Chapter 19: Stuck in the Doldrums

Go

The wind had gradually slowed until it had ceased entirely. The sails hung limp when only a day earlier they had billowed out from the force of the wind, propelling the Pretear towards the Belleza. Could have been better for the poor passengers of the Belleza had the wind chosen to die down the previous day; but then again, the wind cared little for the fate of humans who dared to sail the seas.

Although it was not yet midday, the heat was sweltering. As the wind strength diminished, we moved slower and slower until we came to a stop entirely. And the captain was too occupied otherwise to give orders to the crew to row out of the doldrums.

Despite the lack of wind and the heat, I stayed on the main deck, as I had for most of the previous evening. From here, I could continue to hear the screams of the women Sasame raped and then killed. From here, I could try to rekindle some semblance of humanity within myself to not remain the bystander once again.

The night after the capture had been uneventful—or so I initially thought. The crew was busy moving the loot—mostly clothes and finery from the gentry who were aboard the Belleza—and Sasame was busy with his hobby of playing with the young women from any passenger ship capture. And then I saw Mannen running in my direction, looking like he had received a severe beating. In his eyes, I sensed a primal fear and knew that whatever he had done was not trivial. So I did the only thing I could do.

I improvised. I pinned Mannen down to the deck, listening hard to Kei and Hayate's voices in the distance. This foolish brat had tried to free the prisoners! I didn't know whether to be proud of him or to be afraid for his fate. I needed to do something quickly to keep him from receiving what would inevitably be his punishment—a walk off the plank into the shark-infested waters we were currently in. My mind raced with the thought of seeing Mannen cut open by Sasame's blade and forced into the water, only to be torn apart by razor sharp teeth.

I shuddered inwardly at the thought and continued to pin Mannen down, despite his struggling. He looked up at me in confusion, and I put a finger to my lips to indicate to him to be quiet.

"Thank you, Go," Hayate said. I stiffened in response. The last thing I ever wanted was to be complimented by him. It was revolting. I suppressed the feeling and continued with the feeble plan I had developed to save Mannen.

"I'm responsible for this," I began. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mannen about to open his stupid mouth and protest, so I clamped his mouth shut with my hand.

"I ordered him to set the captives free. Even though he protested against it, I coerced him into doing it. I was waiting for him on the deck to bring them here, so we could lead them safely out via the rowboats," I explained.

Idiot! A simple explanation would have sufficed! Instead, my long-winded explanation was a huge red flag for Hayate that I was lying. But I had little hope that he wouldn't see through any lie regardless.

And unsurprisingly, Hayate gave me one of his I-don't-even-partially-believe-you looks and studied me quietly. I felt sweat began to leak out of—well, everywhere—and simply hoped for the best.

"Very well. But as both of you are involved in this plot I shall determine punishment for both of you," Hayate stated.

No! Mannen would still—the sharks—but I needed to do something—something to convince Hayate otherwise—to let Mannen go—to overlook this incident—

I opened my mouth in protest, but Hayate raised a hand to silence me.

"I will deal with you first Go. You can release the boy. He won't run, unless he is comfortable with the fact that his escape will mean a more severe punishment for you," Hayate continued.

That seemed fair. At the very least, it gave me more time to bargain with Hayate. I felt my thoughts come together again at the reprieve. I followed him into his cabin silently. I knew he would see through my blatant lie, but I had no other means of alleviating Mannen's punishment. It was my fault in a way. I should have been keeping a better eye on him, stayed with him. Instead, I left him on his own to deal with the aftermath of seeing his first capture. I left him on his own because I didn't trust that I could pull it together enough to comfort the poor kid. I left him alone because I was too wrapped up in my own uselessness.

As the door shut behind me, I just hoped Hayate was in a forgiving mood. I looked up and met Hayate's gaze. He was studying me again, as if his thoughts were coming from somewhere far away.

