized that I had been naïve. Sasame's excitement over this capture was not for the springboard it would provide the Pretear for her future endeavors, but for the pleasure he could derive in torturing the women brought aboard.
And I understood why he felt a compulsion to assert his dominance. But it only made it worse that I understood. For the act itself I could not forgive him for—but my understanding of his psyche only made me unable to act. As I had not acted back then…
When she had been brought aboard, she was calm as if she had accepted her fate and did not fear it. But when I met her emerald green eyes, they were blazing with defiance, a defiance to live through the hardships because she believed in a brighter future. Such unshakable confidence moved me—her hope was intoxicating—and I knew I wanted her to be free from Sasame's wrath.
For the first time, I made a request to Sasame—to keep her to myself. He seemed amused, but thought little else of it at the time and agreed. After all, he conceded, I had earned my nightly pleasures as well.
But it was not her body I had sought after. I simply wanted to be in her presence, to speak with her and gain that hope and light that she had within her. With her, I felt at peace and—I daresay—at times a true happiness.
But even she could not free me from my own darkness…
And once again, I had been drawn to a woman possessed by light, but a light that contained such ferocity that it was slowly making the chains that bound me crumble. There were times that I could gain freedom from my swirling thoughts just by watching her at work. She was hope but a fighter as well. Keeping her near helped me feel that I was moving forward and that I would be able to find happiness—for myself and for Sasame. My seemingly hopeless task of freeing Sasame from his own twisted self seemed attainable, when before it had only been an excuse I had given myself in order to continue with this life I had chosen.
I would not let this new light in my life throw her life away uselessly. I kept a close eye on her during the capture—if such a miserable event could be called a capture—with the excuse of her actions during the mutiny. I thought she would see through my shallow excuse to keep her near me, but she seemed to accept it at face value. Every now and again, though, I was afraid she would truly shoot—and then be worth Sasame's time. Be worth the time he took to slowly savor his punishment as he destroyed her piece by piece…
I could not allow that to happen. She was keeping me together when my coherency was often paper thin, when the past would flood into the present and consume my breath. She made me believe that I had a future to look forward to—and that I could one day forgive myself for the past.
Seeing the passengers—especially the women—come aboard was too much for Himeno, as it was for me. It was as if every woman I was seeing was her. To repeatedly be reminded of my failure to save her…I needed to go to my cabin now. Sasame and Kei had the situation under control, so I could recover and regain my senses alone—
That stupid tulip head girl! She had not only kept her pistol at the ready to shoot at Sasame, but her sword was unsheathed and in her hand as well. I blanched as I thought of her next move—she was too honorable to allow the captives to end up in their fate after all—and moved quickly to thwart her.
With the speed that rivaled Sasame's power, I knocked both the gun and sword out of her hands and picked her up. She resisted with a ferocity that I had not yet known she possessed, and with my flagging sanity, I had to make it back to the cabin now.
When I made it to the cabin, I flung her over to the bed and slammed the door, my breathing shaky as I struggled to maintain my position as her guard while trying to keep a lid on the memories that threatened to seep into my consciousness. Memories I had locked away…
During one of those rare moments we could be alone on deck, we stood by the railing, enjoying the moonlight. She was quietly humming to herself, watching the reflection of the moon in the water. Her presence made even the chilly wind feel warm against my skin. Seeing her shudder, I placed my jacket around her shoulders and encircled my arm about her.
"It's a beautiful night," she remarked, leaning her head against my shoulder.
"That it is," I replied, for her presence made the evening more beautiful than it would have been otherwise.
We remained quiet after that, simply enjoying the luxury of each other's company. The wide, expansive ocean ahead of us with the beaming moon floating in the waves—I truly felt the feeling of being free upon the waters—captivated me in what I felt must be the true spirit of being a pirate. The sense of endless adventure beyond that horizon and a future together…
Unable to express the emotions that welled inside of me as I stood by her gazing at the ocean, I turned and kissed her. After that brief encounter of our lips, I pulled away and gazed at her flushed expression. Her bright eyes, trusting and open, and her soft, red lips welcoming—I leaned in once again, this time for a longer, deeper kiss. I felt her arms wrapping around me and lost myself in her warmth, desiring to stay in that place forever…
"What a romantic evening," a voice cut through the darkness. The edge in that voice cut through the aura we had formed like a knife, slicing us apart, destroying the illusion of freedom and forever we had created in that moment.
We separated from our embrace, and her previously flushed face was now drained of color. Her open, trusting eyes were filled with fear. I wrapped my arm around her protectively—but not protectively enough to save her…
My arm wrapped around Himeno's middle in a tight grip. That stupid girl was trying to fight her way out of the one place she could be guaranteed some semblance of safety now. Did she even realize what fate would befall her if she…no, she did know. She acted with the full knowledge of what would happen to her. Selfless, brave idiocy…
I could not let her go. I would not allow her to place herself in danger again. I had been remiss of watching over her before; I would not allow that again. I would not allow her safety to be compromised ever again…I would not fail to protect Himeno like I had failed before…
I tried to frighten her into staying, but the desperately weak part of me must have seeped through in my expression, for she recoiled from me. She was afraid of me, but disgusted as well. And why shouldn't she? I allowed Sasame to kill innocents mercilessly, I allowed him to ravage innocent women, and I allowed him to…
He came into my room with a confident look on his face. No, confident wasn't the right word—he was filled with glee, like a child who had something to show to their parents, something praiseworthy. A single phrase and my world was shattered—the world of the endless horizon and future dreams—and I realized my folly, my weakness, and the eternal darkness I would be trapped in.
