AN: I know I say this in every chapter but I just want all of you to know how much it means to me that you guys take the time out to read this and then leave such amazing reviews. Seriously I about cried after I read them, you all put so much into them and I don't know how I can even begin to thank you. I hope you guys know I honestly mean THANK YOU! Mucho Amor-G.
Ps: I HATE this chapter (I deleted so many parts to it and almost trashed the whole thing at one point). I hope that it somehow magically transforms into a decent chapter when you read it.
Sunday 10:45 PM
They keep getting odd glances here and there as they walk pass other nurses on their way to Eoghans office. Most people end up avoiding eye contact and look away. They both don't know how far their shout fest traveled too but it appears most of the wing heard it. That or gossip travels in nanoseconds around here. Once they get into the main hall Eoghan walks them over to his office and lets them in. He takes his seat and notices that both Cheryl and Brendan, at the exact same time, move the chairs further apart from where they were and then reluctantly sit down. They both shuffle awkwardly in their seats and refuse to even glance over to one another.
"Well that was some show you gave everyone? Here I was speaking to a patient going on and on about how professional and wonderful our nurses are and then all you hear is you two ripping each other's faces off. Care to explain?"
Brendan makes no attempt to speak and just gives Eoghan a 'Go fuck yourself' look.
"Cheryl you're the main surgeon in this hospital and that's how you behave. What kind of example are you giving to all the staff members? I expect this from him but not you."
Brendan rolls his eyes at that statement. He tilts his head and sees Cheryl through his peripheral vision and notices her lip trembling. He knows she's about to cry, she has never being good at keeping her composure when someone was reprimanding her. He takes a deep breath and knows what he has to do. "I'm sorry. It was my fault."
Cheryl's head turns so fast it's a miracle she doesn't get whiplash from it.
"What?" Eoghan looks surprised as well.
"I said it was my fault. I kept pushing her and pushing her. She told me to stop and I didn't. She tried to leave and I blocked her. Then I chased after her. It's not an excuse but you know how I get when I'm a little agitated. Anyone would have gone off on me. So I'm sorry. I deeply apologize for any embarrassment I may have caused...you." He spits the last word out and his whole tone sounds anything but an apology.
"No it-" Cheryl tries to speak but gets hushed by Brendan who once again apologizes.
Eoghan seems to be considering what to do with this situation. "Cheryl you're off the hook but I want you to know this isn't acceptable and I don't want to see it again. You can leave for the night."
She gives a quick glance towards Brendan who doesn't look back at her and then she gives an apologetic smile at Eoghan and leaves the room.
"You on the other hand-" he turns his attention to Brendan who has now decided to lean further down on his chair "-we have a lot to talk about."
"Can't you just suspend me and let me get on my way?" Brendan's sick of this annoyingly long weekend. It's been a weekend from hell. He just wants to delete it from his memory entirely.
"Oh I will. But you see Brendan this will be your 3rd suspension right?"
"Yeah so?"
"You can only get so many suspensions before we have to implicate a higher punishment."
"So what you firing me?"
"No. Not yet anyway. I got another option for you. Three actually. I won't suspend you because that will go on your record but you do have to do something."
"Fine what?"
"Option one, go to a psychol-"
"No."
"Figured that one would get rejected. Moving on. Option two, is attend a family counseling session with Cheryl."
Brendan doesn't answer so Eoghan decides to give him his last choice. "Or you have to sit through a 4 hour meeting on how to be professional in a hospital setting. Which by the way I will be at so that no one leaves early."
"Can I take being fired instead?"
"No. Now pick."
"When's the meeting?"
Sunday 11:11 PM
Brendan leaves the office with his name signed up for the next "Professionalism in the Workplace- How you can achieve it!" meeting. He walks back to the West Wing as his car is in that parking lot today and spots Cheryl waiting by the door.
"Bren look-" she bolts up from where she was sitting and dashes to him.
"Chez my head hurts like hell and honestly I don't want to talk to you right now ok."
She looks hurts but nods in understanding. "Yeah. Ok. Umm...will you text me when you get home though?" When she sees that he isn't even looking at her she gives up and walks out to the parking area. Brendan starts walking in the same direction when he remembers he's actually off the next day. He has no idea why he feels like he owes it to Ste to tell him he won't see him tomorrow, but he starts walking back to his room anyway. He makes sure he's still awake before he opens the door.