"I know you were not involved in the attempt to release the prisoners. You have been, and continue to be, a coward," Hayate stated.

The words stung. They stung because they were true. I was a coward. I had been a coward as a child, I continued to be a coward after being captured and I would continue to be a coward simply to survive. I had been a coward when I kept my mouth shut when Awayuki was captured after the mutiny. I felt guilt wash over me when I remembered how I had and continued to keep silent. At least this time, I would try to protect Mannen by taking the blow myself.

I nodded in response to Hayate's statement.

"Then you agree that you lied to a superior officer?" Hayate asked, his voice getting chillingly softer.

I remained silent, returning Hayate's gaze. Slowly, the general anger I felt whenever I was near Hayate seeped back into consciousness, washing away the feelings of shame and guilt I had been experiencing. But I needed to be careful. Any defiance now would not only hurt me, but would also hurt Mannen. I kept silent, trying to bottle the hatred I felt for the man in front of me.

I was only a boy when I saw him kill my brother before my eyes.

We had been apprenticed to our master for three years when the crew of the Pretear came to make their purchase. It was our master's greed that had caused it all to begin.

The captain of the Pretear had been a regular customer of our shop since shortly after my brother and I began working for our master. My brother Ren's craftsmanship caught the eye of the first mate of the Pretear, and ever since then, he would drop by our shop from time to time for weapons.

This time was no different.

"I would like to place an order for three dozen rapiers," the first mate announced.

Every time he would drop by, I tended to stay back in the smithy and continue my work rather than go into the shop. There was something eerie about him that made me feel uncomfortable.

The one time I sneaked a look at him, I saw that he looked around my older brother Ren's age, had long dark hair pulled up into a tight ponytail and sharp, almost jet black eyes. He was always dressed in finer clothes than most pirates I saw come to the shop. His gaze turned to me briefly as I was observing him and I felt my blood freeze from that look. Here, I thought then, was a true pirate—inspiring fear from a single glance.

Ever since that one time that curiosity had gotten the better of me, I avoided seeing him. Ren continued to handle the sales himself. I was impressed with him for being immune to that first mate's gaze. He was a far braver man than I would ever be. I was always hiding behind my brother and allowing him to protect me.

I had not stood up for myself, and definitely had not stood up to protect anyone else back then. It was time for me to play the older brother now, I thought wryly.

The longer the silence continued, the more I felt a sense of dread overcome me. Hayate was in a particularly unpredictable mood, and I had no way of gauging what he would do next. In moments like these, he uncannily reminded me of Sasame.

I wondered what sort of captain that first mate sailed under. I imagined him to be even scarier—but I could not fathom what that meant. Sure, I had seen plenty of scum do business at the shop, but the first mate of the Pretear was different. Like he was in a different class of pirate altogether.

That fateful day, our master had decided to handle the sales. He was amazingly not extremely hung over and seemed determined to get involved in the shop.

"Get outta the way, boy," he said, roughly shoving my brother aside.

"Forgive me," Ren responded, bowing in apology.

I didn't understand why my brother needed to apologize. He was just doing his job anyway, and did it much better than our master could. All he was doing was working hard, day in and day out. It wasn't fair that he was treated that way.

"You don't need to apologize," I said in protest. He just smiled and ruffled my hair, as he had done many times before then.

I didn't realize then that in order for me to have the comfortable life I did, my brother had sacrificed his pride.

As I was doing now.

In order to survive, I kept quiet and kept my head bowed. I had failed to do anything to protect others—whether it was protecting the cabin boy before Awayuki came aboard, or protecting Awayuki. I wouldn't make the same mistake with Mannen.

"I take responsibility for my actions," I responded, bowing my head. Silence continued. I looked up and saw that Hayate was studying me with an expression that made me freeze in fear.

He was studying me with the same intensity he had studied my master that day when he made the mistake of demanding an exorbitant price for the rapiers that the first mate had requested.