For my sin…
Unbeknownst to me, tears began to fall. As soon as I realized, I tried to rein them in. I did not mind if Himeno saw my weakness—she knew many of my pathetic sides already—but I had promised myself that I would not cry. I did not deserve to cry. I was not the victim, but rather the perpetrator. There would not be any sympathy for me. Not from others, and especially not from myself.
"Don't touch me," she hissed, "This is your sin as well…allowing that monster to do as he pleases…"
Yes, I thought, that was absolutely true. This girl saw through me perfectly…then there was nothing to hide. No excuses to make. She did not believe in the illusion of myself like she had. All the better…
"Yes, it is indeed my sin. For I am the reason he is that way now," I said softly.
For try as I might to protect her, I could not protect her from myself. As long as she never forgot the monster that I could be—that I still was—the monster in the shadows, pulling at the strings of the purple-eyed demon, she would be truly safe. And I could continue holding her dear to me, in the darkness where she could not see…
"Which is why I cannot let you leave this room. I cannot let you go on your suicide mission," I continued. It was all I could do to hold back the memories of her, and to hold back my desire to reach out to Himeno to reassure her with lies.
And then the screaming began. I retreated within myself, knowing full well what Sasame was doing. For the first few passenger ships that we had captured as the crew of the Pretear, he had made me stay in his cabin as he took one woman after another, forcing his way inside of them as they screamed and pleaded and eventually turned into hollow shells with no hope. The ones that crumbled during the process, he let live to see several more women raped before he ended their lives. The ones with spirit, who cursed him the entire time, who fought him back—as soon as he climaxed, he slit her throat.
And I stood there immobile, as countless women had reached out to me for help that they would not receive in their last moments…
At the sound of the first scream, Himeno had frozen in place as if she could not—did not—wish to process what was happening. Her helplessness and her fear and her anger held her in place…until she fell to the ground.
"Himeno!" I called out to her, realizing that she had stopped breathing. Please no, I thought, forcing her limp arms up to cover her ears. Please let her breathe once more…
Her eyes were blank and lifeless, the very opposite of the life I had seen in them when I had first met her. Her hope and the light within her had been extinguished; Sasame had given me back only her empty body. I brought her close to me, trying desperately to feed my warmth into her. I felt her heart beating faintly, but otherwise all other signs of life seemed absent. It was as if her strong desire to live had been removed. And I held her tight as sobs wracked my body…
"I'm sorry," I breathed, holding her closer to me, "I'm so sorry."
I was allowing for the same thing to happen again—for the light to be swallowed up in darkness once more. I could not let her succumb to that, but was I strong enough to save her?
Blood seeped from underneath my cabin door. In a panic, I forced open the door. My mind stopped functioning as I realized what I was looking at. A beautiful figure lay on the bed, surrounded by a sea of red—her wrists and throat bleeding out the physical manifestation of the life force she had lost already. I sunk to my knees and let out a silent scream that tore through my whole being…
I came to when I felt fingernails digging into my skin. I winced in the familiar sensation and recoiled as I saw the raw hatred emanating from Himeno's eyes. Was I too late already? Had she already been swallowed up by the darkness…?
"Himeno," I said, trying to pull her out of the dark swamp that was threatening to drag her under. I gazed at her, silently pleading for her to return to me. Return to the pure form that she had been…
"My sister," she suddenly hissed, "was one of the many women whom you caused to die."
I looked at her in shock. Her anger—and her distrust of me—suddenly made sense, as did her tenacious desire to stay aboard this ship. And suddenly I felt the clear water in my hand seep through and turn into mud. Himeno had the ferocity that she had never had because Himeno had already fallen from light. Revenge had pulled her into the darkness already—a reason I had felt kinship to her from the beginning.
And I suddenly felt a strong desire to break her free from the darkness—before it was too late. Before she became like me. Before the darkness defined her very being and held her captive, even from death.
I bowed my head before her, handing her my sword. I was taking a gamble, but I hoped it would be worth the result if I succeeded.
"If my death will atone for your sister's loss, please," I said, indicating to the sword. She clutched at the sword, trembling, torn between her decisions. After several moments when I remained as I was, tense due to her unpredictability, she threw the sword aside.
"I do not believe you killed her yourself. But I can believe you stood there and watched her as she helplessly died at your captain's hands. Until I have proof of what truly occurred, I will spare your life," she said in a cold voice that sent chills down my spine.
My gamble had failed. For though she did not kill me now, her desire to kill had not abated. And I realized I had to act fast to keep her from sinking into her hatred. I stood up and took the sword from the floor. I unsheathed it, gave myself a moment to brace myself, and slashed my chest hard. She watched me in horror as blood oozed into my white shirt.
Gritting my teeth from the pain, I said, "By this I swear to you. When the time comes when you discover the truth of what happened to your sister, I will give myself to you to do as you choose."
I had gone too far. Her pupils had dilated in shock from my action and she remained frozen once more. I placed my hand on her chin and forced her gaze to meet mine. She snapped out of her immobile state and responded to my gaze with a gaze of fierce determination. There was the Himeno that I knew—the Himeno that I was determined not to lose.