Part 12: To Thine Own Self Be True
Nahuel led me through the clearing and into the jungle as we weaved in and out of the low-lying branches. The jungle's nightlife was beginning to emerge as the sun's rays drifted to black. My eyes caught sight of the birds nesting high above in the trees, monkey's scattered as we moved over and under the trees. Our bodies ran swiftly beside one another as we continued to make our way through the heart of the jungle. Nahuel didn't slow down until we came to a steep incline, soon emerging on top of a rocky cliff, the tree line quickly residing.
"Another one of your spots?" I smiled brightly as we slowed to a walk.
"Yes, I find that this one however is truly best at twilight."
"It's quite remarkable." I glanced up at the thousands of bright lights in the sky that were just beginning to emerge.
"Yes, it is." Nahuel affirmed as he took a seat on the edge of the cliff, his feet hanging off the edge. "Come, sit." He extended his hand and I took it willingly as I too sat down carefully beside him.
"Let's just not jump off this one, okay?" I couldn't help but laugh as I gazed down into the purple haze of the valley.
"Of course." He smiled brightly, his white teeth a deep contrast to his dark skin.
The great river snaked over the land, its blackness contrasting the trees that formed all around it. We were high enough to see it fall seven times until it flowed smooth across the wide expanse of the earth.
"I can't imagine what it must have been like to grow up here." I breathed out in wonder at all that was before us.
"You have a forest back home." Nahuel pointed out with a sly smile.
"Not like this." I laughed as I brushed my long wavy hair out of my face. "This place seems timeless, untouched."
"Man has left its mark. Huilen and I have migrated and hunted through this jungle for nearly two hundred years, every decade there seems to be less and less."
"Do you think at some point all this will be gone?" I turned to face him curious as to what he might say.
"The land is life, my ancestors say. Take away the life force and there will only be death."
"As true as I believe that to be, our world is becoming smaller Nahuel, populations are increasing, people's lives are lengthening. Technology could locate us even now."
"That was, was it not, Aro's greatest concern?"
"Yes, the Volutri fear that as knowledge increases so does the ability for our secret world to be seen." I couldn't help but look away, the sudden mention of Aro and that day in the snowy field made me uncomfortable.
"It seems you and I however are able to blend in more than full-blooded vampires."
"That's what I am afraid of." I mumbled to myself as my eyes caught sight of a shooting star.
Nahuel didn't press me, he just watched me very closely, his eyes never leaving my face.
"Have you ever kept something from Huilen?"
My question seemed to take him back as if surprised by my sudden frankness. His eyes narrowed as if gazing harder out into the night. I heard his heart beat fast and his breath deepen. Whatever his answer was, it seemed to be hard for him to say.
"Ijada." He spoke the word as if it was a caress and I knew instantly that it was her name, the name of the woman he had loved all those years ago.
"Ijada." I repeated it out loud.
"It comes from piedra de ijada. Ijada's tribe named her such due to her vibrant green eyes. Her eyes were the color of the stones their warriors had seen worn by high priests of other tribes from the north."
"You kept her a secret?" I asked filling in the holes.
"At the time I thought it best. Neither of us knew what might come from our union. I was afraid of what Hulien might say, of what she might ask me to do. I was young then, independent, roaming the jungle alone for longer periods of time. I believed that Huilen never noticed." Nahuel's eyes darkened and I knew memories were resurfacing, ones that he had not thought of since long ago. "For a century, I believed that my greatest mistake was not having the courage to do what was best for Ijada, to leave her, to break off our tie before her tribe—" His voice went silent. Seconds passed before he continued. "Now age and time has revealed that my greatest mistake was not letting the one who loved me most help me in my greatest hour of need."
"I have kept something from the ones who love me most too." I finally found the courage to give reason for my question, yet I gave nothing else, anymore would put him in danger.
We sat in silence for a while simply watching the earth and all its creatures move as the night pronounced itself to the two if us. The bats flew above us, the stars became more and more pronounced. We heard the cries of the jungle and yet neither one of us moved.
"I am glad you came with me," I spoke finally breaking the silence, "because I wanted to ask you—"
"About last night."
"How did you—"
"The minute I returned this afternoon, you looked as if you were suddenly terrified to see me." His smile faded.
"Jacob told me about it." I took a deep breath before continuing. "Nahuel, I honestly have no memory of what happened. I woke up this morning to you beside my bed…in the…state that I was, and the minute I walked out of the hut it was as if the whole world was in on a secret that I wasn't."
"What do you remember?" He asked turning his body towards me.
"I remember the feast, the story of the moon and sun, I remember seeing the eclipse."
"What else?"
"Jacob." I closed my eyes as if allowing all of last night's festival to fill my mind once more. "I remember dancing with him. I remember dancing with him and then waking up the next morning, that is all I can remember."
"Nothing more?"
"Nothing, Nahuel, and that's what scares me the most."
"I knew when you opened your eyes this morning that you were confused, but I did not know to what extent the drink had affected you."
"What happened between us, Nahuel? Please, I need to know."
I held my breath as Nahuel glanced out over the land, I knew he was thinking of the right words to say. In that moment, I wished that I had my father's gift so that I could see it before he even spoke it out loud, saving myself from this embarrassing torture.
"You kissed me during the dance." He spoke up. "I must say I was taken by surprise."
"I'm sorry—"
"I'm not, Renesmee." I was surprised when he placed his rough hand on my cheek. It felt different than I expected. "You are the first woman I have kissed in a very long time, and I did kiss you back."