"My captain was under the impression that the bulk price of the rapiers was—" the first mate began in a cool and rational tone.

"Ah, ye see, these are fine swords, yes sir. I've been givin' ye all too much of a bargain with 'em," our master responded, seemingly nonchalantly as if he did not hear the undertone of a threat in the first mate's voice.

He studied our master carefully, his eyes unmoving, his lips pursed. He was angry, but it was contained anger, seeping out only through his unflinching gaze and the twitch of muscle by his eye. It was the anger in response to the insult to his—and his captain's—pride. And my master was too dense to realize it.

"Perhaps we can come to an agreement then," the first mate stated finally.

My master was completely ignoring the rage happening before him. Oblivious to it—whether intentionally or unintentionally, I could not tell. I just wish I had stopped him then from saying anything further. If I had, perhaps…

"Non-negotiable. If ye really want 'em, pay up!"

Silence greeted his statement. I averted my eyes. I was too afraid of seeing how the first mate's anger would manifest next.

"My captain will not appreciate this," the first mate warned and left the shop.

I tried to prepare myself for the worst.

Hayate was about to speak when a new string of screams began once more. He once more looked as if his thoughts were no longer here, as if what was occurring now had no significance to him at all.

"You are dismissed," he stated.

I looked at him in surprise.

"What?" I said, regretting the single word that had escaped from my mouth.

"I stated that you were dismissed," Hayate repeated.

He was looking at me with the same emotionless eyes now as he had back then.

The same emotionless eyes that peered at me through a face drenched in blood. The same eyes that gazed at my insignificance as his sword plunged through my brother's back.

And I lost my last grip on my self-control. I rushed forward and grabbed Hayate by his ruffled collar with my left hand, my right hand poised in a fist to pummel him to the ground. Yet his gaze did not flicker.

"I am giving Mannen the chance to be pardoned. I do not believe you wish to ruin that chance," Hayate said in a cool and rational voice.

Trembling with anger, I released him. I watched in disgust as he readjusted his collar.

"You are dismissed, master gunner and weaponsmaster, Go," Hayate stated firmly.

I left his cabin after giving a stiff bow. What was wrong with me? It had been years since I had flown off the handle at Hayate. I thought I had been beaten down already—and had become numb. I had seen too much already; I should have been dead to anything more. Even the screams from Sasame's cabin—as timely as they were for me this time—no longer affected me the way they once had. I still felt anger, yes, but it had not manifested out of the bounds of my control like it just had since my pathetic to avenge Ren's death.

Even before his sword was pulled out of my brother's back, I saw Ren's eyes grow dim and then still. He had his mouth open as if he were trying to tell me something.

I grabbed the nearest sword and charged at the first mate, blood pounding in my ears. I didn't even try to use the evasive maneuvering Ren had taught me. I only wanted to kill that man. Kill him for robbing me of the one person I had. Kill him for that indifferent look in his eyes as he took my brother's life. Kill him to ease the pain in my chest. Kill him for—

He parried my attack with ease and swung his bloodstained sword with enough force to send me backwards. With the look of someone doing a troublesome task, he sheathed his sword and made his way over to me. I wasn't going to give up that easily. I would keep fighting, until he was dead. Even if it took my life in the process. There was nothing now but to avenge Ren.

I grabbed the coals in the fire, not even minding the heat burning my palms and tossed them at him to blind him. Temporarily blinded, he would be vulnerable for the time being. I grabbed a blade that I was in the middle of welding. It had still not lost the orange glow from being treated with heat. I thought of how much it would hurt to be both burned and cut at the same time, and I smiled at the thought.

I swung the sword, but he reacted too quickly even as he was blinded. Sparks flew as the swords connected. I cursed myself for not being stronger of build and for not taking Ren's teachings to heart. I had treated swordsmanship as a game, as a fun activity to do with my brother. So I had never learned how to fight seriously. I had never treated swordsmanship as a means to kill.

