AN: *Waves* THANK YOUUU so much for the reviews/follows/favs. They all touched my heart and I was giddy all day...and y'all got me past the 200 mark! Absolutely amazed and grateful...muchas gracias!
PS: I'm really sorry about the wait...I blame writers block lol.
Wednesday 6:35 PM
"Ste I think it's time we talked."
Cheryl slowly walks in not knowing how Ste is going to react to her after their last encounter.
"The last person I want to talk to is you."
"Look I know what I did was stupid ok. I'm sorry I really am. I don't know what I was thinking but I just wanted to help." She pulls a chair next to the bed while Ste fidgets with the phone in his hand. "Isn't that Brendan's?"
"Umm yeah. Sorta broke mine." He points to the floor where all the tiny pieces of his now destroyed phone lie.
"It's completely shattered. What did you throw it against a wall?" Cheryl laughs thinking that's ridiculous but as soon as she sees his face she stops. "You actually threw it!"
"Well your brother is a loon and all I had was my phone."
"Why didn't you throw the pillow?"
"Why didnt-" Ste slaps himself in the face at his moment of stupidity. "I'll use it next time."
Cheryl doesn't say anything for a couple minutes as they both sit in silence. She has an internal struggle within herself and doesn't know if she is doing the right thing. Or if she should even be doing this at all. She remembers how furious Brendan got at her for talking to Ste about him, so what she's going to do now may push it too far. Too far to the point where he may stop trusting her altogether and she couldn't deal with that. It has never really occurred to her how dependent she is of him. Her happiness only comes when she knows he is happy. Inside this bubbly over the top persona lies a little girl asking for help. The sadness and despair fills her whole being. Every time she closes her eyes she sees dripping blood and worst of all she sees her father pining her brother on the floor.
"CHERYL!"
"What?! What?!" She almost falls out of the chair from the sheer abruptness from Ste.
"I been calling your name for minutes. Daydreaming?"
"I wish. Look I came to talk to you about something and I don't really know if it's my place or not but I have too."
"Ok what?"
Cheryl decides that at this point she has to warn him. She will always choose her brother over anyone. It doesn't matter the situation but there comes a time when she has to protect the person that is trying to become a part of someone's life that they don't even know.
"You remember when I told you those things about Brendan?"
Ste nods and has experienced first-hand the black outs and violent outbursts.
"I wasn't just making that up. I know you probably don't believe me and I don't blame you if you don't. But you two are getting close...as friends and I feel like I owe it to you to tell you what you're getting into. I'm not saying this to try and ruin anything I just want you to be safe."
Ste can see Cheryl is struggling to speak and her movements alone show that she's a nervous wreck. She's avoiding eye contact and keeps looking towards the door every so often. "Wait a minute; you're looking out for me?"
"Shocking right but yes. I care about you as a patient and...you make my brother happy so for that alone I'm forever in your debt. But you don't know him. I mean you know bits and pieces. The parts he chooses to show. The parts that are the best qualities about him. But you would be a fool to think that's him. It's the complete opposite."
"I don't understand."
Cheryl takes a deep breath as there's no going back now. She already stuck her foot into the fire she has to keep going. "Brendan has been through a lot of things in his life. Devastating things. Things that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Those memories he carries around are destroying him every day. I don't know if you have seen it but he is slowly losing grip with the real world. He's not mentally stable Ste. Not by a long shot. He has...episodes. Some item or word or a person can trigger a memory and just like that you lose him to his past. I don't want you to get hurt when he has one of his violent episodes because at that moment he's not himself and I don't like saying it but he's capable of attacking you."
Ste is speechless at everything Cheryl is saying. He's only seen Brendan have one episode and that one alone was difficult to handle. He wouldn't describe it as violent so he can't imagine how he would handle one where it became more aggressive.
"He needs help. He needs help now. He can't handle it anymore. And I don't think I'm the person that can save him." She stares deeply into Stes eyes and convey how serious she is right now. In her eyes this right now is a life or death situation.