"Hey."
"Hi. What you doing back?"
"Umm...I forgot to tell you I was off tomorrow so wanted to come back and let you know Lynsey will probably watch you."
"I would have found out tomorrow you didn't have to come back." Ste somehow manages to lean on his side and look at Brendan.
"Sorry. Wait no I'm tired of apologizing to every one today over things that weren't even my fault. I said I was sorry to you. Twice. And I spoke to her. Well no I yelled at her. So can we just move on here?"
Ste feels guilty now and can see Brendan is trying and he's just laying here being a dick. "Yeah. And I'm sorry too. Its wasn't your fault. Oh by the way I caught the last bit of that conversation between you two."
"I'm pretty sure everyone did. How did I do?"
"Pretty good. Well you know till the end where she knocked you out."
"Thanks for having my back there Steven."
Ste moves himself up the bed so that he's almost in a seated position and Brendan gets on the bed in front of him and turns to face him. They just sit there staring at each other not saying one word. Until...
"God you're fucking hot." Nothing but class from Ste.
Brendan sees Stes eyes that are now filled with desire and lust. "Come here Steven."
"I can't." He physically can't. It was hard enough for Ste to even get into this position in the first place.
"You sure?" Brendan licks his lips and parts them as his hand moves down to his waistband. "I want you Steven." He moves his hand further down till he touches his own groin. Stes breathing starts to speed up and he can feel his heart beat racing. He starts bitting his lips when he sees Brendan going up and down with his hand. Ste grabs hold of the sheets when Brendan looks him straight in the eyes and releases a slight moan. "I need you..." Brendan says and starts crawling over to Ste and straddles him. With one motion he places his lips on him and starts grinding back and forth. "Do you know how badly I want to be in you?" Brendan emphasizes every word. Stes head is spinning and he can't believe his awful luck that he can't even move...literally. He curses that bird and hopes it crashes head on into a car window.
"Fuck fuck fuck. I'm not here." Ste snaps out of it to hear Brendan say that and barely sees him jump off the bed and land on the floor...hard. That's when Ste sees a man in a suit walk into his room.
"Hello Ste. You mind if I call you Ste?"
Ste nods and tries his hardest not to look down to where he can hear Brendan still moving on the other side that luckily is blocked from view.
"My name is Eoghan. I'm the board of director for the hospital and wanted to say hi to every patient see how they are doing. Are you ok?"
Ste feels flustered and he knows his neck and face must be red. His lips are completely wet and he's still panting trying to get his breathing under control. He's frozen until a small hit to his bed alerts him. "YES!" He definitely hears Brendan saying idiot next to him.
Eoghan looks at him confused and starts walking towards the bed but gets on the other side, opposite of Brendan. Ste swallows rather loudly and looks down to see a very embarrassing problem arising down south. He prays the covers are hiding it and focuses back to Eoghan who is just staring at him.
"I'm fine." His voice breaks and he stutters through it.
"You don't look it." Eoghan looks at the wires attached to him and leans over to reach for them. "Hmm maybe one of these is pumping too much medicine in. Let me move over to that side and see if I can reduce it a bit."
Stes eyes widen and he hopes Brendan somehow became a magician and disappeared. If not he's going to have a new nurse soon and will have to undoubtedly hire Brendan as a deli employee.
"Mr. Nolan have you seen those transfer forms?"
A lady wearing a pant suit walks in and Ste can only assume it's his assistant.
"I thought I left them in the office. Silly me always losing track of everything. Sorry about this Ste duty calls. Nice to meet you and you'll be seeing me around a bit as I'm trying to change a couple things here. I won't keep you up so have a goodnight." He lightly places a hand on Stes shoulder and walks out with his assistant.
A couple seconds go by and then finally Brendan gets up from the floor. Ste looks over at him and can't believe how perfect he looks. His hair is fine, he's not flushed, and his scrubs aren't wrinkled. It's like they are night and day as Ste looks a mess. But he does notice Brendan's pupils that are completely blown and dark.
"Could you have looked anymore suspicious?" Brendan dust off his clothes.