He sent the sword flying from my hand. But I shifted quickly, moving to grab another handful of coals—but I felt the tip of his sword at my neck. He had restored his eyesight from my cheap trick with the coal. I shifted to move again, but felt his blade nick my neck. It was only a shallow cut, but was the first time I had been cut by an opponent's blade and fear flooded into me, replacing my anger. I looked up at him from my crouching position on the floor, fearing the worst.

The first mate looked at me the way one would look at a maggot.

"You will not struggle and come quietly now," he hissed.

And I followed him wordlessly, vowing to lay low and avenge Ren when the time presented itself.

But it had been long since I thought I could truly avenge Ren. I had had too many years aboard the Pretear, and seen too much of Hayate and Sasame's power and cruelty to know that anything I did could only result in throwing my life away. I could accept being a failure, a coward. But I could not throw my life away until I knew I could avenge Ren. He deserved at least that as my final tribute to him.

I had lain low, looking for openings and opportunities that were not there. Until I had gotten far too used to just living each day. My thoughts of revenge had slipped away as I fell into a rhythm of working metal into weapons. It was comforting to escape away into my work and forget about my goal to avenge Ren. And so I had fallen into a rut of doing nothing and accepting that nothing I did mattered.

What had caused me to change so suddenly? I ran a hand through my hair in frustration, trying to calm myself down. This would not do. I was no longer risking my own life if I acted rashly. I felt responsible for Mannen and Awayuki and wanted to survive on to keep an eye on them. But perhaps I was only making further excuses to escape from attempting to exact revenge.

I sighed and headed over to the main deck. Mannen was still there, waiting for me. I ruffled his hair, relieved that he escaped retribution—at least for now.

"Don't do anything as stupid ever again, ya hear me?" I said. He nodded.

He looked defeated, as if the energy he had brought with him—and the naivety and hope—had been crushed during this incident. I worried about the impact his failure to free the prisoners would have on him. I needed to distract him—and I needed to distract myself from my own circulating thoughts.

"I think it's time for some swordplay, wouldn't ya agree?" I said. He perked up a little at the suggestion, and I smiled in return.

Mannen had been a quick study so far. He was nimble and light on his feet. But he was impatient. And he lacked the power to fight an adversary head on. Unlike with Awayuki, with whom I spent months developing his power and offensive skills, with Mannen I focused on defense. I focused on teaching him how to read his opponent's moves and to react accordingly. I was finding teaching him challenging and rewarding; it was the way Ren had taught me swordsmanship initially when I was young. But now I focused on building on strength, slowly losing the early skills my brother had taught me. Training Mannen gave me a sense of connecting with my brother that I had not felt in years; it was at once nostalgic and comforting at the same time.

"Watch my feet! It'll give a sense of where the attack will come from," I shouted as I swung the blunted-edge practice sword at Mannen with deliberate slowness and with exaggerated foot movements.

He dodged to my left—and I quickly changed the direction of my swing. Mannen shifted with a fluidity I did not think he possessed and parried with his sword before moving back.

"Great job!" I shouted encouragingly.

He nodded in response. He was breathing heavily from exertion and his brow was lined with sweat, but he looked more alive. He was definitely more focused and determined during this sparring session, which was no surprise to me given what he had just gone through.

He lunged in a straight line towards me. Easy to read as always. I parried him with ease, before I realized his lunge was simply a way for him to close the distance between us. He was now attacking me from all sides, moving quickly and trying to find an opening.

"That's it—keep your speed and position unpredictable! But remember—you're most vulnerable yourself when ya attack," I said, bringing the hilt of my sword to his exposed waist during his attack.

A light thrust with the hilt sent him backwards, and I reminded myself to hold back a bit more in my attacks when I saw him wince. But he continued without complaint, standing poised now to receive my attack. I eyed his stance. It was too wide—his attempt at adding strength to his attacks—and he was trying to have the reach of someone taller than him.

