Part 13: Love Is Not Love…

I moved through the jungle like lightning, the noises around me blending into a symphony of nature. I flew through the trees and branches until I stopped at a wide opening; my pace slowed as I brushed back the leaves of the trees and followed the sound of the rushing water. The rainforest had fallen away and before me was the most beautiful waterfall I had ever seen, its rushing water sent mist high into the air as it plummeted into the river that rapidly moved past me.

I remembered this place; I knew I had seen it before. As my eyes gazed at my surroundings, I recognized the dream. I was back in my old nightmare. I felt the air thicken and the ground began to shake. A blood-curdling scream escaped my lips, as dozens of leopards were closing in on me. I knew there was no time; their claws were already sinking into the rich soil, their fangs sharp in the sunlight, in seconds all of them would be gaining on me.

A large figure emerged from the jungle. Jacob had found me. I tried to run to him but my feet stood firm where I was, I couldn't move, I couldn't help. He didn't shift, he remained human even as the leopards circled around him. He glanced back at me and I recognized his weakness. He was no longer strong, he was older, tired. His eyes held no life. He took one last look at me before returning his gaze towards the yellow-eyed leopards that were before him.

Within seconds the leader leaped onto his back and sank it's teeth into Jacob's body, blood spilled from his wounds. The rest descended upon him. I heard myself screaming over and over as his body tumbled onto the jungle floor. I screamed his name as I saw his brown eyes slowly close. He was dead, my Jacob was dead and it was my fault.

I awoke in the darkness shivering from an un-known cold that I knew I couldn't feel. I clutched my heart as if making sure it hadn't been ripped from my body. Every part of me felt broken at what I had just seen. I tried to breathe but it felt as if I could not get enough air. I crumbled back into my cot and held my body shaking as I did so. I wept silently into my arms as my ears listened to the sound of Jacob's sleeping body. He was alive, but unlike last time he wasn't here to comfort me. Slowly I let myself fall asleep by listening to the lulling sound of his heavy breathing.

I searched for what seemed like hours in the darkness of the jungle and finally found him in a clearing. His back was turned, his chest was bare, dressed like one of the tribesman from the festival. His bronzed skin etched in yellow and black. As if hearing me approach, he turned, his smile bright and white.

He ran to me and lifted me into his arms, a laugh escaping his full lips. His skin felt like fire as his hands placed me back onto the ground, yet they soon found their way to my waist. My mind shifted and the images blurred. Within moments I felt his skin, the weight of his body on top of mine, the jungle floor soft beneath me. His hands grasped mine as his lips crushed against me. I felt electrified, my stomach clenching from the feelings that were coursing through me as his touch intensified. I surrendered to him, to his body, as he moved over me causing my whole being to erupt in pleasure.

I almost bolted out of bed, as the sound of thunder permeated through the hut. The images from my dreams beat over my mind as if I was still in them. My body ached for what I had seen but not experienced. Holding my head in my hands, I leaned over the cot placing one foot in front of the other. I took a deep breath and stood. What was wrong with me? What was happening to me? I had never dreamed anything so vividly before. Nor anything so…well that. It was as if every inch of me was crying out for something…or more like someone.

As I began to wake my body tuned itself to my surrounding, the roar of the rain as it hit the ground and the lagoon, the waterfalls rapid movement, the birds, the smell of the flowers, the faint spice in the air. I listened for my friends, for Huilen's steady weaving or cooking, for Nahuel's carving, for Jake's deep voice. Yet there was no one to be heard. I walked quickly into the main living area only to find it deserted. My eyes found the paper on the new table, scribbled he simply wrote:

Huilen and I have gone to hunt.

Be back in a few days.

"Well, that explains them." I exclaimed.

My heart suddenly constricted and I felt the swift pain of realization. Jacob! He said he was leaving today. I ran as fast as I could to his hut, throwing back the covering, it was empty. He was gone.

"Jacob!" I called out through the clearing. The rain splattered against my face as another sound of thunder rolled through the jungle. "Jake!" I turned and screamed into the clearing once more as loud as I could, forcing my voice to carry over the rains of the storm.