"Jacob mentioned that part." I took a breath as if doing so would help re-shift the world back into order. It didn't work.
"You told me after we parted that you wanted to speak to me in private, at least that's what I heard you say. You took me by the arm and led me into the nearest hut."
"I think I can jump to the end myself." I sighed heavily; hearing anymore was only going to make things worse.
I didn't need the details, not anymore on that point at least. I felt myself cover my face with my hands as if doing so would let me hide the embarrassment that was fortifying itself around me. I finally released them and let my eyes find his once more.
"I don't know what came over me or what caused me to be so bold—
"Nothing happened between us after that point, Renesmee." Nahuel smiled and laughed. He placed his hand on top of mine squeezing it gently.
"But—"
"You and I got to the hut and you…became ill…all over yourself."
"I threw up?" My eyes widened in surprise.
"All over the sacred traditional blue moon garments and necklace. I had to get some of the women to undress you. You, you became unconscious."
"But Jacob, he told me that—"
"I never saw Jacob the rest of the night. I went to look for him, but he vanished until the next morning."
"He thought that you and I had, well um." I caught his gaze and even in the darkness of the night I could see his cheeks turn red.
"I would never have allowed that to happen, at least not last night, not in that way." Nahuel spoke softly.
"I...I don't know what to say." I found myself suddenly smiling, the depth of what this meant filled my whole being as his eyes glanced back at me.
"I am fond of you Renesmee and I do not regret kissing you last night." Nahuel placed his hand once again on her white face. "I enjoyed it, very much in fact," he laughed embarrassed as well removing his hand and placing it once more on the cliff face grasping the edge. "I think it is only natural for us to be curious about the other. I have been from the moment I saw you nearly seventeen years ago, to seeing you in the jungle as you are now. I would be lying if I said that my curiosity has not grown into interest, but I do not believe that you care for me in that way. "
"But I kissed you?" I stated plainly, the fact couldn't be avoided that I was the one who had initiated it.
"You did, but only a moment ago you said that the last thing you remember is dancing with Jacob." He breathed in the night air and exhaled before turning back to her once again. "You once told me, Renesmee, that the story of you and Jacob would take days to tell."
"It would." I laughed biting my lower lip to stop myself.
"Tell me." Nahuel brought his left leg up and rested his arms in it, his other dangling off the side. "You thought that I was him, the least you can do is explain why." A large wide smile crossed his face. His eyes caught mine in the darkness waiting for me to speak. I felt myself once again blush under his gaze.
"Jacob is, Jake is, he has always been…mine." I covered my face with my hands and laughed hard, the force of it carrying out into the night. "That's sounds absolutely ridiculous, I know, but I never…I never knew anything different."
"Until…" Nahuel turned his head as if studying me more.
"I reached maturity. Things changed after that. I began to realize what all of it meant. I began to see and understand what it meant for Jacob to have imprinted with me, up until then I just knew that I was special to him; he was my best friend, my protector, caretaker. I soon began to learn that being me made it harder for him than any of the others."
"I do not understand."
"Our relationship is different, more fragile than the others. I do not feel bound to him the same way his pack's imprintees do. In some ways I have more of a choice."
"A choice to love him?"
"I guess in a way yes." I nodded.
"You believe love to be a choice?" He asked through a wry smile. "Maybe that is your problem."
"What do you mean?" I asked caught off guard by his sudden frankness.
"I did not choose to love Ijada, I chose to speak to her, I chose to ask her name, I chose to touch her hand, I chose to be with her, but my love for her came before all of that. My heart's path was already marked long before she ever crossed into it. Love is deep within us, here." He pointed to the center of his chest. "Not here." He brought his hand to his forehead.
"And what if being with me puts him in danger? Is that truly loving him?" I exclaimed breathlessly. "Not being with him is hurting him just if not more, whatever happened last night, the choices I made are now forcing him to no longer be able to shift. I hurt him either way Nahuel, there is no best case scenario. That's why I left. I wanted to stop hurting him more, I wanted to protect him."
"You once said that you wished you could release him, so that he could find someone else who could give him what you felt you could not."
My mind blurred once more as I remembered those words I had spoken. I had wanted that for him, I still do.
"A family…a future." I bit my lip as the memories rolled over me.
Seeing him on the reservation with Emily and Sam's children, with all of the younger generations, seeing him this morning playing with the young boys in the tribe. Him picking the youngest one up, the way his whole body had seemed so alive, he had looked so right in that part.
"You still are afraid of what might be, Renesmee." Nahuel turned back to me, his facial expression changing as he stared at me in the darkness. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."
It was only then that I realized there were tears on my cheeks, wiping them away quickly I took a deep breath.
"No, your right. I ran away from my life, from Jake, for many things. One of them being that I felt I could never give him a full life."
"If this land, this life, has taught me anything in nearly two hundred years, it's that things are not always as they appear to be. Given time, the plants and animals of the jungle can bend and change to fit their environment and over even more time, given a new challenge, they can adapt and survive. If only given the opportunity to rise to the occasion."
"Iron sharpens iron." I spoke not knowing what else to say.
"Come on, it's getting late." Nahuel stood quickly and extended his hand.
I once again took it willingly and was lifted off the ground without any effort. We retraced our steps at a slower pass as we passed through the depth and darkness of the jungle, crossing streams and waterfalls. I followed him lost in my own thoughts until we were outside my open door.
"Good night." His voice resonated over me.
"Thank you, Nahuel." I stood on my toes and wrapped my arms around his neck.
He seemed surprised, but relaxed against my sudden embrace. I let him go and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek before turning to my own room.