"What kinda stance is that?" I asked. He frowned, but held his weak stance. I understood what he was trying to do—trying to close the gap in ability due to physical build—but it would be useless to try that now. He needed to grow and develop his own style over time.

"Your legs are far too spread apart and your sword is held up too high!"

As he shifted his stance, I drew in for my attack—a head on lunge to mirror his—and after a moment's hesitation, I saw him dodge to the side and bring his sword to my waist. Impressed with the speed of his dodge, I allowed him the attack to my side.

He had a momentary look of contentment cross his face, which disappeared as he poised for the next bout. I reached over and ruffled his hair once more.

"Good choice to dodge instead of fighting me head on," I said.

"It's not good to fight head on all the time, right?" he said in response, his eyes turning blank. I didn't know what to say in response. I stood there awkwardly, unable to say anything while the silence stretched onwards.

I was rescued from my inability to cheer the kid up when Awayuki walked over, sword in hand, and asked, "Can I join the sparring?"

I had kept Awayuki from sparring with Mannen since their skill levels had been too far apart, but it might be just what Mannen needed now. I nodded to Awayuki, noticing how harrowed he looked. Despite what he had already seen, the passenger ship capture must have been hard for him too. Best to keep him occupied as well.

Isn't this crazy, Ren? I'm taking care of these two now, like you had taken care of me. Hope I'm not a complete disappointment to you…

I watched Awayuki and Mannen spar, shouting tips to both of them. I was proud of how well Mannen was holding his own against Awayuki. They were both fighting with intensity—intensity I did not see as much when they sparred with me. It was as if I was seeing a reflection of their mutual desire to become stronger—to reach whatever goal they wished to. That swordsmanship wasn't just a skill to learn and enjoy—but a tool to utilize. I did not blame them for thinking of swordsmanship that way, for it was only under my brother's protection that I was able to enjoy swordsmanship as an art and not as a means to kill.

As they continued to spar, the sun rose higher in the sky. With the lack of wind and the sun's heat beating down onto the ship, I knew it was only a matter of time before tempers flared. A pirate ship stuck in still waters quickly becomes an unpleasant place to be. And this time it wasn't just the usual restlessness and undertones of dissatisfaction that a ship adrift and aimless brought with it. I knew it the moment Hayate began arrived at the main deck bearing a cart full of sacks and was personally hauling them overboard.

Since Awayuki and Mannen had been sparring by the starboard side of the main deck, Hayate made his way to the port side. I still had not forgotten the surge of anger that had hit me earlier and seeing him repeat his clean up work for Sasame's sick hobby combined my anger with a sense of utter disgust. I knew then that I could not forgive him. There was nothing that would redeem him in my eyes.

And that made it all the more intolerable that I could not strike against him. And that made it all the more intolerable that Awayuki regarded him with—respect? No…it was more than that. Awayuki was fond of Hayate. I remembered the way his attention was fixated on Hayate during the stop at Port Royal and—even earlier than that—I remembered the way he had been cradled in Hayate's arms after almost drowning during the storm that broke the main mast.

He was the first crewmember that had broken through the wall Hayate put up. I wanted to stop Awayuki, but felt like I was no better than an observer, unable to do or change anything as Awayuki became closer to Hayate. And it was the same now.

Awayuki paused in his sparring with Mannen to look over at Hayate. I saw their eyes meet and a subtle acknowledgement passed between them. Awayuki said something in a low voice to Mannen, who nodded in response. Awayuki passed his sword over to Mannen and then began to walk over to Hayate. No! I thought, but I was frozen—too disgusted with what Hayate was doing to move towards him, but too worried about Awayuki seeing the contents of the sacks…

And Mannen. I rushed over to his side as he turned his attention towards the port side.

"Go below decks now," I said. He looked up at me, his eyes narrowing.