"You are."
Wednesday 7:01 PM
Brendan is now standing in the restroom waiting for Laura to finish throwing up. 'What has my life become' he thinks to himself as he holds her hair out of the way. Once she is finished he gets her settled back into her bed and is about to walk out but she ends up throwing up again. Only this time its blood. It's a large amount so he orders an MRI scan for her immediately.
She softly says "thank you" to Brendan as he wheels her to the radiography room. Brendan tries giving her a comforting smile. They reach the room and wait while the technician gets the machine working.
"So when there done they will take you back to your room and I'll come check on you then."
She nods and stares ahead. "I wanted to tell you thanks for always been there for me. Always made me feel like I was special. That I wasn't just another patient." She finally shuffles around in the wheelchair to look him on the eyes. "I just wanted to make sure I told you how lucky I was to get you as a nurse. Thank you."
"That sounds like a goodbye."
He thinks back to when he first met her. He was late, like usual, and the second he parked his car his pager went off. He knew he had a new patient but he never met her before. Brendan took off running all the way to the room and witnessed his patient violently throwing up. He was able to catch some of it in the waste bucket and ended up with most of it all over his clothes. He told himself next time he would put on his scrubs BEFORE he came to work. Laura was released after an overnight stay but she came back within a week. After that the same pattern repeated. Brendan asked Cheryl for help and they both conducted almost every test possible and couldn't find anything medically wrong with her. But here was this 16 year old girl wasting away right in front of him.
1 year later and there is still no diagnosis for her. Only now she looks defeated. Brendan would be lying if he said that he didn't care about her. He looks at her as his adopted sister and she would call him big brother every day.
Laura looks at him one more time before the technician comes to get her.
"Bye Bren."
"See you in a bit"
Brendan starts walking back to the East wing but feels his heart beating erratically. He turns into the first available restroom and locks it. He splashes cold water on his face but it does nothing. Brendan looks up and stares at his reflection in the mirror as the water droplets run down his eyes.
Here he sits at another psychologist office. He lied to Cheryl and told her he was going to grab lunch with a friend. This was the first time he actually sought help for himself. The last and only time he went to a therapy session was 4 years ago when he was 16 and Cheryl forced him to go. That session didn't go so well. It ended with Brendan dragging Cheryl out of there as she charged at the therapist. He was considered the normal one that day. Since then he has avoided any talks about another session. Cheryl went for a year and got her life back together but he never went and now his life was spiraling out of control. Which is why he now is here in this waiting to be seen.
"Mr. Brady you can go in now."
He gets up and walks toward the door. It takes everything he has to actually open it and step inside. The office is plain. Just a desk in the middle and 1 chair in front of it.
The psychologist introduces herself and she spends the next couple of minutes telling him about herself. He can tell she's trying to make him feel comfortable enough to share his thoughts. It must work because he starts talking about non-significant things and even mentions Cheryl. They don't get into too much detail and continue talking. Then she asks a question that he wasn't expecting.
"Brendan you don't seem to actually be here."
"What? I'm sitting right in front of you."
"Physically yes but I don't think you're actually here, mentally."
She's right. His mind is filled with so many thoughts he wonders how it hasn't just exploded yet. The worst part is that these thoughts don't make any sense.
"Can you tell me what you see Brendan."
"I see hallucinations."
She gives him a compassionate smile and it gives him that last push to open up just a little.
"They don't make sense though. It's like I'm looking into a kaleidoscope with all the colors morphing into one. It all becomes cloudy and I find it hard to see what's around me. I see these shadowy figures staring at me. All they have are these piercing red eyes. I hear them following me as I past them. But when I look back their gone."
She takes notes as he speaks and she listens intently as he keeps describing the inner workings of his mind.