"You try speaking seconds after someone is grinding their dick on you."
"Point. I'm gonna go though before he makes another surprise appearance." Brendan leans into him and gets close to his ear. "It's a shame you can't move huh." Brendan bites his earlobe and then gives him a rough kiss and pushes his tongue right into Stes mouth. Before Ste can react Brendan has already stopped. "I'll see you Tuesday Steven. Have a goodnight." He gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and walks out the door briefly looking left and right before he makes his way out.
Monday 1:57 PM
Anne opens the door wearing a long baggy Tshirt and daisy duke shorts.
"I'm not ready yet. Give me 10 minutes." She throws him the remote and runs into her bedroom.
He lies down on the sofa and stares at the ceiling while he waits. He's wearing an all charcoal colored dress shirt with a slim black tie. Black trousers with a leather belt and black shoes. And a gray asymmetrical coat. Anne comes into the living room and does a spin to showcase her bright yellow dress and purple sky high pumps.
"Good or no?"
"Perfect."
"Thanks Irish. You don't look too shabby yourself."
"I try."
She grabs her purse and waits for Brendan to grab his keys as they make their way to his car. He waits for her to pick a radio station and then they are on their way.
"Weren't you the one, who tried to hurt me with goodbye? Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?!" Anne shrieks along with the radio while dancing in her seat. She pushes Brendan and he starts moving his head to the rhythm. The rest of the car ride consist of random karaoke attempts from both of them, jokes about each other, and the constant honking of the horn to pedestrians. They play a game on the way and see who can get more phone numbers. Brendan wins. By a landslide.
"I'm at a disadvantage here. You can get numbers from both genders Brendan."
He pulls up to the restaurant and they both throw away the numbers into the trash and walk in to get their reservation. Anne grabs a table outside, she may not look it but she gets a little claustrophobic when there are too many people around. She also knows Brendan is exactly the same so when he walks out he gives her a smile that says thank you and takes off his jacket.
"So get to the point Mitz why did you invite me out to lunch?"
"Can't I just take you out without having any motive?"
"No."
At that moment the waiter comes outside and places some bread and butter on the table and takes their order. He says he will be back with their food momentarily so Brendan focuses back onto Anne.
"So?" He yawns and then rubs at his eyes to wake himself up.
"Right there! That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I noticed you been really tired lately. You having trouble sleeping again?"
"I always have trouble sleeping you know that."
"Yeah but seems worst now. Is the Ambien not helping? If you want we can go back to the doctor see if they can up your dose."
"It gets me to sleep but I always wake up soon after. Not really the medicines fault it's just me."
"Babe have you thought about going to see someone. I mean just once. It couldn't hurt." She reaches over the table and grabs Brendan's hand. "I'll come with you."
"I'll think about it."
"You're lying aren't you?"
"You know me so well."
They both end up dropping the conversation when their food arrives and once they are done Brendan drives them back to Anne's. They get inside and take a seat on the sofa and turn on some random show.
"Oh my god so I heard about you and Cheryl's big fight yesterday."
"You could hear it all the way over there?!"
"No you idiot, some of the nurses that were there came by and started gossiping."
"That's great. You know what as a punishment I have to go to another one of those meetings about professionalism. I been to fucking 5 of them already."
"And you never learn. So what happened? Why Cheryl go all psycho on you."
"I don't know. I think she's pissed off that I'm talking to Ste more than her."
"You just led me straight into my next question. Anything that you need to tell me about you two?"
Brendan knows Anne enjoys all this gossip and relationship crap. He's not sure if Ste spoke to her yesterday or not and as far as he remembers he didn't say or do anything in front of her that implies they are anything but nurse and patient.
"Nope nothing to tell."
"Brendan you are the best at not showing any emotion. Even your body language shows nothing. But Ste he wears his heart on his sleeve. I don't even know the guy but I can read him so easily."
"Yeah so?"
"I'm not stupid Brendan. I was in that room and he may have been pissed but the way he looked at you was the complete opposite of mad."
"What are you trying to tell me Anne? I don't really feel like putting two and two together here."
"Oh Brendo. Can't you see it? He loves you."
Brendan can't think for a second as the word goes over and over in his mind. Love. It's a word that he doesn't really use often. It's a word that he rarely feels. Point blank he hates the word.