He had left, he was gone and I had never gotten to tell him the truth of what had really happened between Nahuel and me. I had not gotten to say good-bye. I breathed deep and recognized through the sweet smell of the rain the spicy and warming scent that was and could only be Jacob. It was faint but still detectable. I speed in the direction that I was certain he had taken.

I rushed as fast as I could down the paths, following the familiar smell of musk and cinnamon as best as I could. I flew through the jungle, calling his name aloud, hoping that his ears would hear. I stopped suddenly, the trail had gone cold, I breathed again but there was nothing. I had lost him.

"Jacob!" I called desperately into the wild. "Jake! Jake!"

I felt myself finally collapse onto my knees my eyes brimming with tears. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the forest. The water lapped over me as it created puddles around my knees and feet. I heard the screeches of the toucans and the monkeys in the tops of the trees, the rushing sound of flooding water, the swaying of the leaves and branches, everything but him.

"Where are you?" I mumbled to myself as I wiped the tears that fell and mixed with rain. "Please, Jake!" I called once more desperate to see him again, to tell him the truth, to save him from what I had seen.

I took a deep breath as if doing so would help heal the permeating ache in my chest. The aroma of cinnamon, musk, and forest returned fully once more. It wasn't until this moment in the deep jungle of the Amazon that I realized that Jacob smelled in every way like home.

"Jake?" I whispered as I slowly opened my eyes afraid that I might be mistaken.

I heard the brush move in front of me, and there he emerged behind several branches of thick vegetation, water fell off of him, all bronzed skin, black hair, and deep brown eyes of him. He looked surprised and frightened, his chest rising and falling with his breathing heavy from exertion. Within moments he was kneeling beside me, his hand brushing the wet hair that had fallen into my face, his concerned eyes glancing at my tear-stricken face.

"Ness?" His voice penetrated me and without a second thought I engulfed him in my arms. He swayed slightly from the force but quickly wrapped his steady arms around me. "Are you okay?" He asked concerned. "What's happened Ness?"

His hands moved over my back as if doing so would soothe me. I could feel his body shake from my touch. I pulled away from him and yet his hands never left me. He gripped my shoulders as his dark eyes scanned my face, my body; his eyes finally searched around us for any sign of danger. I just smiled at how despite all that had happened between us, his first instinct was to take care of me, to protect me.

"You left. You left without saying goodbye." I spoke my eyes never leaving his.

"I didn't think it mattered." He spoke honestly.

It was only then that he released his hold on me and stood turning his body away from me. The images from my dreams hit me once more and I felt my stomach tighten against the feelings it brought on.

"I wanted to leave before you woke up." He spoke his body shaking even now. "I couldn't…I couldn't tell you good-bye, Ness." I knew he was trying his best to keep calm, to be strong.

Yet, I too found the strength it seemed to stand and face him. I placed my hand gently on his back, he flinched slightly from my sudden touch.

"Jake, please."

His body slowly turned to me and I bridged the remaining distance that parted us. He took another breath, his dark brown eyes never leaving mine, he was inches from me; despite the cool rain I could feel the steady warmth from his skin. I breathed in the fullness of him. I couldn't help but shiver at the way it made me feel.

I didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to say it. But I did know a way that I could show it. He seemed surprised when I placed my hand gently upon his warm cheek. Yet his expression soon changed as I showed him only what I knew now to be true.

I showed him the images from my first dream, screaming his name as I watched him being attacked, I saw myself waking up to his comforting presence and frantically seeking his embrace, I showed him holding me, waking up together that morning, how right and easy it had felt. I watched on as all the images from the last months formed in my mind, him helping me climb the ruins, my head on his shoulder, the insecurity and uncertainty of the future. The way he had looked at me as I appeared in the blue moon festival costume. The feeling of his hand in mine as we were led in the ceremony. The last image I remember when dancing, the image of his bright and smiling face. My mind shifted to waking up cold and alone and not understanding why he wasn't with me, why Nahuel was there. Seeing him playing with the children in the tribe and the look he had given me. Our talk by the lagoon, the confusion and hurt I had felt. How much pain hurting him had caused me. I shifted to scenes on top of the cliff with Nahuel, the truth he had told me, that Nahuel had gone looking for him to help me but he was gone, the feelings of relief and happiness I had felt in knowing that nothing more had happened.