"When I wake up I feel this pressure on me like something is holding me down. It's always followed by a loud scream that repeats over and over again. Throughout the day my vision turns to pure red. Everything is red. I hear a little voice taunting me telling me to go and prove I'm a man. It laughs at me when I don't beat someone till there unconscious. It won't get out of my head. It's constantly laughing at me. Putting me down. Telling me I'm worthless. Telling me I'm nothing. And it's right. It's right. I am nothing."
He feels coldness run down his hands and it sends a shiver all through his body snapping him back into reality. His hand somehow fell right into the sink when he was in his trance. He turns it off and collects himself before he walks back out. As he shuts the door he turns around and smacks straight into someone.
"Fuck. Watch were the hell you're walking mate."
"Sorry I'm kinda lost wasn't really paying attention."
"Just move." Brendan doesn't even make eye contact as he tries moving past him.
"Wait wait you wouldn't happen to know where Cheryl Bradys office would be?"
Hearing anyone say their last name makes his blood run cold. He hates that even dead his father still has a part of his life.
"Who's asking?"
"Nate Tenbury-Newent. I'm a brain surgeon thats transferring over to this hospital and I was supposed to meet her for a briefing."
"Right. Come on then." Brendan reluctantly starts walking over to Cheryl's office while Nate goes on and on about his achievements in the past year. Anne happens to pass by them and she lightly brushes her hand across Brendan's arm as a greeting and continues on her way. When Brendan looks over at Nate he sees him just following her with his eyes. Practically drooling all over himself. He presents himself as a conceded stuck up rich boy who had gotten everything served to him on a silver platter. He jokes about how his mother got him into the most prized medical school. Never worked a day in his life to pay for it. Brendan isn't jealous but is resentful. He literally did everything to pay for both Cheryl's and his school loans. He went to school in the morning and sold drugs all night. He would come home completely exhausted but his sister would always be waiting for him. She had his dinner on the table for him right when he arrived. She would even stay up with him just so they could talk. Everyone always tells him that his sister is dependent on him but people fail to see that if anyone is dependent on the other it's him. Cheryl is his life. They may argue like deranged lunatics but he would kill anyone without any remorse if they hurt her. He's put his life on the line for both of them to get them to this point in their life and here comes this guy squandering around like owns the place. Like he's better than him. He's exactly like everyone else who always put him down.
Brendan hates him.
They get to her office and he knocks but no one responds. "She should be here but maybe she stepped out for a bit." He stops speaking when he sees his sister walking towards them.
"Sorry did you need me Bren?" She completely ignores Nate who is staring at her with a glint in his eyes.
"No he did apparently." He nods over to a suddenly quiet Nate.
"Can I help you?"
Brendan gives her a look that tells her she's being a little cold. She catches him and gives a very clear fake smile.
"I'm Nate I think we spoke earlier."
"Oh right yeah I remember." She passes by both of them and opens the door. "You can come in."
"Thanks again mate...I didn't get your name."
"Brendan. Cheryl's brother."
"Her brother?!"
Wednesday 7:57 PM
Most patients in the North Wing are heading back to their room with their physical therapists help. Ste is already in his room, but no matter what he tries he can't fall asleep. He gives up and curiosity gets the better of him as he opens Brendan's phone and looks through his pictures. He remembers Cheryl saying he didn't have many friends but from the pictures he can tell he has a small handful of close friends. There's many of him and Cheryl, they are at different locations in most of them but there's quite a few of them at the hospital. Not only that but Brendan is smiling in almost half of them while Cheryl is beaming. They look happy. He scrolls down more and sees a couple with him and Anne. Brendan's eyes are shining in them and Anne has the hugest grin on her face. Definitely happy. He sees just a few pictures of Brendan and another guy. He can tell right away they are just friends as in one of them they are both flicking off the camera. The other guy looks a little bit bigger than Brendan, more muscle mass but he can't tell that well because in every picture he's wearing a big jacket. He kind of sees a brotherly bond there. Ste goes to the text and either Brendan doesn't like texting or he deleted them because there are only 3.
From: Cheryl-Love you.
From: Anne-Call me.