"You must have lost your touch on this whole reading people. We're just friends." Brendan's phone beeps and he opens it to see a text from Ste.
I Miss You
"Oh my god!" Anne's loud voice booms throughout the room.
Brendan looks up to see a shocked expression on her face. "What?"
"That's him right?" He nods and she gets even more excited. "Whats it say?"
"Nothing."
"Give it here."
"No."
It suddenly becomes a wrestling match with Brendan on the floor and Anne on top of his back pulling his arm trying to reach his phone. He fumbles with it and it ends up slipping out of his hand. Anne becomes superwomen and not only pushes Brendan down but grabs the phone at the same time.
"HE MISSES YOU!" She looks at Brendan and catches something in him. "Oh my god look at your eyes!"
"What about them?" Brendan shoves Anne off him and gets back to his feet.
"Their shining! Your smiling through your eyes."
"It's just the sun." It's a stupid response as the blinds on the windows are closed.
"Brendan Brady I can't believe I'm saying this."
"Saying what?"
"YOU LIKE HIM!"
Tuesday 2 PM
"Professionalism in the workplace. Who can tell me what that means?"
"Fuck my life." Brendan is now seated with 7 other people in a conference room as the presentation starts. He thinks he should know some of the other nurses here but he doesn't. He ends up tuning out whatever the lady is saying immediately and starts to make a paper airplane with the pamphlet he was giving.
"BRENDAN!"
He jumps in his seat and Eoghan is giving him a death glare so he slowly unfolds his airplane and smoothens out the pamphlet.
The lady goes through what each letter represents and Brendan wants to slam his head against the table. He is bored out of his mind and ends up caught up in a day dream.
"Brendan what did just say the letter L represented?" Eoghan snaps him back into reality.
"Umm-" all these words pop into his mind and he tries to figure out one that might fit into the topic "loyalty?"
Wrong.
"LISTENING! LISTENING! Something you're clearly not doing. Pay attention. I'm not gonna warn you again."
Brendan sees the other nurses give him a disapproving shake of the head and go back to taking notes. That's when he realizes he didn't even bring a bloody pen along with him. 'I fail at life' he thinks to himself as he pretends to be interested in whatever the presenter is saying. After 2 hours they get a small 15 minute break so Brendan steps out of the room to stretch his legs out. His phone shows 3 missed calls and 1 text since he turned it off. All from Cheryl.
Bren I'm sorry. So so sorry. I didn't mean any of it. Please call me. Please? I just want the best for you. I love you. Never forget that x.
He pockets his phone and walks around the corner and thinks he sees Amy at the very end of the hall. It's too far to tell so he just heads back into the meeting.
The time seems to be moving at a snail's pace. It doesn't help that the other nurses keep asking questions as if they actually care. They are only trying to show off to Eoghan who is giving them all proud smiles. Brendan has yet to get one of those as he sits all the way at the back by himself.
"Alright guys let's move onto your patients. Just recently the committee made a more stringent rule about the boundaries between nurse and patient. It's involving sexual relationships."
Brendan's knee hits the table at that exact moment. "Sorry."
"A little jumpy there aren't you Brendan."
"No just your bloody tables are too small that's all."
Eoghan just rolls his eyes and lets the presenter know to continue.
"So anyway, before it was always frowned upon but the rule on it wasn't very clear on what was acceptable or not. This new one they approved states 'Any form of sexualised behaviour with a current patient is unacceptable' and it also says that relationships with former patients will often be unacceptable."
Brendan can't help but think someone just turned the heater on as he is getting quite warm. He pulls at his shirt collar and wipes his forehead.
"Such behavior can include anything from going on a date or using sexual humor during consultations to criminal acts such as sexual assault and rape."
Someone definitely turned on the heater he thinks to himself as he feels his neck start to heat up. He feels uncomfortable and knows he is fidgeting in his seat. 'Stop looking so damn suspicious' he tells himself as he tries to stop moving around so much. Eoghan looks at him and raises his eyebrows. Brendan swallows and looks away. The remaining time in the meeting goes by excruciatingly slow. Apparently everyone wanted to ask questions concerning this new rule and the presenter kept going on and on about it.