I showed him then what I wanted to have happened, images of the festival, of us dancing together, of him taking me in his arms and kissing me in front of everyone. I tried to make him understand that he was the one who I had meant to be with that night.

I felt him try and pull away as if wanting to respond to what I was showing him, but I just pressed on. There was still more that I wanted him to see. I recalled the images from my dreams, I showed him as much as I could remember. How afraid I had been when he was killed again this time unable to shift, waking up in a cold sweat wanting desperately to feel his comforting embrace again, knowing this time that he wouldn't come. Listening to his breathing as I went back to sleep.

My stomach and heart gripped as I breathed deeply as the last remaining images flowed from me into Jake's warm skin. I showed myself frantically searching for him, the knowledge that he was gone, and the swift and penetrating pain of losing him.

"Don't leave Jake." I begged finally breaking him free of my gift. "I don't want you to go."

His eyes opened swiftly as the images faded and he returned to where he was. He held onto my waist to steady himself from all that he had seen, from all that it had made him feel. His eyes trying to adjust to the world that was around him, as if waking up from a dream.

I mustered the courage to show him one final image. It wasn't something that had happened or what I had wanted to happen, it was something that I finally was ready for, something that I finally wanted him to do.

It didn't take but a second for the images of my dream, of his kiss, his touch and his body entangled in mine to pass through me and into him before he reacted instinctively. His eyes opened quickly, my stomach tightened as they found mine for they seemed more black than brown. He placed his hand behind my neck, his other still gripping my waist and kissed me hard.

The first time we kissed I was caught off guard. I was confused and scared. I retreated from it, yet as I felt his warm lips crush against mine, I realized that this time I wanted it, I wanted this, but more than anything I wanted him. A part of me fortified in that moment, the moment I realized that I was never going to be ready enough to fall in love with him. Denying him, denying the way he made me feel, denying my love for him, was denying my heart the very thing it craved most, him.

My lips moved desperately over his, his hands moving from my neck, down my back to my waist bringing me tightly to him. I chose…more than that…I surrendered to the way he made me feel, to how alive he made me feel with each new moment. I surrendered to the way he had always loved me. I grasped the back of his neck, loving the new feeling of having his lips on mine, loving the electrical current it sent through my whole body.

"Ness."

His breath felt warm against my face as he slowly stopped, his touch loosening as he took a deep breath. His eyes opened and found mine, the desire evident in his gaze. I pulled him to me once more and he gave in too. Without strain he lifted me until I felt the pressure of a tree trunk on my back. His free hand gripping mine as his lips once again consumed me. I pulled him closer, wanting to feel every part of him. I found myself whispering his name, his body shaking upon hearing it.

Yet just as quickly as he had started it, he ended it by swiftly pulling away. I opened my eyes only to find him several feet away, his eyes still fixed on me, his body shaking and breathing heavily.

"I think we should stop before we get ahead of ourselves." He spoke breathlessly, his hand around the back of his neck as if doing so might relieve the tension that was apparently overwhelming him.

"I want this, Jake. I want you." I called into the distance that he had put between us, a large smile on my face.

"I sort of figured that out for myself about halfway through there." He smiled, a boyish grin crossing his. I couldn't help but laugh at him, for he looked very well pleased with himself. "And you know how long I have waited, Ness. How much it means to me to hear you say that—

"There is a but in here I know it." I placed my hands against the tree behind me and stood up straighter, finally letting my feet hold the weight of my body.

"But I want this to be right. I don't want to rush into anything that you might…regret." He took a step forward his eyes never leaving mine.

"You're afraid that I might change my mind?" I asked my heart suddenly beating harder; I knew he recognized it as well.

"Yes, you will always have that choice. I just…I just don't want to make the same mistake of sub-consciously pressuring you. You are not bound to me the way that I am—"

"I am in love with you, Jake." I exclaimed breathlessly, the words feeling foreign but unexplainably right on my tongue. I felt the tears unfold again.

He bridged the distance between us, seeing and sensing my heightened emotions. His body touched mine once more as if doing so might take back the pain that he believed he had caused. I didn't look at him, my gaze focused on the rise and fall of his chest. He held me tighter, his arms engulfing me once more. Slowly I raised my head to meet his steady gaze.