From: Warren-Fuck you.
Ste sees Brendan only text back to one.
To: Warren-Sleep with your eyes open Foxy. Don't want to wake up dead do you?
"You find anything interesting in there?"
Ste jumps at the sound of Brendan's voice and winces as he moved his back to fast.
"Shouldn't be going through people's things."
"You let me borrow it."
"For emergencies. Clearly you aren't that trustworthy." Brendan strides over to him and snatches it right out of Stes hand. "You over your little temper tantrum now?"
"You called me a possession Brendan how the fuck else should I have reacted."
"Steven you don't respond to that you just keep your mouth shut yeah."
"I can't stand you!"
"Aww that's cute. But you know that's a lie. You know for a fact that you would come back to me no matter what I did. You picked me Steven and you kept pushing and pushing till you wormed your way into my head. I can't get you out of it. And well let's be clear you belong to me Steven."
If Ste could get up he would have already been up and swinging at Brendan. He doesn't know how he changes his personality so frequently. He doesn't know which Brendan he is getting most of the time. He missed the Brendan he met. The caring and sweet and funny Brendan. Cheryl was right, he's losing it.
"Why are you like this?"
It catches Brendan off guard. "What?"
"This-" Ste looks him up and down "-this person in front of me isn't who I remember. I would be the happiest person in this world to be able to say I'm yours. But this form of you isn't who I want to be with. I'm not a possession. You don't own me Brendan. And you will not fucking talk to me like I'm worthless."
Brendan actually laughs straight at his face. His eyes look dull and lifeless. "Look at you actually sticking up for yourself. I don't like that. Think I'm going to have to fix that."
"You know what Brendan. I'm done with whatever we even had. I'm requesting to be transferred to another hospital."
Wednesday 8:36 PM
Nurses rush through the doors as a trauma patient is just been rushed in. Brendan is sitting behind the counter and he watches it in front of him in slow motion. The blood from the victim is dripping all over the floor. He doesn't get up and help. He just stays seated completely lost and alone. They manage to get through the halls to the emergency quickly enough and some of the nurses that were around him left to go help so Brendan snaps out of his trance and gets up to clean up the blood. Truth be told he actually gets nauseas at the sight of it. Brendan cleans up most of it and gets on his knees to wipe away some blood that fell on the chairs or behind them.
"Brendan I always liked the sight of you on your knees."
Brendan looks up to see Eoghan staring down at him with a sick smile.
"Funny."
"I thought it was."
"Look I'm really not in the mood. So do you mind." He tries to ignore him and continues clean up the chairs. Suddenly Eoghan sits on the chair next to the one he was cleaning. "What?"
"Took a peak at your scores and right now you have a 56."
"I shouldn't know my score should I?" Brendan already knows that everyone's scores are confidential and you don't see them till you sit down at your annual meeting.
"Well you know me I like helping. No let me correct that...I like helping you."
"That's what it's called now huh." Brendan gets up and turns but Eoghan grabs his arm and tries to wrap an arm around his waist. The next thing that happens is Eoghans face is colliding with the floor. "Don't you ever lay your hands on me. I call the rules around here. Not you. Do you understand?"
Eoghan nods and Brendan releases the hand that was pushing his head down. He decides he needs a break and starts walking away only to hear Eoghan talk behind him.
"You'll regret that Brendan but you know my offer still stands. Oh and I don't mind your aggressive side." He winks at him and Brendan flicks him off and walks out the door.
He reaches his car and gets inside. He just sits there staring straight ahead. Then he slams his head into the steering wheel repeatedly. Over and over again till he feels pain. He just wants to feel something. Anything.