UNACCEPTABLE. AGAINST THE RULES. SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN. SUSPENSION. TERMINATION. LOSE OF LICENSE.
The clock shows its 6 o'clock which technically means the meeting is over but the other nurses don't leave. They are now writing down the new rule word by word.
"Guys you can all leave when you are done."
Brendan takes that as his cue to go and rushes out the room before anyone gets a chance to stop him.
Tuesday 6:17 PM
Brendan makes it back to the West Wing and checks his patient's charts to make sure nothing happened in the 4 hours that he wasn't available. He takes a seat behind the counter to write down a couple notes in Laura's chart.
"Excuse me mate you wouldn't happen to know which room Ste Hay is in?"
Brendan stops immediately and looks up to see an average looking man with black hair that Brendan can only describe as 'punkish'.
"Can I get name?"
"Oh sorry names Adam."
"Right let me look through his file and make sure you're not on the list of no visitation."
"Thanks." Adam turns around and moves to read some random papers on the walls.
"Brendan there's no list like that?"
"I know that Sean but he doesn't. Just keep him busy for a second."
He makes the brief walk over to Stes room and walks inside. Ste looks incredibly happy. His smile could light up a whole room at this moment.
"What's up with you?"
Ste hadn't seen him come in so he jumps a little when he hears him.
"Oh didn't see ya there. I got a visit from me kids and Amy today. They just left though but I'm proper excited that I got to see em."
"That's good. So look anyway you wouldn't happen to know a Derek would you?" He cuts straight to the point.
"Derek? Nope doesn't ring a bell."
Brendan smiles and is about to go rub it in this guy's face when he realizes that wasn't the right name at all. "Sorry not Derek. Umm...Adam? I think that was it."
He watches as Stes expression changes. His eyes show that clearly he knows who he is and that he's happy to hear the name.
"Oh Adam. Yeah. He's a...friend."
"Just a friend?"
"Yeah."
Brendan may be the worst person to detect when someone is flirting with him but one thing he's always been good at is spotting when he's being lied to.
"Steven you won't like me when I'm mad."
"Why would you be mad though?"
"Cause you're lying straight to my face. You're whole expression just gave it away. So what is he? Ex? Friend with benefits? He fuck you or is it the other way around.
"Seriously Brendan. I shouldn't even have to answer those questions."
"So you're not gonna deny it?"
"I don't need to defend myself to you...we're not even together so you don't have a right to ask me about my love life."
"Fine." He turns to walk out but Ste calls out to him.
"Bren no wait. I didn't-"
"No I get it. I'm just your nurse right. It's fine. I'll send him in yeah."
Brendan pushes open the doors and spots Adam leaning against the wall.
"Ozzy you can go in!"
Tuesday 7:13 PM
Break time in a hospital always is difficult to get. Brendan has been trying to go on his for the last 20 minutes but keeps getting called back and forth between the North and West Wing. Laura keeps paging him and he always makes it right before she pukes all over herself. Then once he's done Sheila, the diva, from the North Wing calls him over to complain that she can't get comfortable in bed. So he fluffs up her pillow and reclines the bed all while trying to avoid her hands that seem to be reaching for his waist. He rushes out of there and for the first time that day his pager doesn't go off. Break time.
He's not hungry for once so he ends up just walking around the hospital. He goes down the hallway between the West Wing and East Wing as it's less crowded and there are a couple places where you can sit. Only problem is that the kids area is right in the center of it seeing as the East Wing is basically for expectant mothers. He takes a seat against the wall and starts playing 'Plants vs. Zombies' on his phone.
"Bendan!"
"Oh fuck!" He drops his phone as the same little girl from Sunday comes running at him. "Hi." He says as he checks to see that he didn't just break another one. "You separate from your mom again?"
"Nope she there." She points over to her mom that's currently sitting nearby.
He looks over at her and she waves and mouths "I'm sorry" to him as she points to her daughter. He smiles at her and looks back to see the girl climbing onto the leather seat beside him.
"What ya doing?"
"Taking a break umm...I didn't get your name before did I?"
"Daisy."
"Well I'm taking a break Daisy."