"As a girl I came to realize that you were all mine." I laughed at the sudden declaration finding it suddenly embarrassing, yet I continued. "At times I was selfish with you, wanting your attention all to myself, but I found comfort, security, solace in the thought that you would always be with me. Upon reaching maturity…I found it, you, us, confusing and terrifying. I began to feel like I couldn't give you what you needed, what you deserved, I wanted you to have—"

"I want nothing but you." He affirmed.

"I wanted more for you, Jake. I always have." I exclaimed, knowing that he was not understanding at all what I was trying to say.

"You felt like you were not good enough?" He pulled away from me as if seeing me for the first time.

"Yes and no." I sighed. "You wanted to be with me in this life that you envisioned, but I never let myself envision it with you. That's one of the reasons why I have been trying to put so much distance between us."

"And now?" He placed his hands on my cheek softly as if only proving his point.

"I don't want there to be any at all." I smiled as he leaned down to kiss me once more.

His kiss was soft and sweet, as if he was savoring each moment. He pulled back again, his breathe heavy against mine.

"I love you, Ness." He spoke gently his body straightening as his eyes caught mine. "I have loved you since the first moment I looked into these deep brown eyes. I want this life with you, no one else, whatever happens."

He rested his head against mine and breathed me in, the rain falling from his head to mine. I just wrapped my arms around his neck enjoying the sudden ability to hold him this close. I pressed my lips against his once more as if telling him of my need, he responded in full as his lips touched mine once again, this time more deeply and intimately than before. We stayed like that just lost in each other until I pulled away, a bright blush making its way over my face. I placed my hand against his cheek and showed him the letter I had found from Nahuel.

"A couple of days." Jacob's eyes turned black once more.

I simply nodded and pulled my body from his embrace, intertwining my hand in his as I pulled him in the direction of the clearing, a growing smile filling both our faces. It took us a matter of minutes to return to the lagoon and the huts that had become our home the last month.

We made it to middle of the clearing before Jacob pulled me back into his embrace, my body crushing against the weight of him once more. I laughed as his hands moved over my lower back until they rested firmly on my hips.

I didn't let another moment pass before I brought his face to mine, our lips meeting once more. I heard my heart beat increase as he placed a firm hand behind my neck deepening the kiss. I gasped at the feel of his hands on me once more. It was then that Jacob slowed down.

"Ness, we don't have to—" His body shivered as he tried to gain control.

"It's okay, Jake."

I opened my eyes finding his deep black eyes gazing into mine, my hands laid gently against his chest, even now I could feel the rapid beating of his heart through the soaked blue t-shirt.

"I want this. I want to be with you." I spoke fervently over us once more.

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as if his mind was processing all that I was saying.

"Don't you?" I felt myself biting my lip once more, afraid and insecure until I found the courage to smile. "I just…I just don't want to do anything that might sub-consciously pressure—"

"Shut up." He smiled that boyish way before kissing me straight and hard once more.

Lifting me into his arms, I wrapped my legs around his waist. I felt once again, despite all the reasons I had once been so sure of before, surrendering to him.

The cloth door rolled over by back as we entered the dry covering of his thatched hut. Jacob placed me gently onto the layers of quilts that had been his bed and with a brilliant smile he pulled his wet shirt up and over his head, tossing it to the side. Within moments I felt the weight of his warm body on top of mine, he brushed my dripping hair away from my face, his lips traveling from my forehead to my chin and finally softly onto my waiting lips.

"I love you, Ness."

His deep voice resonated over me as his hand cupped the back of my neck, his black eyes stared deeply into mine as if taking in everything about me in that moment.

"I love you too, Jake."

I ran my hand over his face and through his wet jet-black hair until I too reached the back of his neck pulling his face once again close to my own. Jake waited, his eyes never leaving mine, for a few seconds before he finished what I had began. He kissed me gently, his warm lips moving against mine in a blissful rhythm.

In those moments the whole world fell away from us. It was just the two of us lost and entangled in the other. Granted, being what we are has allowed us to see the world in a way that most never are able to, but for the first time I knew we both were beginning to see our world anew and we were doing it with new skin, new lips, and new eyes.