"Trust me on this one," I said, ruffling his hair. He nodded solemnly and headed below. I sighed in relief. At least he would be spared. Awayuki, on the other hand—

Had already pried open a sack. I saw his face contort in horror, but he continued to gaze at its contents. The look of horror faded and was replaced with a look of unveiled fury. I watched as Hayate placed a hand on his shoulder, which he promptly slapped away with a defiant look on his face. Hayate bowed in apology.

Awayuki ignored him and picked up a sack. After bowing his head in what I believed was a prayer of some sort, he also began sending the sacks overboard. I couldn't just stay over here and watch any longer. I made my way over and began to haul the sacks as well. Blood had seeped through the sack in a distinct pattern. I ignored Hayate's look of mild—surprise? Confusion?—at my action and continued to haul the sacks overboard.

They deserved more than this. They deserved not only an apology, but also a chance to exact their revenge for the wrongs done to them. They deserved the chance to exact their revenge on not only their violator, but also those of us who knew what would become of them but did nothing.

The repulsion I felt while holding the sack was now derived from what it represented more than what it was. There was once a time where the contents of the sack itself would make me ill. I looked over to Awayuki, who was looking more and more green in the face. I knew he would resist the urge to throw up as long as possible, but it would only be a matter of time—

As he leaned over the railing to vomit, I placed my hand on his back, rubbing it the way Ren had done for me whenever I had gotten sick. I could feel his slender frame shuddering from the effort of heaving up stomach contents. I suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to wrap my arms around him and block him off from seeing anymore. I wanted him to forget everything he had seen and experienced aboard the Pretear; I wanted him to be free from this demon lair.

I patted his head softly once he had finished. He kept his eyes averted. Hayate resumed throwing the sacks overboard, but Awayuki was frozen in place. Was he in shock?

I forced his face upwards by gently tugging on his chin, and I found that rather than being shell-shocked, he was furiously holding back tears. And before I could process any more thoughts, my arms were around him, holding him close. I didn't need to say or do anything more. He began to cry softly, and then harder, trembling with the effort.

I sensed Hayate's stare driving into my back even as he continued his work. Awayuki continued to cry, his hands clenched onto my rough woolen tunic. And I could not blame him. Even now, I felt anger—and a sense of sinking despair—whenever a passenger ship was captured. Combined with the disgust of seeing what Sasame had done to them—it was enough to tear down even Awayuki's strong will. He was too compassionate and if he continued to be so, it would be his undoing on this ship. I didn't want him to lose his empathy and his fiery passion the way I had. But I didn't want him to get hurt anymore than he already had.

Long after Hayate both finished his work and walked away with his empty cart, Awayuki looked up. His eyes were red from exertion and he looked even more drained than before. I saw the fierce look return in his eyes and sighed in relief. And then he brought his arms around my neck. I froze, surprised at the action.

"Thank you, Go," he murmured, before pulling back once again. He bowed in gratitude. I managed a nod before he headed off the main deck.

That sudden act—his arms around my neck—had felt at once foreign and nostalgic. It wasn't the kind of physicality I felt when with a woman for the night. It was something deeper, something I could not name but felt vaguely familiar. I suddenly ached for that simple act once again, and to feel his soft voice whisper near my ear. That gentleness—I ran a hand across my neck, still vividly feeling the sensation of his arms.

Restless, I turned towards the railing to gaze across at the water and realized that in Hayate's rush to dispose of the sacks, he had failed to tie weights to them. The sacks floated on the surface, stagnant in the waters around the Pretear, blood seeping around them.

And then the sharks arrived, tearing the sacks off and exposing the ravaged bodies. I saw a flash of the characteristic slash across the throat before razor sharp teeth began to dig their way into the flesh. I caught glimpses of the lifeless eyes of the women whose faces displayed either fear or despair even in death. I wanted to turn away as the sharks did their work, but I was fixated, bearing witness to the violation to their bodies even now.

I watched until the moon rose in the sky, and the bodies of those poor women were nothing but bits of meat that were devoured into nothingness.