She grabs a hold of Brendan's hand again and drags him over to a kids table. The chairs are tiny so he takes a seat on the floor next to her while she plays with letter blocks. She keeps on talking about what she did today and Brendan realizes that she can speak fine she just has a slight lisp and gets her words out in an odd order. He spends the next couple of minutes teaching her how to say his name correctly and after about the 10th time she gets it.
"I made a friend today Brendan. She inside shop."
He looks over to the gift shop and then thinks maybe she means an imaginary friend. Daisy tells him to stay there while she runs into the shop and comes back out pulling a blonde haired girl with her.
"Brendan this is Leah. Leah this is Brendan he's nice. Say hi."
Leah waves and takes a seat at the table as well. Brendan doesn't know why they keep coming to him he's awful with kids. But here he is spelling out words with these blocks that they both keep handing to him.
"You can't deny me from seeing my own daughter Eileen."
"Yes I can. And I'll make sure you don't see her at all until you get help. I mean it Brendan I'm going to court to make it legal. I'm getting full custody of her and putting you down as mentally unstable. I'm sorry but you can't be a dad like this. Maybe not seeing your daughter grow up will give you that push to seek help."
She walks always from him as Niamh starts to cry in her crib. She picks her up and takes a seat on the sofa.
"Can I hold her?"
"No."
"Just once."
"Brendan I don't trust you enough to think you won't have an episode and drop her."
"I wouldn't. I only have them when something triggers a memory. I'm fine."
"Say your fine all you want but you're not. I'm sorry but no."
Niamh drifts off to sleep and Eileen carries her back into her crib and settles her in. She wraps a blanket over her and places a small bear next her. "I'll give you 5 minutes to say goodbye Brendan." She gives her daughter a kiss on the forehead and walks out the room keeping the door open as she takes a seat outside. Brendan stands over the crib and lightly holds her hand for a second before letting go.
"Hi princess. I know you probably don't recognize my voice and that's my fault. I haven't really been around. I tried but...I just want you to know that if you don't see me for a while don't think it's because of you. Don't ever think you did anything wrong. You are the reason I'm still here. You give a reason to try and get better. And I will. I just hope you will give me time. Please don't take it out on your mum or anyone other than me. I know it's gonna be hard not having a dad in your life but believe me it's better to not have one at all then to have one that will end up ruining your life. Always know that I love you. So much. Don't give up on me. I'll make you proud to call me dad one day. Until then Niamh I love you, I'll see you soon."
"Daisy sweetie we have to go."
"Yes mum. Bendan...Brendan I have to go. Can you visit tomorrow?"
"I'll see. Run along."
Again she hugs him and he does another awkward hug. She says bye to Leah and goes with her mom. He doesn't know what to say to her so he just starts building a tower.
"You're building it wrong."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"I'm not."
"You are."
"I'm…I'm arguing with a child. Fine how should I build it?"
After a quick lesson from Professor Leah they end up building a tower that matches her height.
"Can I push it over?" She's smiling from ear to ear.
"Go ahead."
She takes a doll she has in her hand, Brittany, and swings her into the tower causing it to come crashing down. She jumps up and down and her loud laugh fills the entire hall. Brendan thinks her laugh sounds familiar to someone but he can't think of whom. Leah grabs his arm and drags him to the gift shop.
"I'm not buying you anything."
"Please?"
She turns her blue eyes into puppy dog eyes.
"Fine but something-" she's already off in another direction "-small. Unbelievable." They walk out of there with a new Dora the Explorer coloring book.
"Where's your mum?"
Leah points to a large crowd so he doesn't really know who exactly she's looking at.
"Well I have to get back to work so I rather you go back with your mum instead of staying here alone ok."
"Ok. Thank you for this."
"You're welcome. Scram little one."
She laughs and opens her book to the back. She peels a sticker out of it, it's a heart, and places it at the hem of Brendan's shirt.
"You can have that to remember me. Bye!" She waves as she runs off and hugs a woman from the back. It's her mother as Leah smiles up at her and takes her hand.
Brendan starts to peel off the sticker but ends up leaving it as he walks back over to the West Wing.
Tuesday 7:54 PM
"You're back?" Ste sits back up In his bed.
"Yeah thought I give you some time with your friend."
"Almost 2 full hours. I ran out of things to say to him within 15 minutes."