Hes sitting in the corner of his room with the letter he has written to Cheryl. In it he apologizes to her and asks her for forgiveness. He tells her he wishes he could be the brother she used to know. The brother that always laughed at her jokes even if they didn't make sense. The brother that would smile at her just because. The brother that would run up to her, pick her right off the ground, and spin her around. He tells her that he loves her and always will. That this has nothing to do with her and to never blame herself for anything that has happened in their life. He makes sure to let her know that no matter where he goes, heaven or hell, he would always be there watching over her. He would still protect her. But it's his time. He picks up the gun next to him and loads one single bullet into it. There are no tears this time. He's sick of the tears. He made his eyes bleed once when he literally clawed at them. He runs his hand over the cold metal and places his thumb on the trigger. His eyes close as he thinks of his father. The man that single handedly destroyed him. The man got his wish. Seamus wanted him dead so he will finish the job off himself. Maybe he will see his father in hell. He opens his eyes and raises the gun to his head. The sun from the outside shines upon him and he takes it as a sign that the devil is ready for him. The light hits an area of the room that's across from him. And something shines back at him. His ring. The ring his mother gave him.
"Whenever you feel alone look at that ring and remember that I'm there. Whenever you're happy look down an know I'm smiling with you. Whenever you feel scared I'm there holding your hand. Look at this ring as a sign of strength Brendan."
He gives one final smile at his mother's words. "I'm sorry."
He pulls the trigger.
But nothing happens. He assumes he should be feeling excruciating pain or see blood. But there's nothing. He brings the gun back down and realizes it jammed. He points it at the wall and pulls the trigger and it jams again. He takes the bullet out and thinks he manages to fix it, so he loads up 6 bullets into the chamber. Just in case. But then he hears the front door open. The only person it could be is Cheryl. He quickly removes the bullets and slides the gun under the bed.
His door opens and Cheryl walks in looking so extremely tired. "Sorry I'm late Brendan someone called out and I got stuck working an extra hour. But I got us some food. Your favorite actually." She stares at him and something in her eyes makes him uneasy. "You ok?"
"Yeah I'm fine sis. Umm go set it up I'll be down there in a second."
She gives him one of her smiles that is only reserved for him and gently closes the door behind her. Brendan releases the breath he was holding. He gets up from the bed and rips up the letter throwing it into the trash before he walks out of his room.
"Brendan! Open the door!"
He stops slamming his head on the steering wheel and starts pulling at his scar.
"STOP! BRENDAN! I'll fucking break this window!"
That stops him and he reluctantly unlocks the door.
"What is wrong with you? Your arm is bleeding Bren." Cheryl tells him she will be right back and he watches her as she runs to her car and back. She gets into the passenger side and has a small first aid kit that she always keeps in her car. "Let me see your arm."
"No."
"Brendan I need to clean it." Cheryl just grabs his arm by force and starts cleaning it. "You ok?"
"Fine."
"So what was this all about?"
"Nothing. Just drop it."
She cleans up the blood and then applies some cream over it. "Let it dry ok." She relaxes into her seat and looks straight ahead.
"What were you doing out here?"
"My shift is over I was going to my car when I saw you."
"Oh." Brendan lays his head on the steering wheel and feels his sisters hand grab his own.
"I wish I could take the pain away from you Brendan."
"It's ok. I'll live."
Cheryl nods not believing one part of that statement.
Wednesday 9:12 PM
Back in the North Wing everyone is already asleep. Brendan walks in and carefully goes through the Wing making sure he doesn't trip...again. He hates the overnight shift and he's counting down the hours till 3 AM. He goes to the only place he feels comfortable. Brendan slowly opens the door and closes it behind him.
"You just gonna stand there?"
"Can I come in?"
"I don't care Brendan."
It's not what he wanted to hear but he takes it and sits on the chair. "I'm sorry."
He says it almost in a whisper but Ste hears him. "You're always sorry. Am I just supposed to forgive you every time?"
"No. I just...don't."
"What?"
"Don't...don't go."
"What are you talking about?"
"You said you wanted to transfer out. I'm asking you to stay please. Ill trade places with another therapist here if you don't want me around you but just don't go."
Ste sees him and he looks broken. Once again his heart breaks for him. "I'm not going anywhere Brendan. And I don't want another therapist. I heard you're actually the best one here."