"So the rest of the time was spent doing what with him?"
"Fuck you Brendan I'm not doing this again with you." Ste leans back down but then feels pressure on his arms. Brendan is pining them down as he stands on the side of the bed. "Let go your hurting me."
"Shut up. Here's how this is gonna work. I don't care about your fucking past and every damn person you been with but don't you ever let another guy visit you while I'm here. You understand me?" He applies more pressure but Ste doesn't respond. "Are you deaf or stupid? Do. You. Understand?"
"You're fucking insane! Let go!"
He releases his arms but doesn't move from his position. Ste looks up at him and sees nothing in his eyes. Their blank. It's not him.
"I'm sorry."
Ste backs away slightly as he sees that Brendan isn't even looking at him. He's staring straight ahead.
"I'm sorry.
"Brendan? You ok?"
Brendan snaps his eyes back to him and blinks a couple times to focus on Ste.
"What? Yeah I'm fine. Umm I'll be back in a bit yeah." He leans down and tries giving Ste a kiss but Ste moves and avoids it. "Did I do something wrong?"
'He doesn't remember' Ste thinks to himself and what Cheryl said comes back to him.
Sometimes he has a bit of a violent outburst. Almost like he blacks out and doesn't know what he's doing.
While he's deep in thought he feels a kiss on his cheek and sees Brendan walk out of the room. Realization hits that Brendan has issues that are more complex than he originally thought, and it may be more than he can handle.
Tuesday 8:21 PM
Brendan walks out to his car as he just took the last of his pills and wants to refill the vial in case he needs more later on. As he is walking he feels someone watching him. Can feel the eyes burning a hole in the back of his head. He glances a look behind him but no one is there. He fumbles with his keys when he gets to the car. A keychain Anne gave him always ends up tangling around his key making it difficult to open the door. He starts untangling it and then feels a pair of hands grab him.
"Oh bloody hell Cheryl! I'm the worst person to sneak up on."
"Sorry. How did you know it was me?"
"Reflection off the window."
"Oh."
"What do you want?"
"I just wanted to say sorry to you in person. I know it's not much and it probably sounds meaningless but I am sorry. For everything I said."
"You meant it though."
"Not all of it. I don't think you're any of those words I called you...except for frightened and lost."
Brendan finally gets the door open and tells Cheryl to get in the passenger seat. They both shut the doors and stare ahead. The moon is bright and Cheryl looks over at Brendan and sees those familiar blue eyes, this time though they are luminous. They almost look unreal.
"What?" Brendan can always tell when his sister is watching him. It usually gets followed by a serious conversation.
"Oh it's nothing really. It's just whenever I see light coming out of your eyes I know that your here. Like your mind is here, you know."
"Yeah. So...you gonna talk to me about something or can I go back inside?"
"No hold on I need to talk to you. I want to say I'm sorry for everything. It's just I'm losing you Bren and I don't mean I'm losing you to someone else. I mean I'm losing YOU. Every day I see another part of you die and I don't know what else I can possibly do to help."
"Chez I'm still here. I'll always be here."
"Can you promise that?"
She turns in her seat so that she can face him better. His gaze drops to the steering wheel as he grips it.
"No."
"Look Brendan I know you're tired of me being in your life. I admit I'm overprotective. I'm meddling. I'm selfish. I'm in your face all the time. I'm controlling. And I'm not perfect. But when you almost lose the one person in your life that means the world to you, you forget who you are."
"Sis-"
"No no let me finish. That day changed our lives forever. It changed everything about us. We couldn't even recognize our own reflections. But I got help Brendan and I'm able to go through life as normal as possible now. But there's one part of that day that I will take to the grave with me."
"Wake up! Don't leave me!"
Brendan rushes into her bedroom and sees Cheryl shaking violently. She is frantically throwing her hands in the air.
"Chez chez you're having a nightmare. You gotta wake up for me." Brendan grabs at her arms and tries moving her to get her to wake up.
"No no! Please you have to stay with me. Please don't close your eyes. Brendan! You can't go! Not like this. Ambulance is on its way ok. Just hold on please. I can't do this without you."
She's talking in her sleep and tears are flowing down her cheeks. Brendan lifts her into a seated position and then sees her eyes open.