"Yeah the only thing I got going for me."
They seat in silence again for a while and don't glance at each other.
"Brendan?"
"Yeah."
"Why are you so possessive? Why do you think its ok to tell me I can't speak to anyone?"
Brendan looks at him and considers how to word this so he doesn't sound so bad.
"Because Steven the second you talk to another guy you'll see you can do much better than me. I don't even come close to being the man you deserve. Look you'll be out of here in a week or two and when you leave you'll find someone that you can actually be in a relationship with. So until then I just want you to myself because I know once you leave, I won't see you again."
There are more reasons why he is controlling and possessive but he chooses not to disclose those as he has already said enough.
"You have to stop thinking I'm just going to forget you. Or that you're not good enough, because you are. Stop thinking that I'm gonna find anyone that's even close to how beautiful and amazing you are."
"Steven if you were all healed up you know you would have already walked away. The only reason you're still here and still dealing with me is because you physically can't leave."
"That's not true."
"It is! This here-" Brendan motions to the space between them "-it will never work. You want someone that isn't me. You want someone that I can never be. I'm not who you met Steven."
"Stop! Ok just stop. It's all bullshit Brendan because that person is there-" Ste points directly at him "-he's still there. He has always been there. Never left. You just haven't allowed the true you to come back out. All these other demons inside of you have pushed it back and you just need to find a way to get him back."
Ste reaches his hand out to him and Brendan grabs it and lets himself be pulled onto the bed. Ste shuffles over to make room for Brendan to lay down next to him.
"Put your arm around me."
Brendan does it without any argument and feels Ste lay his head down on his chest. Ste hears and feels Brendans heartbeat against his ear. It's smoothing and soft and something about this moment feels right. This is where he belongs. It would be perfect if only he could get Brendan the help he needs. Brendan deserves to find happiness and even if it's not with him that would be ok. He just wants him to find himself again. He looks up at Brendan and he's looking straight at him.
"What?"
"Do you want to be with me Steven?"
"Yes but..." Ste knows that this might just ruin any chance they had but he has to do it. "I can't be with you unless you get help. Psychiatric help Brendan."
"And if I don't."
"We will just be patient and nurse. Nothing more."
"I'm guessing you expect me to go immediately right."
"No I'm not telling you go tomorrow or anything. But you need to go see someone before I leave. If you don't then don't bother trying to stop me when I walk out of here."
Brendan stares away from him but holds him tighter knowing that in a week he may never see him again. That he would never be able to witness one of his smiles. Those gentle warm smiles that make him actually feel...alive.
"Please Brendan. I can't lose you."
"Why not?"
"I...I lov."
Brendan silences him before he can speak those 3 words by giving him a gentle kiss. It's slow and delicate.
"Bren...I..."
"Steven don't. Just...don't say it."
Thursday 1:13 PM
"Brendan! Get the fuck up." Warren rudely jumps into Brendan's bed not even caring how this looks.
"What the fuck Foxy?!" Brendan drags the covers over his head in an effort to ignore him.
"Come on I just get back into town and my best mate doesn't even call to say hello. What's up with that?"
"You said you weren't coming in till tomorrow."
"Oh...never mind then but still I'm back so what we doing today."
Brendan doesn't feel like even getting out of bed but Warren turns on the tv and raises the volume so loud that he is sure his neighbors will be calling him to complain about the noise. H throws the covers over Warren and goes to get ready. When he's done he walks out of the bathroom to see Warren snooping around.
"What you looking for?"
"Nothing just got bored. So do you need any more of these sleeping pills I could get you some."
"No thanks I'm alright."
"What about anything else? You still staying clean I suppose."
"For now yeah but if I need a hit I'll let you know."
They both go downstairs and Brendan gets put in charge to make the food as Warren can't cook to save his life.
"So care to explain why you're actually here. You usually just call me first."
"Just checking up on you really. You seem...ok I guess."