"Hey hey you're ok. You're ok."
Cheryl's eyes are bloodshot red and her whole face is dripping with tears. "I'm so sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry about."
"No you shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm sorry I woke you up. I'm sorry I worried you. I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry for choosing him. I'm sorry for being so fucking stupid. I'm-"
"Chez look at me. Look at me. It's not your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself for everything."
"It is my fault! You could have died Brendan!"
"I didn't though. I'm still here."
Cheryl's head slumps down and she starts whispering. "Why did you come after me? You should have left me."
"Do you honestly think I would have left you?"
"No I knew you would come. But I told you to run. Get away. You would have been safe." She grabs his arm and points to his scar. "You wouldn't have a daily remainder of what happened."
Brendan runs his hand over the scar and looks straight into Cheryl's eyes. "Yeah but it reminds me of what you did that day Cheryl. You put your life on the line for me. You're the best sister I could have ever asked for. This scar is just a reminder that you choose me and I will never forget that."
She pulls Brendan into a hug and holds on as if it's the last time she will see him. That if she lets go he won't be there. That if she lets go it'll all be a dream. A joke from god letting her believe he's there with her only to cruelly yank him away again. She clutches on to him for dear life to the point that it's suffocating, but it's the only way she knows it's real. That he's alive.
"Don't."
"You tell me you wouldn't be like me if you laid on the floor and held your brother as he was slowly dying right in your arms. Have your brothers' blood pour all over you. See the glint in his eyes fade away. Feel him going cold under you. So you know what you can end up hating me for the rest of your life but I would take that in a heartbeat as long as I knew you were safe."
She doesn't give him a chance to say anything as she gets out of the car and says "I'm sorry" as she closes the door behind her.
Tuesday 8:48 PM
Its pitch dark in Stes room. Everything is turned off, but he's not asleep. He's wide awake just staring at the ceiling waiting for Brendan as he knows he will be back. And just as if reading his mind Brendan walks in. They both have different things running through their minds.
"You going to bed soon? The lights are all off." He turns on one of the lamps but dims the light so only a red hue covers them.
"No just was thinking."
"About what?" Brendan takes a seat on the chair and looks over at Ste.
"You don't remember what happened earlier do you?"
"Umm yeah why wouldn't I."
"So you aren't even going to apologize then."
"For what? Giving you a couple hours to spend with your friend."
"No I mean what happened afterwards."
"I don't...I didn't say anything after."
He doesn't remember. Ste can see it in his eyes that he has no recollection of it.
"You did."
"What did I say then?"
"Brendan you didn't just say anything you held me down and told me that I can't have any guys visit me when you were here." He chances a glance up at Brendan and hopes he sees some sort of indication that he's sorry. But he doesn't get one. In fact a brief smirk appears on his face.
"Doesn't sound like something I would do."
"So I'm making it up?"
"I don't know do I. But if it makes you feel better I'm sorry for 'allegedly' doing that."
"Are you bipolar or something because you go from being this nice guy to being a complete asshole the next."
Brendan laughs at the statement and gets off the chair. "Steven you should keep that pretty little mouth of yours shut before you say something you'll regret."
"Go to hell Brendan. I'm sure there's a place down there for you."
"Oh I'm hurt. Deeply hurt. So what I'm not good enough is that it huh? Is that other bloke better than me?"
"Seriously is all this because of Adam?
Brendan loses focus for a second as someone catches his eyes outside the window. It's a man that looks to be around his 40s or 50s. He's in a suit. A brown one. He takes a seat on a bench and pulls out a fag. He reminds Brendan of someone. He feels a chill run down his back and he starts speaking. Only he's not speaking to Ste.
"NO! This is all your fault! You're supposed to love me and protect me. But you did neither. You fucking ruined me. Look at me! Look at what I have become. I don't understand what I did that made you hate me so much. Why? Why me?"
Ste has been trying to get Brendan's attention since he started talking. He called his name out over and over but it doesn't work. He tries speaking to him but he gets ignored.
Finally Ste reaches out and grabs Brendan's hand and pulls him over to him. He's completely lost and fragile and when he gets pulled he doesn't even feel it. He falls right into Stes arms. Ste holds him close and waits for Brendan to come back to him.
Review pretty please?