Brendan actually considers Warren to be an older brother to him. He has surprisingly taken care of him many times. There has been times when Warren has witnessed one of his episodes but he handles them differently. He lets Brendan go through it and when he snaps back into reality he pretends it never happened. And Brendan appreciates that because sometimes he doesn't want to discuss it. There are other times when Warren does step in and takes on the hits head on. The main thing he likes about Warren is how he never tells him he isn't fine. He waits for him to talk about it and only then will he chime in.
"Yeah I'm fine. Just tired you know."
"Well you have those vacation hours saved up right. Why don't you use them and get away for a bit. Clear your mind you know."
"Foxy you always have pretty good ideas."
"Well I am the smarter one of the two." Warren accidentally tips over his coffee mug spilling boiling hot coffee over himself.
"Oh fuck fuck fuck! THAT'S BLOODY HOT!"
"Genius."
Thursday 5:44 PM
After spending a couple hours causing mischief with Warren, Brendan starts walking back to his flat.
He passes by a church that he always just ignores every time he comes by here. But for some reason today he decides to go inside. It's empty except for maybe one or two people all the way at the front. Appears they are praying. Brendan takes a seat towards the back and just listens to the surroundings. He didn't intend to fall asleep but something about this place made him relax and he easily drifts to sleep.
*****You start walking up this small pathway leading up to what appears to be a giant tree filled with white flowers. They fall off the leaves and float through the air never touching the ground. You look down at yourself and you're dressed in an all-black suit. As you start approaching the tree you notice that there are people gathered around. All of them are wearing all black as well. It strikes you as odd but you carry on. You finally reach everyone and see a casket in the middle. There's no picture around so you don't exactly know whose funeral this is but you move to stand behind the crowd. That's when you see Cheryl and Steven in the midst of the group. Cheryl is crying and has to hold onto Steven to prevent herself from collapsing. You don't understand who she would be so attached too to warrant such a reaction. As you look at everyone's faces you start realizing you know them all. Anne is gripping onto Warren as she lets her tears flow down her face. Then there's Warren. You can see it in his eyes how broken he looks. His hands are shaking and his eyes are red. Then there's Lynsey sitting on the floor weeping into her hands. And then you see her. Your heart stops. You suddenly can't breathe. It's your mum. She has her hand on top of the casket. But she's not crying. You can't tell what she's thinking. No one speaks until a priest just pops up out of nowhere and starts reciting a couple of words. Everyone starts to place a flower on top of the casket and they slowly walk away. You push yourself off the tree and try getting in front of Cheryl but she goes right through you.
"Chez. Chez."
She looks back but she doesn't see you.
"What's the matter Cheryl?"
It's Steven. He grabs her shoulders and stares in the same direction as your sister.
"I thought I heard him."
"He will always be with you. You know that right."
"I know. I miss him though. I'm lost without him." She starts crying again and Steven literally has to drag her away.
You don't know who she was talking about or why she didn't say anything to you. You choose to forget it and turn around and see your mum looking at the casket. You make your way over to her and hear her talk.
"No more pain anymore. I'll take care of you know Brendan. You're back with your mum."
You think you misheard her for a second but it all starts making sense. You blink and when you open your eyes she's gone. You rush over to the casket and hesitantly open it. When you open it you lock eyes with yourself. You're dead. There's no life left in you. You're finally dead. At first you feel relived but then a wave of sadness hits you. Maybe you don't want to actually leave. Maybe you do want to live. You slam the casket closed and look up. And you spot him. Of course he would be here. He's always been in your life so why wouldn't he be here. It's most likely his dream come true. This time though you don't look away. You keep staring back at him. He never blinks, not even once, as he keeps his eyes right on you.
And then it happens. You're suddenly running away. Running away from everything. You keep running not even knowing where you're going but you refuse to look back. But you can't get away from him. As you pick up speed you hear him whisper behind you.
"Brenda."
When you turn around he's right in front of you smiling. His flesh looks to be burned off. It's almost dripping off him. He moves towards you and you step back. You decide to run again but you feel something grasp you. It's him. His rotting flesh falls on you and it starts to burn into you. The more you pull the tighter he grabs. You can't free yourself. You look down to see that you're sinking into the ground. It hits you then that your father is taking you down to hell with him.
"I'm sorry. Please just save me." You're not talking to Seamus but to God. But yet again he doesn't listen to you. You keep being dragged further down and now your own skin is peeling right off. You manage to get an arm lose but it's hopeless. You're too far in and all you can do is claw at the ground for one second more. You hold on for dear life knowing that once you let go you're going to spend eternity with your father.
And just like that your hand lets go and you drop down. Accepting the fact that now your life is back in the hands of the devil himself.*****
"Are you ok?"
Brendan jumps up and shields his eyes from the bright light.
"What...where..."
"Sorry to have scared you. I'm Father Des. I saw you here and wanted to make sure you were ok."
"Yeah I'm fine I think I fell asleep. Sorry I'll just go."
"No you can stay. Everyone is welcomed to stay as long as they need."
"I'm not homeless if that's what you're thinking."
"Well I wasn't but that's nice to know."
Brendan tries to discretely move away from him but he gets caught.
"So..."
"Brendan."
"So Brendan you have a specific reason why you're here."
"No."
"So you just came to fall asleep in a church. You sure you don't want to talk about anything. That's why I'm here."
Brendan thinks about it. He really does want to get some of this weight off his shoulders. But he can't. He doesn't trust anyone enough to just start talking about his past. His pain. The depression. The anxiety. He can't. But he decides to speak about something just as important.
"There's someone in my life that means a lot to me. And I want to be with them but they won't be with me unless I change who I am. But I don't think they will like who the real me is."
"What makes you think that?"
"I don't know. Everyone always leaves me in the end."
"Maybe people in the past have left but it doesn't mean every one that follows will. You have to trust them enough to know that they won't leave. You have to allow yourself to let them into your life. If you keep holding onto the past it will only hinder your future Brendan."
"Yeah but should you really change who you are for someone."
"Depends if that change is for the good. Look at it this way if someone is a drug addict and their significant other wants them to stop they are asking them to change. But for the good. So you have to figure out if the change they want from you is actually to help you. Because most of the time Brendan the change is always good. This person you speak of clearly cares about you and just wants to see you become better than you already are. You just have to give them a chance. But more importantly give yourself a chance."
"Thank you."
"Anytime Brendan. I'm always here."
Brendan thanks him again and watches as Father Des goes over to another person that appears worse than him. But on the inside Brendan knows he's worst. He gets up and walks to the front of the church. There's a giant cross in the middle so he gets on his knees and looks upon it. It's time he gets this off his chest and right now he's just tired of his life. He wants out.
"Sometimes I wonder if you forgot about me. Did I do something in my life that you felt I needed to be punished for? I apologized for my sins but you still let him hurt me. Night after night. Did you close your eyes when he ripped my clothes off? Did you cover your ears when I screamed as he pushed inside me? Did you walk away when you saw my blood spilling out of me? I don't understand how you allow a human being to suffer so harshly. I ask every day for an answer. Why me? I was happy. I was content. I felt loved and alive. The world was a beautiful place in my eyes. I stared up at the stars and smiled to myself thinking how amazing life was. But then you took away my only protector. My mother. I saw her die a slow painful death. She was gone. To make it up to me you replaced my angel with the devil. Was that your joke? Did you get a good laugh from it? He took my innocence, my soul, my heart, and my life. I came to you because I needed help. I came to you cause I wanted to be a better man. And this, you give me this as my reward. Which begs the question, which side are you on? I'm done with this life you cursed me with. I can't get out of this darkness that fills my whole existence. My strength is gone and I can't...I can't do it anymore. I'm done. I welcome death with open arms. Do what you want with me."
Sooo what did y'all think? Depressing? Yep I know lol.